Anyone on here that got D in an equitable distribution state?

Just wondering how often it ends up as 50-50?

Does it ever really swing to 70-30? 60-40?

I'm sorry but I really want 50-50...Does one person ever end up w/alot more than the other party?

I dunno if IL is an equitable distribution state or not. In my county it seems that means assets are divided 50/50 and liabilities are divided based on income. So since I have 80% of the household income, I both pay child support and get 80% of the debt.

FWIW,

TB

Hi -

I'm in Maryland, which is an equitable distribution state. When I started the process, my lawyer said that usually meant 50/50, but that it didn't have to be that way.

BUT... she also said that the way these things go, most people come up with a settlement before it goes to court, and as long as both parties sign up to the settlement, the court hardly ever overrules that. The settlement would have to be very lopsided for that to happen, most likely.

With some people, they manage to agree on most things, and the court only has to decide on a few issues. For the most part though, both sides are much better off if they can come to an agreement on their own before the court date. The courts do not want to have to divide up the property.

Now mind you, this is just me telling you based on my experience here in MD. Your best bet, always, is to get a professional opinion. Talk to a lawyer - most will do an initial consultation without obligation for free or for a small fee. Depending on how easy you think it will be for the two of you to agree on things, a mediator is usually cheaper than lawyers - though you still want a lawyer for the final paperwork.

Some people do the whole thing without any lawyers at all. Not necessarily what I would recommend, but each case is different.

My advice to you is this - first, go out to divorceinfo.com. They have a pretty good listing for each state of the resources, laws, etc. That should give you an idea of what your next step would be. And I would call a couple of lawyers - if you know anyone who has gone through a divorce and liked their lawyer, start there. See what they charge for an initial, no-obligation consultation. Pick one, and go talk to them. They will be the ones best able to tell you how to proceed.

Of course, it helps if you can get a really good lawyer referral first. I was able to get a referral to one that was very good about telling me the ways to make things easiest, cost the least, what my options were, etc.

Good luck! And sorry you have to be asking this question in the first place.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Penguin - I've been to 3 attorneys - none of them really reassured me that equitable typically boils down to 50/50...Wish I lived in a 50/50 state..

I have some issues that would be in my favor - but he has some too..

As for us agreeing on a settlement between ourselves..THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN...WH has already asked me - What it will take to buy me out and my reply is 50/50 - his reply - over my dead body..
Typical borderline narcissist personality - everything is HIM.....he feels after 10+ years I deserve NOTHING..His attitude is I came w/very little (not that he had SOOO much) he had child support, braces, etc. I had NO baggage...So I should leave w/nothing. I should start over w/nothing at 48 yrs. old and his life should just remain the same..

I know this whole settlement issue and dragging it out forever is going to be horrible - that's why I'm interested in how the court system views "equitable"..My fear is he will WIN - I'll be "picking SH$% w/the chickens"..as my mother puts it..hahah

Yes, it does stink. But from everything I have heard, you won't end up with nothing. Even if it isn't quite 50/50, you will be given a reasonable (if not completely fair) share.

The good news is - the courts seem to do a pretty good job of recognizing the role of the partner who makes less or has been the homemaker. But... they expect that even if your spouse has been supporting you, you will get out and find employment and support yourself within a reasonable time. That's just generalization, though - they do take the specific circumstances into account. The problem with that, of course, is that if you have been out of the job market a long time, or have not gotten training and are stuck in low wage jobs, it's hard to get past that after such a long time.

One thing I would at least think about, if I were you. Realize that I am assuming a lot here - that you have been mostly or completely a homemaker all this time. If I were you, I would start coming up with some ideas for jobs you would want. Think - training/school. Most jobs that don't require that, don't pay a lot. Either that, or ways you can go into business for yourself. Then, really research it. How much time and money would it take to get the training? Or how much money would it take to get the business off the ground, and how long would it take for it to be profitable? Try to get some help with these questions.

Why concentrate on that stuff? Because if you can show the court a concrete plan for a way to become self-sufficient, I think you would stand a much better chance of getting what you need to do exactly that. I.e., much better chance of a 50/50, or at least close to 50/50, settlement.

Those are some things I would ask the laywers, too. What are your best chances of getting a fair settlement out of this and how to go about it. Find a lawyer that has a good grasp of that whole picture.

