Hi everyone, Please bare with me I am new to this. I'm really confused and could really use some help. I am recently divorced (final Oct '04) after 12 1/2yrs of marriage. We just simply grew apart. I kept asking him to pay attention to me and my needs. Kept telling him I wasn't happy, we need to work on our relationship. He made every excuse to avoid it, not enough time, work, kids first, said I was making a bid deal out of nothing, etc etc. We lost that butterfly in the stomach feeling and it turned into more of a comfortable routine even though we faught all the time, it was predictable all the way down to the close of the arguments. They were never resolved just set aside to start again some other time. Anyway I was miserable, turning 30 spent almost half my life with this man and for what. He wasn't happy, I wasn't happy,I believe are kids knew it and they weren't happy either. I had left once before and threatened to 2 other times. This usually fixed things for a short while.But this time I filed for the big "D". It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like my life was ending yet a huge weight was lifted all at the same time. Since we seperated I met a another man. He is very sweet, honest, a positive influence. He has been very understanding through this whole D. He is very intuned to my emotional, mental and physical needs. He makes be feel like a wonderful person, like I really have purpose and like a winner not a failure, this is something I have been missing for a long time. My ex was always negative and found every opportunity to make me feel bad. Even with this I still thought about him through this entire seperation and 2nd guessed my decision to file. Sometimes we got a long so well, actually most of the time. Well we had a long conversation and he really wants to try again. Said he never stopped loving me, said he didn't realize things were that bad, didn't understand that I was that unhappy. He says he's the type of person that needs pushing and convincing, he said a good thump on the head to get his attention was all I needed to do. Insted I would get mad and give up so fast he thought it was just a mood and not really a major problem. He is right about the getting mad and just saying "whatever" I felt like if he really loved me I wouldn't have to beg him. He said he was surprised my the "D" papers, never saw it coming. He wants to start over, wants me to communicate better & he will try to be more attentive to my needs. My whole problem here is that I'm scared. I know I would have to leave my friend in order to really try but I'm so afraid it won't work and then I've lost a really great guy. I also don't want to hurt my friend, his wife left him for her ex so it would be really hard for him. My friends and family say I only think about my Ex because it's so recent and I haven't had time to date around much. Said I owe it to myself to see what's out there. What do you think? Part of me agrees but part of me says I owe it to myself and my children to try again w/ the ex. That small what if possiblity keeps coming up. In my perfect world my friend would leave me allowing me not to have to make that decision & I would devote all my time to my ex , we would fix our problems and live happily ever after with our two wonderful children. Only it's not a perfect world, so what do I do. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Tough position. First, this confirms to me how dangerous it is to become involved in another relationship when the first one isn't really over.

But that doesn't help you and the situation you're in.

Sure you might lose a really great guy if you give up your friend. But I'm afraid with you already having doubts, that you will always feel you left something 'undone' if you don't give your XH another try. And you have kids--unless your XH is a total loser of a father (and I didn't hear that in your post), your kids would be so much better off in an intact family.

And you have so many years with him. Seems such a shame to throw that away if there's a chance to keep it together--who knows what this new guy would be like 12 years down the road? Would you still have the "butterfly feeling" for him at that point?

The "butterfly feeling" (I may get 2x4'd from others for saying this) is just that...a 'feeling'. I'm not saying you shouldn't have strong feelings for a spouse, but loving someone is more than just a feeling. It's action, and commitment, too, even at times when the romantic feelings may have waned a bit.

Could you date your EX for a while on a trial basis...let him know you want to see if things really have changed? Get counseling together with a good marriage counselor. Maybe this is what it took for him to really see the light.

LL

Hi Lordslady, thanks for the advise. your right about him not being a complete loser of a father. He does love his kids very much and is still a very active part of their lives. He spoils them rotten but that hardly makes him bad. There's one thing I forgot to mention. My parents, mom to be exact. She is very upset with him and has been for some time. I don't want to disappoint her but on the other hand this is my life. My family has been through a lot lately, in July my brother, 27yrs old was in a motorcyle wreck he fought for his life for an entire month in trauma icu but didn't make it he passed Aug 21st. Our family is very close and when my ex didn't show for the funeral my mom was furious. Said she could never forgive him. He was a part of our family for 14yrs and he should have been there out of respect for my brother. I know part of the reason he didn't show was due to a conversation we had. I understand how my mom feels but is that enough reason to not try? He says he regrets not going to the funeral, and not being there for me more during his hospital stay.Kept saying he felt awkard. I understand that being that we were seperated. Although I still have strong feelings for him part of me hasn't gotten over all the anger from the past many years of argueing. Am I wrong to want to keep some contact with my friend just in case (like so many other times before) this doesn't work? Am I being selfish, or immoral?

needsadvice, I'd suggest making an appointment with Steve Harley. For your children's sake, as well as your own, I'd see if your marriage could be saved. Lordslady is right that butterflies are only a feeling, but their a GOOD feeling and your XH learning to meet your needs, and you his, could revive them, maybe not like when you first met, but you need to have some passion in your M.

