I was just plugging along fine here today. Nothing earth-shattering has happened. Kids are both home for a change. I was thinking it was time to figure out what to cook for dinner.

And my phone rings. It's Mom. I cringe and debate answering, because she calls me multiple times a day anymore, and generally just to ask how I am, or to ask if there is anything new, or to ask the question I've scolded her for more than once..."Have you heard anything lately from XH?"

She and Dad really did/do love him. And I know it's hurt her that we're not together. With us being together since I was 15 and him being there very frequently, he became sort of the son they never had. I know she is hoping we will somehow get back together, but reminding me all the time about him only hurts me. I've tried to tell her that nicely, but she even asked on Christmas if he perhaps came over and visited.

Uh...hello!! He's living with another woman. I don't think she'd allow it.

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So getting to the point of my post: She just called. Didn't have much to say, but what she said was enough....

"So, LL--this is your anniversary day, isn't it?"

I had forgotten until now because I really hadn't paid attention to the date. Today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. A few years ago we were planning on celebrating this one by using my frequent flyer miles and taking our first trip to Hawaii together.

Thanks for the reminder, Mom.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

Do you have caller id?

If so, boundaries. Just because mom calls doesn't mean you need to pick up the phone. If not, you might want it so you can use the information to decide if you are going to take a call or not.

You can't change them, but you can control how much contact you have.

HTH,

TB

(((((LL)))))

I'm sure your mom doesn't mean any harm. This will take awhile for everyone, huh? I haven't even told Fogman's family about anything yet. I avoided a call already. I don't even want to deal with it right now. My parents have never really liked WH, so this is no problem for them.

{{{{{{{{{{{{lordslady}}}}}}}}}}
Ohmygosh!! I'm so sorry. It was my stbxMIL, before the Alzheimer's completely took over, who always asked those kinds of questions. Like WAID? my family never liked WH that much.

It's still hard to be reminded of those kinds of "growing old together" (not that you're all that old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , that applies more to me!) plans in light of the current reality.

Yes, I do have Caller ID. That's why I hesitated even answering in the first place. But I did because a) it's rude not to talk to one's parents, b) my dad is in poor health and I'm always afraid not to answer for fear it will be a "bad" call, and c) my mom lives in a small town where there is zero to do and between Dad's Alzheimer's and his end-stage lung disease, I think she about goes nuts--she needs to talk to someone.

But I have GOT to impress on her that I get tired of her bringing up XH all the time. It's painful.

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And to add to this--I came in to work this morning to find a message on my phone from XH telling me that the check I'm getting back on my car repairs is his "happy anniversary" gift to me.

(Long story--took my car to the shop he works at a couple days ago after my son hit a curb because I trust them more than anyone else, because he's always done the work, and because I wanted him to do the work. Since I took it, he's called me twice to chat about trivial things.)

So it's been mentally rather taxing, because I really do still have feelings for him. I'm angry at what he did, but I don't hate him. I still pray for him frequently, that he'll get his life together, whether that be with or without me.

But I'm having issues because each time I think maybe I should consider getting out and meeting people (through an on line service or something), I feel like I'll be cheating on my XH--that commitment is still there, and probably always will be.

Just like when I took my car in--I thanked him for working on it, and he did some extra things that they didn't bill me for, because he knew the car needed it. And then this refund I'm getting is because he went to his office person and had them refigure the labor and also give me his discount on some of the parts. He wouldn't have had to do that.

I know this isn't healthy, but I'm sort of overanalyzing things right now.

LL


LL

I can understand.....it's hard to maintain a "friendly but distant" relationship with someone you used to be intimate with.

I understand about the mom thing too......when my mom was here at Thanksgiving she constantly pointed out how my new H is "more of a father than your father" and on and on......while it might be true, it's very hard on the kids as they only see the side of their dad that they want to, and they like my H alot too......trying to make them take sides isn't a good thing. She also constantly reminds me of my ex by bringing up things about him....always negative.....and in front of the kids......sigh........

Just like you did for your daughter, you need to set a clear boundary for you Mother where this is concerned.

Next time she asks: Have you heard anything lately from XH?"

LL:

No Mom, I haven't. We've both moved on, and he's living with another woman. Why don't you call him direct. Here's his number...
LL's MOM:

MOM:

Oh no, I don't want to bother him.

LL:

Then let it go.

MOM:

But...

LL:

Was there anything else Mom?

The trick here is first you have to set your boundary, then you have to maintain. Set your boundary with your mother. If she asks, throw the ball back into her court by offering her XH's number. Refuse to allow yourself to be engaged in any conversation about XH by effectively shutting down the conversation.

Good Luck!

Know what's funny here? My mom DOES have XH's land line # to the shop he works for and she's called him at least 2 times that I know of since Christmas. I think once she called to wish him a Merry Christmas and the other she called to ask him something about her car. She doesn't tell me this. She tells my sis, who tells me.

We used to joke (XH and I) years ago when she'd send us Bday cards. Several times she sent him more $ for his Bday than she sent me for mine. I know it wasn't intentional. She just doesn't keep track (and we're talking peanuts anyway because she has no real $), but we joked privately about her liking him more than she liked her own daughter.

And more than once I have told her "Mom, we're divorced. I rarely speak to him and if I do, it's about the kids or something. There's nothing to tell you. I'm sure if something changed, I'd let you know."

I guess I'll just have to keep repeating that until she gets it, and in the mean time not let it get to me when she asks. (And normally it doesn't--I just think her bringing up my anniversary really hit a nerve.)
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But then again, WHY did XH bring it up? My sis's opinion is that he he either sees us as buddies and just wanted to mention it, or he's darned proud of himself after 20 years for finally remembering it on his own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

((((((((LL)))))))))

My sympathies go out to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I have a similar problem with my parents, although it is not over STBXH.....

My parents have been trying to get me to move from TX to San Diego (where they live) for the past 8 years or so. Now that H and I are divorcing, they have really started to press the matter, and won't quit bringing it up. They think now is the perfect time, and that if I moved, all of my problems would be solved!

I really don't know how to deal with it either. So far, I have been giving the same answer every time. Yet it's almost like it goes in one ear and out the other.

I finally resigned to telling my mother that the topic bothered me, and I didn't want to talk about it again. I felt bad, but it was putting more pressure on me than I could handle. I told her that when and if I felt it was a good time to move, I would......

She wasn't happy, and it didn't stop all 'hints', but it did curtail it a bit. I told her I meant her no harm and I loved her - but that I just wasn't ready yet.

Good luck, LL. Just be honest with your mother, and let her know how you feel about it. I'm sure she doesn't mean harm, but if it is hurting you, you do need to set that boundary.

geez, i know the feeling, at one point, i asked my mom, "What don't you understand about my hatred for the XW?" she didn't answer. . .

she was aghast. . . of course, thought that i was insane. . .

but they slowly get the message. . . slowly, that's for sure. . .

wiftty