MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT.
My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs. He cheated on me 2 yrs ago with a co worker of his. It was about a year relationship before I found out. I kicked him out and filed for divorce. Before the divorce was final, since we already had 2 kids and I really loved him, I let him come back home with NO guarentees, and NO promises things would work. I caught him again with the girl 2 months later, and still let him stay. Things were not good at home, but then I came up pregnate, so we stayed together. I felt very neglected throughout the nine months, didn't sleep in the same bed with my husband until about 2 months ago. The baby is here now. About 6 months ago I went on a chat line to meet people, I knew it was wrong, but I needed to meet someone to make me feel like a woman again,,,I feel I have to beg my husband for sex. I take out the trash, I do all the "man" things around the house and actually all he does is lay on the couch. Back to the chat line, I met someone...he is wonderful to me, gives me all the attention I want and more. Says he will help me raise my children, wants to give me what I deserve. I was going to divorce my husband before I met this other man, but now I feel if I get a divorce it will be for the other man. The lover is head over heels he really is a great guy...my problem is I am tired of sneaking around. I need to get a divorce or stop seeing the lover. I am scared to get divorced, at the same time I think I could really be in love with the other. I have 3 small children...but the love I have for my husband seems to be dead. I care about him because he is the father of my kids, but I am not in love with him....again, I am scared and confused! What do I do!!!!!!!

Marriage builders is not the place to convince yourself an affair is right.

I knwo that is i not right. It is so wrong, and goes against everything I was brought up to be. I think part of it was being neglected so much for so long and part of it was revenge. I am not here to get an "ok" from the crowd, I am here to get opinions on what to do!

D and C:

You don't feel love for your H (husband) because you are having an A (affair). Your lack of love for him has nothing 2 do with him at all.

You should read the articles on the home page. Your si2ation is far from unique, sad 2 say. But there is help, IF you are interested in getting help.

As for the OM (other man), I like what Dr Phil says in si2ations like this: "before you can have another relationship, you need 2 finish this one." But you also need 2 know that if you leave your H for the OM, you have no better than a 3% chance of being with him in 5 years time. He can NEVER replace your kids' father.

But you need 2 also realize a few basic facts here:

♣ the OM is NOT a "great guy", he is a liar and a cheat, having an A with a married woman. If he really cared about you, the last thing he would do is interfere with your family.

♣ regarding "I need 2 get a DV (divorce) or stop seeing the lover": You definitely need 2 stop seeing the so-called "lover" no matter what happens 2 your M (marriage). Your M may be recoverable, but NOT before you end contact of every kind with the OM for the rest of your life AND tell your H about your A.

Again, read the articles on the home page about what you should do. You CAN restore your love for your H (and he can restore his love for you), but not without complete disclosure on both your parts. You have 2 dedicate yourself 2 fixing your M problems, rather than go elsewhere for temporary "fixes." The passion you feel for the OM will be at least as fleeting as it was for your H, probably more so because he sought you out 2 have an inappropriate relationship in the first place.

best,
-ol' 2long

I'm going to quote 2long quoting Dr. Phil, "Before you can have another relationship, you need 2 finish this one."

Listen to 2long, he knows of what he speaks. Read as much as you can on this website. It will hopefully enlighten you a bit. You will not be able to regrow your love for or even begin to feel close to your H again while another man is in the way.

Jen

Stop seeing this man and get into MC with your H. Your needs are not being met and that is why you are going out of the marriage. Nothing you say can make this situation right.

Tell the OM that you need to work on yourself and marriage before you could ever consider another relationship. If you really want to tell him you'll call him in three years. My bet is you won't want to call at that point.

How will you be able to look at your kids if you do not give 100% to your H right now. You need to bend over backwards to make this marriage work for them. If it fails in the end, then there is nothing more to do. BUT-you need to try and the first step is to go no contact with the OM.

My H and I are four years out from his affair. Our marriage has never been better, but it took work from both of us and no other people involved. Your H may be depressed.

Step one-no contact with OM
Step two-read everything here-you were never in recovery, so the process starts here
Step three-everytime you feel yourself slip-look at that baby. HOW COULD YOU BRING ANOTHER CHILD INTO THIS!!!!! YOU OWE IT TO THE THREE KIDS!!! sorry to yell, but I feel passion for the poor kids. They need THEIR mom and THEIR dad-not a sub and a weedend dad.

