Where do I start...perhaps a short bio on myself might be useable to those that reply. I am a male who just turned 42, I have 5 kids (4 girls 1 boy)..I have been married for 16yrs (mostly happy w/my marriage). For the past year and a half I have been/become severly obessed with a certain female co-worker. She and I work at times closely together but yet I have managed to avoid any close relationship with her...sometimes acting like a high schooler (ie...not saying hello, finishing the job/task at hand and then turning around and leaving before any words are spoken). Our days off are similar and I find myself thinking of her constantly over the weekend and throughout the week and at times waiting for the next day to roll around just so I can see her...but yet we still dont speak (that frequently) to each other. She has the qualities (eyes, sound of her voice, body) of a woman I have wanted to have all my life. My parents worried about me from about the age of 4 because of my friendly nature, I would start conversions with complete strangers...and I'm still that way except when its comes to this particular lady. I dont understand why this is and what to do about it. I do love my wife/family but perhaps something is missing that I'm just not catching. There have been other women that have come and gone in my life...(no affairs "ever") I thought they were interesting and I was curious but it always seemed to pass...but not this one. The only explanation I can come up with for my behavior towards this lady and our situation is that I know I would never leave my wife/family so why persue something that has no chance...(thus, I admire her from afar and refuse to speak to her as I would anyone else because there is really no future/chance to be part of her life) but yet I cant get this lady off my mind. Is this some mid-life crisis that I'm going through (at first I thought so, but after a year and half?) or am I losing my mind? What is missing in my marriage that has me obessed like this...please advise and thanks for your time.

Yikes, cb! I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, but glad you found this forum to help you get through it before you make a huge mistake.

Welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you read the articles on this site? Do you think you could ever talk about this with your W? I think if you could talk about it and bring your feelings into the light of day then maybe the obsession would fade. It's hard I know, but I think that's your first line of defense.

I'm sorry I don't have better guidance and perhaps someone else will come along who has experience in EAs. Weekends are usually quiet.

Keep posting!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You need to stay away from this lady...and meanwhile you need to figure out what the "void" is in your life...something missing in your life, or your marriage, or...

Have you read this article?

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Kathi

Thank you, Kam!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has the qualities (eyes, sound of her voice, body) of a woman I have wanted to have all my life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a psychological phenomenon common to men and women. We have an image of an "ideal" woman in our minds and when someone comes along that "fits" or comes close to fitting the image, we think we have found our soul mates. (This is what "love at first sight" is about). The ideal is a fantasy, a projection and your co-worker happens to be the carrier. If you got to know her for a while (or if you married her) you would find out that she is not the ideal woman you thought she was. You may very well be able to have a satisfying relationship with co-worker, but despite matching your ideal, she also could turn out to be the mate from hell after a period of time. The co-worker will turn out to be a non-ideal real woman, just like your W. You have a mate, work on making the relationship you do have a better one. My ideal would be Cindy Crawford, but I suspect that if she were my W, I might have the same or worse problems I now have with my W. Ask Richard Gere or Billy Joel about their dream wives.

one4ever

I agree that you need to sit with your wife and do the EN questionaire and decide which needs this other person may be meeting for you. Do NOT go there, it's very easy for emotional affairs to turn physical. The book Torn Asunder does an excellent job of explaining why. Stay strong and work on your marriage.

You are in danger. If you have been thinking of this woman this long-who is thinking of your wifes emotional needs and beauty? Change jobs.

kam -- that was the PERFECT link!! I'm emailing it to all my friends, and H!

one4ever -- I just saw a special on this kind of "typing" that men can do, and Dr. Harley talks about it as well.

After doing MB, and having such a turnaround in my M, I asked my H what his "type" was.

He was kind of shy, but then all this stuff started pouring out!

Well, in the past I would have said "tough cookies," and ignored this new info...

HOWEVER, I thought about it, and ya know what? It would be fun to get my hair done and update my Image (capitol I for humor only)!

So after payday, (5 days!), we're going in to the salon, and HE gets to describe what he wants, (color and all!) and that's what's going to be on my head! (Hey, if I hate it, it'll grow out....)

Either way, I'm showing him that I love him, and maybe he'll wear a tie someday (lol!)

Getting serious though, I believe that ezra is right.

Get a new job, keep reading the site. And congratulate yourself for seeking help and caring about your marriage, you're doing good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But this year and a half obsession needs some heavy ammo to die. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You have 5 incredible children that need you to stay married. Their entire lives (present and future) depend on you handing in your notice, IMHO. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I had basically the same problem seven years ago! Met OW over BBS (before Internet) and she was "Ideal" in every respect. To make a long story short read "Does anyone Know" in Other Topics or Prayer Requests (My Story). My best suggestion is DON'T LET IT GO ANY FARTHER!! I was lucky my wife kept me. PLEASE spare yourself the pain. It's not worth it, Believe me.

Me-H 49 W-40 M-17 OW-53
No Children
Affair 7 yrs
Never left home

this might apply:

notice the differences between your spouse & the OW. they could be opposites in certain (titillating) ways.

ladylike/tough
proper/casual
tall/short
domesticated/free-spirited
shy/outgoing, etc;

notice also characteristics that they share.

this may or may not aid your understanding of the attraction, but FWIW, I'd be very cautious about acting on it. Too costly.

Work on your marriage instead, mon!

Best Regards,