Hello, this is just a general question not sure if it has been covered before. Me and a couple of people were riding home together and the topic came up about why do partners cheat. What drives them to other people. Just want to get some feed back.

In short - People are happy to spend time/money on nice cars, joining gyms/clubs but don't expect the same from a relationship - it takes work. You get slack & the emotional needs of one partner is not being met & usually there are friends/co-workers who start to fill the needs & that partner becomes vunerable & before you know it the person (not your partner) who doesn't have the extra work of kids, morgage/money stresses starts to look more inviting. Sounds unreal but it happens. If I wanted to explain it more it would take a few pages I'd say.

In a word: SELFISHNESS

Think about it. It's really at the root of all evil.

Bad personality trait. Poor moral values.

question: is a person with very few lovers in there past more or less likely to cheat than someone with many lovers in there past.

h

hol,
Dr. Harley says somewhere on this site that some people most vulnerable to affairs were the ones who didn't think it could ever happen to them.

So possibly MB education, and commitment to learning effective marriage skills would contribute more than # of past lovers.

He also said something about how he doesn't trust his wife and she doesn't trust him (not to have affair). I've taken this to mean that I should work on meeting emotional needs and no LB's with H daily. (easier said than done... but well worth all the work) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-bbs

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 01:03 AM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>

I am a WS in our married life of +27Y. I had EMS with 2 OWs ( absolutely casual in nature) many years back. I neither had nor have any contact / emotional relationship with these OWs. These were more of ONS.
About 17 months back was my D Day. And confided with my Wife about these incidents. Ever since our relationship has been like a roller coaster ride. My wife is unable to accept the betrayal and wants separation to start with and may be end the marriage.
Notwithstanding my these two EMS, I have strong conviction that I love my wife very dearly and I am repentent for my past behavors and have asked for her forgiveness. But she always counters saying that I chose to Break the vows and how can I say I love her if I could have EMS with others.
Can any one help me reveal this, as to why I indulged in such acts?
IMHO, these acts were not demonstrative of lack of love for my loving wife, but my lust for more SF outside our marriage. Any comments?
ASH
M-27. Me - WS(H) - 53, BS-52.
D-26 & S-22.

I am always amazed that something so bitterly complex as human motivation could be thought to boil down to some simple answer. You might as well ask the origin of the universe when you ask the motivation behind a single act.

Have you ever done something and not really known why? The reason is simple - there are lots of reasons. Subconsciously, there are plenty of reasons and then on the surface are the reasons that you use to justify the driving reasons beneath the surface.

Sometimes, a WS IS ignored by the BS nearly forcing the issue. Sometimes, an OP is inviting. Sometimes, it is just because they are bored. All of that and a bucket full more.

This is why I laugh at so much of pop psychology. How do you hope to condence such complexity into simplicity?

ash-

Not sure how much MB you know, so bear with me!

I would recommend that you read the website's Basic Concepts.

It sounds like you are trying to share some Radical Honesty with your wife (in basic concepts).

Honesty is a wonderful way to bridge the gap that could be between you and your wife, congrats for trying to solve and make your marriage a happy place.

Unfortunately, she's currently reeling from the fact that you had affairs.

Dr. Harley has a part of this website that has Audio files of a radio show that he did. Up at the top of the screen just hit "Radio." Those were very informative, also.

-blueberry

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>

Blueberry,

Thank you for posting. I have been visiting MB site for about a year. I have gone through most materials available here. Yes, I did open up to my wife which can be termed under the "Radical Honesty" clause.

My questions were something other than "Radical Honesty" issue or Fog etc.

I wanted to know why I cheated as I am still deeply in love with my wife?
Is it possible for someone to deeply love one's spouse and still cheat ( of course in the past)?

Given an option, I will never even think about cheating my wife. Hope I have clarified my questions. Thanks for inputs.

ASH
WS-53, BS-52. M-27+.
D-26 & S-22.