I'm sorry to forget your Dad and his cancer. I also pray Father in Heaven Please keep your hands on Horseys Earthly Father and his battle with cancer. We don't know WHY you allow our loved ones to suffer with this horrible disease, but help him/them with this struggle........Amen

Horsey, I am soooo sorry to hear that you are still at a crossroad here. I know this must be the most difficult thing for you right now. I was just thinking about this very thing this morning while laying in a king size bed alone. I thought about all the terrible things my H would do and say to me. Wondering "Why" I didn't get up and leave!! WHY is he doing this to me?? What did I do?? I loved him and tried to make the best wife a man could have or ever want......It just wasn't good enough! He beat me down emotionaly and physically. I guess I just didn't know that a person could deserve better seeing this in my own family growing up with an abusive Father. I am only saying this because your post just hit a nerve to what I am feeling right now! I want to say how ironic it is you mentioned the bad threes you are 3 steps ahead of me......got out of the house.........bought paper plates and plastic utensils.......have a possible new apt lined up...while I am still here waiting,for what, I don't really know!!

Hang in there. I am in the same situation. I, too, second guess myself all the time. What I try to do, which doesn't always work, is remember what I was like before I was in the company of someone who was so controlling and angry. I realize that my son WILL adjust. And that I will be able to be a better parent for him - not the dog that my husband (and God forbid) even my son would eventually be kicking for years to come if I DON'T change the situation NOW. I keep staying because of the guilt. My biggest sorrow is not being able to provide my son with what I had: an intact home with a Mom and Dad. But it will be OK. You are doing the right thing. It will be OK. A GREAT book is ..."Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and how to Live through the Ending of Yours." It has been really helpful in understanding all of the feelings I am going through. It says, on average, you will try to reconcile 6-8 times. I hope it helps you. - lol

Well we've tried to reconcile 6-8 times already. When is enough enough? Slowly I'm buying more furniture and things for my apartment, like a couch and desk - thinking in the back of my head, well this will look nice in "our" $600,000 house that "he's" living in, while I'm in the apartment... So I have a nice couch, a desk, bought a rug and a few little luxuries for the bathroom to make it a spa. It costs a lot to move out, I feel like I have nothing. Married to a man 12 years older then me, a banker who had it all. I got rid of most of my own furniture when we married, I don't even feel like going back 5 hours to get my things. At some point I have to get my clothes and baby stuff but I want it to be a quick trip, and it won't be.

The shrink I went to for one session said I need to think about why I'm still in this marriage, why I stayed. Think about my husband's values, see what he does now, what he says, how selfish he is. If I'm not ready for a divorce, not to do it yet, just hold on and go about my business. He said to plan carefully what I will say to him, to not be emotional, but businesslike. When I have vented and gotten crazy myself, my husband has then blamed it all on me. Saying I'm the crazy one. That hasn't helped as he's so controlling and critical anyways, just has given him more ammunition.

It is hard to get out of a relationship, it's hard when you don't know what the future holds. On one hand I have a sense of peace, it's quiet here, I don't have the stress of a husband constantly dripping at me. On the other hand I keep thinking of what I did wrong, it takes two to mess up a marriage I believe. But no one deserves to be pushed and shoved like I was, ever. And I warned my husband over and over again that he had to stop, no matter what the verbal argument. He'll either move on to another woman, try to change or will stay single. Change is hard but sometimes it takes loosing something to wake up, I still have a little hope, but not much.

So in the meantime I'll go about my business. I found a good daycare, will join the health club to workout my stess, will go to church, maybe a support group, and I'll work at my business which keeps me from moping and doing the poor me thing. It just feels like the more things I buy, the more furniture, the more settled I get the less likely I am to try to reconcile again, as I have in the past, trying to leave a number of times. I have to trust God that this is for the best, it's like blind faith that he'll take care of me. And that I'll look back on this and know there was a reason, as I think there is a reason for everything.

I used to think life was fair. I thought if I waited to marry until older, I was 32 I'd beat the odds. I thought I could try to save this marriage, but it's been a hard one and I'm tired. My father's cancer is making me realize that life is short and I don't want to spend the next half miserable. I have cryed so much in this marriage, been criticized, told I was lazy, a bad mom, couldnt' run a business, a bad wife... I'm just exhausted from it all. I wonder if I'll ever get my spark back, I was so spirited and independent, not the type to be beat down. Was I the ultimate challenge for someone controlling? Because I was unattainable, didn't need a man while single?

It's easier for men. They move on quicker, we all know that. A man like my husband, a big house, money, seeming charm... he can meet someone who will do anything for him. Women, stats say our living goes down 30-50% after a divorce. We aren't able to move on as quickly, especially as single moms we are tied down. We also take time to heal quickly, men don't, they don't like being alone, they want someone else around generally. I checked singles sites, men looking for fun in their 30s, who do they choose? A single mom with a baby? Or a younger woman who's not burnt out and tainted by life? Ahhhh... it is one of those poor me days. But life will look up here soon, I'm learning that i don't need a man, even bought myself an electric screwdriver to put some furniture piece together. It's just a shame that men and women hurt each other so much, when we should compliment one another.

Starting over...

