Background: FWH had E and PA back Spring 2003, been in active recovery, one little bump where he was question whether we were "meant to be" and maybe he is so depressed cause he is not happy being married to me. That resolved, it passed, life has been ok. Not perfect, but ok. Now this:
...it has started all over again and I am not sure what to do, I am holding on by a thread and it is getting thinner and thinner. Let me back up a little, so you can have a full view:
FWH has been suffering hip pain for more than three months. The last month has been the worst. We finally got an MRI and found out it is coming from a bulging, herniated disc in his lower back. He has been on various pain medications and muscle realxers for the last month. He has also been very labile. Grumpy, moody, broody, then more himself, a little more interactive, etc. Lately he has been going to work, calling grumpy cause he is in pain and than coming home and sleeping. We haven't been intimate since our anniversary back on Dec 8th. He is mostly withdrawn from life. The kids see it, I see it, but I attributed it to the pain and meds.
Yesterday we went to the mall to pick up his contact lenses. He was moody, couldn't stand up, wanted to go back to his office, etc. OK, I get it, he's hurting, trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt! He didn't say a word to me all the way back to his office. I dropped him off, the kids and I were gonna try and accomplish other stuff but it really was eating at me, so I went back to his office. I walked in and told him I was "done", meaning, "I know you are hurting and stuff, but I don't like the way things are going". I have told him more than once I "missed" him over the last few weeks. We haven't been connecting, we haven't been "together". I missed my husband, I missed our time, I missed him.
Well he looks right at me and says "I'm done too". He wants to separate, he wants a divorce!!! I am so angry and hurt and sad I don't know what to do. He is on meds, has been in a lot of pain and been very down, but I never imagined he was this upset. It is so out of the blue, like a slap in the face. I don't know whether to be mad or sad, or flat-out psychotic. Honestly I have felt all of the above in the last 24 hours. I made him (yes, made him!) come home with me so we could talk about it all. He goes back and forth. He says he hasn't been happy "in years" but when I confront him on it he says it has been off and on. I told him "welcome to life"! He says he isn't attracted to me, I have gained weight and this is so important to him. I have gained alot of weight cause I have had zero time to myself. I have been wearing myself out taking care of him, the house, the kids, the bills, my job. Exactly when do I have time to work out or try and eat sensibly. Talk about a slap in the face!! None of this makes sense to me at all. I look at him and I hear the words, and I have no idea where it is coming from.
He needed time to "think" and left the house for a long while. The kids kept asking me what was wrong and if Daddy was coming home. It ripped me apart inside. After a few hours I tried to call him just to make sure he was ok, he wouldn't answer and turned off his phone. He finally called and said he was coming home. He had apparently gone and had a couple of beers someplace and then come back home. We talked briefly and he laid down and went to sleep. I was furious!!! Absolutely, nutty, sobbing and wanting to hurt him sort of furious. He awoke this morning so I obviously let him live, but our conversations were brief. He cannot tell me what he wants, he can't tell me what he feels, he can't tell me anything! Excuse me?! I want a divorce, but hey, let's put it on hold til I fell a little better and see?!!!
He is supposed to have a nerve injection tomorrow, seems to think it is his magic bullet that is going to make him fell all better. He says he is "willing to consider" that the pain and medications are what is making him feel this way, "but I don't think it is"!!!! [censored]!! He is obviously very depressed although he swears he is not. He isn't sleeping well and not eating right. He is flat and blue, not interacting at all with the kids, the house. It is ridiculous. I am just wiped out and do not know if I can do this anymore.
