I have been married about 5 years now, together for almost 9...we have no kids and in my late 20s. I am afraid I have ruined my life. We get along pretty well. We both work and make a good living.. don't have severe financial problems or anything. . no cheating. We share common values. . but our goals differ. As I approach 30.. I am thinking I want children.. he does not. He tells me he doesn't. He says he could change his mind, but he probably won't and has never felt the need for children. We we got together I didn't want children either.. but my mind is slowly changing. This is the main reason I am not sure if I should stay with him. In general we argue like most, we do get along well and have similar interests, but in the long run, I am not sure if we will see eye to eye. My parents are retiring soon and are buying a condo down south. He doesn't like the area they are going to be in and doesn't like travelling, so I would be going alone. He doesn't want to share a lot of experiences that are important to me. I want him to see where I grew up and he doesn't seem interested. I want to travel to Europe and he has no interest in that either. i don't want to be married and do things separately. We have been seeing a therapist and she says that we should see how things go and how things progress because I could change my mind and he could too. He is saying I am trying to make him someone he is not. I don't know what to do. He is a very negative person and I am just the opposite. The therapist said she thinks we are good for each and that we balance each other out, but it is exhausting living with someone who is always so negative. I can not stand it. I love to laugh and have a smile on my face and he always has to pick out the tiny part of what ever it is that is negative. In general is an ok husband.. I wouldn't say he is that great. he is lazy, unmotivated and thinks that his job is the main thing he has to do to keep our marriage going. He rarely helps with the house, doesn't do household things, like small construction things that I have to do, and in general sometime i feel like he acts like a tenant because its like he doesnt even care about the house we own. i feel like he takes me granted. I find it difficult to speak to him because he is always so defensive...his negativity brings me down. We love each other.. but is that enough? i don't know for sure if I want kids.. but should I wait until I am 35 ? Should I give this time? I feel like I might have chosen the wrong person to spend my life with. I am sick with misery because I am saddened that this my end.

Emma,

The picture you paint is pretty grim. Have you read the articles here? I hope that you do. I think part of this may be turning 30 for you and HIS fear of being a father and failing at it. You might want to approach it from that point of view.

This is NOT a marriage at all costs site. It does however offer ideas and concepts that can make a marriage better and more fulfilling for each of you.

I would like to recommend that you explore this site for awhile. It does not sound as if you want a divorce, yet your goals are important, and what you want from a marriage is NOT out of line. So try learning as much as you can here and put some of it into affect. I am guessing that you need to know the reasons for his lack of interest in children right now. It could be fear.

I was older than either of you when I married, and my loves to tell everyone about the delightful shade of green I turned when she informed me she was pregnant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I do recall worrying alot about how we could afford them, raise them, send them to college etc. It was a big fear that I would fail as a father. Many many years later, all three of them will be in college or graduate school next year and we have been married 28 years.

So work on this abit, and see if things can change . You cannot change him, but your actions and changes can modify his perceptions of things.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the advice. I am afraid of the future and maybe you are right about his fear. I will look around for more information and keep you informed. I do appreciate your advice. Thank you again

emma,

Look around, read the articles, and the posts here. Often what seems like a very dark situation can be turned around. I realize given what you have said most people would recommend that you leave him now. In the end that may be what you have to do.

However, you are both still young, very young by my scale <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , and many men don't really mature until about 30. You may actually have a keeper on your hands and don't know it. There has to be changes of that there is no doubt, but they are possible, so examine as many possiblities as you can.

As for his fear of having kids, don't bet against it. Do you know what many men fear? In addition to the responsibility of a child, they fear they will lose their W. And more do than you might imagine. Women often start to focus exclusively on the child thinking that is #1 priority in the family. It should not be. The spouse should remain number 1 because a loving family and close couple will nuture the child.

I'll be frank with you I never felt the NEED to be a father. I knew what I wanted to do in my career, I knew it satisfied me and that was cool. I have spent as much time with the kids as my W, especially as they got older and got into sports, scouts, and school activities. So the statement he made about "wanting" children may be accurate, but it may not mean what you think.

God Bless,

JL

EMMA,

Try to make him read Her Needs and His Needs book and might help you meet your needs to each other. Just hang in there and try not to do something you are going to regret later. Try to talk to him and let him know what is in your mind. Sometimes MANs need a little slap in the head to wake them up. I am still married and wife is divorcing me due to Infidelity reason. She wants to stay with her old Ex- Boy Friend and what else can I do, she told me she dont love me, its sucks. Well you are not alone feeling that way. Try to talk to him, let him know what you are feeling... sometimes it helps

And I have to share this:

I have friends (the guy was the best man at my wedding 20 years ago) that have been together forever! They are in their late 30's. They were actually both fairly terrified of having kids for years and thought we were nuts because we had ours so early, but in their case it was more his wife who was afraid than he was.

She didn't want to be pregnant, didn't want to go through delivery, and was afraid to be a mother--period. Apparently he was finally successful at convincing her that she'd regret not having at least one child, and they delivered a daughter a year ago, when the wife was 38 and husband was 37. They had been together 18 years.

Their lives have changed SO much that they are actually considering having another child now.

There is always hope. You just need to somehow work through why it is that he doesn't want children.

LL