Thorned Rose, you are right, I am supposed to be worth leaving, not just for my kid. My husband went on a job interview out of state before I left, I was telling my friend I would have divorced him anyways had he taken the job. Because I'd want to keep my business. She pointed out worse then you did, that my business was more important then me or the kid. True, I think I'm strong because I stayed so long with the verbal abuse especially. Am I stronger to have left, a friend emailed me so. I have money, resources, savings, she said the true heroes are the women who leave, with their kids that don't have what I have, that end up on welfare. I've hired some of those women through the years, and it's true, now I respect them more especially those with pride who were trying to get off the system. Guess what i said says something about my "true" self esteem, that my husband was able to really go at me, saying I was this or that, trying to bring me down, mess with my self esteem to make himself feel in control. I think it's sick, and only a little man would go about a marriage this way. Sure I don't know if I'll meet someone else, but I was happily single in my 20s, didn't marry until 32. Chose someone for the wrong reasons. This time around I won't even date someone without shared values. Why, why, why, why, why did I stay so long. Yes, it's true there was the dream things would change - but it is more then that as you say. Am I so shallow that it was money too, a big house, the trips, etc. Two incomes are better then one, and especially if you marry someone with money as I did. I can't be bought though, he kept saying I wouldn't leave, I had a nice house, I had it "made." But having it made isn't living in a big house with a husband who buys things and doesn't build a relationship with his wife... this has been so far from how I pictured marriage to be. How about a marriage with a friend, with respect, I didnt' have that... Next time, if there is one, I will.

A few years back my second, yes second abusive husband beat me up and dragged me out of his father's house with his brothers and father cheering him on. If my father had not of caught wind of what was going on my husband may have chosen to kill me. His father and brothers were probably deciding on how to get rid of my body when he was done with me. I was so in love with this man, and we were on the same level, or sync. Whatever you want to call it. Taken to my Dad's by the police department, I was shattered. My kids tossed out and the son I raised from his first marriage was snatched away from me. Leaving step children behind is harder then leaving the husband. I was ashamed and suicidal when I went to my dad's. I wasn't thinking about no one but myself, and my sorrow. I wanted to take a bottle of tylenol pm, just to do away with all the pain I was feeling. Selfishly, I wasn't thinking about my kids. I laid on the couch for 3 days sobbing and wondering what I did wrong. I blamed me for it, not his addiction to crystal meth, or the fact he was coming down off of being on it for 2 yrs. He agreed to stop and never touch it again. I agreed to be there for him. It isn't that easy. He was very very mean. He hadn't hit me since he started using, but coming off of it turned him into someone I didn't know. (his family was and still are butts...lol) After 3 days of "mourning" I seen my children, sad for me, but happy they were not there with him..... Talk about waking up. The first thing I did was play on my mom's new computer and found yahoo. Not the greatest source, yet it pulled me away from thoughts of my husband. A week later I applied for emergency assistance. Food stamps, and HUD. I was in my own apartment within the following week. The next week my husband knocked on the door crying for forgiveness. What and give up the happiness I was finding without his drugs and abuse? My children were smiling. Not a chance. A friend helped me get a job about a month later, I dropped the assistance from the state (if I'm able-bodied I can support my own.) and got myself figured out. I learned that starting over might be hard, but it was the best thing I could have done. I was drowning in pitty and desperate for him to forgive me. Blinded basically. Hind site is 20/20. Today the man I was married to is reformed completely, and is back being the same person I fell in love with. One exception, without the one he vowed to love forever. I got a taste of living on my own and being me, not who I thought he wanted me to be. I know I have truly found the one I will live my last days with. One who loves me and my children, as I love him and his. A man that has taught me that love doesn't have to be that painful.

The point is I didn't have a job, not a dime in my pocket, and children to care for, to live for. I went from having nothing but my kids the love of my parents, and God's compassion to survive, to handling my own. I lived on little to nothing, but the Lord provided. This happened in November, too late for christmas charities, yet my children had a good christmas provided by each tenant in the complex I lived in. I did not ask, but was surprised to see this was done without my knowledge. Thankful. I was in my late 20s and had maturity on my side. It isn't an easy road by far, a rough and rugged one. I was worried daily over what was coming next. I did not have child support from my children's father, still don't, and never expect it. You will most likely get support, and a good chunk of change to get started on. You may get more then you think. Leaving is the easy part, living after the divorce is not all that bad after all. The hardest thing is learning to love and trust again. Don't push people away because of your past, or you will never find your future. Trust that God IS working in your life, just not the way you had once believed. And finally, don't give up on you. As Joyce Meyer says...keep on keeping on!

I thought of what you said in a post today, to live each day instead of worrying about the future and what will happen. I tried to be more peaceful, more mature. There's so much I don't have control of right now, there's not a lot I can do. But I can pray, get closer to God and "move on, keep moving..." thank you,

Horsey, what I'm about to post to you is pretty deep...pretty profound spiritually. Please prayerfully consider it. I offer it to you out of love for you as a fellow struggler in pain ~ High Flight


Be Satisfied With Me



Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and reservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone,
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look at the things you think you want;
You just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any
You could dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until
The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied.

~ St. Anthony of Padua

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: High Flight ]</small>