Okay, I just keep having this feeling that God is working to help me understand that I will be single (and celibate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) for the rest of my life. I, like a stubborn child, do not like this idea and am trying to convince myself differently. I know remarriage stats for "older" (i.e., women over 30-35) aren't nearly as high as women 30 and under. Maybe it's because older women realize they enjoy the freedom they never had before and opt not to remarry.

However, I more believe it's because there just aren't as many single prospects out there for us, and because men our age statistically marry younger (often much younger--see ages of my own XH and apparently-soon-to-be bride).

So here's info I ran into tonight while searching on marriage rates after 40 (the age I'll be in 9 months!).

Recent social research has some answers. Children with married parents do better on all measures of well-being than kids in other structures including stepfamilies. Men, women, and children are all poorer after divorce. Although men recover more quickly financially, they lose time or contact with their children. But mothers also lose time with kids, because they're at dad's or mom works more. Men are more likely to remarry, and choose younger second wives. Divorced women are freer to make career choices, but their prospects for remarriage drop after age 30, and plummet after 40 .

Okay, I haven't died having no companion, no "best-friend", and no lover for the past year. But to think it will be this way for the rest of my life really sucks! Freedom is nice. But I really do long to be held and appreciated and loved. What if that never, ever happens again. I have a lot more stacked against me than most women, even women my age have. My odds are already far worse than an average 39-yr-old just because of my past, certain things about how I look, and because of my commitment to myself and to the Lord that I'm going to try my best NOT to have SF before marriage.

So how does one resign themselves at 39--what should be the peak of their lives--to giving up dreaming about, longing for, or expecting at some point to enjoy the intimate company of a man who loves them.

LL

Lordslady,
I've seen your pic on the MB Photo thread and have read several of your posts... I don't think you will have too much of a problem getting remarried. The Lord works in mysterious ways, he will give you what you need at the right time. Keep believing...

Don't give much thought to statistics. You are the one to make your life what it is. And with the Lords strength, you can do anything. You've gone through alot. Many of us have and we will survive because we have seen some of the worst and made it through, we have become stronger because of all this. Keep your faith and you will do great things....

I also agree with the statement "don't pay attention to the statistics". You have to remember, those statistics are from a broad spectrum of lifestyles, and mostly non-religious based. As the Lord's lady, your lifestyle is different. From what I've read in different research and articles (even this month's More magazine-aimed at women over 40), one reason why women over 35 don't get remarried as often is because they feel more confident of themselves (this can be you after applying MB and any other Godly principles), they don't have young children who (they feel) need parenting, and (this shouldn't apply to you) they don't see the need for a marriage relationship because they are freer to have sex without the commitment.

Perhaps God is just telling you to "wait and slow down" in order to put Him more fully first before any relationship? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 05:58 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Statistics lie. I divorced at 42 and would you believe.. less than 1 1/2 years later, I met a wonderful Christian lady who was a year older than me. She was a widow and never thought she'd find anyone either...
We're not what you would call the most attractive socially hot perfect mannerisims, etc. according to what this 'society' might think but you know what? That's not important. What is important is that to us - we are the most important person in the world to each other!
Love WILL find you.. just give it time. It will find you and when it does, be careful and go slow.
SDLOM

O and one other thing: my first wife was about 5 years younger than me - for some strange reason, I had it in my head that I was 'supposed' to marry a girl 5 years younger than me.
WRONG. I have found that older women are much more DESIREABLE than younger ones are. Why? They're more mature and sensible about things and they have 'been there, dun that, etc.' -
I wish for you the very best, LordsLady! I know you will be looking back at this time in your life in a few years and say, "Well, that was a really LOW point in my life. Things are so much better now.."
SDLOM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well - I guess if I believed your statistics I'd be even further depressed...I'll be 48 in a couple of months and I can bet my divorce will take a long time to be final. Heck, then I'll be 50..
I have the same feelings/fears that I'll end up alone w/noone to hold me, be there for me, etc. BUT...since my WH has never truly been there for me, held me, or even wanted to be sexually active w/me I look at it alittle different..I've been alone and just didn't realize it..Now, I also fear that if I did met someone that wanted/expected more from me - would I even know how or remember what true intimacy was..I think I've longed for it for the majority of my M..that now I fear it..Pretty sad..But, that's where I am...

Do I want M again...NO...

Funny, WH has no problem picking up 40 + year olds..too bad they are all M...Maybe, we'll hit it lucky their BS will dump them and then all of a sudden the market will be flooded w/available men..Well, at least in my hometown..Hhahaa

It will get better for you..be patient..It happens when we least expect it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong> Lordslady,
I've seen your pic on the MB Photo thread and have read several of your posts... I don't think you will have too much of a problem getting remarried. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where's the Photo Thread???

Thanks!
High Flight

The MB Photo Thread is usually on GQII. It may be a couple of pages back. I'd put a link here, but I don't know how to... If you haven't visited the photo album, its great to put faces with people that post here...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong> Well - I guess if I believed your statistics I'd be even further depressed...I'll be 48 in a couple of months and I can bet my divorce will take a long time to be final. Heck, then I'll be 50..
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm turning 52 next month. By all accounts, that makes me ancient and off the charts.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Now, I also fear that if I did met someone that wanted/expected more from me - would I even know how or remember what true intimacy was..I think I've longed for it for the majority of my M..that now I fear it..Pretty sad..But, that's where I am...

