I will try and keep this as short as possible. It's a long, complicated story so I guess I will start at the beginning.

I found out my H was having an affair on February 14th, 2003. It was short-lived and once it was discovered, he ended contact with the OW and we decided to reconcile. Trouble was, he didn't want to do the work needed to do that and he became emotionally abusive. He threw me just enough crumbs of attention to keep me with him(Ugh, that sounds pathetic, doesn't it? The truth nonetheless).

I did go to IC during that time period and as well, we tried 2 different MC's. My H refused to go to anymore MC appointments and so we stopped.

I hung in there because I loved him and sadly, because I believed that I deserved this. As time passed, I became less of a doormat and began standing up for myself. He continued to take part in destructive behaviour. Eventhough I defintely didn't feel like our marriage had healed(how could it?), I did feel that I had healed. I rarely had triggers and I felt like I had a good grip on the pain from his affair.

Fast forward to about a month ago. I was playing with a Google desktop program that I had downloaded(it searches for things on your harddrive) and I can't recall what I looked for but it brought up chat logs between my H and his bestfriend. The conversation between them was about cocaine and how much they were snorting. I was heartbroken and once again, felt very betrayed. He tried to gaslight me by telling me he had only tried it twice but I have since found out it was more extensive than that. I asked him to leave for the time being and demanded that he have drug testing before seeing the kids. For the record, he told me that if I told ANYONE, he would kill himself so I told noone.

Fast forward again to two nights ago. Phone calls were exchanged between the two of us. He said some things that were really hurtful. I couldn't take it anymore and called my mom and spilled the whole story. She already had heard about the drug use but hadn't believed it. She also shared some gossip she had heard that my H was sleeping with this girl and I decided to confront him. From there, I learned about 3 more affairs(one of which the girl not only slept with my H but with my niece as well). He also told me that he had never loved me, that sex with me was pity sex, and that I was self-centered for not considering his feelings(because he is so hurt right now and all). Said that this was just something that the kids and I would have to get over.

He did call a couple of mornings ago and said that he would make sure I had money but left a message on my machine today saying that he was NOT doing so. I did not take his call or call him.

My friends all rallied around me today. I had to share the whole sordid story and stop my male friends from killing him. My best friends H and some other male friends went to the place my H is living and made him return my housekeys.

I am scared of what he might do while he is on drugs. I am scared that he may hurt me. I am scared that he may attempt to take the kids and because he is has had no priors, there is nothing I can do about it until I get a court date. I am scared that he may kill himself.

I can't even explain the pain I feel right now. I am in touch with the Crisis Unit every three hours because they insisted. It's just so overwhelming and I don't know what to do.

Sorry this was so long.