Long story short, about 2 yrs ago my W had an affair, after finding out this, she said she wanted to work it out, we went to marriage consueling and are still currently going, she has told me she just doesnt know if she still wants to work this out, and maybe wants a separation. All I wanted is my marriage, my family to stay together (we have 3 young children) but I'm to the point that I may want to leave. I've been trying my best to meet her needs but I guess I'm failing, but my needs are being met either. 1 problem is that we live in IL but home for me is CA. I'm all alone here, all my support is in CA, but my kids are here (IL), I can't afford to live here on my own with car payments,insurance,etc, but in CA I can stay with my dad, plus there's better job opportunities there. This is just tearing me up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by loco_al:
<strong> Long story short, about 2 yrs ago my W had an affair, after finding out this, she said she wanted to work it out, we went to marriage consueling and are still currently going, she has told me she just doesnt know if she still wants to work this out, and maybe wants a separation. All I wanted is my marriage, my family to stay together (we have 3 young children) but I'm to the point that I may want to leave. I've been trying my best to meet her needs but I guess I'm failing, but my needs are being met either. 1 problem is that we live in IL but home for me is CA. I'm all alone here, all my support is in CA, but my kids are here (IL), I can't afford to live here on my own with car payments,insurance,etc, but in CA I can stay with my dad, plus there's better job opportunities there. This is just tearing me up. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">al - I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like neither of you know how you want to proceed right now. One thing I had heard many years ago from someone was - Don't jump out of the ship while the storm is raging. Wait til calm waters.

Basically, don't make big decisions in the heat of the moment or you'll most likely regret it.

If you guys separated is she assuming she would keep the kids in IL?

Can you guys maybe communicate by writing out your feelings or emailing them if talking isn't working? Because honestly it doesn't sound like a winning move if you leave for CA but she gets physical custody of the kids. When would you see them?
I would maybe see if she would try a different therapist or try writing things out instead of argueing, or something!
If you go to CA you may regret it later I don't know. Just really think about it and try hard before checking out.

(Not that you haven't tried hard already, but apparently something still isn't working.)

Have you forgiven her for her A?

That is SO TOUGH! TRUST ME! I have to do it over again several times a day.

(My husband is still living with his girlfriend.)

Forgiving her doesn't mean that what she did was ok, it's not ok.

Forgiving just releases it off of your back and onto God's.

It's hard but we've gotta keep forgiving over and over or we'll never be free of the hurt from the A.

It's been said, Marriage isn't a 50/50. It's a 100/100.

Hope something helps.

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it. First off yes the kids would stay here with her in IL (they were all born here). She's also from here, her parents live just down the road, I love my family so much, and I know how I felt when my parents divorced. I'm not really sure whether I really have forgiven her. I understand that her needs weren't being met, but so weren't mine but anyways. If it wasn't for my wife and kids, I wouldnt be here. My family is in CA. I can go on and on about our problems. Only thing certain that we know is that we love each other. I guess love isn't enough.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: loco_al ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by loco_al:
<strong> I can go on and on about our problems.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure you can, as we all could when we are stuck in the muck. But why not take a break from them for a moment and focus on all the good things you have in your life. What are you grateful for today? Shift your focus, change your outlook, change your attitude. Take time to read through this site, impliment a Plan A. Work on the one thing you can control and that is you.