Okay, I've been about half a year, joined in some discussions, received advice (thank you!!) and done lots of lurking.

Here's my question: How many have been left, have been divorced, etc. from GOOD marriages?? I keep reading about men who have multiple A's, are abusers, alcoholics, other addicts, lyers, etc. Many of you ARE definitely better off without those men in your lives.

My H was NONE of those things. We had a good marriage. Our last 6 months was "yucky" but we didnt' fight and I could never realy put my finger on what was wrong, I just assumed that it would work itself out when some other things in our lives got worked out. (new baby, househunting)

We had a good relationship, until the day he came home and told me he didn't love me anymore- end of story. We will be divorced soon and while there were mixed messages, he never really wanted to work on the marriage, he decided in his own little head that it was over.

Are there people out there like me?? I'm just so confused about WHY this is happening, and how others recover when they don't have a "bad" marriage to justify things. I can't look back and see poor treatment of me, or neglect, or abuse.

Comments??

cm

I submit that your definition of "Good Marriage" may be lacking. Because it doesn't sound like a Good one. It sounds better than a lot of them, but that's not the same as a partnership of two people, working together to meet each others needs, and meeting mutual goals...

SO I don't see how you can say "We had a good relationship, until he told me he didn't love me".

You may have thought the relationship was good, but apparently he wasn't seeing it the same way.

And a lack of fighting or bad juju between you doesn't mean things are good.

W/o knowing more, it's hard to say, but it kind of reads like as soon as a little conflict arose (child rearing, house hunting -- All stressful times), things just dissolved.

There are hills that good marriages make it over/through/around, and come out stronger on the other side. Good marriages pull together and *grow* in adversity. Not fall apart.

So maybe the question needs to be rephrased.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by country mama:
<strong> We had a good relationship, until the day he came home and told me he didn't love me anymore- end of story. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You'll have to excuse my skepticism, but as I recall my "now X" wife came home one day and told me pretty much the same thing. And I could of written the same post you wrote about there not being any affairs, addictions, or abuse. Heck, I even called Dr. Laura and ended up pretty much defending my wife. Well GUESS WHAT? Yup, there was another man in her life.

I ain't saying by any means that people can't wake up one day and "choose" not to love their spouse, but I do believe that most of the time there is an item/issue that leads or pulls them to this decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by country mama:
<strong>

We had a good relationship, until the day he came home and told me he didn't love me anymore- end of story. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I agree with the other posters here that most of the time there really IS something underneath it that causes the above, it's certainly possible that your H is going through a change that is totally HIS.

You know the movie "When Harry Met Sally" the great breakup line Harry loved to use because it relinquished him from having to explain his reason for wanting to stop seeing a girl was "It's not you. It's me." Well I beleive that sometimes, it really IS them.

Sometimes relationships are not destined to be. That may fly in the face of everything that's in this forum, it is nonetheless true. Some things are meant to end. Some things have a life span.

I myself have had three 'serious' relationships in my life, all lasting quite a long time. When I look back on them, I can now see that they lived out their life span and ended at an appropriate time. Was is painful? You bet it was. Did I move on? Indeed yes. And managed to grow in the process.

Some marriages IMHO are meant to end.

I have to agree with others...after reading these boards for years and based on my own experiences, your husband is likely at least having an emotional affair with someone else. If so, he won't think it's an affair because it isn't physically, but he would be wrong. He is probably letting someone else meet his Emotional Needs.

Of course I didn't get the whole story out. He did have an EA, and perhaps still is, I don't know. I guess what I meant is, until our "yucky" time, we HAD that great relationship of commitment and sharing. We had all the same interests and beliefs and whatnot.

My puzzlement is in how to get over this, when I can't look back on the marriage and justify the end by seeing the "bad" in the marriage.

CM-

Well, I can honestly say that my husband and I had a "good" marriage, and then one day he says he's not in love with me anymore, never had been. Just left me with total hurt and confusion. Never in a million years would I have seen that coming. Thngs were getting a little too familiar, maybe. Taking things for granted a bit. Tired from two young kids and his busy job, so our intimacy lacked a bit. But...nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing that should end a marriage. And it always seemed like I had the "perfect" man--honest, respectful toward me and everyone else, hardworking but still made sure he was always there for our family, great dad...

Well, that was six months ago. a lot has happened since. He left a couple weeks after his initial blow, and about three months after that, he had one night of a complete meltdown where he saw what an a** he was. He felt horrible and didn't know why he did what he did and said what he said. He even apologized to my parents! Decided then to do counseling for himself to figure out what was wrong with him.

None of it makes any sense. He now lives with his mom, but we get along just fine when we are together. We make good friends. Why did he do what he did? He doesn't know, but to sum it up, he has lots of buried issues, most that had nothing to do with me, come to a head all at once. He has some mental issues to figure out, and he hasn't yet. So he can't tell me if he wants our marriage to work or not. He is just so uncomfortable in his own skin. I almost feel bad for him. But it is so hard on me. I am left doing most everything on my own, not even knowing if he will gove us the chance to work us out. And he makes me question if what we had was really emotionally wonderful, or just surface good. (he tends to be a people pleaser, so was he being Mr. Wonderful out of obligation or cuz he really deeply loved me?)

I don't know if this makes sense. It really doesn't to me. But I wanted to let you know that it isn't necessarily an affair. In our case, its not. The human mind can do weird stuff.

Take care,
Cin

I guess we're both in a similar situation, although you still have a chance because your H hasn't made up his mind yet. I'm almost divorced. We, too, get along fine, although I'm at the point now where I can't talk to him because it just hurts too much. I trade the kids with him as quickly as possible and limit conversation.

We had other circumstances, too. My H has worked out of town for 5 years,coming home only on weekend. Because of that, we did less and less together, because we just didn't have time, and with two kids by myself all week I was tired when he was around. I never complained, though, adn he has told me THAT is the main reason he left the marraige; apparently I didnt love him enough to ask him not to do that job anymore. WHAT???? Could've swore he was a man of free will.

There's more, of course, I think some depression on his end, and now some alcohol abuse,

Anyway, I dont' understand and I guess never will. My friends think I"m crazy because I still hope that SOMEDAY my old hubby will resurface. For now, I'm ready to be divorced from this man, because he is so NOT my husband. He rarely calls the kids or sees them, never shows any concern for our wellbeing, and is fighting me about money. This from a man,who, like your H, was always upright, moral, and respectful of everybody around him. I really am less than a person to him right now, and it hurts.

Good luck to you cinn.

cm