hi,

I haven't posted in a while, but read here often. I will be as brief as possible. 2 years ago my wife came and took my by supprise, she told me that she no longer love me and wanted out, I asked her if there was some else involed and she swore on het granmother's grave that there wasn't. I found out through e-mails around that she was and still (I beleive) emotionally invloved with a guy to whom she never even meet. They talked to each other daily. I have tried all that I could to save it, but she wants no part of it and finally filed. We have 2 children D5 S2 and I love them dearly and would do anything for them. I wanted 50/50 custody of the children and after the interview process with the law guardian, she recommended that we would have 50/50 custody with no primary custodial parent (I'm not sure what this mean). the court appointed a abitrator to our case. I just got his recommendation today and he recommended that she have full custoddy of the children and I have visitation rights and he also awarded her the hhouse, child support and maintence. I don't have a problem with supporting my children, but it just doesn't seem right to me that if I was to agree to the referee decision, I would be about $50 in a hole every month after I pay the rent and car payment (and I haven't even include the gas to go to work or food and anythign else yet). has anyone have any experience with a special referee? now her lawyer is pushing for the judgement to be sign by the judge. Is there anything I can do to appeal the referee decision? I have tried to contact my lawyer and he have not respond to me.

Get a new lawyer!

Thats the best advice I can offer

WIWH

Do Not Sign Anything. Agree to NOTHING. Go get yourself a Darn good lawyer. Do it NOW. You can't wait. You will get shafted and it sounds like you are about half way there. Your wife's atty. is just hoping you are gulable enough to think she is going to help you in the long run. Don't fall for it. Check on the web for child supt. laws in your state. If Rule 32 is your state law, you have no choice but to follow all the guidelines to a T. Your attny will help you understand. Go ahead and get every bit of income they can prove you have maid for the last three years and start tabulating. Any thing at all that you can find on your wife that might help you in any way USE it. Provide all insurance and medical exspences you pay on the child, it will help you.

Finally PRAY. Give it to God and have faith His Will, will be done.

Thanks all for your respond. I have taklked to a different lawyer and he told me that I don;t have to agree to what the abitrator said and I can stop the judgement form going through.....I have an appointment with him on Monday..I think I will have to fire my old lawyer, he si too passive for me...

Great! My friend went to court without a lawyer. He told told me He felt God was telling him He would be his lawyer....
I was like :-0!!!
He thought I was going to tell him he was crazy. Instead I told him, you have to do what God tells you to, no matter how insane I thought it was. Follow God's will.
I was thinking He is going to fry.
To prove he was listening to God...
He got into court without the lawyer and his wife and her lawyer was tearing him to shreads. His daughter called me bawling and I got his sister. His sister got backup and headed straight to the courthouse.
If only to be at his side. His sister seen a guy she knew and was talking to him about what was going on. The guy wrote something on the back of the his card and said give this to him and tell him to give it to the judge. Judge reassigned the case and he ended up with the best divorce lawyer in town. Now his wife is the nervous one.
God does work in His own time, even if you think He needs to Hurry. Have faith!!!

thank you Chestnutheart, I do have faith and still hoping for a miracle. I'm not sure why my lawyer is so passive, he came highly recommended by a few people I know and he cost much more then others. I guess I will jsut keep on praying and hoping things will work out in the end. Thanks much!!!

You asked on a thread of mine how I got 50/50 custody- I'm not sure my experiences are of any use to you, but here goes: in Minnesota, where I live, the courts are more open to 50/50 than elsewhere (I'm told), and my ex and I didn't ever disagree on it. Frankly, I think she felt guilty because she's the one who wanted to leave, and on some level she knows I'm a more stable parent than she is, and so she didn't try to take the kids full time. For my part, I think the kids would idealize her if they didn't have as much time with her ("oh, Mom is so fun, Dad's a drag, he makes us do homework"), and if I can counteract her craziness effectively (which is a full-time job), then it's better than they spend time regularly with both of us.

