I lost it yesterday. Called my parents crying on the phone. Why? WS wants TALK TALK TALK. After a really long time of being silent while I tried to do everything under sun to "fix" this relationship now he decides he's ready to talk.

I saw a lawyer a couple of weeks ago and hired a PI to get needed proof of A (see other posts for more info). I'm basically waiting to see if I get what I need to claim A as reason for D. Meanwhile he continues to contact OW and lie about it to me. I finally told him I wasn't ready to talk. I needed time to think about everything. I found it very curious that he wanted to talk all of the sudden. It's like he's trying to find out if I know anything about him. I'm not telling him. If he is really serious about reconciliation he will tell me himself, right?

He came to my side of the bed this morning crying and telling me he didn't want to lose this life or his kids and most of all me. I told him that it was his choice.

This is such an emotional roller coaster.

Watch (and trust) his actions, not his words!!!!

Note of warning...my xh did this too...when he found out that by his affair he could lose MONEY...in this state anyway.

I found out that if you 1)find out about the affair and 2)you forgive him or take him back after filing, they consider the Affair not the primary cause of the divorce anymore.

You need to know this.

He may be all pretending, knowing if you take him back it will possibly do that. Or else, he is just wanting to know what is going on. How can you divorce without knowing what the other side is up to?

If he wants to change, he must immed. end affair w/OW. And I'd be silent as a mouse and continue the PI to see if he's really walking the walk or not. I'd wait a week or two of NC.

If he is continuing with OW and lying to you, then what is the reality? He's either a cake eater or he's using TIME as a weapon against you...mind you, my xh also used the time he was pretending to work on M to HIDE ASSETS...he knew what was coming..he knew he was guilty...he had only a few options left...and all were/are horrible and ugly.

Stay in the driver's seat at all costs. Do not believe words of a liar. See if his actions mirror the words...a la Dr. Phil.

Thanks for the encouragement. I agree, just needed to hear it echoed again and again! I have to decide if I am going to plop more money into the search...think I'll just wait a few days and see what he does. This is so awful, but I'm doing better today.

Quote: you're FEELING better today...

When I read your words you write, they are emotionally charged. I wish somebody would have just shook me and given me a verbal slap about and said "Peachy, you could lose so much now if you do NOT TURN OFF YOUR EMOTIONS..THINK GIRL THINK..."

I am telling you now what I wish somebody had told me better then.

It is hard when you're in the middle of the chaos. But you need to go to plan B, go silent, and get your info.

Find my friend Orchid. She helped me turn part of my brain back on during this time. So did redhat. They are really good at thinking this stuff thru.

Your x will protect himself and most likely his A partner at all costs. They do not protect US, they protect themselves ok? I didn't get it. Didn't get it until some assets had already been lost and until after he pulled me down so low emotionally that I thought I had a breakdown. The rollercoaster can do that. Even to very stable and sane people btw.

You need to learn how to back off and just look at the sitch from the outside. He has NOT changed any dynamic. Nothing is different. And the PI info will show that. If you want him to change, give him MOTIVATION to change. Listening to the empty words of a liar may make you feel good and you will hear what you want to hear, but it will not help the problem...and the problem is HIS problem. You need to get tough my friend. Disengage. Go to B. Do like Orchid did and shove him out there into the cold cruel world away from his family and warm home. Push him out into the winter of his discontent and let him see how he likes it. Please contact her. Her family has been in recovery for 2 years now and strong. She is awesome.

I would go to B, tell him you're through wiht this rollercoaster, get the PI info (if he leaves and is remorseful, he will NOT go back to OW now will he?), and file. You can always stop a divorce. It is imho, harder to stop affairs than the legal process btw.

He has to:
come home, stop A with OW, show you tangibly or audibly how he has ended the A with OW, be open and honest about his time, where he is, etc., understand that he must see a MB counselor or a good one with and without you, understand he will feel cruddy when he withdraws (my x could only handle withdrawal for about a week and then he flew off it the very last time going on an abuse and affair binge like I had never seen before).

And his agreement to these things (words) must match his actions...the PI stuff. He has to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

If not, no deal. You file, he loses. It has to be that way.

Love has to be tough. REad Dobson's book as well. Even he prefers a tough approach to affairs and when they do not adhere to committment, give them the affair partner. Give them up. Send them out into the cruel winter to have what they gave up so much for.

Turn the feelings off. This is about your life, your marriage, your kids' lives, your whole family. Your financial stability. It's alot more than just your H having sex with somebody else ok? I didn't "get it" until it was almost too late. Let's just say that no, I am not a bitter girl today, but I could have saved myself and my child so much money and pain by just severing things when I had the chance to do so...much mroe cleanly. I gave the jerk ample time to hide money, hide more affairs and what not.