One other question - has your STBX seen a lawyer yet? As I said before, the courts don't like to have to decide things. They much prefer for you to come in with the settlement in place, and then the court can just be a rubber stamp. The reason for this is that if the court has to decide every little thing... you know, who gets the candlesticks on the mantle kind of stuff.... it takes a LONG time. The longer it takes, the more of the joint assets go to the laywers rather than either of you.

Unfortunately, given your description of your STBX, he may not be rational enough to think about it that way, and to realize that by giving you more and being agreeable, it takes less lawyer time and he probably ends up with more that way anyway. My other suggestion here is.... use what you know about him. After all these years, surely you know how to flatter him and compromise with him to get what you want? At least to a certain extent.

I did this a lot. I knew what was most important to my X, and hit hard on those things. Absolutely refused to let him have the things that were most important to him.... then said, well, you can have this - if I can have THAT. Times when he really needed my cooperation - signatures on papers and such - I just refused until he gave in on something for me. I was horrible to have to do things that way, but I have worked a whole lot of years to get where I was, and he's the one who decided to tear it all apart.

You have a tough road ahead, no doubt. The best suggestion I can give is.... be strong, but also be wise. Don't give in without getting something back, but don't be too stubborn either. Figure out what is going to benefit you the most in the long run, then make him think that that would be the worst possible thing to give you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Use some psychology here. I'm not trying to make light of this, though. I know it won't be easy, and things may not end up completely fair, but I don't think you're going to be destitute either.

Oh, and a big one to remember - you ARE entitled to half of his retirement, and he is entitled to half of yours if you have any. Use that to your advantage too. It might be worthwhile to get him to buy you out of that, as long as you are disciplined enough to take what you get in the settlement and make sure you provide for your own retirement.

Good luck... and start interviewing those attorneys some more! Ask lots of questions - what would be the best strategy for getting half, how much it's going to cost, if he starts getting stubborn and dragging things out, what kinds of ideas does the lawyer have for getting past that and minimizing the legal fees, etc.

And though it should be first, not last.... pray. I don't know if you're a Christian, but I do believe God knows what's fair and helps a lot in these things.

And remember - it will vary, but from everything I've heard, unless there is a HUGE difference in assets, earning power, etc., things tend to go 50/50 in equitable distribution. In my case, part of the reason I worked so hard to get my X to agree to what I wanted is because I was the one who made more, who had paid for most everything, who had taken care of all the bills, done most of the paying for the house, etc. I was concerned that it WOULD go 50/50, and that was what my lawyer said I could expect if I didn't get things settled with him outside of court. The difference in my case is - he made a decent amount of money too, just not as much as I. And most of his went to indulging himself and running around on me, while I took care of the home. So 50/50 WOULDN'T have been fair to me. But I was told that's how it would probably go. To tell the truth, it probably was close to 50/50 - I just made sure that I got the half I wanted.

You'd think with the length of that last post, I would have said everything, but... (yeah, I can get wordy sometimes!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Try not to let what the lawyers are saying discourage you too much. Remember - they are absolutely not going to tell you you'd probably get 50/50, because there is a chance, even if it is small, that you won't. They have to be careful that they don't give you the impression that you are guaranteed to get half, because then if you don't, you might come back on them!

Another thing to ask them, then, is what they think is LIKELY to happen, given the circumstances. They will put all kinds of caveats on it - that there may be factors they don't know yet, that sometimes judges rule differently than you would think, etc. But after all the dire warnings, they will probably give you a reasonable idea of what to expect. They just have to prepare you that it might not go that way, because there's always a chance. You can also ask them what they've seen as typical judgements in cases like yours. That should also be a good indicator.

If there is a significant difference in earning capacity, it most likely won't be 50-50. In my state, a judge is specifically prohibited from starting at 50-50, and adjusting from there. In theory, then, they are supposed to start with a blank slate. It seems like the whole system is geared for the dependent spouse to ask for a lot more than 50-50, hoping that the other side will give in before trial. My lawyer told me that mine would probably be a 60/40 case, and that's what we settled on. Most SAHM with a professional spouse seem to demand 70/30. One of my lawyer's other clients settled at 65/35, against legal advice, so sometimes the strategy really works. What really drives it is the uncertainty, because there are no fixed guidelines. The law encourages conflict over equitable distribution.

Most couples settle on a distribution of assets and debts. The only time it will be truly 50/50 split is when a couple cannot settle on a distribution themselves. At that point, the court will order that all assets be accounted for, appraised and/or liquified and split down the middle.

That could mean selling a home to pay off the mortgage. That could mean splitting an 8 place table setting into two 4 place table settings. It can get crazy.

