I will try to keep this short. I had jury duty all last week (medical malpractice suit). During this time I simply ignored all of my own problems and did my duty to my country. I came back to my life to find that I had forgotten where I was. I was shocked all over again to realize that she really is divorcing me. I really cant say what I did next but after the total collapse I did do *something* that could have ended it all for me and I wish it had. I give up! On the day of my wedding I took a vow "till death do us part" I repeated it and meant it. I am so sick of this. All I wanted was a nice peaceful life for once. She just had to have that "affair" though. She still denies that it was an affair because she did not have any physical contact with them. What is she thinking! Sex is one thing but love is another! SHE LOVED THEM NOT ME! She just had sex with me nothing more. I just don't want to be in love with her but away from her anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You are definitely having a tough night, it sounds like!

Okay, from a woman's point of view. Though I can't say this is true for ALL women, we in general tend to have sex BECAUSE we love someone, not just for the sex itself. Don't be making yourself miserable thinking she never loved you. She's just really screwed up at this point.

Second, I'm not sure how you believe or don't believe spiritually, so may be risking trouble here but I do not believe we are promised a peaceful life, no matter how good or bad we are. God tells us that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. We will have problems and troubles just like everyone else. It's all about what we do when they come.

Third, and most importantly, I don't know what the *something* was that you did, but if you did anything that could have seriously harmed you or ended your life, and if you are contemplating it again, PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! You have family and friends who would be devastated. Your wife's actions are not worth that!!!

(Look at me--I truly thought I'd die if my husband left me. We'd been married for 19 years when he left me for OW. And we're now DV. Yes, it's been a VERY difficult year!! But I'm still alive, and the pain is much less than it was last year at this time.)

Please focus hard on the things you do still have in your life.

LL

I have many bills, and nobody left to talk to. I know that I am valuable but the world no longer needs me. Sorry I am kinda drunk again. Your religious thoughts are not offensive to me at all I welcome any voice of sanity at this time. I truly do lover her and I do not want it to be over ever. I did not have the affair here! I never would have had an affair. She is the one who had the affair, she is the one who then asked for a divorce. She has hurt me in two ways that I never thought she would hurt me. I have never done ant less than my best for her but nothing was good enough. I do not want to see the day that she gets involved with one of her other men. All I want is peace in my life for once. All I want is calm and silence. I have fought hard enough for long enough. I gave up my childhood to fight for my life against siblings and parents. All I ever wanted was peace after all of that. I give up.

I refuse to believe no one needs you. I"m sorry it sounds like you've had a rough life. But you're so young yet. You have your whole life ahead of you---many chances at peaceful moments (not necessarily a lifetime of peace), with her or without her.

Another thing: alcohol is a depressant. You are already very depressed from your situation (and rightfully so--it's very easy to get depressed going through the stuff we're going through). You should maybe get some sleep and lay low on the alcohol for a while. It may sort of numb things temporarily but you'll end up only feeling worse in the end.

LL

I wish I could say that I felt better after getting some sleep but I don't. I just want this to all be over as soon as possible. First she has the affairs, then she lies about them, finally she asks for a divorce! How many more ways cand this woman hurt me? How can she keep a straight face through this? I do not want to live to see the day that Mark or Eric get their chance with her. I no longer care about their privacy because they had a part in it too. Eric was the worst though. I never stood a chance against him. He would go to work dump his problems on MY wife then she would come home and be too tired to deal with our problems. He had a part in ending this marriage, and for that I wish he would die. He had no right to come between us like that. In the end I guess I lost. The only thing I can do now is honor my vows. If she wants to be away from me forever that can be arranged. May,25 2001 On that date she lied to me, On that same date I took certain vows. I intend to follow them.

You know, if you don't mind religious advice, here's some that may help set you free from your vow to her... the Bible makes it clear that you are free to let her go. You have no obligation to your vow if she breaks it and refuses to live morally.

I've (42 now) been watching my husband (47) have an affair with a younger woman (38) for two years now. I confronted him when I sensed it was going to happen and he denied it. Then I found evidence, and he denied that. Then I confronted him coming from her apartment and he continued to deny it. Then I confronted both of them and he finally started admitting a relationship, although he was adamant it wasn't an 'affair', the excuse he used was it's not an affair if your marriage is dead. Yes, this drives a person crazy as Dr. Harley clearly states in his book - the worst thing to do to a betrayed spouse is to continue to lie about it, because it makes them think they're going crazy (I sympathize deeply with you). While I was finding evidence I began all of Dr. Harley's advice and a few other people's advice and really drove him nuts, because it confounded him that I could have a hugely positive affect - but he kept following. That was spring of 2003. He was begging me not to divorce him after a little Plan B (no contact) by Thanksgiving of that year. Now it's Jan. 2005 and he's still seeing her. He's been lying all of 2004, while I can see his attempts at breaking from her, he just can't do it. She moved into an apartment between his work and our home and is perfectly available all the time. She'll never go away because she's 38 and skipped over a few times - will do anything for a man. Believe it or not, she still lives with her ex-boyfriend as roommates- funny though, apparently this guy is unemployed much of the time and she keeps footing the bill. See what I mean? She'll never go away. She has no boundaries and she's getting old.

Anyway, he's an un-admitted porn addict and is financially destructive, so he's found the woman of his dreams - someone who will be his mommy. I always sensed he wanted me to handle all the things in our home the same as his stay-at-home mom had growing up, but he kept depleting our finances so badly I've had to maintain a full-time career to make sure needs were being met (and he wonders why the marriage was dead) and I can't do it all. She idealizes him and will never go away, so I've had to do a lot of serious searching for answers as to how not to disappoint God by breaking my vow 'til death do us part'. I meant it when I said it too.

