Anyone in the military and going thru a D?

I was divorced by a military member, can I be of any help?

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi,
My husband is divorcing me and hasn't given much say in the matter. I'm conflicted because of the fact that he has the house and my car in his name only because of a past credit issue I have. It has left me feeling very isolated because in recent arguments for the first time he has declared things are his and he's never done that before. My family has advised me to stay in the house and continue to use the car because I have a two year old and I work and go to school. I have no money saved and a part time job that pays little money which inables me to be financially and physically independent if him. Right now he's living on base for the 30 days in order to give me time to adjust to the divorce proceedings. What shiould I be preparing to do from a military wife standpoint?

Sorry it took me so long to respond...

did any of you report your spouse cheated? In the Army it is illegal. I'm debating on it...spouse would lose rank and money, which would hurt us. but then again, he knew it was illegal when he did it. Now he just doesn't care.

Just in here for a quick drive-by....

Mom, go to gqII and read the post by faithinme...she has reported her husband's A to the OW's command. There are a lot of considerations when you have kids because it WILL hurt you if he's punished.

I don't have kids with my H, but I chose not to report. Affair was over before I knew it though so it might have been different if the affair continued...I don't know.

re, the car for the other poster. Depends on your state but just because it's in his name, doesn't necessarily make it his. Could be considered part of marital assests. You need legal advice ASAP.

If your husband hasn't gone to military legal aid yet, go there for advice. They can't provide counsel to you, but they can advise. If your husband has already gone to them, they won't be able to help you so make an appt quickly.

Otherwise call EAP (do you have an ombudsman or "key wife"?) and see what they tell you. They are there for you. You could qualify for low-cost or free state legal aid as well. Get your ducks in a row!

Well, my H had the A when he was in TX (we are in CA) and pretty much was just waiting for me to find out. He was using his cell phone to call her. Anyway, they are still talking, even after she told me she doesn't want him, just *friends*..ya, right! Now he is using a calling card to call her and she has even called here before. I know they say love you, too. Ugh!

He wants to leave, actually left for 8 hours or so on Sunday night but has been home since. He claims he went and talked to a lawyer and found out that financially he will be fine even after paying child support for 2 kids. Well he is supposed to be getting a medical disharge from the Army soon and wont be getting a lot of money.

I'm still debating on the idea of reporting him or not.

My x is in the AF stil AD e8 with 25 years in. I told his 1st shirt, highest ranking NCO in the squadron. He supported me told x to get her out of his house and wait til he was divorced. I had never met this man x was in Utah I in SD. Yes you tell!!! Doesn't mean that they get kicked out of service. Means somebody is aware of the situation and monitors it. This goes in your favor as far as alimony or any type of maintence.

As my sig says I was married 21 years. I kept all of my benefits, get child support, alimony and will get half of his retirement when the time comes. Know that it will be in the next five years.


I am not sure how long that you have been married and it may not seem to be important at this time if you are not near the 15-20 year point but if he gets medically discharged you may be due some of that money. Get a lawyer that knows about military divorces, it's important pay X$$$$ it's worth it. If he is medically discharged that is different then medically retired. Even if you are not near 20 you are intitled to some of his retirement (Be it either medically or 20)in some states and he also may be intitled to some of yours. Be careful and know what is going on. Like I said a good lawyer that knows about the military divorce can get you more then someone that doesn't. There are some sites for military divorces on line that can be of help. Educate yourself!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mom of...
If your H has seen a military lawyer, you can still see a military lawyer, they send you to a different office on the base. If there isn't one, they would refer you to another base nearby.
There might be a lawyer who is a Reserve lawyer whom you could see also. Ask your JAG office if they have alist of Reserve Lawyers in your area. They sometimes will do legal work for free. If you were married 10 years plus you are entitled to some of his retirement, and medical for your children. Your children are entitled to medical until they are 21 (23 if they go to college) If you are talking divorce, be sure you get a lawyer who will fight for you and knows your military entitlements.
Don't let him off the hook.
Good luck

Texasgirl

In the Army it is illegal.
This depends on many circumstances.
And any prosecution of it depends on a bunch more stuff.

If your H has seen a military lawyer, you can still see a military lawyer
A military lawyer will simply tell you (& your husband) to go to a civilian lawyer. They do not handle divorces.
The can give you a some information (your rights to benefits as a spouse) but they cannot do any legal work for you.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris is right, it really depends on the chain of command.

It's hard to bring a case, but the CoC can make life difficult for a trooper.