Ok - It's time to give you more details

WH and I own a very profitable business. He owns 20% more of the business than I do. Though, since it was purchased during the M - it's now M property rather than a "typical partnership".

WH would retain ownership - as he has the experience, and worked for the parent co. for many years.

I left my job of 20 yrs. to go into this business w/him

His salary is 3 times more than mine. THough, mine is very nice. More than my education, experience etc. would warrant in the open job market. But, all owners pay themselves pretty nice money. Company cars, vacations, expenses, etc.

I will be w/o a job my last job b-4 our business I made 35K a year. Doubt I'd be lucky enough to find a job paying that at this point and at my age.

Married 10 years, no debts, even business only has a few months left on loans. So we are free and clear on that.

No children together - his are grown

He always paid everything - my money was fun money, some house money, gifts, etc. He saved in 401k - owning a business you have a max. which accountant said only he should deposit to 401K.

WH doesn't see that I come to work everyday to count the pennies - he looks at it like HE DOES IT ALL..

He won't care about the attorney fees that will just get charged to the business..

He has a lifetime earning potential - since he will continue to own the business. Our business has grown every year.

Truly, I do not wish to be self-sufficient - this business was to be "our" livelyhood - our retirement - we would continue to own it and reap the benefits just have others run it. I have no choice than to get out - since it's M property I can't stay and earn an income if we D. That would be my preferred choice..He would never go for that - and really could I work "with" him and his OW??? NO..

I've had no thoughts of retiring and felt that I'd be here forever - running my end of things.

Because he choice to have multiple affairs - I have to leave this lifestyle behind.

I am spoiled..I want for very little..I understand the lifstyle you are accostomed to is also taken into account. That could work in my favor..

I'm sure WH has been to a lawyer that's why he isn't mentioning D - they probably told him the same as ine - try to work this out..You both have alot to lose..or since we are only living in the same house - he may be working on the 2 year no contest rule and then he can file and I can't stop it..Then he wouldn't have to pay spousal support for very long. He did tell me he would drag out the settlement forever if he had too..

I have contacted a CPA that can give me a rough estimate of the value of our business which is important. Naturally, a forensic accountant would be brought in once papers were filed. But, I'd like to be better equipped b-4 that happens.

TMMX - Who got 60? Who got 40? Why did it split that way?

I will ask - How to go about getting a fair distribution. Is there something I need to do to CMA..I never wanted a D..But, he has created a hostile environment at home/work. One of his MOW work for us..SO what, I pay her to S$(%$ my husband..

Maybe I can sue him in civil court for hostile workplace.hahah

Obviously, you will need a lawyer to tell you what you are entitled to, what is realistic, etc. But here are a couple of questions for you:

- Why do you say he would retain ownership of the business? Working for the parent company for years doesn't necessarily mean that. Same with the experience. Now realistically, you probably aren't prepared to take over the business. But just because you get divorced doesn't mean the business partnership automatically has to be terminated.

Of course, you probably will both want it to end. But I don't think the court will see it that way. As a marital asset, interest in and ownership of the business would be split. Then, if your STBX doesn't want to have to deal with you as an owner, he would have to buy you out. That buyout can be done as part of the settlement agreement, but I'd be surprised if a judge would just award him the business. He'd probably be given a choice - either you retain X% (probably 50%, I would guess, or slightly less) ownership of the business, or your STBX comes up with the cash equivalent to buy you out, if you are also agreeable to that.

And there's nothing to say you can't, as an owner, hire someone to help you manage your portion of the business.

But again.... why do you assume he just gets the business? In other words, don't think like that.

- Why do you think his time in the business will count more than yours? Just because he was with the parent company and you weren't? You left another job to work in the business. And it sounds to me like you've both kind of let him assume ownership of the business, but the law doesn't see it that way. You're married, and it's a marital asset like any other.

- Why do you talk about the fact that only he deposited in the 401K? That doesn't matter. You mentioned that there are limits of how much can be put into the 401K. That's true - and those limits are based on BOTH of you. If he had been single, the amount he had been able to put in would have been a lot less. Who put the money in doesn't matter - that's just accounting. The fact of the matter is - when it comes to a divorce, all of the retirement is seen as a joint asset as well. You are entitled to half. (I think there may be some requirements on how long you've been married for that to be true.) And I should restate that a little - you are entitled to half of what was accumulated during the marriage.

