I finally did it, I took the step I needed to. I told the OM that my H has known about him and has for over a year and some months. Needless to say he didn't take it very well. My H said he was proud of me and I am proud of me. I'm really bad at linking threads so long story short~

I had an affair, got caught by my H he tried to reconcile, I did not. I am pregnant but do not know which one is the father, almost positive it's the H's but there is still a chance it's the OM's. The OM and I own a business togther so this has made it even harder. I am also now on meds for depression and in IC twice a week.

I'm not sure if I'v saved my marriage but I will continue to try the best I can.

The OM asked what about the baby, what if it's his and I said the H will make him responsible. Well I really would but you get the idea.

I feel like a weight has finally been lifted.

Why did I hurt that one man that loved me so much? Why didn't I listen to him then (my H). He even snickered after I told him and said I don't understand the order you do things in?

I feel great, hasn't been that way for a long time!

Thanks for listening~
Gotta Run~
SG

First off (((SG))), that's awesome that you were able to do that. As I read, one thing jumped out at me:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The OM asked what about the baby, what if it's his and I said the H will make him responsible. Well I really would but you get the idea.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">??? This confuses me and therefore I have to [censored]-u-me that it would confuse the other man. Though I'm sure not intentional, it sends the message that my husband is going to be the bad guy and not me. So don't blame me if you end up having to pay it's my husbands fault. Kind of like you not having to take responsibility for your actions if you get the idea.

Again, I think it's great that you told him.

Hi Bill~

I know I said my H would make him responsible but ultimately it would be me.

I know that if I would have said I will make you responsible he would have begged and pleaeded and cryed and said don't you love me etc., at least I think. And I was strong enough to let him know that my H knows and don't know how much more I could have handled. The xOM fears my H very much. And when the XOM asked the question he said and what is he(my H) going to do if the baby is his (xOM). So I answered I guess the best way I could.

My H and I are not really reconciling, Ok im trying he is not. But we are still very close. We are still married we just no longer have the intimacy and phtsical attachment to each other right now. Otherwise everything is still the same. We still take care of each other as though we were happily married.

I know this is only my first step in taking full accountablility for my actions.

SG

((SG))

“””And I was strong enough to let him know that my H knows and don't know how much more I could have handled.

I know this is only my first step in taking full accountability for my actions.”””

That’s awesome. And BTW GOOD FOR YOU. I’m being serious, good for you. Self-awareness is so very important. That you are now aware where your weakness and took steps is a good thing. And I also like your attitude about progressing to the level of taking full accountability and encourage you to continue doing so for even if it doesn’t heal your marriage, it’s a step that will work on healing you.

((Bill))

I have made alot of other steps towards accountablitiy too. I am the type of person that hopes if I ignore a situation long enough it will go away, which I tried but realized that wasn't going to happen.

I told my mom about the divorce, my unfaithfulness and the paternity, I told my aunts and uncles about the divorce and the unfaithfullness, as well as my brother and sister in law. As well as being totally honest with my therapist. My brother is my H's best friend so he actually knew through him but didn't let me know he knew. I finally admitted it.

I have to face what I fear in order to make the right steps to correct the dumb @ss decisions I make and so that I don't make them again.

I have actually no contact with the xOM in regards to friendly phone converstation, text messages or outside contact with teh exception of the business. And that is all the conversations are about. I basically run the business and he is only here occasionally so even physical contact is few and far between. All of our tenants have keys and so do our employees which at one time for obvious reasons they didn't. My H even has a key to the business now too.

I just miss him so much I know the steps I have to take are for myself, my better being but I hope that he sees how important he still is to me. I know forgiveness will take a long time but I will never stop showing him how much I regret the mistakes I've made and will NEVER let them happen again.

SG

Again, “applause” and good for you. I saw a sign the other day that said “Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.” Which I think is a great saying and it can actually fit quite well into your situation. You have no control over your husband. He is either going to forgive you or he won’t. He’ll either reconcile or he won’t. So your choice right now is to focus on “him and the marriage” or “yourself”. You are powerless of “him and your marriage”, you can however influence those things by continuing to work on yourself. And at the end of the day, no matter what else happens, you will be a better person.

Plus as unrealistic as it may sound, if you can get yourself to a place where you have no expectations of him and he exceeds that, how wonderful.

Bill~

I really like that saying. I think I need to say that to myself more often. It does "fit" my siuation.

Your right, "him & my marriage" or "myself". My choice is much clearler then it's been. I want so desperately for it to be him but I know it's me, and that your right it will roll over into him and our marriage. He tells me I need to work on me before I can work on anything else. Are you talking to him? Just kidding.

And I think that's a plan about the expectations I have from him. Thanks for the advice.

SG

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Saving Grace:
<strong> He tells me I need to work on me before I can work on anything else. Are you talking to him? Just kidding. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL... Well uhhhh, no. But all seriousness aside, I've often heard that being involved in an affair is similar to being an addict. I've never been in an affair but I am a recovering addict and can now see a lot of the similarities. That coupled with the fact that I am a certified graduate of the "School of Hard Knocks".

How do I get that certification? I have enough statistics under my belt to own the school.

You are right the affair was like an addiction. Everytime we'd walk away we'd come back. Or I would think its totally over and then bam, happens again.

Not this time. I was the one who finally walked away and for good. Yes I needed a little (ok BIG) push from the H but it's done. There is only the burden of the paternity now and the chances are really slim that they are the xOM.

I did worry for a bit that he might want to play daddy but my H is what this child needs as a father if he will accept him or her as that.

We'll see no expectations. My H is going to be there for the delivery but I will tell him that if he is uncomfortable with pictures then if the child is not his we will destroy them. But if he is the father I would not want him to miss out on this either, he would regret it as well I know.

IC said that would be a good idea.

SG