I've been gone for a couple of years, but these forums always helped me before, so I'll try again...

My first wife left me after nine years of marriage in 2001 and we divorced a year later. We have two children - a 10 year old girl and a six year old boy - of whom we share joint physical and legal custody. I remarried last summer, and things are going very well in our blended (that is, me, my wife, and the two kids - my ex is still an MLC mess) family.

I'm 42 and my wife is 39. We were not planning on having children- in fact, she had been told some years ago that it was highly unlikely that she could get pregnant.

Well, miracles do happen. She's 11 weeks as of today, and yesterday we heard one very strong heartbeat at the doctor's office. Yay! (if we have a girl, we're naming her Elizabeth - see Luke 1 33-37)

So, it's coming time to let my kids know they have a younger brother or sister on the way. I think they're going to be excited about the prospect (any downside along the lines of a sleep-deprived dad, tighter money, occasional enforced quiet times for baby naps are all in the future). My daughter had, in fact, asked before we got married if we were going to have children, and suggested she would like a sister. I told her we weren't planning on it (I didn't go into my wife's medical problems- I figure that's a discussion for later), and reminded her that if we did, it would be a baby, not an immediately 10 year old playmate for her. She suggested we adopt. My son was blase about the whole thing, but I think he would dig not being the baby of the family anymore.

Anyway, I think they'll be pleased, but there's always the potential for ex-wife mischief. When I told the kids I was getting married again, they were at first excited, and then they spent five days at their mother's house and came back surly about it. My ex tried to turn it into a big trauma for them, and it took constant work with them to counteract her madness. Since they are with her 50% of the time, it was a three steps forward, two steps back kind of thing.

So, I'm asking for general advice, both on what I might expect from the kids when I tell them there's a new sister or brother on the way, and what any of you might suggest for neutralizing my ex's nastiness.

Sincerely,
dabigtrain

Sounds like congrats are in order!

The news will probably freak out your ex. You can't control her, but you can make sure that the kids have a neutral outlet such as a counselor they trust.

My ex will likely become even more hostile when he finds out I'm getting married. We're not talking about it to the kids until we've got a date set, for that reason.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like congrats are in order!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The news will probably freak out your ex. You can't control her, but you can make sure that the kids have a neutral outlet such as a counselor they trust.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the reminder- I definitely can't do anything about her actions, so insulating the kids has to be the goal. I'd like to tell them "remember, your mom is nuts, so she may try to make you feel bad about this. Don't let her" but that wouldn't be fair to them. Nice to get it off my chest here, however.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ex will likely become even more hostile when he finds out I'm getting married. We're not talking about it to the kids until we've got a date set, for that reason. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good plan. My ex tried to pathologize the whole thing for the kids: "oh, your dad is getting married, that's a big change for you, you'd better go see a counsellor." Mind you, when she moved out, she said the kids would be "just fine." Without even knowing your situation, I'd bet on mischief from your ex.

Waiting to tell the kids is a good plan, from my experience. After I proposed, my wife and I waited until the kids were going to be with me for a five-day stretch. On Friday night, after the kids were in bed, I told my ex I was getting married- she tried to appear sensible and even congratulatory, but ended up insulting me and my wife (she's become a real piece of work). I told my kids alone the next morning; then my wife came over, we all went to mass and spent most of the day together, and the kids and I had plenty of time alone before they went back to their mom's house. I'll probably follow that structure for this revelation, as well.

Off-topic regarding your sig: "reunited with Wesley?" An old flame rekindled? Interesting coincidence, because my new wife is a woman I knew 16 years ago, in college...

As I was reading your post, one thought kept coming back to me. I realize this is a VERY exciting time for you and your wife. You have every right to revel in it and enjoy the congratulations you will be receiving. But if you are concerned about any reaction from your ExW or her reaction negatively affecting your children, why not postpone telling the kids? They are still pretty young and probably won't "catch on" about a pregnancy easily. That might give you a few weeks or even months before being on the possible receiving end of any problematic scenarios. Perhaps over the next few weeks/months, a time will present itself that would be more optimum for telling them than right now.

Oh, btw, CONGRATULATIONS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dabigtrain:
Off-topic regarding your sig: "reunited with Wesley?" An old flame rekindled? Interesting coincidence, because my new wife is a woman I knew 16 years ago, in college... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Westley was my first love in high school. Funny how that happens... surprisingly often.

let me add my congratulations!!!

Im sorry I have no advice as at my age it would be a nightmare scenario not a congratulatory one. LOL

I agree with your plan and wait till the kids are with you for a long stretch. Maybe you can have htem for a few extra days, say stretch the Presidents weekend out into a little mini vacation, go somewhere nice and have a family fun time.

My relationship is an old boyfriend for 32 years ago. I have not seen or heard fron or of him for the whole 32 years and miracuously, out of the blue, God placed us in each others lives this summer. We are planning on getting married in about 2 years.

GOD is good!

Smiles,
Dawn

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
But if you are concerned about any reaction from your ExW or her reaction negatively affecting your children, why not postpone telling the kids? They are still pretty young and probably won't "catch on" about a pregnancy easily. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, they are starting to catch on- "why are you so tired all the time? Why are you drinking ginger ale so much?" Pretty soon, we're going to have to have the "no more jumping on your stepmom conversation" - my son does this thing he calls a "jump hug," and you can just imagine what that's like.

Yesterday, my wife slipped and fell on her rear end on the front steps, and had a bit of a "oh, what if I've hurt the baby" panic attack, and my daughter was very comforting to her, but I could tell she was thinking "well, it's just a bruise..." Anyway, they might not put it all together on their own, but if they talk about it when they're at my ex's house, she might. And then, she gets to pathologize the whole event for them.

So, I think I have to do it fairly soon. The next long stretch I have them is Feb 4-8 (my custody is Mon Tue and alternate weekends), so I think that's the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, btw, CONGRATULATIONS!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you. It's a little scary, becoming a dad again at 42, but I'm excited.

dabigtrain

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunrise1:
My relationship is an old boyfriend for 32 years ago. I have not seen or heard fron or of him for the whole 32 years and miracuously, out of the blue, God placed us in each others lives this summer. We are planning on getting married in about 2 years.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good luck to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trusting God.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a hard lesson, but a good one.

dabigtrain,

If you don't mind me asking, how did you get 50% custody of your children? I'm in a big mess rigth now, eventhough the law guardian had recommened that custody to be 50/50, she is fighting that (I believe for financial gain purposes). The lastest for me is that the "special referee" recommend that she has primary custody and I will be a visiting parent with "liberal" visitation (I hate this word). I think I might have to take this to trial.

Thanks in advance.

Just an update, for the curious: We told the kids this past Saturday, and then said various versions of "Cool!" My daughter is already counting up her baby-sitting income; my son is glad to hear he will no longer be the low man on the totem pole.

I told my ex by phone later that night, when she called to say good night to the kids. She was gracious, surprisingly enough.

One of the first things my D said (after "Cool!") was "Oh, no, Mom is going to keep asking me over and over if I'm OK, and I'll tell her I am, and she won't believe me. That's what she did when you got married." The next night, when X called D, I overheard D's side of the conversation: "Yes, mom. I'm fine.... I'm fine.... I'm excited.... I'm fine, goodnight" and then she handed me the phone. So, D was right on the mark with that, apparently (but she handled it very well, and that will be a topic for another post, if necessary).

Anyway, thanks to any and all who responded or prayed.