- Why would he be allowed to charge the attorney fees to the business? It isn't a business expense. If he tries to do it that way, scream long and loud. If he charges it to the business, since you are part owner, you are also paying for his attorney fees. And for your own all by yourself. That isn't the way business works. If he starts rolling personal liabilities into his business expenses, that has tax implications. If you see this kind of stuff happening, or he isn't playing fair with you on the settlement, start talking about company audits and involving the IRS! In fact, since the OW works at the business too, you might want to have the CPA start looking at some of his business expenses and see which ones involved the OW. You could probably contest those as legitimate business expenses.

Are you starting to see where I'm going here? Get a good lawyer, get that CPA on the job, and don't be afraid to tell both of them EVERYTHING. With the OW working at the business, the affair could be a factor in the settlement. Just make sure you have a lawyer that won't let him pull this stuff on you, and you'll be fine.

But educate yourself. If you see yourself as a pampered BS that doesn't know anything about the business, and are just hoping he'll give you half, he'll see you as ignorant, and figure that he can dictate all the terms and get away with it. If you find out where you stand in terms of the law - and have a lawyer helping you back it up - you might find he becomes a lot more agreeable to working this out out of court.

And from what little you've said, I'm guessing there's a pretty good chance he wouldn't want some of the accounting in the business to be scrutinized too closely. Saying that he would just charge the attorney fees to the business... well, if you're right about that, I would bet there've been plenty of business meetings with the OW charged to the business too. An independant audit of your company could be a real help in this to you.

Here's something else I would like to ask you, though.

Now please don't take this the wrong way - I'm trying to help here - but how much of the MB principles have you tried to do? I haven't followed your story enough to know.

The reason I ask this is.... well, I may be getting the wrong impression from what you've written. But I see you talk about being spoiled... you sometimes talk about doing little with the business, but you talk about running your end of things, and that you expected to work there the rest of your life.

What I'm getting at here is... part of going through the MB process is working on yourself. Becoming someone that the spouse finds attractive (more than just physical) and, even if it doesn't bring the spouse back, becoming someone that IS self-sufficient, strong, able to enjoy life without the spouse, etc. This is important no matter what, because there are no guarantees. Even if you and STBX got back together, he could die in 6 months, and then where would you be?

And you talk about not really wanting to be self-sufficient. Is it possible that that's part of the problem in the marriage? If STBX sees you as needy, that could be causing resentment and problems.

I could be way off base with this... if so, I'm sorry. And I do understand - I didn't want anything to change, and had a really hard time going through D. But the thing is, when you find yourself in this situation, change is inevitable. But you can let the change happen to you, or you can take some control, and at least determine what your life will be with that change.

Again, I could be wrong, but I wonder if some of this with your STBX isn't just.... boredom. Almost as if he doesn't see you anymore. Maybe you don't challenge him. Mind you, I'm not trying to blame the As on you... but what have you done to try and change the conditions that led to the A?

And if you really have done the work - then turn that work toward making a life for yourself. Heh - the devlish part of me is saying DON'T give up your share in the business... instead, start learning and take an active roll in it! I would bet if you did that, one of two things would happen - either your STBX would sit up, take notice, and start getting really curious about this woman that took over his BS; or he'll get so ticked off that he'd give you just about anything to leave! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Maybe it's time for you to start stirring up a few things on your own!

Equitable distribution generally means the person with less earning capacity (i.e., you) should get more than 50% of the assets, to make up for the difference in earning potential. There are other factors, but income is usually the main factor. My ex got the 60%.

Community property states are the ones that "split down the middle". Equitable does not mean equal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong> Anyone on here that got D in an equitable distribution state? *YEP. IN ALASKA*

Just wondering how often it ends up as 50-50? *HA! ARE YOU SERIOUS?*

Does it ever really swing to 70-30? 60-40? *MAYBE. I KNOW IT SURE DIDN'T IN MY PARTICULAR CASE*

I'm sorry but I really want 50-50...Does one person ever end up w/alot more than the other party? *THEY SURE DO. JUST ASK MY EX-WIFE. WE DID 97 PERCENT (HER) AND 3 PERCENT (ME)* </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All I can say from my past experience is - if you want something, you'd better get it before you leave the Family house - otherwise, if your STBX is anything like mine, you can forget it. Don't believe that the Courts care either - you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was NOT 50/50 and they'll just BLOW YOU OFF - they have far too many cases on the docket to come back to yours...
This is only what I can tell you what happened to me.
CYA!
SDLOM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you say he would retain ownership of the business? Working for the parent company for years doesn't necessarily mean that. Same with the experience. Now realistically, you probably aren't prepared to take over the business.