Toughen up, find Orchid. Ask her what to do. You're at a crossroad. Either kick him out or continue as it's going.

I gotta go with Peachy on this one dear.

My hubby had mentioned after he first left (true or not I don't know because he's a compulsive liar) that he hadn't been in love with me for like the last year and a half and I should give him "credit for sticking it out with you through the pregnancy."

STICKING IT OUT? He was horrible. His favorite phrase was "No compassion!" like the soup nazi on Sinefeld's "No soup for you." except it wasn't jokingly. I had morning sickness all through my pregnancy and not just in the morning. His response? - YOU DESERVE IT FOR NOT TAKING YOUR PILL. And his thoughts on my labor? - I HOPE YOUR LABOR IS HELL BECAUSE YOU WERE STUPID AND DIDN'T TAKE YOUR PILL.

We only slept together 3 times throughout the pregnancy. Of course once he left me for Cheryl and I had lost all of the pregnancy weight and then some it was all the time when he'd come over.

Ok, sorry I'm rambling.
Anyhow, he also said that he knew he would leave but just didn't know when in the future.

He had prepared and through this whole thing has been at least one step ahead of me. I let my emotions get the best of me too much and end up giving him a head's up because I still love him.

Please be careful. Don't let him in on any info if possible. I wish I hadn't. I'll be praying for you to stay strong hon.

SS, I vote with Peachy, too. I had the same basic experience as all the others. WH wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. And like Tess, my WH told me he'd been planning to leave when I got diagnosed with breast cancer and decided to stay through my treatment.

I lost a lot by not following the kind of advice you're getting. My H wanted to reconcile when I cut him off from our company's checkbook, then he kicked me out and moved OW in 4 days after I put him back on account as a signer. And, I hate to admit it, but this wasn't the first or the last time I fell for his lies.

As newly said, words coming from a liar are meaningless. Watch his ACTIONS. And as Tess said, don't reveal anything about what you know or what you're doing. Sounds sneaky? That's what I thought and repeatedly gave WH all he needed to manipulate me into believing more lies.

SS- From your prior posts this is NOT your WH's first A...
Why is this time different???
Because this time you actually called an A?? Because he knows you mean business this time???

IMHO - men can be more of a cake eater than women...We tend to be more emotionally involved and ready to jump ship then men when it comes to actually divorcing or leaving the BS.

My WH told me - HE was never going to leave me....please...who are you really staying for ME 0r YOURSELF????? Isn't it great to have it all...

You know my story SS - I've FINALLY gotten to the point that the offer of saving our M is no longer on the table. I NEVER thought I would get to this point..and I have..this man has had more women than I could possibly accept..He has betrayed me, lied, and really I think he hates who I am..not my human self -but my morals, standards, and upbriging..hates that many times I'm right and his ego can't accept that..He must have someone beneath him and I'm not.

As others said - it's his actions that matter - don't listen to more lies. SHOW ME DON'T TELL ME...

Good Lucky Sweetie..

Okay OKAY! I'm listening. Why am I having such a hard time doing what I KNOW I should do? WH has been so chatty. If I didn't know about the current A I'd think he was back on board to save this marriage. My parents say he is playing me, but my heart still wants to believe he is sincere and wants to fix it. But if he wanted to fix it then he wouldn't be texting OW, right? I guess I just need confirmation that finding out the truth on my own is what I should do.

He doesn't know that I know about the current OW. I'm not sure how far it's gone, but it doesn't really matter. It's inappropriate behavior at any level. He keeps telling her he loves her, but last night he promised another A would never happen again. What in the world does that mean?

The hard part is that I want to just go ahead and confront him, but I need proof of the A from the PI. He wants to put a GPS on his car next. Very pricey. What if he can't get the proof I need after all that?

And I keep playing this song around in my head: What if I'm blowing the last chance for reconciliation by having him investigated and nothing is found? I KNOW! It makes no sense. Even if the PI doesn't get pix of them together they are still emailing and texting and talking on the phone all the time. And the emails read like a teenage love letter - disgusting sappy stuff really. Not that I'm against romance, but please! The man is over 40! Grow up already!!!

Okay, I've rambled long enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . Thanks so much for the support everyone. I am just so conflicted and it helps to hear from all of you.

Okay OKAY! I'm listening. Why am I having such a hard time doing what I KNOW I should do? WH has been so chatty. If I didn't know about the current A I'd think he was back on board to save this marriage. My parents say he is playing me, but my heart still wants to believe he is sincere and wants to fix it. But if he wanted to fix it then he wouldn't be texting OW, right? I guess I just need confirmation that finding out the truth on my own is what I should do.