My H left me for another woman, so I'm not the best one to give you advice. I'd suggest the GQII board or the recovery board to get opinions from those who have successfully tried again. Good luck!

needadvise,

Definitely try to save your relationship with your XH.

My XH left me for OW. I now realize all the things I did wrong in our relationship. I told my XH the same thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Said he never stopped loving me, said he didn't realize things were that bad, didn't understand that I was that unhappy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I could have had another chance to work on the things I needed to change. I've learned that my divorce was a test from God. Sometimes we get so comfortable where we're at that we take everything for granted and don't realize what we got until it's gone.

If you decide to work it out help him with the things that need to be changed. A lot of times in relationships we tend to just criticize and accuse each other. This gets us angry and we think that the other person is just being mean.

Stay away from your friend. If he is a real friend he will understand. Explain to him that you want to work things out with your XH. Do not feel sorry for him. I'm not trying to be mean but don't let that hold you back. Give your XH another chance. Let him try to fulfill the needs your friend is fulfilling. You may never know what could've been if you don't.

Focus on the good things your XH did, not the bad.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes we got a long so well, actually most of the time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is going to take you a long time to get over the 12 1/2 years together. This is your life not your families. You need to think of what is going to make you happy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My friends and family say I only think about my Ex because it's so recent and I haven't had time to date around much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes we need to chose the difficult path and not the easy one.

Needadvice--

Okay, Here is my suggestion--

your still in love with your ex-husband--is that FAIR to this new man in your life? trying to start a new relationship with him when you really love someone else??

If this other man is so great and wonderful--and loves you--then He will want what is best for you and your kids--even if it's not him--

I realize that you are scared things won't change,
that's actually pretty normal--so why not DATE your ex-husband? Lay out some boundaries about what you want and need in a relationship--ANY relationship not just if it's with Him--

I'd also suggest counseling--it doesn't even have to be marriage counseling--go to a marriage Seminiar together--

Date each other again--and IF you can work things out--and get back together--then make sure you have a scheduled date night--

Even if you begin to date your ex-husband again put some bedroom boundaries down there--as in NO, that won't happen at least for X number of months
so that you two can get to know to each other again--for who you are now--and not who you were before you got married the first time--

Kids and years of life experience have changed both of you--so take time to get to know each other now--for who you've become as adults--all grown with more experience--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needadvise 2confused:
<strong> Am I wrong to want to keep some contact with my friend just in case (like so many other times before) this doesn't work?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my humble opinion YES, that would be a mistake. I believe if you decide to do this then you need to fully commit and don't see how you could do that while holding on to your back up plan man.

I am going through the same thing. Now I left my wife of 21 years twice this year. The first time in October and then again this past November and I haven't been back.

Mine is a little more complicated because my wife has been sick for the most part of our marriage. I entered counseling and I was told I was ready for a life change wether I stayed or left. We fought much like you. I can see some of the same traits from our relationship in my daughter now. All I have to say is get help if you stay and learn how to talk things out.

Now about your friend.. Have you slept with him yet.. If so are you ready for the guilt? It will hit you like a rock in the head as things move along with your friend. Believe me, I met somebody that has showed me what I thought a relationship should be.. I know what I see is what I want in life.

I am much like your husband and would sacrafice myself for my daughter (19). I would even take care of my wife if she got sick. Heck I left the house with nothing but 4 u-haul boxes and slowly bought things.

The one thing I would have changed would have been to get counseling first. So I have been reading books now doing self examination. I have got to know if it was the marriage or me that caused all the arguing... You will wonder the same..

What will this do??? It will slowly drive you from your friend.. First time I went back I told my friend that I had to go back and close out 21 years.. When I went back my wife was on my butt the whole time I was there.. So I left again.. maybe to soon.. Now I am suffering. I have pretty much cut contact with my friend.. Except every so often..

She is stressed as much as I am.. I know she would make a good wife.. and I could love her for ever. We have been able to communicate..

I ask myself all the time.. Should I go back.. But it has taken me a long time to get where I am now..

Ask yourself this..

Did you try before when you left???

Did he???

What are you showing the kids??

Ask your friend for some time to do some self examination.. He should grant it to you if he really cares..

It is a hard choice ... I know I am living it.. My wife wsa on me all the time... But some times were good as well... But I want better...But can I get it back at home.. I don't know