The truth is, God doesn't expect you to stay in a marriage where the 'unbeliever' will not live a moral life and if your spouse is an unbeliever he wants you to let the spouse go if they don't want to stay. You see? God knows the depth of our anguish in this situation. There are some beautiful love stories in the Bible about staying even when your spouse has gone astray, but those were different times and in this country with the demands on our lives to keep a roof over our heads and tow the line at work and such, we don't have the luxury of hanging out at the homestead we were born on to grow grapes and tend sheep to keep us whole while our hearts are being ripped out.

You are so young. I and the other responder have been married umpteen years and are probably both in our 40's or so and it's different, especially for women at this age to find another love. But you have so many choices being young and you seem like a person of integrity - you are rare in this awful world and I can tell you there are women out there who are dying to find someone with your integrity. Don't give up.

You know what I do to lift my spirits? I meet people through dating sites and I make sure they know my beliefs about vows and such and the importance of meeting each others needs in relationships before I bother going further - the part that lifts me up is seeing those matches pop up every couple of days - it reminds me there really are people for me out there.

Find something that picks you up and go talk to someone who will support you and your feelings and you will find the cloud will lift enough to give you a sense of hope. And be grateful you don't have children - it kills you to look into those beautiful faces and see your spouse. Your hell could be worse. Just talk to someone.

I will also tell you that I have had five people in my life commit suicide. It is not an answer. My father, aunt, cousin, brother-in-law, and a close friend of the family all did and left behind a trail of misery for their loved ones. Do you really want your ex-wife to have that much an effect on all those people you'd leave behind in utter sadness? They love you. Don't hurt yourself. Find something to keep yourself busy. Your mind may still race, but you will find periods of rest for your heart that way. You will get through this. Keep saying that to yourself, okay? It works.

Something else that helps... For years I've immersed myself in scripture. It is so comforting and you find that over time it builds you up so that even when you're in pain little thoughts come to mind that lift you up too. I've been dealing with an irresponsible mate for so long now I never realized how strong I've gotten, but I'm so glad now that I did this, now knowing he was to betray me after all those hard years of investment. I put myself through college because of his irresponsibility and unhappiness in his work and subsequent periods of unemployment and for that I got traded in for a younger (albeit not as attractive) woman. I feel like the proverbial Professional who is put through college by his loving and sacrificing wife whom he dumps as soon as he gets on his feet. A real taker.

It sounds like your wife is a taker too, to be so young and already so 'wayward'. She doesn't even know who she is and she's following the path of good feelings through life - I like to call it the path of least resistance life. She will someday look back at her trail of destruction and will hate herself. And she will be old and won't have the kind of power anymore that youth gives. What goes around comes around. God doesn't ignore the hurts, we just don't always get to witness in our own desired time the justice he will measure out to those who hurt us.

with love

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wish I could say that I felt better after getting some sleep but I don't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True--a switch isn't going to just "flip" and you feel better. But you made it into another day, and that's an accomplishment. Focus on the little things.

hm3456 had some excellent advice about scripture. I try not to beat people over the head with it (at least until I know a little about them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) but it has been a lifesaver for me. About this time last year I was going absolutely nuts--didn't think I would physically or mentally survive the pain. But even when I couldn't focus on anything else, I'd find a passage of scripture and just keep reading it. If nothing else, as long as I was reading, I was unable to dwell on other things, and I was filling my mind with good things, too.

As for who lost--if your wife leaves you, it's she who is losing. She is losing her husband, her reputation, her integrity...everything.

Please listen to hm's advice about suicide not being the answer. You may not see how important you are to others, but I'll guarantee you would hurt people who don't deserve the hurt. And it's not what God wants for you.

It seems right now like the pain will never end, but it really will be better. It just takes time. Please believe me. I didn't believe others when they told me that either, but they were right.

Sure, I still have lonely days, and I'm very thankful for my two dogs who keep me company in my bed at night. I'm scared to date again, and like the hm3456 said, we're much older than you. It's harder for me to find someone, so I have some additional fears. And I have very strong beliefs and won't settle for someone who doesn't share them.

But even with all that, I'm not ready to give up on life. I thought I was last year, but time does make it better.

Please give it time.

LL

Hey Confused,

How are you doing?

Well guys I am back finally. I flipped out at work and was brought to the emergency room. Afew hours later I was in the mental hospital. I am recovering now and am going way out of town for a while.I will keep everybody posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Confused,

Take care of yourself.

Your gonna get through this and be a better person for it.

Best Wishes

WIWH

ConfusedInWVa - I know it's not Christmas and all that, but I know you remember 'It's A Wonderful Life' what George Bailey tried to do.. and how the Guardian Angel showed him what the world would have been like without him.. think about it - you have had much more of a profound influence on a lot more folks than you realize!
Please don't throw it all away!
SDLOM

!! Bump 2 the top. Anyone know if ConfusedInWVA is doing OK or not?
Prayers for this gentleman, OK?
Peace,
SDLOM

hey confused i am 27 wife is 23. she told me she wants a divorce.that was back in oct. she still hasnt filed and we are legally married still. I know how you feel. I want to be with her so much and work stuff out cause i do lover her.I am at the point of i cant take this anymore why has she not moved for the divorce , why did she all of a sudden start looking through my mail. i just ask god to let this end if its going to end. I cant take being in love with her anymore. i am in the same boat but i have a little boy to take care of and he needs me in his life . so hang in there i am in the same spot as you

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: s350sxx ]</small>