Do I want M again...NO...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto. I also know that when you are looking for it, you are not likely to find it. So, those of us who don't want it, are the most likely to find it. Hmmm. The stats don't consider THAT fact, do they?

High Flight,

I'll try this URL thing and see if I can do a link to the MB photo albumn. It's sad sometimes to see all the people I've conversed with over on GQII or read about, to see all the smiling faces and think of the pain behind all of them. But it's also nice to be able to put a face with a story, too.

So here goes...

MB Photo Album

ITHURTS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT...since my WH has never truly been there for me, held me, or even wanted to be sexually active w/me I look at it alittle different..I've been alone and just didn't realize it..Now, I also fear that if I did met someone that wanted/expected more from me - would I even know how or remember what true intimacy was.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You just did a great job describing my marriage, too. Friends (and the fun they offered) always came before family for my XH. He would come home late, and all he'd want to do is eat, watch TV, and sleep. No conversation, no attention, and SF no more than once every 2-3 months most of the time.

But I lived on hope. I had this dream that someday he'd come around and be all those things I desired. That was dumb, I know. But hope has gotten me a long way in life. To now give up that hope and accept that I may never have those things I've dreamed of--wit him or anyone else--I find it really depressing at times. But I wonder if it's what God is trying to tell me.

LL

Come on Lordslady - You got your horses girl - YOU DON'T NEED NO COWBOY....You just need a [censored] to pay for them...just a little humor here...

Yes, I hoped for years that things could/would change too - but, I had to look in that mirror and realize that Yes, I am attractive, Yes, I have something to offer, I'm alot of good things and if my WH prefers many MOW to me..Why would I want to be w/someone that DOESN'T WANT ME..

Read the book - What smart women know..It put me over the edge - made me read between the lines..it was my 2X4.....it will help you with future relationships too.It will confirm losing your WH was the best thing for you....

Cyber Hugs Girl..Gotta sign off - my honey wants a carrot...

I think one of the reasons many women don't remary after 40 is because they become very independent and deep down inside, don't want to get married again.

In my very limited dating experience I find that women who have been divorced 10 or more years are very picky. I feel as thought they are searching and probing every aspect of me until they find some reason why I am not right for them.

These women skew the statistics.

Lords Lady,

Dont sell yourself short. I dont think I have posted to you before (at my age at least my memory is going somewhere, even if I am not LOL)but I have read many of your posts and the advice you give to others tells me that you have alot to offer a special someone.

Two years ago I was saying the same thing. I never believed that I would find someone who would love me and hold me and accept the love I have inside me to give. My X abused me in every way and damaged my emotions and self esteem. Now, not only has God healed me but He has put a wonderful love in my life. Incredibly, I met him when I was 12. Read my story here if you wish.

special vacation

You have to remember that God's time is not the same as ours. Be the best you can be and wait for God to supply your needs. He knows what is best for you.
Smiles,
Dawn

LL -- look at it this way - you were never going to get what you wanted and dreamed of with your XH. Step 1 -- lose XH, Step 2 -- fix LL, step 3 - ????

Lordslady - please check out the statistics on AARP or with the census bureau. It is no longer like it used to be. A very high percentage of both men and women do remarry, even after 50. Things are changing.

Many do not remarry because they don't want to lose benefits, and instead just live together.

Many, especially women, don't want to remarry.

I am MUCH older than you, and I am confident that if I ever decide I want another one, that man will be there.

Just jumping in here as I am 42. Have lost a 120lbs in the last 2 years and went from a size 22/24 to size 8 and thought that I would have guys beating down my door. Not............

I haven't even had a date!!!

I think that I probably scare guys, I am vey self confindent and self assured, and guys think that I don't need them. But I do, I want one that wants me. So I haven't went out looking, I am waiting for the Lord to bring me one, stupid I guess. But a parting shot from the x has bothered me, he said that I had chased him and asked him to marry me. I didn't do either, but the shot really bothers me so I don't want anyone to preceve that I chased them. My x did a lot of revisioning of our beginning to fit his needs and that it really wasn't me that he was to have married but he should of waited for her. Most of it I can rack up as just that he saying what he needed to justify his actions, but that one just bothers me.

So will I remarry? Don't know, haven't meet anyone that has asked me!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

lordslady,
I'm 49 years old. I've been through 2 divorces. The most recent one was from my xWS (age 47 yrs. old at the time) who had an affair with a "girl", who was 21 yrs old at that time. She got pregnant..they have a 2 1/2 yr old son with Down Syndrome..live together, but haven't married yet. I, too, hope to remarry again someday. I love having a companion in my life...to share hopes and dreams..and touch..I miss being touched so much!

