BS’s:

What makes you stay? What made you go? In the months that I’ve been on this board, I’ve seen both the capriciousness of WS’s, the tenacity of BS’s and the utter confusion that envelops them both. Some BS’s stand by their M’s even through the reality of divorce. Others jump ship almost immediately after D-day.

Why? If you read here, you know that eventually most most M's are salvagable-even after A's (so why quit?) Also you know of the immense effort it takes to Plan A/B someone who’s obsessed with OP’s and addicted to lies. (so why stay?)

What drives/drove you decision?

Simple. I mistook my xh being in the fog for literally going off his rocker. I wanted to support him b/c he couldn't possibly be really doing these things were he sane...so I gave things one year...even after d day. I filed the third time shortly after new years.

What made me want to stay? Seeing the irratic behaviors, the uncontrolled fits, the absolute insanity brought out the "caregiver" in me (am in medical field) and made me want to help him save himself from himself. Plus I loved the man I married, not that baffoon, and my son deserved an intact family.

What made me decide to leave? His lies and continued behaviors with multiple (one primarily though) ow escalate, his abusive treatment in the end to me (took several punches and a nasty fall down a flight of stairs), his taking my son to disneyworld after lying and saying it was a boys' trip, his coming home and the hell of his perceived only three day withdrawal from OW which sent him into an abusive downward spiral and then the final straw...me driving myself to ER with multiple bruises, an arm that was possibly fractured, and a bp of 200/104 and an almost non stop panic attack after his abuse. Again, I did not file any charges at that time. I really thought he was wacko. But I knew I had to leave and take my son. I left. Packed up that same day and went home. He had literally drove me insane while I was riding that rollercoaster too. When I left, was when my life began to become somewhat normal. I could literally breathe again. I didn't have to carry his burdens anymore. And the year I spent trying to save the marriage was indeed hell...but I have peace of mind knowing that while I couldn't save my family as i know it, I saved myself.

My x is beyond help imho. He ended up six mons. later breaking into my home, but is wealthy and can lie and buy his way outta jail...he only did one night in the county jail. Remarried the preggers second ow (not the one he really wanted) 3 days after our divorce and became a dad again last march...named child same name I picked out for my son (had he been a girl) and in a wierd twist of fate, oc was almost born on my birthday.

He still wonders sometimes why I cannot be his friend.

You left too, dl, and made the right choice. There comes a time when you have to save yourself. Even an old medical quote about it. "physician heal thyself"...I think. I swear, he almost brought me down with him. Almost. Unlike the Titanic, I was going to remain unsinkable. Guess I am a b

Simple. I mistook my xh being in the fog for literally going off his rocker. I wanted to support him b/c he couldn't possibly be really doing these things were he sane...so I gave things one year...even after d day. I filed the third time shortly after new years.

What made me want to stay? Seeing the irratic behaviors, the uncontrolled fits, the absolute insanity brought out the "caregiver" in me (am in medical field) and made me want to help him save himself from himself. Plus I loved the man I married, not that baffoon, and my son deserved an intact family.

What made me decide to leave? His lies and continued behaviors with multiple (one primarily though) ow escalate, his abusive treatment in the end to me (took several punches and a nasty fall down a flight of stairs), his taking my son to disneyworld after lying and saying it was a boys' trip, his coming home and the hell of his perceived only three day withdrawal from OW which sent him into an abusive downward spiral and then the final straw...me driving myself to ER with multiple bruises, an arm that was possibly fractured, and a bp of 200/104 and an almost non stop panic attack after his abuse. Again, I did not file any charges at that time. I really thought he was wacko. But I knew I had to leave and take my son. I left. Packed up that same day and went home. He had literally drove me insane while I was riding that rollercoaster too. When I left, was when my life began to become somewhat normal. I could literally breathe again. I didn't have to carry his burdens anymore. And the year I spent trying to save the marriage was indeed hell...but I have peace of mind knowing that while I couldn't save my family as i know it, I saved myself.