I was a platoon leader and an XO for a signal company in Germany in the late 80's and early 90's. I used my powers under the UCMJ to stop some unseemly behavior.

I fired my Platoon Sergeant for having a relationship with a soldier in another unit while he was still married. He told me he was seperated, I said he was still married.

Too bad for him, he was an E6 promotable to E7, and was busted to E5. That was a costly mistake for him.

I ordered another soldier to stay over 100m from another female soldier who lived off base. He was putting the moves on her, but was still married. He tried to tell me I couldn't do that. I pulled out the UCMJ and showed him how far I COULD go, and that all I was asking him to do was to keep his fly zipped.

He understood and thanked me for giving him the chance to do the right thing and thanked me for the warning.

Gee, all of this support I gave to marriage, yet I can't find a way to get support for my own failing marriage.

Ironically, my wife's OM is a retired Navy Officer. Oh well, OM and WW won't have so much to live on, his marriage was 30 years, so he'll lose half of everthing including future retirement earnings and probably some alimony.

But it really depends on the Chain of Command regarding what happens to a soldier who is cheating.

TB

Gee, all of this support I gave to marriage, yet I can't find a way to get support for my own failing marriage.
You feel you aren't getting any support here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> Gee, all of this support I gave to marriage, yet I can't find a way to get support for my own failing marriage.
You feel you aren't getting any support here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes...

It's more about support from family, church, friends, etc.

I'm sure many here have a lot of empathy for my situation. Others have tried to help. It just doesn't seem to be working.

But, when I said the above, it's more about what I've felt from the people I'm personally in contact with.

If you feel slighted, consider yourself in good company, I've questioned God about His support too. If He really hates divorce, then why, when I ask him for a way to heal our marriage, he doesn't appear to be supporting that effort.

So I've asked here for a way to reach a withdrawn WW, and I haven't really gotten anything I can use. So, I've not gotten the support I feel I need.

I've asked God for a way to reach her, he doesn't appear to answer either.

So what support am I missing in meeting my objective of restoring my marriage. I'd really like to see it.

I know, many have said wait. We all know how hard that is.

BTW, I got the corrected settlement agreement today. I found much I can still pick apart. Still somewhat one-sided. Deadlines for me to do things, but things she is supposed to pay are left vague.

So I will send it back again.

But doesn't that too send the wrong message, that I'm impossible to please?

TB

Ok, When I contacted 1st shirt, I was told if I wanted to push the adultery thing that I had to have proof, pictures or something of them in the act. I didn't really want to push or go that far, said that I just wanted the 1st shirt to be aware that x was still married and that we had a written agreement that said that she could not move in til he was divorced. He said that he could push that without proof!!

The biggest thing that any of us prior military will tell you is make sure that your lawyer is knowledgeable with what you are entitled to and how to fight for that.

Java, you have to understand that you are getting support from many different areas, however if it's not exactly the kind of support that you think that it should be or that you want it doesn't mean the person lending the support isn't giving it. You just aren't perceiving it as support and they are perceiving it as support.

Also as far as the settlement, keep picking, ours went back and forth for 6 months or better, til it was acceptable to both of us. I didn't back down til I got what I had wanted from the beginning. I started with a goal and was patient.

My 2 cents and change for the evening!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're right the JAG officers can only give advice. But the lawyers who are Nat'l Guard or Reservists, not on duty, can represent you in their civilian capacity. some will do this and not charge as much or do it for free, and it might count toward credit to mil service. I don't know how that works. But when we handled things for My H's OC, result of his A, a lawyer who was a reservists handled it. We were in one state and the OW/OC were in another.
Just a thought.
Who ever you get, be sure that person will be the best advocate for you.

Texasgirl

Both my ex-military JAG lawyer and my own research told me that the Air Force wouldn't care about his infidelity unless A) it affected his work performance, B) it was with someone up or down his direct chain of command or C) he was flaunting his affair(s) in public.

Now I've got celluar phone bills from the month of December and the month of January with the same phone number. The number is called at al hours of the day and night has been before and after times that I have called. He ahs hung up with me to talk to her. I've now talked to her. They both say they are friends but she is in the navy also and that is all I know. He claims that she has a man and she is in another state. I feel just awful-and the flip side is he's saying are you ready to divorce me now??? It's as if he is doing this on purpose to get me to leave him. He's personality changes from minute to minute and so does his attitude. Sometimes he does things for me and then other times he does things against me. I'm so terribly confused and think my husband needs conseling but he won't go because he is afraid of losing his clearance renewal which is up in a few months. So much drama. Thanks everyone with the info... keep the posts coming.