Hello to everyone. I really really need some help right now, and I really really need a lot of prayer right now. Please pray for me and my wife. I truly need everyone to pray that my wife will give me another chance, even though I probably don't deserve it, I am asking for devine intervention.
I am the father of 3 daughters, 15,10,9. I have been married for 16yrs. I have have several affairs throughout our marriage, and last year I confessed these affairs thinking(like and idot) that I wanted out of my marriage. My wife and I seperated last December after I told her about my affairs. When we seperated I started seeing a co worker(again like an idiot) My wife and I tried to get back together in March, and I told her about the most recent affair, she forgave me and I moved back in. We fought like cats and dogs for two months, and I moved back out in June. We have been seperated ever since, and then back in June I started seeing the same woman again(how could I have been sooooooo blind) I truly thought I was in love with her, how stupid was I. We decided to get back together again yesterday, but she wanted to know if there was anything she did not know about before we got back together. So I told her about my most recent affair with the same woman, I wanted to get everything out in the open so we could start fresh, because she said that if she found out something else and I lied about it, it would not be good for me or us. So I told her, she came unglued and said we were done that she had done all she could do, and she saw and attorney today. My eyes have finally been opened, I don't want to lose my wife and I don't want to lose my family. I will do anything, I told her anything, please give me another chance, I will not let her down. She is not responding to me at all, no calls, no conversation, nothing, just that she is done and no turning back. I truly believe she is done, but I also believe that God can perform miracles. I am asking for your prayers and help. Please help me.

God can and does perform miracles every day. But the miracle should be as much for you as for your W. God commands us to forgive. But he also commands us not to commit adultery. So you need to address why you've had affairs. Otherwise, you probably won't stop, espcially since it seems the reason you're repentent now is because you're losing your W.

Stop and think about this: are you sorry, not for your impending loss but for how your W must feel?

I'll definitely pray for you and yours. And I'm sorry to come across harshly but PAs are hard for me to stomach. I totally understand how and why they COULD happen. But how married folks let themselves actually have them is a mystery.

Plus, if you're still working with the coworker you had the A with, that's going to be more temptation than it's worth. Even if you don't "love" the OW anymore, she'll seem like easy nookie when you and your W are having problems (which you are likely to continue having for a while now that all the news has been laid on her).

I'll pray...and you pray too, OK?

Dear WS,

You've said in your post that you've had several affairs.
I've talked to a counselor this week who had said that this type of behavior is not likely to change unless the person in the destructive behavior goes through some sort of therapy and have accountability.
Are you attending any counseling with a therapist, pastor, or someone else qualified?

If not, how do you know that this time will be any different?

Are you sure you don't just want her back now because right now you can't have her?

What happens if you get back together again and reality starts to set in again after a few months?

I am all for marriages reconciling, my own included, but just as cautionary advice I would say to get into some serious therapy to deal with the root cause of WHY you had all of these affairs in the first place.

Your wife needs to see that something different is happening this time. I guarantee that your word of willpower is not going to cut it.

To quote Dr. Phil: The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
&
If you want something different you've got to DO something different.

Start there. Work on yourself and continue to pray .......

Thank you both for your responses. I have an appointment next week with a counselor, I will begin my therapy then. I know that I have had problems in the past, I want to change that and not fall in to the same trap again. You know whats weird, I really have never been able to admit that I have a problem, I am looking forward to the help. I really am. I just spoke to my wife, she said I need to move on because she was, but I will continue to pray for her to change her mind every day until she does. I will change my behavior patterns, I will get into Gods word everyday and ask him to help me also. I want my wife to see a change in me, and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Please pray that my wife will change her mind, and I will change anything that I need to change to become a better person and one that my wife will see that she wants to be a part of again. Please pray for us. Thank you.

Get to see a MB counselor. Call the harleys or Cerri here. And do this with your wife.

You have to cut Ow off cold turkey. And you have to earn the respect of your W again. You've blown it man...And now you have what sounds like one last chance to save your family.

My xh totally lost it during his affairs and ended up marrying the last affair partner b/c she was 7 mos. pregnant and her family put tons of pressure on him to marry her...despite fact we were still legally married. His choices have been horrible ones. I cannot ever view him as the man I wish I could. He has to see his son 40-45% of the time he did before. I virtually have NO relationship with him at all and can even barely speak to him except for financial or parenting issues. He destroyed everything. And yet, last year after his shotgun marriage and birth of OC, (he is an executive mind you..not a slouchy guy most people would think), he in his office with tears in his eyes said "I will always love you peachy. I think of you every day and we can't go back. There would be no way." And it is true. Under NO circumstances would I let that kind of person in my life.

Is that what you want? Well that is what you will get unless you CHANGE YOUR DYNAMICS. Your W is hurt beyond belief. She has seen you many times waffle and go back to the OW. And I've been there. I bought the damn t shirt. I know how she feels. '

You have to do this time...not say words. It will take not being around OW and maybe either she or you changing jobs...(but doing this without contact). Immed. initiating NC with this person also. And you have to learn about withdrawal. You've gotten around to having more than one partner and that is called cake eating..no more cake for you if you want to save your marriage.

I wish you hope and love and recovery for you and your wife and children. Will pray for you to have an awakening ok?

Also, think of this...your wife decided enough is enough if you waffle and go back to OW. She will be a single person. She will start her life over. Guys will see that kind of quality person out there and you will be that guy one day standing in his office with tears in his eyes telling your xwife that you still love her...but have to face the reality you actively decided to lose your family.

Do you like these scenarios? Do you want this future? If not, then take a hint from A Christmas Carol and hear the words of somebody who lived this heck that is adultery and divorce. I didn't get my marriage healed. But I am a vibrant woman and have the most wonderful son in the world. My x is the one missing out now. And he knows it.

One chance left. What will you do?

You don't know what you have til you've lost it.


She sounds patient. Maybe she will remain that way while you seek the help you need. Get it, and pray she will be willing to speak to you with a counselor about this destructive behavior.


I will pray for you.

WS,
You wrote:
"Please pray that my wife will change her mind, and I will change anything that I need to change to become a better person and one that my wife will see that she wants to be a part of again."

Given the order you listed the itmes, I want be to sure you know how this works. You, as the one who has done the same highly destructive behavior over and over, need to become the man she longs for BEFORE she changes her mind, and you need to make those changes knowing full well it may all be in vain.

Have you read Dr. Harley's rules for Ex-wayward spouses? You need to be available 100% of the time, you need to write a no contact letter to your OW and send a copy to your wife. Then you need to inforce no contact on OW. You also need to deliver up all email accounts with passwords to your wife. Finally, you need to let your wife see anything and everything she wants to. If she decides at three am, she wants to go through your the glove compartment of your car, you hand her the keys and tell her you love her. This status lasts not just a week or a month, it lasts years. On the other hand, when spouses have access to all information, the possibility of an affair plummets.