No I'm not prepared - it would take many, many years of hands on to run the business.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But just because you get divorced doesn't mean the business partnership automatically has to be terminated.

I guess from talking w/a a few attorneys since it's marital property - he would "have" to buy me out..I have put thought into just saying I don't want bought out..I want to keep my ownership..But, I also "think" - WH has drawn up a new will - this could/would cut me to the quick..He would leave EVERYTHING he legally can to his children. With his current lifestyle of many MOW and his drinking I only see that something is going to happen. I see that he is worth more to me financially now then if something does happen to him.I see that he is not fully in touch w/everything in the business - which means that w/the lack of respect (since employees know what's going on) we could both suffer financially since we have a few people that handle the "cash"..

I have stayed on the sidelines of the business. Before WH was wayward - he had his business head on right..Now he has so many forces pulling on him - I don't think he's mentally into work anymore. He delegates more and more to others.
Also, I always feared if I poked the tiger it would bite. I've been mentally afraid of my husband for years. Part of it is the conflict avoider in me..That I see was a huge mistake on my part.

401K yes - I do know I am entitled to 1/2..All monies in the one account are during the M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would he be allowed to charge the attorney fees to the business?

Even if he didn't actually charge them to the business he can withdraw money from the account any time he wants for whatever he wants. So can I - Though, it does hit tax return.. It may be viewed as a business expense as he would be trying to protect the business assets from a divorce.

I see the majority of expenses that come out of the business - I pay all the credit cards, cell phones, I have control of the checkbook. Should I see him taking advantage of the credit cards - I plan on seeing our corp. attorney to put him on a "budget"..It was one thing when "we" had dinner out w/business assoc. It's another when he's just having drinks w/friends and acting as the big spender.

I don't have actual proof of the OW from work - though, I "see it"..I hear things about them stoppping for drinks, etc. Her BS has called me about what's going on..He can't stop her anymore than I can stop my WH..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now please don't take this the wrong way - I'm trying to help here - but how much of the MB principles have you tried to do?

I tried for a good Plan A - WH was too far gone by the time I figured out he was involved in many affairs. Nothing I did was right. He just has too many outside forces pulling at him, many OW, his kids, and his one loser friend. I truly believe Wh has been wayward longer than I originally thought..He may have been this way during the entire M..Since he is a serial cheat - MB principles don't have an effect. Im his 4th wife and I believe we were all BS. His parents were not shocked to hear of his A's..

The MB principles of "working on myself" are starting to be in place. I've been in IC for a year now and it's remarkable how far I've come. Just not fearing him anymore is a huge step. As for becoming self-sufficient - that could take quite a bit longer..Being independant(in a sense) is an easier step for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you talk about not really wanting to be self-sufficient. Is it possible that that's part of the problem in the marriage? If STBX sees you as needy, that could be causing resentment and problems

I'm not needy since I never really went to him for money - I've always worked. Resentment could come from many factors - I've not had a solid relationship w/his kids - though nor did he until we purchased the business. They got closer to him when they saw all the benefits it afforded them. I have a great family support system/structure - he's not had that. My newphew is a great kid, college educated, clean cut, works hard, helps everyone - his son is the extreme opposite.WH tells me I think and my family think we are better than everyone else - WE DON'T..But, he views us that way because we are close and do for each other. We associate w/others at the same level. I have friends that may not have as much $$ as I do - but they have the same values, morals, etc. They are my friends because I am there for them and they for me..WH kids, loser friend are there for the $$. I've told WH this - he says HE DOESN'T CARE THAT HE'S BEING USED. Probably no different than the MOW or OW that see $$$..the lifestyle..

At my old job I had alot of friends, when we bought our business I let those relationships go. I became bored - I needed an outlet..so I bought a horse, I became more independant, I wasn't home as much, I let little things go - I became obsessed w/the horse and getting to the barn. I apologized to him for this - it was too late..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I could be wrong, but I wonder if some of this with your STBX isn't just.... boredom. Almost as if he doesn't see you anymore. Maybe you don't challenge him. Mind you, I'm not trying to blame the As on you... but what have you done to try and change the conditions that led to the A?

I semi-agree w/boredom..Work doesn't really challenge him anymore..He basically is overseeing and thats it. When he worked for the parent company he was very dedicated - now he miss alot of days or leaves at noon when 1 of the MOW call.

