Of not seeing him. Or really talking to him. I had posted a thread "confused about my divorce" about it. We met about an hour and a half. I had a list of things I wanted to make amends for that I had done. We talked for a while about life in general, then about someone whose wife and son died that I was pretty close to, then about my niece who is having a hard time. Then I got my list and just read it and read it and cried but it felt cleansing. Then when I stopped he just said "there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you or what happened." He also said that he didn't know if it meant anything to me but he was so sorry. Which when you see someone look you in the eye and really mean it- of course it means something. So I cried more and he cried and then he said he didn't know what he was doing or who he was when he was having the affair- it was like he was a different person and could not believe the things he did. He said he somehow felt justified doing it but now knows he was not (All this I knew because of MB - it was FOG). He said he knows how much he hurt me and also knows he hurt himself and so many others. I asked him about OC and told him I thought of her. I asked some questions and he wanted to know if I wanted to see a picture. Which was weird because I had thought of asking but I didn't. So I said yes. She's cute. I told him my thoughts of missing her and feeling like the OW had stolen a child from me because she had his child instead of me- that I tried not to think that way but I just felt a loss. That I cared about OC and hoped she was well taken care of. He also said that OC reminded him of my niece- and as I know, my niece acts and looks like me. He said he knew that sounded weird, but he thought about me when seeing OC. I just told him I was powerless- that I had been a control freak previously and now I was realizing I can't fix anything or anybody but me but because I chose to love him I hoped he would get help he needed (we didn't talk about the pornography or him living with OW) and that his life could turn around if he chose for it to- but he was the one who had to have the change of heart. He had to realize his worth-his potential- his dreams- and do something about it. I dont' know what that means he will do- I just know I made amends on my part. We hugged. It was hard to let go, I admit. But he is living with OW- I have to let go, I just needed him to know that I know where I screwed up and make amends for that. I am rambling, don't really know what I am looking for- I am at peace - yet yes, I do miss him. But I don't miss the fighting and the hurt- and I want to be truly loved.

adgirl,

You did what you had to do for you and that is good. You went into it with open eyes and expected nothing in return. As you said you needed to make amends.

I hope that the peace that you found is yours for a long time.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Adgirl, I think it is great that you were able to talk to X and get some closure on things.
It's a very positive step toward recovery. And don't ask recovery of what, because who knows what the future holds.

haha I would have asked recovery of what. Because that is the part that I wonder about. What it all means. I guess time will tell and I know I can't push anything.