Please pray for my marriage. I married the most kindest, romantic, gentle man on September13, 2003..not even 2 years ago. We have had a fun and wonderful year of living together with his 7 year old (he gets him every other weekend) and my 12 year old (full time custody). I pray that James will know a fell the true love that we have for him. This past September, frustrations about finances and control issues got to us, and he fell into depression. Ever since he started his meds, he doesn't seem to be as compassionate or understanding or patient or loving. I know I wasn't an easy person to live with, but it wasn't bad all the time. We had family times and laughed and had fun, but we forgot about our relationship...we failed to go out on dates, and let problems come between us. Out of fear, I separated Nov. 28th..thinking that a few days would bring us closer together and appreciate each other. I found out that on Dec. 21st..just 4 days before Christmas, he filed for divorce. I have continually asked him to let me come back into our home and told him how much I love him and how sorry I am for hurting him, but he says that something happened the day that I moved out..and that he just "can't try". He says he loves me and worries and cares for me..just that he can't live with me. Since separating, I realized that I wasn't the type of wife that God clearly states that he wants me to be..a daughter of Sarah. I gave my heart to Jesus and put him the center of my life. I know I need to trust that he will save my marriage and stop this terrible divorce, but when I speak with my husband, I get so discouraged..he seems so cold and uncaring. I KNOW my loving husband is inside of him somewhere..masked by the meds he is on and the negative advice he is getting from family. Please..I beg everyone to pray for me and my husband..that we may be a happy couple, totally devoted to Christ and each other again. I found out that he has requested a transfer to a different church. I haven't seen him or spoke to him in weeks, other than passing him on the road. I leave messages on his phone, but they are never returned. My son adores him. He has told me that he is the dad he has never had, but when I tell that to my husband, he states that Pastor and I are just "brainwashing" him to say that. Please pray that his anger and fear that he is running from will be washed away by God's Holy Spirit and Jesus will break down the wall he has created in his heart about me. Thank you in advance to all who help me by praying.... We have a court date on the 18th of January. He filed for "exclusive rights to the marital home" He says he still loves me..he just can't live with me. I love him so much. This is so hard...

Sweetie I know your pain. Really.

I will pray for you. I think it has actually helped me a little bit to pray for other people on this board.

It's so hard, I know.

For what it's worth you're not alone. My Christmas sucked too. My husband spent our anniversary, Christmas, New Years also his birthday, with his mistress. So try not to feel like you are all alone in this struggle.

rebe,

You have not mentioned the circumstances of his divorce from previous W. Is it possible that you leaving him triggered some very deepseated fears and anxiety about women abandoning him?? It seems to me that he is in the state of withdrawal from you. You should read the articles here on the various states of marriage: conflict and withdrawal being two of them.

You mentioned that you have not been a particularly good W to him in the less than two years you have been married. Can you identify why this was the case? What has changed? You describe him in very kind terms, but obviously those traits where not that important during your interactions.

I am asking you all of these questions for a reason. If you are going to try and save this marriage, you need a plan and to have a plan one needs the data full out, and then arranged so that an effective plan can be made.

You also did not say what problems came between you two, that led you to separate "out of fear".

We need more information in order to help.

God Bless,

JL

Replying to "Just Learning"
Thank you, first of all, for your interest in helping me by wanting to know more. Any insight would be welcome to try to help me save my marriage. I will answer your questions in order:

You have not mentioned the circumstances of his divorce from previous W. Is it possible that you leaving him triggered some very deepseated fears and anxiety about women abandoning him?? It seems to me that he is in the state of withdrawal from you. You should read the articles here on the various states of marriage: conflict and withdrawal being two of them.

He was divorced 3 times before..The first time, his wife cheated on him repeatedly with a high school sweetheart. Even after this, he filed, but she told him she would leave the boyfriend, so he stopped the filing and they went to counciling, but she returned to the boyfriend, so he filed again and finalized. The second time, He is a very religious man, a Sunday school teacher, in fact. He doesn't believe in pre-marital relations. He later found out that his 2nd wife preferred the opposite sex to him, so he filed and finalized. The 3rd wife, he had a child with. He was with her for 5 years. He filed for divorce because he was trying to protect his son, and wanted full custody because she was a violent woman and she had a previous relationship that gave her a son who was around 12 when my husband was with her. Both the son and her were violent to my husband to the point of both mental and physical. When she started to show signs of becoming that way to the baby, he filed to protect him. In all three divorces, he had a right and reason to divorce in the eyes of God. The marriage he has with me was good. He truly IS my soul-mate. He doesn't have cause for divorce with me in the eyes of God, occording to the Pastor. Just Learning...I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not, but there have been definate signs and wonders that have happened showing CLEARLY that God wants us to be together. I have read the stages of marriage. He IS in withdrawl, and I am not in conflict, but rather-intimacy. I have tried to bring him into even conflict, but he isn't interested in trying. He says he just "can't".

