Try just forgetting how miserable I am just long enough to make H wonder "what's up"! I don't give a sh** how it makes him feel at the moment. I am having a moment ALONE! I hope all understand but I can't spend all my waking moments worrying about what he is up to, who he is talking to, what is going through his mind. I have asaked repeatedly and recieved NO reply, so I resign myself at least for today to think about me and me alone. Guess what, He doesn't like it! What a kicker. I don't care. I have taken enough of the lies and deceipt. Maybe it's his turn to feel a little "out of the loop". I've worked sooooo hard on this marriage, it's his turn! I don't want out but a break thru would be nice. Anyone else feel this way or is it just me (I doubt it's just me), Just venting a little here, I know it's safe to do so here! Thanks all...

You know what else I can't stand doing anymore... I can't stand (sorry to be so graphic) but I can't stand cleaning up his diareah'd potty seats anymore. The diareah he has because he is a LIAR... He knows it and so do I!!! I can't stand to go into the bathroom and find another toilet soiled because he can't tell me the truth about "Who he is, and what he has done". I think he has been telling himself so many lies for so long that he doesn't even know truth from falicy! I am sick over this SHAM i call a marriage. What a joke. I still in my stupidity LOVE him. Why, why. Why do we subject ourselves to this miserable tortue. Someone please answer me?!

Thanks for your venting!!! My H is a born Liar too. He has been blinded to his own defects so so long that when I have tried confronting him over the years (11) He turned the tables on me for being jealous, possesive, angry , nuts etc. Then in all of his immature hostility that he could not live with anymore , he decided to "GET EVEN" with me and F@#$%$'N cheat on me twice in a period of 3 years!! This last time I was pregnant with out first child. How about adding alittle humiliation to it all, and letting everyone at his work place know af his affairs too?? Wouldn't ya know he met both B@#$ch"s at work. Even his boss knows!!! Yep. I have been wrking diligently onmyself for a long time now. The counseling we had 3 year ago , left me vulnerable and of course, this SICKO TURNED IT AGAINST ME. Using it as a weapon to screw with my Pysche!!<BR>And I still love him. I will pray for ya now and put you on prayer list too.

No Glenn... Thanks for the reply but it is definitely not the "Bottle", although he has started to drink more since the initial "Discovery" I made... He has Diareah when he is faced with questions that he cannnot answer to me. I just don't want to believe his lies anymore and am thinking of setting him up to see if he really is the "Innocent" he says he is. We have 3 kid's and I'll be damned if I will put them thru years of torture. I will not subject them to his B/S. As I have written before I have much more self-respect than that!

Thanks Channel #5, I know it is hard to love those who hurt us so terribly. I am taking time for myself right at the moment. I don't care what he thinks or feels at the moment. He has been inconsiderate of my feelings long enough. I am a Christian woman but enough is enough, God doesn't call us to be a "Doormat"! I will not Lovebust to him, I am the "Queen" of No Lovebusting, but I can here, and I will if I have to. I hope you all don't mind, I've just kept all this bottled up for so long that I can't survive unless I let it out. Thank you in advance to all that are in the line of fire, I apologize in advance, I just am in so much pain.

Glenn, I agree It is Mental illness... He is such a "Nice man" that if he ever did anything to tarnish his impecable life it WOULD throw him into this physical upheaval. He is a great guy with so much going for him... he has made some very bad mistakes as a married man. But cannot admit to cheating on me. Even though all the evidence I have points directly to "Something" that is not marritally sound. He has taken time away that he can't explain in a logical sense, has made countless phone calls to a certain somebody but swears it's just a friendship, has been out taking rides with women and thinks, it should be no big deal to me because "Nothing happened", but I am not convinced.

(can not stay long) H is due home any minute now. GLENN: is this mental illness of my H too? He is MR.Perfect also. Until Now!! I think it is pride that makes people think they cannot or will not "fall". I hope and pray my H sees this in himself and changes.I lauged when reading your post. I can relate to 2souls2. thanks for input.

I think that is the best thing you can do for yourself. You have to take care of yourself. And a little wondering never hurt anyone.<P>------------------<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ

Thank you for your replies... I was having a very difficult time last night, and wanted to feel selfish for just a moment... as I spend most of my time being understanding, patient, kind, truthful, caring... and I suppose I have just got a little tired of doing that and seeing very little progress. I don't want overnight success, I would just like 1 step forward and 1 step back, instead it seems with each revelation that I make (from a man who wishes to be infaliable in everyone's eyes) it sets us back 2 steps. It feels like I am being buried in his sea of lies. I don't want to be buried and my kid's don't deserve that either. He is very good at being deceptive and has gone underground since I first started to really pay attention to details. There have been so many inappropriate actions for a married man, and each time I read about the intricacies of what happens to a person who is having an affair, his changes and behaviors fit the bill. I am a very patient loving person by nature, and perhaps by being that person I have given permission to be mistreated. Because I don't complain, am easy going, I have made all of his seperate life possible. I do very much want to save and restore this marriage, but I can't do it alone. He refuses counseling. I will try to see if he will be willing to work through the questionaires on the site. He knows I'm withdrawing from him, he knows I've been very patient, and I think he is afraid of me leaving. He asked if we could get together for some "Time out" tomorrow, so maybe he is ready to level with me. I don't know. I am continuing with plan A and don't lovebust, but as I said at the beginning of this thread, I am going to stop paying so much attention to what he is up to. I am going crazy wondering, waiting for his response to anything I say or write, and I have 3 little ones to take care of. Thanks to this site and those loving souls that lurk here, I can keep my sanity. Thank you all...