Did you know it your heart it was time to file for divorce, how? How did you get yourself to follow through? How did you know the marriage was over?

I called an attorney friend yesterday and told him about my nightmare marriage. That there's been physical abuse, that I called the police a month ago even though it was a minor incident of pushing and slapping. Said I'd felt bad, should I help him get off, he's a banker, it'll effect his job. I said how this has gone on for three years, it's a cycle, verbal abuse, sometimes physical, make up (sorry, it'll never happen again, maybe a new counselor)... I told him all the awful things my husband said to him - I had a baby 9 months ago, moved right after, flew to another state monthly for my dying father, ran a business, set up a new house - and my husband kept saying I was lazy, I didn't do anything. He said I couldnt' run a business, I'm a bad mom, both of which I'm proud of being good at. They say controling abusive man do this to bring you down...

Our last fight was bad, he said he had a right to shut me up, if this is what it took. He said I wouldn't leave our 600k house as I had it made. By the end of the day (a slap the day before, pushing my office stuff around) and a few more slaps and shoves in our verbal argument, I warned him I'd call the police, take the baby, clean him out, and he didn't belive it. I did it. Three months before he put a handprint on my arm, my wrist hurt. I was going to divorce him, he begged, pleaded and cryed. I called an attorney who said I had no evidence, if it happened again to call the police.

So I could try to help my husband get off, as I feel bad that I yelled and really that day I did provoke, I was in his face. I'd had enough. He was charged high, I called the DA to lower the charges. The attorney said some minor charges had to still apply in case he fights me over custody of the baby, or he hurts me or the baby in the future. I have to cooperate with the DA, I'd considered not showing up, meaning they'd have no case and my husband would get off. The attorney also said if I knew in my heart I should divorce him, if this has gone on this long without him finding ways to change his anger, then now is the time to go to an attorney and at least set up legal custody for the baby. Especially with this over his head, court is in mid Feb, my husband pleaded not guilty and there's going to be a trial unless they lower the charge or let him off.

I can't quite get myself to call an attorney today, I had some hope for this marriage, but if you look at the history of it - even the attorney that i used to rent an office from was shocked at the comments and behavior of my husband, the meaness. Likely it's over. And if my husband lies to save his butt, which it appears he and the attorney are going to do (plus he lied to the police). Then what does it say of his character and values, which we all know are shallow. A counselor said look at his values in this, do I want my child raised around this?

Why is it so hard to let go of a marriage, even when it's been so awful. I'm alone in an apartment, left him five weeks ago. It's depressing, I"m 36, I hate the idea of starting over. But I guess the attorney is right, in my heart I know it's over. I can't go back to this home, he lived down the hallway despite that putting me in tears, he sat in the basement at night saying the baby was "my job" watching sports... he's been horrible to me, I guess by staying and moving out/returning so many times I've enabled him to get worse.

How do I make the first step?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is it so hard to let go of a marriage, even when it's been so awful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DENIAL!
Pick up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, and you will see your M. I think you've lived mine too.
I didn't have the sense to leave - I was in denial. Luckily X did leave and refused to seek counseling for the M. This was definitely best for me.
My counselor said I'd get divorced. I told her NO, I want my M. She was right. I am in a much better place today than 3 years ago. I can't even remember that woman in denial. God she must have been exhausted keeping all those balls in the air and trying to make believe it was a good M.

Abuse is never acceptable, verbal or otherwise. What if he turns on your baby? You'd never forgive yourself, right?

And what if it goes beyond a slap or a push? If he put you in the hospital, would you still stay? I'm not a big advocate of divorce and I don't mean to sound like I'm chastising you with a bunch of questions. But sometimes it's just time to go.

Best to you.

Horsey - I pondered this same ? for well over a year...Many people even on this board said it's time..At the least, go to Plan B..unfortunately that's not an option in my situation..

Finally, it came..the feeling of it's over, it's done...enough..it just hit me one day...Fog or no fog - you just realize they went too far..It doesn't matter exactly what happened that particular day - you mentally step off the rollercoaster. Believe me - there are people that after 1 indiscretion they walk, for some of us it takes alot more..In my case, it took alot..But first, before I stepped off - I became a strong women inside - I no longer allowed him to step into my space and hurt me w/verbal/mental abuse - I stood up for myself and know I won't back down. Actually, his actions caused me to become strong..and I'm a better person for it..

Good Luck - but, you'll know when your done..the tears will stop - what they do won't matter anymore..Only YOU will matter..I never thought I'd get here - but, I am and now it's too late to go back and try to "repair" the damage he's done. The option as I put it Is No Longer On The Table....I choose to remove the option Not Him..He doesn't have a right to make a choice anymore when it comes to me...

Horsey - I pondered this same ? for well over a year...Many people even on this board said it's time..At the least, go to Plan B..unfortunately that's not an option in my situation..

Finally, it came..the feeling of it's over, it's done...enough..it just hit me one day...Fog or no fog - you just realize they went too far..It doesn't matter exactly what happened that particular day - you mentally step off the rollercoaster. Believe me - there are people that after 1 indiscretion they walk, for some of us it takes alot more..In my case, it took alot..But first, before I stepped off - I became a strong women inside - I no longer allowed him to step into my space and hurt me w/verbal/mental abuse - I stood up for myself and know I won't back down. Actually, his actions caused me to become strong..and I'm a better person for it..

Good Luck - but, you'll know when your done..the tears will stop - what they do won't matter anymore..Only YOU will matter..I never thought I'd get here - but, I am and now it's too late to go back and try to "repair" the damage he's done. The option as I put it Is No Longer On The Table....I choose to remove the option Not Him..He doesn't have a right to make a choice anymore when it comes to me...