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I have been divorced for 2 years now and have recently gotten remarried. My new wife is a great christian lady who has no kids of her own and who absolutely loves my kids and my kids truelly love her. I built a new house closer to the town that my kids live in for the sole purpose of being able to spend more time during the week with my kids. Because of the divorce I only have custody of them 2 weekends a month but they have spent the nite a few times at the new house on school nites.

Here is the problem. I work 12 hour shift work so I am off 14 days a month that I could have my kids and be a part of their lives again that I have so desparately missed the last couple years. I couldn't before because of finacial reasons from the divorce and I had to live an hour away with my parents but I drove a couple times a week to spend time with my kids but I wasn't able to be a part of their everyday life of doing homework and putting them to bed or just getting them up for school and fixing breakfast for them. I asked my x-wife last nite since i am 15 minutes away now if we could work something out where I have the kids on Monday, Tuesday, and wednsday 2 weeks out of the month. Her answer was no because the kids needed one place to call home and one place to have a routine. To me the kids would have a routine here too and we would provide another very loving atmosphere. The kids would love to do it but my X doesn't see it that way.


A few facts about her household. Her husband is retired special forces from military and he works 15 hours away for 30 days at a time for the military training special forces guys. He has a drinking and a anger managment problem. He does treat my kids great but my kids need there father and not some bozo that is not a good role model for them. My ex-wife has been sperated twice from him after only 1 year of marriage.

My question is this: Would seeking 50/50 custody hurt or help my kids?


Love in Christ,

cajunky

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

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It may be better for the kids, but you will have a high barrier to mount if your ex-wife says no, because the court won't usually disturb a 2-year arrangement without strong reasons. Bear in mind the kids may tell you they'd like more time at your new house, while telling your ex different; they are in middle and trying to please both of you. If you decide to go ahead, you will need some actual proof, and expect some harsh counterattacks. Overall it's better to get a consent change to the custody, unfortunately, you have a weak hand to play.

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Cajunky,

I am in a similar situation. Living an hour away with my mother due to our separation but will relocate within 15 minutes after the D since we have 2 homes we will most likely split.

I've been reading and hearing that changing custody is difficult. You say the kids sleep over during the week sometimes. Would you consider more parenting time in that regards, rather than change the custody agreement? Does she have sole custody?

I would approach the court asking for more parenting time, rather than custody change because most courts today want fathers to be involved in their children's lives.

I am hoping to eventually have my kids sleep over one or two nights during the week, as well as the alternating weekends, based on similar reasons you've cited. I wish you the best because I'll be living the same situation soon and I really don't like it. Good luck!

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Cajunky,

In regards to your question: I believe it depends on your circumstances in general and how your children feel about it. Your kids are not babies so they would most likely adjust if they agree to it.

The trick is getting your X and the courts to agree. My STBX is extremely possessive of our kids. They are very young but she does not even want to give me basic visitation!!! So I'm in for a battle myself. Sometimes I wish parents would put their children's needs ahead of their own. Best of luck to you. You sound like a great father.

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IMO I believe if you can provide another stable home and have them attend the same school etc then it should be beneficial to the kids. I had the opposite situation, when I first divorced my ex would not take them, I nearly had to force him. When he did take them occasionally overnight it was for one night only and sometimes it would be months in between. This caused a lot of hurt and anger in my kids.

I would suggest you set up your home to have the basic necessities for your kids, sleeping arrangements etc and go to court. I can't imagine why a judge would refuse a decent caring father more access to his own children especially if it does not affect their day to day life. I wonder why your ex w has an issue with it, it's not like you are fighting her for full custody. Even if you do lose, your kids will know what you tried to do for them and will remember.

Marie

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mcmkr,

Your comments bring up an interesting point. When a father WANTS his children, the mother plays games and keeps him away. When a father WALKS, the mother does everything she can to get him involved. If he doesn't, she complains that he doesn't care.

I'm thinking of showing my STBXW that I don't care. That way she'll give me more time with the kids without a fight. The ol' reverse psychiatry.

It's all about control and lots of women want to simply control their husbands by using the kids.

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If you do decide to go either route suggested, make sure that you are the one with your children. Many people remarry, and expect their new spouse to be a caretaker of their children.
Parenting time means just that, your time with the kids. If you can prove that your schedule allows you more time, and it's stable you will have more of a chance.

Also keep in mind your intentions - whether you want more time, or decreased CS. The former may go alot further in negotiating with your X.

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cajunky Offline OP
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Thanks for your opinions so far. The purpose of doing this is for the sole reason of being more involved with my kids and their day to day lives. I don't care a thing about the CS. It is only money. What you don't understand is I was the one to take my kids on bike rides, play out in the yard with them, get them ready for school. I reeeeaaalllllyyyyy miss doing those things for my kids but I don't want to damage them more.

Does anybody know what the "Professionals" say about it or do you know of any good websites that might guide me on this.