He doesn't know that I know about the current OW. I'm not sure how far it's gone, but it doesn't really matter. It's inappropriate behavior at any level. He keeps telling her he loves her, but last night he promised another A would never happen again. What in the world does that mean?

The hard part is that I want to just go ahead and confront him, but I need proof of the A from the PI. He wants to put a GPS on his car next. Very pricey. What if he can't get the proof I need after all that?

And I keep playing this song around in my head: What if I'm blowing the last chance for reconciliation by having him investigated and nothing is found? I KNOW! It makes no sense. Even if the PI doesn't get pix of them together they are still emailing and texting and talking on the phone all the time. And the emails read like a teenage love letter - disgusting sappy stuff really. Not that I'm against romance, but please! The man is over 40! Grow up already!!!

Okay, I've rambled long enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . Thanks so much for the support everyone. I am just so conflicted and it helps to hear from all of you.

You are NOT hearing what we are saying...what I am reading is you are still entangled up in feelings than TURNING ON YOUR BRAIN. Your family is right! He is playing you.

Why in the heck are you wondering what HE is feeling rather than protecting you and your kids' back from a lying and backstabbing, babbling WH?

I told you this...same scenario. X played same card. Pretended to work on things after playing james bond/hugh hefner in a playboy type rental house in buckhead with OWomen. Came home briefly, but it was all fake. It was financial and so he could do everything he could to bring me over the edge so he could get more custody, get out of paying as much. This is NOT new in divorce wars.

He is texting another woman. They ARE in contactr and ARE having an affair. What do you want to know? You need to have them walk up and tell you they're sleeping together? I am not trying to be blunt, but you are worried what HE will do if he finds you have a PI. I am sorry...HE doesn't seem to worry if he sleeps with SOMEBODY OTHER THAN HIS WIFE AND SOMEBODY ELSE WHO IS NOT THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS. He's a low life scumbucket.

If he wants to save it, he can save it. Your actions will only present you in the best lighting...and it is IRRELEVANT IF YOU HIRE PI OR FILE. Get it? You are having to protect yourself from a guy acting like he's lost his marbles and living like a playbody...a single playboy. You are protecting your family.

If you don't wake up and smell the coffee, you could end up like me...getting peanute for child support and having the xh almost drive you to your knees emotionally and lose some custody. Sure, I have a tad more custody than he does, but I should have been full custody...again, thanks to waiting too long.

They can always come back and you can show them the MB site. You can show them what they can do to restore trust and the way back to love. But not until they end their affairs (like maybe for six months to a year first) and they agree to everything you say. You are in driver's seat. You know. He doesn't.

So what you love him. QUIT ENABLING HIM THEN. ENABLE YOURSELF. YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO DO THINGS WELL FOR YOUR FAMILY. If he loves YOU HE WILL MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO RETURN WHEN HE IS FULLY REPENTANT. HE IS NOT NOW. HE IS PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU AND YOU COULD LOSE BIG TIME. THIS IS NOT A GAME.

Peachy,

I can't thank you enough for your straight talk. I AM emotionally involved. I know it. I just have trouble turning it off. I can't understand why I don't believe what EVERY SINGLE person tells me. Why don't I just do what I KNOW I should? I'm a whimp, I guess. I think he knows that and is playing on my sympathies. Won't he be surprised when I serve him with D papers? The thought of the look on his face makes me smile a little.

I'm calling the PI today. My parents are adament about that. They want me to get the GPS put on his car, see if we can get the proof we need and then go from there. I guess it's my next move.

I'm glad you decided to go forward <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Having been through it already I'm sure Peachy knows where she's coming from.

I TOTALLY understand where you are in the feelings department though. I'm still there myself. (Do I give in a little or be a total B?)
It's hard to reconcile when you still love them.

SO HARD! It's like having your heart in 2 places. I think in the end though better to err on the side of protecting ourselves.

Have a good day sweetie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay, Okay! I get it! At least I'm trying to get it!

Peachy, I read my mom your replies and she said to tell you thank you from her. HA!

I called the PI and told him to go ahead. Will touch base with him again tomorrow.

By the way, I read an email from OW that she doesn't want to wait longer than 2-3 months on WH. She doesn't like the idea of being a mistress. What does she think she is now?

<strong> By the way, I read an email from OW that she doesn't want to wait longer than 2-3 months on WH. She doesn't like the idea of being a mistress. What does she think she is now? </strong>

Maybe she thinks it's like the 5 second rule! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh, Tess,

You made me laugh out loud - quietly of course. Don't want anyone to know what I'm laughing about on the computer.

Thanks!

smiley

Glad I could help !