My x is beyond help imho. He ended up six mons. later breaking into my home, but is wealthy and can lie and buy his way outta jail...he only did one night in the county jail. Remarried the preggers second ow (not the one he really wanted) 3 days after our divorce and became a dad again last march...named child same name I picked out for my son (had he been a girl) and in a wierd twist of fate, oc was almost born on my birthday.

He still wonders sometimes why I cannot be his friend.

You left too, dl, and made the right choice. There comes a time when you have to save yourself. Even an old medical quote about it. "physician heal thyself"...I think. I swear, he almost brought me down with him. Almost. Unlike the Titanic, I was going to remain unsinkable. Guess I am a bit stubborn and have a darn good survival instinct b/c I should have fallen on my face many many times since. Even my old counselor said that she could NOT believe I was sane after coming out of this horrible marriage...or whatever you want to call it. In going thru the whole plan A/B thing, I almost lost it. I am not one who would be good for plan A at all. Nearly drove me insane. I swear, I almost had a breakdown. I think there needs to be an alternative to a plan A for people like me. If I knew now what I didn't know then, I would have filed and jumped to B, given him six months (divorce took way longer than that) and if he had come around, could have stopped process. In my case, A enabled him more. Even by following all the details.

d-

what did it for me was the unballanced nature of the marriage itself... WS stopped (for a long time) and no longer wanted to fulfill my emotional needs and would not even tell me what hers were... she said she had no priorities in life... her deal was to just get by, day to day... no planning or forward looking... she did not want to work on M or learn about concepts or council... nothing... her communication skills were nonexistent and she knew/knows it and doesn't care... she didn't even do any housework or share in any of the M responsibilities... she was selfish, selfish, selfish... pure taker (i realized i enabled her) so i did everything, all of it, breadwinnerhousewifezookeeperhusband(and wife to myself, i guess) for years (and even after she left-she did nothing)... and she rewards me by leaving me for another man... moved right in... he actually helped her move out of the M house!... so... i tried for months (planA/PlanB)...and then try and get her her to go to MC (she stood me up on the first session) or IC or anything... nothing... zero luck... she seemed very happy with OM... so i let her go... i gained clarity at that point realizing that there wasn't really a marriage to go back to... and after all of the hurt i had already forgiven her for... i never want to have to forgive her for anything ever again... imho, i, and all of us BSs, deserve better... and being alone and married while your WS is living w/OP... well, i have been around here long enough to know i am not alone there... not fun times... how does it go... sacrafice breeds resentment?

she did 'seemingly' try to see if she could come back... but it was 14 months after she left and it just turned out to be fence sitting/cake eating... she was no longer happy with OM... they had been fighting for awhile... (and this was my camels straw) she told me about all of the problems that she was having in her 'new' relationship... and guess what... they were the same problems that were in our M and some new ones as well... her aproach to solving them with the OM was exactly the same... no communications and look for the nearest (safest) door... still a 'taker'... i let her know what would need to be done if we were to be successful at even attempting reconcilliation... no contact w/OM, move out from OM (she is on lease), quit her job (OM is coworker), ect... she said that was way too much work and she would not sacrafice all that (she would still be friends and coworker w/OM)... so that is why i gave up... we haven't spoken in two months... and i don't miss her either... i hope she doesn't even show at D hearing... (vent-thanx)... but i hope things work out for her... i will always love the W i married... just never the WS...

be well

samm

I'm staying at the moment and have stayed so far mostly because of my children. I want to do everything possible to try to salvage the M for their sake. They don't deserve D and I so do not want to put them through it if I can help it.

All that being said, I'm close to throwing in the towel. Why? WH keeps lying to me about OW. He doesn't know I'm aware of her and keeps contacting her. He is close to the breaking point so I'm hoping he might come around, but time is running out for him.

What would make me stay? If he came clean about current A and agreed to a list of "terms" I've thought of. What would make me go? He attitude when he's confronted.