You mentioned that you have not been a particularly good W to him in the less than two years you have been married. Can you identify why this was the case? What has changed? You describe him in very kind terms, but obviously those traits where not that important during your interactions.

In the ways I haven't been good to him...I was very "me" centered. I was all about control. I was a single mom before I met him, and I thought I wouldn't have to change my way of thinking when I got married. For a year, it was wonderful. Then, I tried to be in control and make all the decisions. What has changed is that through counciling I have accepted that I wasn't Christ-centered when I was living with him. I was centered in me. I wasn't taking his feelings into consideration because I thought he would always be there. I took him for granted. We stopped dating and the pressures of life took over. I have changed because I know now what is expected of me and the way I should be as a Christian wife. I realize my views aren't shared by everyone, but it is how I believe. The things that were important before, aren't important now. Just being together is what is most important.

You also did not say what problems came between you two, that led you to separate "out of fear".


I was married before to an abusive man before my husband. I am fearful of being in that position again, even though it has been 12 years. Even having said that, I pushed and pushed my husband to the point of frustration. I knew it, and didn't care. I wanted to have my point accross, and that was all that mattered. I felt like I was the victim and that I didn't do anything wrong, so of course, I couldn't see that my actions were the problem. He was simply "reacting" to my original "action". If I would have acted with love, I would have received love in return. That is how it was for the first year. The day we moved out was after we promised the boys that we would get a Christmas tree, and my husband was concerned that we couldn't afford it. I told him that I would get it out of my paycheck, but forgot I promised that to him, and spent my whole check on Christmas gifts. You need to know that we are going through extremely hard financial problems right now. He also started depression medicine the same time. Everything started in September. The medicine changed him in that he was colder..more unfeeling. He snapped at us more. Anyway, he grabbed my face and turned me around in the car because I was talking to the boys in the back seat. He then slammed on the brakes and it scared the boys. The reason he wanted to turn my face around was because I was talking to the boys and saying "did you hear that boys? Dad says I'm not welcome at the house anymore" We were discussing the tree and he said I needed to put my tree elsewhere because that wasn't my home anymore.

Now you know all the story...the truth. I will not hide anything from any of you. I was a disrespectful, inconsiderate, unloving wife for 3 months..September,October, and November. Before that, we were happy. We just let the stresses of life make us lose focus on what is really important...our love.

We have a court date on January 18th to give him exclusive rights to the marital house. I know that I could have gone back at any time because it is my house until the finalization, but I don't want to do anything to upset him and make me lose any hopes of reconciliation. If I forced my way home, he would just resent and be mad at me. So I have stayed away, but I wanted to go back from the same day I left. I miss him so much.
I really messed things up. I know things can be better than they were before if he would only allow us to try, but he says that something happened that day that put a wall up around his heart. He says that the wall hasn't changed, and he just can't try for fear of it going back to the way it was. I've told him I've changed, my Pastor has told him I've changed...but he is so afraid to try. He admits that he has never had a woman fight to be with him as I have. I just can't allow this divorce to happen! My son adores him. I adore him!
Please help...

Thank you, Tess. It is a comfort to know kind people like you are out there praying for me and my husband to reconcile.

I will keep you in my prayers as well.

Thanks again- Rebe72

Rebe,

Please don't underestimate the amount of damage that has occured in his previous marriages. I suspect it is far greater than you realize. You do appreciate what living with an abusive husband did to you, so consider what his three W's did to him.

I do wonder if you and he are on the same wavelength with regard to marriage and divorce, because I don't think at this point he has grounds for it with in the religious view that you have and I assume he has.

I do think you would be well served to read the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. Surely reading the articles on this site about needs will help some but the book is more complete. I suspect this is going to take longer than you realize to resolve. His wall must come down, but it will take baby steps and small chips to get it to come down.

It will take a steadfast resolve on your part to do this and that will be very hard. But, I think you can do it. Since you are his W you probably can go talk to the Dr. the perscribed the medications for him and see if the behavior he is showing is a symptom to not reacting well to that perticular anti-D. The do have side effects and you may be seeing some of them including anxiety if the medication does not suit the particular person.

Even if the medication is correct, the dosage may be too low as well.

Do you have any idea why the depression came on? Is it financial pressure? A lot of men really react poorly if they feel they cannot provide for their family.

The first thing I would recommend is doing some reading here. Then I strongly recommend that you calm down and realize this is going to take a long time to sort out, surely not by the middle of this month. Have patience with him and yourself and give this some time.

I am guessing but from what you have said he has never experienced a woman that was willing to hang in there with him when things were tough. It will take awhile for him to believe you are willing to do this.

It seems to me you are also getting good advice from your Pastor as well, so listen to it.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL