really do not now how to start have been married to a wonderful woman for 21 years and have k nown her for 26. .but i took all that and thru it away over the last 6 years by cheating on her with other woman not physically but emotionally on the internet and in person . she had left for 4 months and we talked of div, but when i filed she feel apart and we got togetrher to give it another try. have not been any other woman since but we have not had sex in almost 7 months. and because she tells me she is not in love with me any more. my wife tells me i am doing everything possable . but the other day she cam out and said she just can not open her heart and love me again so the div is on again but i do not want it am doing it just so she can have some love and happiness in her life please help.

Two years.

Dr Harley says give betrayed spouses two years to heal.
Welcome to MB, read all you can on the main site, be patient, be strong and look after her all you can.

God bless, R

thanks for the info it has been close to two years since the first time she left and can back . do not think it will be like this the sec. time the weird thing is that i really do want to stay she does not. thanks r

how do you move on and let your spouse go. all i want is for her to forgive me one last time i have really changed after she left but says she has no emotional love for me any more how can i get it back. please help

Show her over time!!! Go read about plan A. Write down what you want from Plan A. And live it!!!

dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks dawn for the info.

i do not think over time it will help. she does not have any pysical or emotional feelings for me. . i am deed in her heart and the marrage is totally broken beoned repair. for years though that if i gave her anything she wanted physical then everything would be o.k. and not bother her with the emothional items . but i needed more in the sexual area. and went out and had 15 emotional affairs it was never physical but still an affair. have gone thru marrage conceling and have learned to comunicate but it is to late. please help

Is she blocking you out because she's processing the pain you've cause, or has she really lost all love for you? Have you done the MB reading? You seem to be in a great hurry... you can't rebuild without a roadmap. Will she come here? It'll certainly help her understand the cause of the A and the emotions she is facing now.

thanks for the input ruffled. i do not now she keeps telling me she is not in love emotionally with me. i am not in any hurry i do not want the div, she does. will see if she will come here.

I am Lost's wife,,,first of all let me say that I have just about had it trying to defend myself, so if I sound short, I apologize in advance,,,,no matter what please know that I gave my marriage my EVERYTHING,,,I'm simply tired of being the bad guy,,,In response, I can say the following,,,

1) Lost is a wonderful, incredible, funny, talented human being,,,part of me will always love him,,sometimes I feel like there is this thin gossamer thread that will always bind us together,,,,in some ways, he was my soul mate,,, and losing him is the single most painful thing I have ever been through.

2)Having said that however,,,it's been TEN years OR MORE,,not six,,,,10 years in which there were over 15 women,,I can not even express the pain involved,,,I cant even express the heartache involved each and every time i discovered another woman (or set of women),,,,the number of times I phoned women, read emails, and sat up late at night, organizing proof, only to spend SIX HOURS or more having to PROVE to Lost that I knew what I knew,,,,,he lied excessively, even when lying wasnt a possibility any longer,,it got to the point that I literally thought I was losing my mind, and that I wasnt reading what I was reading. The only good it ever did was to teach Lost how to hide his cheating better,,,"oh she figured THAT out, so I'll do THIS next time"

3) Three marriage counselors, an unknown number of individual counsellors, and THIS PROGRAM, have been unable to restore either my faith in my husband or my faith in myself. How many times can you smash a china plate on the floor before you can no longer paste it together again, and have it be usable for what it was intended?

4) My children are ripped apart, they have been dealing with this for approximately 12 years. My oldest (now 19) used to find evidence that Daddy was not wherre he said he would be, and have to decide if she should bring it to me, or keep it secret. She was 7. My youngest (13) has known nothing else but that Daddy cheats on Mommy. I have taught my children (very successfully, in fact) that you let a man do anything to you, you let him hurt you and destroy you and cheat on you, and you just take it, because love is worth anything, any pain, any torment, any abuse,,,and now I have to live with that as I watch my children have relationships,,, and feel that guilt.

5) I have had to deal with the accute embarrassment of knowing that Lost told his girlfriend's that I was a drug abuser, whom he never knew if i would come home at night or not, and therefore he was forced to work nights so that he could care for his children during the day. LIE. I was working, and would come home at 5pm to care for the children so he could take a nap before going to work (he worked the night shift),,,,a nap he needed because he was NOT sleeping during the day as he should have been,,he was emailing, and phoning women.

6) As the marriage disintegrated before my eyes, as I forgave and forgave and forgave until forgiveness was no longer a precious gift, but an expectation, Lost became desperate that I not leave, and began to try and control me in any way he could,,,I was not allowed more than 5 dollars at a time or I might have enough to stockpile to leave,,,he stole my drivers licence so I couldn't hop on a plane to take a trip to visit a friend after her surgery,,,ad infintum.

7) I have been tested for sexually transmitted diseases roughly three times,,,,Lost SAYS there was no sex, and perhaps he is telling the truth, but I cant trust that,,,,,,and I wont sleep with him,,I cant. I will NEVER go through that embarrassment again.

8) I am not the same person I was,,,,,I will never again put so much of my happiness in another's hands,,,,,I will never again trust someone else's words MORE than I trust my own instincts when backed with a 100 lbs of proof,,,I will never again let anyone hurt me as Lost hurt me,,,,,,never. I cant be that person he wants,,that person that is so madly in love with him, that she would believe ANYTHING rather than lose him.

9) and finally,,,,its not all his fault,,and I know and admit this,,,,,,I taught him how to treat me,,,,,I let him do this to me,,,and I have far too much soul searching and learning about myself to do yet,,,,,WHY WHY WHY would I let ANYONE do this to me????? I am FAR more valuable than that. Just 2 weeks ago, I found more evidence that Lost was again seeing women,,,,,but he assures me that he only did that because he was hopeless about us,,,and I wonder,,,,after a couple years,,,,,if he could be so hopeless,,,how he'd feel after a dozen years??? Yet I'm supposed to forgive "just one more time"??? How many times have I heard that? Too many to count,,,,too many.

10) I firmly believe with everything in my soul, that Lost is a wonderful human being with an incredibly caustic problem,,,he's addicted to something,,,sex, love, romance, lying, I dont know,,,in my head I put a bandaid on his forhead and put him in the hospital,,,,i cant help him, and my guilt over that is tremendous,,,,but no longer enough to keep me any longer. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me,,,as he knows love. But this problem has destroyed us,,,it's bigger than him, and its bigger than me, and the tragedy of it is that its bigger than us together.

I apologize for the lenth,,,,,,H

CrushedHeart -- I always say, "there are TWO sides to every story".

You may want to research Narcissism/Narcissist -- sounds like there may be some traits there.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I would certainly recommend counselling to you BOTH (and not marriage counselling, but counselling for you both separately). Sounds like the kids would do well with it also. It's difficult when they are exposed to what they have been during their lives -- counselling may help with that so that they develop HEALTHY relationships.

The best to you both.

CrushedHeart,

Man oh man, Lost is surely lost and no were near as strong as you. He will be doomed in any relationship before it starts. MC is obviously out of the question and would be a big waste of time. You and your kids need to re-group, plan the rest of your lives and not look back. You seem to have clear vision of what needs to be done and I don't see how any more pain can come from Lost...he has "numbed" you and what he does no longer phases you. Get away from him and work on restoring YOUR life and family again. Personally, I have trouble dealing with just thinking my wife has had an affair and what I should do. If my wife was like Lost it would be oh so clear for me.

Good Luck Crushed

p.s. Lost!! give it up without a fight, don't cause new/more pain to this huge part of your life.

everything that crushed heart has said about me is true i do have a problem and am working on it but need her help and the help of the profesionall but how would you act if you now that all that you loved was falling apart in front of your eyes. am adicted to romance . i guess that it is time to let go and file the papers so that she can get on with her life and start to heal. . and get on with her life and happiness. and i need to get one with getting help. all my love and happiness crushed will be in love with you forever.

(((((((((((((((Crushed,))))))))))))))))))))

And I thought my story was bad!

Some of the posters here put up with unbelievably bad treatment and still keep on trying.

And surely people who experience ONE betrayal and cut the cord simply don't find MB and don't make the effort to restore after betrayal.

So we never hear from them. Their tolerance for betrayal is low indeed.

lostmylove46 is in true pain, no denying that. However, it's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility for finally pulling in your welcome mat. Good luck Crushed.

