My husband and I have been married for 15 years with two wonderful children (13, 10) and all that comes along with it...2 dogs, 2 cats, fat mortgage, car payment, etc. Early in our marriage I had an affair, a one night stand with someone I met through a coworker. This was completely my fault and I am not going to push blame on "him not being there for me" or anything like that. I kept it hidden so as not to hurt his feelings and ruin our marriage. He has always suspected and finaly it came out 6 years ago. I have been unable to live it down ever since. He brings it up everytime we argue. Three summers ago, he did the same to me just to "show me how it felt". I was hurt and upset but I deserved it and I have not brought it back up. It's in the past and gone as far as I'm concerned. Lately, we have been arguing more and more and I just don't feel the same love for him that I felt when we were younger (22 when we got married, 23 when our first child was born). We've had huge blowups and I have threatened to leave and he has begged me to stay promising to try to do better. Well, this weekend it happened again. I didn't want to have sex with him Saturday morning and he blew up. Yelling and cussing at me, then coming to me and saying, "we don't have sex, why are we even married?" This is so untru because we have sex at least 2x a week. So I don't know where this statement came from. It rolled over into Sunday and got physical with name calling, him pushing me through the door then pulling me back by my hair. I had a can of hairspray in my hand and I turned around and hit him in the head with it. It knocked him to the floor. I was incredibly sorry as soon as I did it, but so enraged that it came down to that, I didn't apologize. My 10 year old daughter is scared of him when he yells, my 13 year old son doesn't believe a divorce will happen because we alway fight then makeup. I told him I was leaving and taking the kids with me and he cried and begged me not to. Saying I was going to tear the family apart and ruin the kids' lives. This is the last thing I want to do, because my kids mean everything to me and I don't want to see them hurt. I will be able to make it on my own (barely) and I know he will too. I don't know what to do. Please some advice is desperately needed. I don't want to hurt anymore, I just feel so dead inside and so desperate. I'm thinking that I want out, one way or another!!

TXBlue,

First piece of advice is go see a counselor, both of you. The physical abuse must stop on both of your parts. Further, the LB's must stop. Do you know what an LB is? It is a love buster, read about them in the articles on this site.

You lied to your H for years about the A, and he suspected so I suspect it is not the A that bothers him so but the lies. You did not deserve his retribution either.

I think that you both need to lay down your weapons and decide if you two are going to be married and if so what should that marriage be like. I am guessing that since the A was denied by you for 6 years, there is a lot of distrust and that of course starts to wear on you. I am also guessing that your A and his A have NOT been properly dealt with and addressed by either of you.

This marriage can be saved but "radical honesty" is required on both of your parts as well as protection on the part of both of you. Arguing is not going to solve this.

If you want to start to heal this, please consider getting two books: His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an A both by Harley. The first will introduce you to the idea of love busters and meeting your spouses needs, the second will show you the dynamics of an affair which you both need to understand.

People have recovered from worse, but I must say again, find a "pro-marriage" counselor and address the issues you both have.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your suggestions. I will look into acquiring the books you suggested.