It's no picnic- I hate having to continuing negotiating with my ex, since she gets harder and harder to deal with- but it's better for the kids than "full custody and visitation."

I agree with the posts above- you need a better lawyer than you have, and you should not sign anything that says you lose the kids, home, and end up paying all the bills until you have exhausted all other possibities. Maybe 10 or 15 years ago, it was a slam dunk that the mother got custody if she asked, but not anymore.

One other bit of advice: it has been a long struggle for me to stop thinking of my ex as my partner. We BS's keep thinking the man/woman we married is in there somewhere and is reachable- but your ex is not thinking like that. If she is trying to get you to sign away your life so she can be happy with her internet romance, she is your adversary and you have to start thinking of her as such.

My prayers are with you.

Thanks Dabigtrain for your advice! I intend on fighting this as far as I have to go. I also starting to understand now why there are so many dead beat father out there, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are some that are bad, but there are other like me who would love to take care of my children, but the system is killing me. I have tried and be fair through this process against many of my friends advice of not to. I guess I will just have to pray hard and hope there somewhere deep in her heart that she wants what's best for the children instead of her bank account.

Besides that your children need to see you more than what visitation typically allows. My stbx and I have close to a 50/50 split. In the beginning I had a lot of resentment and I admit that I did threaten to move with the children -- but I came around, let go of the drama, and realized -- THE CHILDREN NEED THEIR FATHER. Not only to visit, but to be actively involved in their lives, to help raise them. Hopefully your wife will also see this.

Cyllanlisa,

I have done a lot of research and it all point to the fact that you have stated, THE CHILDREN NEED THEIR FATHER in their lives and to me standard visitation doesn't cut it, by the way I hate the word "visitation" (why am I visiting my children?). I don't blame her as much as I blame the system, it is too bias against men. She is just trying to take advantage of the system. I also read somewhere that usually the judge will go with the law guardian's reccomendation, I'm not sure why the referee in my case did it differently. I will fight this and all my friends and family support me on this, in the end the one who will lose the most are the children and that's not my intention. I will try and shield them away from this as much as possible.

God bless!!

I agree with you. I also think that the "standard visitation" also leads to some behaviors that I was concerned about -- the kids don't get much time with Dad, so obviously Dad feels he needs to make the most of that time. So, they do lots of fun stuff, go out a lot, buy presents. I think it leads to one parent being the "fun" one and the other always having to deal with the mundane stuff -- homework, discipline, etc. Not always, but the tendency is there with this arrangement.

My kids are 4 and 6 and they spend Monday and Tuesday overnight with their Dad and every other weekend Friday through Sunday. That is 6 out of 14 days in a two week period. It is not quite 50/50, but it seems to be working. I was worried a little about school and having a "stable" home base -- especially with the 6 year old being in 1st grade. But it is important that the kids have that time with Dad, the consistent schedule and similar schedules and rules in Mom and Dad's house provide that stability.

Good luck to you, you are doing the right thing.

cyllanlisa,

Thanks for your support, I'm trying the best I can to do the rigth thing. Still waiting for my lawyer to call me back. I will tell him that if he doesn't have time for my case then I will find someone who does..

Two things:
1. Many states differentiate between legal and physical custody, with legal as decisionmaking and many states are moving toward joint legal. And then the physical custody is what is left for the parents and courts to decide. PS. Visitation is an old term. The new term is "parenting time".
2. Be realistic. Were you a 50% parent before? Do you want to be now just because of the D? Do you travel for business, or work long hours? Can you really handle 50/50? My X fought me on this, and got less than I was willing to give. Children need time with both parents, but in many cases, some parents weren't parenting when they lived together. And their spouses are many times concerned with the children's safety in that home.
My thought is that is why the arbitrator gave your wife more time. I'm guessing they gave you some time, but not as much as you wanted (unless you really meant full custody).

Divorce is hard on everyone. Do the best you can for your kids and make it easier on them. If that means fighting for more time, then do it - if you can be a good, stable parent to them.
Read Mom's House/Dad's House too for more ideas on how to handle things.