I hope lostmylove46 finds a strong therapist to help him work out his problems. It shouldn't be your job, you were married to him. Time for you to come down off the cross and live. And if you want to email me, try **edit**.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">everything that crushed heart has said about me is true i do have a problem and am working on it but need her help and the help of the profesionall but how would you act if you now that all that you loved was falling apart in front of your eyes. am adicted to romance . i guess that it is time to let go and file the papers so that she can get on with her life and start to heal. . and get on with her life and happiness. and i need to get one with getting help. all my love and happiness crushed will be in love with you forever.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lost my love,

I am assuming that this was posted while crushedheart was still logged on.

No, she cannot help you. It isn't her job to fix you. It is YOUR job.

Your history is beyond anything that I could ever recover from. So, I understand why crushedheart is taking the action that she is.

I am sure that her world was falling apart too...as you were going from OW to OW.

Crushedheart have every right to remove herself from this type of situation.

Work on yourself, get yourself right.

JMHO
committed

Yes, my husband didn't log me off before he responded (same computer, LOL),,,,,Please don't think there is no love or empathy for Lost,,,there is plenty,,,but right now my main concern has to be the children,,,,and myself,,, He is a tremendous human being in so many ways,,, but something is wrong inside his head, and I can no longer try to fix it,,,,and the pain is tremedous to both of us,,,especially still living in the same house,,,,leaving is like ripping limb from limb, and heart out of chest cavity,,,,sometimes I think the only thing i CAN do for Lost is to leave him,,,,,and maybe, someday, after therapy, he will be in a position to love SOMEONE again,,,,There's a song, and it goes something like "But most of all I wish you love,,,,",,,,i want so much that's good for Lost,,,,,but most of all I wish him love,,,H

Dear crushedheart,

I don't have any words of wisdom but I do understand your feelings.I would not ever take my WH back if he cheated on me again,after the first time.Of course I never got the chance the first time because decided to put the homewrecker first.You have been through this several times and that is brutal.Do not feel guilty at all for leaving.You can only change yourself and your WH has a serious problem that is ongoing.

I personally feel 100% better knowing I am letting MY WH go too to lead whatever life he wants but does not include me.And,being in my home with my two girls and my WH gone.I no longer can fight for something only I am invested in.It's so painful but it's over.

Please take care now.You will be ok.

O

Thank you all for your support,,,,and I hope you continue to support Lost,,,,he is truly a wonderful person who unfortunately lost everything to an addiction,,,much like an alcoholic,,,,it's simply a tragedy for all of us,,,I am 39 years old, and I have known him for 26 years (I married him at 18),,,He's a huge part of my life, and I will always treasure the good that was US for a while,,,I guess the moral of the story is that love is a living breathing thing,,it can be brutally murdered, it can smother, it can choke, it can die an agonizing death,,,,,or it can be nurtured, loved, honored, protected, and sustained,,,may you all have true love in your lives that is is sustained and sustains you,,,,,Holly

gut_rot

thanks for your input. is this how you handled what you went thru. you do not now me or the problems that i have. and maybe you gave up on your relationship. all i ever wanted for crushed was happiness and yes i did not give her that. i really believe that i can but she will never let me ishe will always be unaffraid that i will give her something. so i will get a lawyer as soon as i rec my taxes and give her the only thing that i have left the div. that she needs. and let her move to a place that i will never cause her any more pain. and she can be happy

my dearest crushed.

all that i ever wanted was to give you the world but in my mind i wanted more than i was willing to ask you to give. and that was wrong. and i will live with that forever. i will stop begining for you to forgive me for the 16th time and give you what you need. is to be away from me. and for you to be happy again with someone else . i thank all you guys for you input the good and bad. and will do what needs to be done for crushed and my kids. will keep in touch and let you all now how things are going. .

Unlike you lost I truly value what marriage stands for and what it entails. Betrayal of that commitment is the end point of that agreement (for me anyway), My problem is I can't prove it & that's almost just as bad.

You truly love Crushed and she deficiently loves you but you have destroyed the foundation of your relationship in the worst way and on many occasions. Your living on only friendship now because your both such a huge part of each others life...You can both survive on your own and it will be better for the both of you, especially Crushed, how she can take the hurt you have given her is beyond what I would be capable of and most other people....How people even get by it when it happens once is amazing in my mind and I wish I had that strength.

You didn't loose your love, you pushed it out to sea yourself.

This is just some guys opinion, I don't mean to offend you!

GR