Step four-recover, have a marriage you never dreamed possible, fall in love with your H again and he with you. Grow old together and share grandkids, look back and realize how silly you were to even consider someone else.

OR you try everything. You go to IC for two years, then you consider dating when your kids have fully grown because they do not deserve sharing mom with her new BF. The kids need to be first, anything else is selfish.

Sorry to be harsh-JMHO-Jersey Girls are straight shooters that say it like it is. Two wrongs don't make a right. By the way, you need to tell him (your H) and he might make the decision for you.

Thank all of you so much for your opinions. However, do not forget, My husbaned had an affair for a year with a co worker before I even knew, and, when I did take him back we went to counseling and he was seeing her while we were going to Counseling, I caught them together.
I know two wrongs don't make a right, what I have done is wrong and I do feel shame and guilt about it. I have ended it with the other man a few days ago, and he hasn't called which is good! I went to my first counseling session yesterday, it is Christian based, and it went well..he told me God has kept me at my home for this long for a reason.
and for the last gal that responded to me from Jersy. I know your right! Thank you so much for your words, they weren't harsh..it's the truth! And yes, all I do is think about my kids, they are EVERYTHING to me, I think that is why I have stayed. My third child was not planned, she just happened and I feel like that is why my husband and I are still together. But hopefully things will get better and better....Thanks to al of you again!

D&C:

I'm glad you came back and posted. I would urge you not 2 just disappear, thinking that everything will be fine now that you're in counseling and you've "ended" your A. A few days is nothing. you've got a long hard road ahead of you. But you CAN make it.

You're right, 2 wrongs don't make a right (but 3 lefts do). What your H did 2 you is a separate issue - completely. It just makes recovery all that more difficult, because both of you are WSs (wayward spouses).

I would urge you 2 keep reading and posting here. There are a number of couples that are in a si2ation similar 2 yours - with both of them having had As of their own.

Just know that there is help out there.

-ol' 2long

Thanks 2Long! And I will keep returning!
See ya!

This cannot be long as I have to leave...

Here's my .02. You cannot blame somebody else and habor resentment to them when you are doing the same thing.

An eye for an eye doesn't work. It darkens your soul.

You are here, at the right place, MB. You can learn alot here. But you need to end the affair. Withdrawal wil be heck, but you can do it. Your kids deserve an intact family. My little precious son does not have one anymore.

Quickly, get thee over to the general questions board. Most of us have already divorced or are doing it here.

You can save your marriage. It can work. Get the right info, right tools, and today, delete om from you cell phone, block his emails on your computer, change your home number...end it respectfully but be short. End it today so your family can survive.

This time, the outcome primarily hinges on what YOU do...not what the h does not do. You gotta take the first step girl.

Revenge is funny. Used to think about it before I filed. But it would do no one any good. It would have imho, cheapened me and my stance in life. It would have not been anything I would want the world to know about. What kind of life is living in secrets, lies, and shadows? An affair is a half life at best. And stats show it WILL NOT SURVIVE EVEN IF YOU RUN AWAY INTO FOGLAND WITH YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER.

Love and healing my friend.

Thanks so much "just peachy", your words as well as others have helped me realize I could loose everything that is important to me in life. I have stopped seeing the "other", yet your right it is a little hard, but there has been NO communication what so ever with him. But now,how do I get "it back" for my husband? The intimacy??????? I feel like he does not find me attractive, that's alot of the reason the affair happened. One of the main reasons.
Thanks again for your replies!!!!! It is helping me ALOT!

I am pretty mcuh in your shoes my husband cheated and I just was not getting the affection I needed from him, so I found it somewhere else. we are back togather trying to work it out, and now he gives me all the affection, but I dont want it. he makes me sick when he touch me. I am looking for the some answer,and all I can offer to you at this time is to pray!!!

lovelyk, we have alot in common then. I feel the same, and I just want things to be back the way they were before his affair, however I know that is NOT reality...but what to do???????? I feel the same as you and as much as I want the whole love, sex, affection,,,,I don't know how or where to start this process!!!!! Since the other man is out of the picture now, I feel alone, and that's why MY affair happened. I WILL NOT do that again though, too much drama, and headache, and lies!!!!! I know I need to get it together for myself, my kids and my husband. Let me know if you get any good advice about this! (getting it back w/ the husband)..Thanks so much!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dead and Confused:
<strong> I want the whole love, sex, affection </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised. Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair at that time, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to."....My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. "
M. Scott Peck, "The Road Less Traveled" p.119