I’ve been coming to ‘In Recovery’ on this site for the best part of two years. Things have finally fallen apart here – my wife just couldn’t keep away from her boyfriend and now she’s ended up pregnant by him. She’s moving out to spend time with him, but in her own place. I really wanted to make things work, I tried my guts out, but now there’s no chance and, to be honest, her heart has never been in it.

You’d think after two years of crap from her, with her calling the shots throughout, I’d hate her, but my affection for her must still be partly there, or I wouldn’t feel so bad. Last night, I walked into our bedroom. My wife had been in the bath and I was subjected to the sight of my own wife (together 20 years), lying on the bed, preciously holding her swollen stomach which contains another man's child. Very, very upsetting. She reiterated that she's simply stopped loving me, and fallen in love with someone else.

I’m obviously feeling very low, and upset, worried about what’s about to come. It’s been two years of hell, I’m just worn out with it and I wonder if I will be able to hack it any more.
Will it rip my heart out every time I have to pick up our daughter from visiting her mum, or when I see the happy couple together?

Any words to make me feel a bit better would be most welcome.

KitMkII

I assume that you're in Plan-B. If not, take time to read about it again. Also; re-read Plan-A and decide where you want to be.

This is a tough time for you. As you know; most on here have been through similar situations and it's just never easy. I can share with you what is working for me; but I should let you know that I still have my tough days. I've also prepared myself to know that I will experience a few tough days for the rest of my life.

Positives shown in Bold .

First thing I had to do is recognize that I have/had responsibility in my marriage problems; but that I also did my absolute best with the information that I had I forgave myself and asked WXW to forgive me for my wrongs! . However; I had no responsibility in my WXW's choice to have an A. It took some time to process that information from my brain to my heart, but it does work that way.

Second: I re-read the Bible.

Third: I moved! It was not devastating financially for me to do this although it was a slight setback, but surrounding myself with a new (different) house made a huge difference in my moods, emotions and outlook.

Fourth: I reached out to friends & family.

This is a simplistic overview of what has worked for me. There are many, many details involved in each step, but those details will play out naturally. Basically I had to come to terms that my WXW made the choice not to love me anymore. I had no control or choice in the matter. Then I realized that I was going to be OK. (Knowing there would be tough days, but realizing that there would be more good days!) And the more time goes by; the more good days there are. So it's not something that happens overnight, but it does happen. You have to hang on to what you know is right and good and positive. And all the while-learn to push the negative thoughts out of your head when they fly in. (It's hard-I know. But continue trying to do it and eventually it will become second-nature.)

And spend as much quality time as you can with DD. She's hurting as well and this is a great time to re-dedicate your life to her. As the days, weeks, months go by; you'll begin seeing things more clearly and they will get better!

I'm sorry that two years of work did not save the marriage. I'm also very sorry that you are faced with an OC. I know it will get easier with time.

Since you've moved here from the Recovery board, as opposed to moving to Other Child, I'm guessing you've decided on divorce?

Either way, I suggest having no or limited contact with your wife. How old is your daughter? Will the daughter be living with you? I'd go for that, if I were you.

I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

Oh, even if you aren't thinking divorce you might want to check with a lawyer and who's child OC will be legally. It varies from state to state.

With that thought, I'm sending even more hugs.

Dear Kit,

My heart goes out to you.

I know that feeling of putting your whole heart into it just to have your efforts discarded.

I put in several years of that myself and it hurts like hell. You're not alone.

Although in no way am I saying that I know what it's like for your spouse to carry someone else's child!
You have such grace to be able to still live with her.
Although I know how hard it is to let go. My hubby moved out 3 weeks after I gave birth to our first child and 2 weeks before our 12th wedding anniversary. ~ And you know even after he moved in with his OW I would've still taken him back in.

Just because they greatly wrong you doesn't mean that your feelings suddenly shut off. So it's understandable that you don't hate her. (It's a blessing that you don't have to grapple with hate right now too. You've got enough on your plate.)

Although I've found through this many emotions still really surfacing. Working out at the YMCA seems to help let off some steam. Sometimes I don't even realize that the anger is right there until after the workout and I feel some relief.

If you can, I suggest some form of physical activity to blow off some steam, even if you don't think it's there.
Get plugged into a church. Spend a lot of time with your daughter letting her express her feelings as well if she's comfortable sharing them with you.

(If she's not - it may be that she's too close and needs to talk with someone outside of the situation about how she feels. It won't be because she doesn't love you enough to share or anything like that.)

And for goodness sake, get the heck out of that house and spend time with friends.

I'm wishing you all the best Kit ~ and Kudos to you for sticking in there as long as you have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ Tess

Thanks you so much for the kind and encouraging words from all above, and for the virtual hugs. The amount that I’ve longed for a real proper loving hug from my wife over the last two years is almost indescribable. That obviously isn’t going to come.

I still believe that my wife’s feelings for OM are confused – she’s using him as a solution to the unhappiness she feel about our daughter’s problems (she just can’t handle it), but we are both agreed that divorce is the best way forward. After two years of being told how I’m not loved and OM is, I have no option. I think if I were to take my wife back now , then I would loose the respect of most of those who no me – they reckon I have no choice.

My daughter will be living with me, although my wife wants her to spend lots of time with her as well – she has visions of them all being one big happy family. I think my daughter, (who has asperger's) will struggle with the whole thing, including the arrival of a new child.

I know that anger and hate are negative things, but sometimes wonder if they might be preferable, to the venerable feeling you have, when you still depend on a person emotionally, and it hurts to let them go. I will lean on my friends and relatives, and try you dilute the whole situation by introducing other activities into my life. I need to build myself up so I’m an independent person, who doesn’t need anyone else to make me feel happy, although it seems like such a ambitious goal at the moment though. I suppose things are made a bit worse, by the fact that I work from home, and spend much of my time alone, but this will allow me to look after our daughter, picking her ups from school etc.

I’ll call in from time to time.

"The amount that I’ve longed for a real proper loving hug from my wife over the last two years is almost indescribable."

Those words just struck a chord with me. I feel it too. My world is falling apart too and the one person that I always turned to when things were going awry, isn't here anymore. He's gone.

If I face the cold hard truth, I know he has been gone for a very long time but still my heart aches for him.

I'm sorry, Kit. I understand. I really do.

I went through a similar situation except that my ex wife was just alittle to old to have a child. Otherwise, there is no doubt in my mind that she and the OM would have had one while she was still married to me. There is a reason why infidelity is called the most selfish and cruel thing one person can do to another.

I can assure you that there are many, many fine people out there. Many wonderful women who will treat you well, love you, and be happy to be with you.

Set some boundries. I would get her out of the house and away from you and your child ASAP. Then Plan B. Most important stop letting her pull your strings. Get a plan, take control. You must do what is best for you and your child.