Love in Christ,

cajunky

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I don’t know where you are, but in Minnesota I have been told that changing the custody designation is nearly impossible. Lobbying for parenting time though is another thing. You may be successful in getting more time, and the fact that you don’t care about the money will immediately make just about any judges ears perk up…. They will almost automatically take you serious as a dad who only wants to be in his kid’s lives. The double standard here is that as a man, I am vilified for being concerned about money. I shouldn't have a care as to how I will be making ends meet… or what kind of lifestyle the kids have when they are with me. If I go into court and even so much as mention money, the judge writes me off as some greedy @sshole who cares more about money than my kids. Whereas, it seems to me, that the mom, can make the whole damn fight concerning the kids all about money and she is totally justified. She is allowed to argue that my time with the kids should be limited so that her child support payments won’t be affected. As an example, during our bouts of mediation, my WW would only share summers with me as long as she still would be receiving full CS. I get the kids a full 50% of the summer, yet she still gets the full amount of CS. And she would not agree unless that was the case. Now, ostensibly the CS is for the benefit of the kids… yet the kids will be in my care half the time, creating a greater household expense at my home, soooo wouldn’t it stand to reason that she should only get paid for the time that the kids are actually with her???? It makes no sense to me. But my kids are more important than the dollars so I really don’t care.

My point in saying all that is this. If you go into court (or mediation) and plead your case… you were always involved as a dad until the divorce, you moved closer now, they will be in the same school district, and you have all this free time, ect. ect. ect. ….AND you don’t even care to touch the issue of CS…. Well, a judge or mediator should take notice and have a much better view of you than otherwise (as unfair as that is).

Now, that said, I do think your XW may have a point. Kids do need stability. They need a place to call “home”, a place they can count on laying their heads at night, so on and so on. You will probably have a hell of a time getting 50-50… especially if she is disagreeing. You may be able to pick up another night a week though. I think standard visitation (I hate that word by the way… I don’t “visit” my kids… I am their dad, I parent them!) is every other weekend and one overnight visit a week. So, you would probably have a pretty good chance getting your night back if you don’t already have that.

I have a question though. Does your XW work full time? If so, were do your kids go after school and during the summer? The reason I ask is that , if you have 12-14 days a month off, maybe you can petition the court to have the kids those days in lieu of them sitting in daycare… assuming that is the case. In Minnesota that is actually a statute. The “non-custodial” parent shall be allowed to have the kids instead of the m sitting in daycare. It is not cause for a reduction in CS… but then again, that’s not what guys like us are concerned about. Now, you’d have to give them back to your XW when she gets off work… but time is time, right? You still get to be there when they get off the bus, you still get to help with homework half the time, you still get to spend their summer days with them. So they don’t spend the night all those nights… Is that really a big deal? Just a suggestion.

I’m in the same boat… relatively speaking… so I know what you’re going through. Good luck and hang in there.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

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I am going through a D right now and have had full custody of my five kids for the two years my STBXW and I have been separated. I have struggled with this issue more than any other.

I counsel with SH and he is of the opinion that the kids are better off living at one place most of the time for the stability it provides. He said that he VERY rarely suggests a 50/50 split because the kids need a "home base".

My lawyer has also told me that the courts in my state lean toward an arrangement like this for the same reasons.

I think that there is good reason behind the idea of stability first for the kids. People too often want to use this as an excuse to keep the kids from the other parent simply out of spite. A truly responsible parent has to weigh the importance of them spending time with both parents and be willing to not be so rigid with visitation. My W lives very close by, in the same school district. If she wants to have the kids a couple of nights during the school week occasionally I would not begrudge her or the kids of that. I also plan on being VERY liberal with visitation during the summers. Your XW sounds like she may be doing this for the wrong reasons.

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To HL:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> a father WANTS his children, the mother plays games and keeps him away. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you fail to realize that many people are not parenting their children when they are together, and some DEMAND their kids without any experience parenting. This was the case with me.
X spent less than 10% of time with the kids, and about 1/10 of that time alone with the kids - yet demanded 50/50 custody. For some people, it's all about money.
And in 18 months the agreement has been in place, he's never asked for additional time. EVER, nor taken any when offered. So how much time people can handle, vs. what they demand is very different.

PS. My DD's teacher has said she considers my house her home. I reinforce the two home comments, but the kids seem to want to feel they have a home. In my house, they have their own rooms decorated with their choices of colors and bedding. It makes a difference.

Good Luck guys, but it's not all about control. Sometimes it's about protecting your children from an absentee parent (although physically present, many X's won't actually care for their kids).

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong> To HL:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> a father WANTS his children, the mother plays games and keeps him away. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you fail to realize that many people are not parenting their children when they are together, and some DEMAND their kids without any experience parenting. This was the case with me.
X spent less than 10% of time with the kids, and about 1/10 of that time alone with the kids - yet demanded 50/50 custody. For some people, it's all about money.
And in 18 months the agreement has been in place, he's never asked for additional time. EVER, nor taken any when offered. So how much time people can handle, vs. what they demand is very different.

PS. My DD's teacher has said she considers my house her home. I reinforce the two home comments, but the kids seem to want to feel they have a home. In my house, they have their own rooms decorated with their choices of colors and bedding. It makes a difference.