As for me challenging him - I think the day I left my BS for him- was the day the challenge ended..He won..It's all about the chase - that's why all his OW are M...My obsession w/the horse was threat to him, new friends, things to do..He has no outside intrests other than MOW..

As for trying to change the conditions that led to the A's - You can't change if you don't know what's wrong..He isn't honest and open enough to tell me the truth. He has said He has a problem, he needs help, he needs to talk to someone..Yet, I made him 2 IC appts. he never went to. Some of this is definately about me..But, I can bet alot is a very deep character flaw that he's lived w/for years and the pain of fixing it is too much.It is easier to just start over for him - I've accepted that now..It took alot - but, I've let go almost 100%..I think the MOW help him escape his torment, they empower him, he doesn't want true Intimacy..he doesn't know how to have that..In 10 years I don't think we ever had that..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">start learning and take an active roll in it! I would bet if you did that, one of two things would happen - either your STBX would sit up, take notice, and start getting really curious about this woman that took over his BS; or he'll get so ticked off that he'd give you just about anything to leave! Maybe it's time for you to start stirring up a few things on your own!

I have stepped up to the plate at work - I'm getting more involved - whether he sees that or not - at this point it no longer matters to me..What matters is protecting my business interest and forging ahead w/o him. I'm not gonna step on his toes but someone has to pick up what he isn't seeing. I need to be more visable at work and I'm doing that..someone has to gain respect from the employees and let that be me..You can bet his MOW at work ain't gonna like seeing more of me..too bad..My name is on this business and she will no longer make me feel like an outsider..

I truly believe our M is over, w/no chance of recovery and since I've accepted that I need to CMA..and not let ANYONE intimidate me any longer..

Ahh.... that definitely all explains a lot.

You're right then - the big thing here is to get over your fear of him (or maybe it's more just timidness where he's concerned). And it seems pretty evident he's a serial cheater too, which is very hard to get past.

So, as long as you are sure this is the road to take, I don't think you have that much to worry about. Like I said before - getting smart about this and taking a stand are your best bets.

Oh, and back to how the lawyers get paid.... it would really be something to bring up with the CPA, but.... even just taking money out of the business accounts, there should be some accounting of what it is for to prove it IS a busniess expense, otherwise it can cause tax problems - at least, I believe that's how it works, right? And if so, you can, and should, raise a stink if he in any way ties to charge those expenses to the business. I don't think it can be considered a business expense because he is trying to "protect" the business. That would be true if he was getting sued by some outside party, but I don't think that would apply in the case of a divorce and having to split the business. Your CPA and/or a lawyer should be able to advise you on that though.

Good luck, and I hope this has at least helped put some of your fears to rest, if nothing else.

See Penguin - There is always more to the "story"..

Believe me in the past couple of months I have really been watching the $$$.

I also plan on stopping in at our corp. attorneys office to review any additional contracts "we" may have signed beside the original partnership. I don't remember any - but, the attorney may have been smart enough to protect my husband in a divorce situtation and I didn't realize that I was signing my life away...

I want myself set up and ready - coz it will get ugly.

Jewlery is considered marital property -Wh has a list from the insurance agent w/the assigned dollar amount tucked away..He'll use my jewlery as "something he's giving me" as part of the settlement...That's crazy..What about all the gifts I've given over the years - just becoz they didn't hold their value or were clothing, etc. they don't count??

Again, I have tried for well over a year to "change" this man into a man of dignity and standards. I now see that I cannot change or help him to change if he does not want to. I have accepted that..
Only I can change and that's where I am..
I have waited for him to realize "We are worth saving" it's not gonna happen.
He's had to many MOW (that I know of) for me to accept him back in my life. He is now a stranger to me.
He has continued to use me as a doormat for too long. I cannot allow it anymore.
I came to MB starving for infomation to save my M - I would have done anything to save it..Now, I accept it can't be saved.
I accept that he doesn't me as a wife, lover, friend he has choosen others over me.
He has jeopardized our business (2 employees), marriage, family, friends, for MOW..I no longer respect him and I can NEVER trust him again. He went too far over the edge for too long..If he had come back even 3 months ago - I would have openly accepted him..

Now it's too late for me - I'm now too far gone too..

I do not want to be a wife that closes her eyes to infidelity for the money/lifestyle. I can build a life w/o him. I just am still alittle afraid of the risk of divorce financially. I don't deserve to start over w/nothing and I will do what it takes to protect myself. I will fight for every penny because I've been in the business from the start - I helped even if he doesn't see it that way.

Thanks for all your support and help I'll use your suggestions to aid in this divorce.