Currently...Me..49 yrs.old, (50 in February!)Attractive face but a plus-sized woman. Now I have both age and weight working against me! I just recently started dating in the past year. I have used the internet...and while recognizing there are risks...I have been very fortunate in meeting nice guys who are as they say they are. Since February of last year I have met in-person, or dated, 8 men. I have had numerous more men express an interest in me, but I had no interest in them. As a matter of fact, I have had a 23, 24 and two 25 year olds express an interest in me! Their response being "Age is just a number". Mine being..."your number is the same as my oldest son...thanks but no thanks". I'm a social worker, so it's not that I make big bucks to be someone's sugar mama. Have I found the man of my dreams yet? No. But I have been pleased to have the opportunity to date again. I didn't even think that would ever happen. Yes the odds work against us as older women (you being a spring chicken at almost 40!) But they are "odds"...not a "given"! Hold tight to your hope and faith. God has never been one to be defeated by the "odds"!

ll, gotta jump in here. You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Friends (and the fun they offered) always came before family for my XH. He would come home late, and all he'd want to do is eat, watch TV, and sleep. No conversation, no attention, and SF no more than once every 2-3 months most of the time.

But I lived on hope. I had this dream that someday he'd come around and be all those things I desired. That was dumb, I know. But hope has gotten me a long way in life. To now give up that hope and accept that I may never have those things I've dreamed of--wit him or anyone else--I find it really depressing at times. But I wonder if it's what God is trying to tell me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First,You're situation sounds so much like mine with my WH.

Second, hope can help us survive in a crisis, but as in your case, and mine, as a long-term strategy, it tends to keep you stuck in fantasy and unreality.

Third, I'm 53, so I also qualify as much older than you, and I'm dating a very nice man who's 8 years younger than I am (of course, WH still wins the prize with MOW who's 28 years younger than I am). I was asked out by a 25 year old soon after WH left (wasn't about to go out with him, but it was flattering). I'm not as cute as you (saw the picture) or especially wonderful, interesting, charming, wise, or funny.

And third and a half, a good friend of mine who's H left around the same time as mine for an ex (younger) girlfriend, is 60 and she's been asked out by every single man over 50 in our church (and there are quite a few surprisingly) as well as others. In the past two years, she's dated a 55 year old, a 40 year old, a 62 year old, and the latest guy who has a crush on her is 45! She's attractive, but she's a genuine 60 year old (no plastic surgery or anything!). So, don't be discouraged. Just remember, God's time isn't necessarily your time.

Second, hope can help us survive in a crisis, but as in your case, and mine, as a long-term strategy, it tends to keep you stuck in fantasy and unreality.

And then when I have to start dealing with that fantasy and reality, I'm sort of falling to pieces. My self esteem, which has never really existed, feel very squashed right now.

And it's a catch-22 because confident people are attractive, and the more I worry, the more self-confidence I loose, but it's hard to just wake up "confident". I'd like that "confidence" pill now, please. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

ll, I'm taking advantage of this opportunity to make my pitch for Al-Anon once again because it has helped me so much to deal with my own issues. Obviously, my issues haven't all disappeared, but as they say in 12-step programs, it's "progress not perfection."

A woman I've known for years because she's the mother of one of my stepson's best friends, came to her 1st Al-Anon meeting this Sat. am. As she said, she's the only non-alcoholic in her family - her brother died of alcohol related liver disease last year at 43, her mother, an AA member, has advanced lung cancer, and her H has been in and out of sobriety throughout their 25 year M. The funny thing is, she's been so focused on all of them that now, with her H finally sober (at least for now), she feels like she's falling apart.

I can remember the same feeling when my H got sober in 1980, after about 8 different treatment programs. I thought my purpose was to be the strong one holding the family together and my purpose had been removed. It was like a rug had been pulled out from under me. I was angry, depressed, resentful, and feeling guilty because I thought I should be happy and grateful. I was, but I expected his sobriety to solve all our/my problems and it didn't.

I know this isn't exactly what we were talking about, but it's related. My H leaving me for what I consider a much lesser partner, was badly damaging to my self esteem and stole my wife/mother role away from me as well. I felt suddenly invisible and such a pathetic stereotype - 50 year old woman who's husband leaves her for a Harley, a Porsche, and a much younger woman (he really did buy a Harley a few years before leaving and then an old Porsche right after).

Al-Anon, more than anything has helped me to focus on me - not only identifying and taking responsibility ONLY for my part in my marriage failure, but also on what I want, what I need, and taking care of myself. When I got to Al-Anon, a woman there pointed out that I had a case of the "He-He's", in other words, "...he did this and he did that..."

I've heard both here at MB and at Al-Anon that relationships aren't about finding the kind of person you want to be with but about being the kind of person you'd want to be with.

I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and some days I still just want everything back the way it was (even though I know it never will be and probably never really was). It comes down to wanting something outside myself to make me ok when feeling ok is an inside job (as they say in 12-step programs) based on our relationship with God (Higher Power).

You're a beautiful, intelligent, spiritual woman with so much to give. Don't give up hope. Just let go of your ideas about the form it has to take - my counselor, a long time AA and Al-Anon'er told me (I'm paraphrasing here) God will give us everything we ask for if we can just let go of the details (the when/where/how).