...just to let you know, we don't have any children... if i/we did, i know things would be much different and much more difficult... my heart goes out to all of you out there who have children involved in all this... God Bless...

samm

I'm having a really hard time reconciling where my heart should be.

Like SAMM, I'm married and my husband has been living with the OW since Sept 14th when he left us.
(Us being me and our 3 week old son at the time)

Actually he had taken off for 24hrs. the day before so he apparantly spent the night with her on the 13th.

Being that it's only been 4 months and it was a bomb drop when he left I still love him deeply.
I would reconcile if he agreed to go to counseling and not have ANY contact EVER again with his ugly fat girlfriend.

He would also have to court me somewhat seeing that he's spent thousands on himself over the years while I went without
(and paid his debt)
and now spends buko on the girlfriend.
He would definitely have to agree to put God first in our marriage this time.

Currently he says he doesn't want to do the work involved to reconcile and that it's easier to just start over with someone else.

(kinda sounds like Samm's exwife)I hear ya Samm.

So those are the things I would need to reconcile - I love him & have our only child is why I want to try, but I can't force him to do anything. So I'm also trying to prepare myself for the fact that even though it hurts more than I thought anything ever could, he might never come back.

Since I started this thread, I should throw in an answer. I chose to stay b/c I was committed. I had developed the type of love that was as much decision and principled based as it was impulse and emotionally based. SH said it best that the ideal situation is for the parents of children to be together, happy and in love. Best reason to stay I’ve ever heard. I was all three until d-day. My commitment however, kept me focused on giving my best--being a better H, and happiness emanating person--within the context of our M. That lead to the hard work of recovery. Though she eventually returned to the fog and Dv’ed me, I don’t regret making good on my commitment.

Now? That’s a new question. My commitment to her was no more dissolved by the divorce decree than it was created by the marriage license. I just have to decide how that commitment to have the best R with her possible will play out in the long haul. Our lives are tied and our children are little. It’s my nature, it’s my culture and it’s a choice I made so long ago. So I choose to stay.

Spiritually I choose to stay a committed, happiness emanating and attracting man. I choose to stay forgiving and open to peace. I choose to stay regardless where she goes or what she does. If God wills it and she passes this way again (clear of Fog and OM), she’ll find me here, stronger, more mature, but here, just the same. But you know, the taller a tree gets, the more people can see it. I don’t need to move to attract my good. I just need to grow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Time will tell.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Dleigh...

I really like what you just wrote. I'm really sorry things did not work for you. I am trying to gather strength from your last entry though. Good stuff! I hope to be as clear about this A things as you are some day.

Dleigh...

Forgot to mention why I am staying. We have two children (2yrs and 4 months) and I can't imagine putting them through a D. I experienced it first hand as a child and the thought that it may now effect them is very troubling.

For me I stay with WW and try to stay strong and work on the M for the whole intact family idea. That continues to be my dream...and I'm not going to let some self absorbed people force me into giving up that dream.

I like the tree analogy. Wonderful visual reference. Good stuff.

I to chose to stay- having to do with that commitment and promise,,,my wedding vows contained for better for worse,, well- we went thru our worse,,

I also choose to stay, having to do with my faith. God does hate divorce, and He also tells us that adultry can be grounds for forgiveness,, GOd didn't say He has someone better waiting for me--
I also choose to stay, for my childrens benefit-
amongst other reasons,,
"i'm still standing in the gap,,,"

stever

When I realized my WH can not control his addiction to OW..

When I read the book - What Smart Women Know

When he chose his daughter over me

When he started to lie about money

When he's been clobbered by many 2X4's and still shakes it off..

When I finally said - I won't leave for someone else - but for ME..

When I stood up and said You no longer control me, I no longer fear you and you have lost those rights...I realized I'm strong - I can do this..

He's just too far gone..

It was basically, seeing my own strength and seeing is weakness that finally woke me up..