Good Luck guys, but it's not all about control. Sometimes it's about protecting your children from an absentee parent (although physically present, many X's won't actually care for their kids). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can agree with your statement that it's about money. My WW makes 1/5th of what I make. Under IL CS guidelines what I will pay in CS is 60% of her annual salary. That's a pretty good chunk of money.

Like many others, I asked for 50% parenting time with no desire to reduce CS to account for this time.

Yet, I might get YD 20% of the time. WW's standard of living is greatly improved with my CS contribution being close to 1/3rd of her income.

Yet she pays no taxes on the CS and I don't get to deduct it, nor file as H of H. At least I get to claim YD every odd numbered year.

TB

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Want my wife back - just a quick comment. I agree/disagree with a comment you made about CS in the summer or extended visits. Although the children are with the non-custodial parent for say 1 mth of the summer, the custodial parent still has to pay the expenses of the home even if the kids are not there such as mortgage, electricity, cable etc. Although the usage may be lower it still has to be paid.

I have a boy and a girl therefore after a certain age they could not have the same bedroom so I have to provide a 3 bedroom home for us, if they had ever been to their fathers for a month or two I would still have to pay the rent/mortgage on the home whereas he had only a one bedroom apt. I agree with maybe not giving as much but it really should not be an issue of greed.

Cajunky - asking for shared parenting 50/50 is not really asking for a custodial change so it may be viewed differently. I believe that a judge will look at it that way. Changing an actual custody would be hard. More & more fathers are getting shared parenting than before.

My ex bf used to pay $400.00 a month for both his kids to his ex w, he would also buy all the back to school supplies, clothing, hockey equipment and registration in full. I thought he was doing too much then a new law in Canada came out of paying according to Federal Guidelines per his income. He then had to pay $800.00 a month based on his income. He had to sell his home and drive a beat up truck to pay his CS. His ex W worked, made more than him, had beautiful clothes, bought a new semi, new van and was always all done up. The kids wore Nike socks and designer clothes. What was the fairness in that ? As a divorced woman myself with two children and not receiving any cs for many years maybe I was envious but I did not think she needed all of that money. I would have been rich on my income and 800.00 extra a month, now that was greed.

There is so many different situations, you hear about deadbeat fathers and greedy ex wives then there are some of us that just want what is best for the kids and to lead a normal life.

Marie

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cajunky-

Just wanted to say hi - it's been a long time. For me, it's never been an issue about custody if it were to happen. I aready knew I would get it, but was not going to put anything legally in about parenting - just say that we had already worked it out. We are talking about DV and exploring different things, but it's not a certainty.

Blessings,


D.

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

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My daughter spends exactly half of her time with each parent. In my years of experience, the key is scheduling and sticking to it as much as possible, but that does NOT mean that the child can't spend a few days here and a few days there. It just means that the days spent at each place must be the same days. The child must know where they're going to be next at all times. Hey, they have friends and have a life too.

For example, we do this:
Mon, Wed, every other Fri-Sun with me
Tue, Thurs, every other Fri-Sun with X

So long as my daughter knows where she is going to be next and knows what bus to take or wait for a ride, she's good.

I believe it is extremely important for both parents to be active in the child's life.

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My kids hate the back and forth. In your schedule, they aren't with either of you for 2 days in a row during the week. That seems like too much of a transition. Our custody evaluator tried to minimize the back and forths, and tried to give each parent at least 2 nights in a row to bond.

Communication is key in frequent transitions, and many X's can't communicate well - hence the D.

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cajunky,
I applaud you for wanting to take a more active role in your kids'lives. I truly believe 50-50 custody can work if both parents support it. Initially that is what my H had w/ his daughter. His XW resented it at first and played games w/ the clothes, medications, toys, etc. that were transported back and forth between homes.

Sadly she no longer has custody, just supervised visitation (due to her violation of an injunction against her smoking in her home or around the baby).

However, I have an uncle that has 50-50. His boys go to the same school and the parents live within ten minutes of one another so they share the same friends etc.

With maturity and a litlle common sense 50-50 custody can be enriching for the parents and child(ren).

Good luck to you. tewjtm/femalesargeant @ TOW

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newly

Yes, our schedule does seem to go back a forth a lot, but realize this...

During the week my daughter sees each parent every day. I think this constant parent contact is beneficial.

Additionally, during holidays like spring break, christmas, and summer vacation, my daughter is with each of us for weeks at a time without bouncing back and forth.

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Thankfully, on this site, we learn about many different things and plans which work for each family.
It is our job as parents to work in the best interest of the kids.

BTW - This weekend I met my X's girlfriend for the first time - they were out to dinner. She's been spending a great deal of time with my kids, and I was able to have a short cordial conversation with her. I was glad to finally meet her, and I told her that I knew she was nice by the way my children talk about her, and that they adored her girls (who are older).
Meeting her gave me peace of mind, and she said that my x has changed and is a regular Mr. Mom.


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