I want a divorce, every day I think about my marriage, the more hopeless it seems, the useless it seems to try. I'm at my wits end. See previous post under "Pre-marriage & Early years".

Since the revelations about the affair, I have forgiven him immediately, no problem. And I choose to move on with my life, however, I'm not moving on with him. I believe marrying me was a big mistake on his part. He wasn't ready, playing games, I don't know and I guess it really doesn't matter.

I don't trust him. He still hasn't come completely clean about the affair and any other relationships that I should have known about. He doesn't communicate affectively about his daily activities, upcoming schedules, etc. He wants me to act like I never found out and for us to be lovey dovey and I can't beeecccaaauuusse...the one thing that was so important to me in a relationship (whether it be marriage or not) was a faithful and honest man. Without that I was willing to be single and HAPPY for the rest of my life, no problem. He lead me to believe that he was something that he isn't.

Now I know that someone reading this is probably thinking that it is possible to still reconcile if two people are willing. Ok, even if he in his heart of hearts is "willing", he is in the navy between now and may 05 he will have 2 deployments (for 6 days and then 10 days)***he is currently on a 10-day deployment with 5 days left*** in May 05 he will be delployed over seas for 6 months.

To add insult to injury he is always saying how he will not be able to call or email, but he will when he can. Oh get this, on his current deployment he tells me not to expect much as far as communication, he tells me that he can't call when he is out to sea...well I have 2 car accidents and some other financial issues that need his imput and communication via email was getting very difficult it would have made things alot easier to have a quick conversation with him about these issues...well yesterday he tells me that maybe if I get a chance I could go by the exchange and pick up a calling card and he can call me on one of the sailor phones!!! So he knew all along that he could call and he choose not to, so I told him I wouldn't go and buy nothing...if talking to his wife was NOT important for the next 10 days then he could just wait it out!!

Hmmm. I'll go back and read your earlier posts. My STBX is a conflict avoider/ passive aggressive, and I see a lot of that in your description of your husband. Mine also lied and kept basic scheduling stuff from me as well. In the end, you want to say that you tried your best and tried everything you could think of before ending it. But only you can answer that.

thank you so much for your advice cyllanlisa!

I looked for your other post, but there was very little in that forum, did they purge it recently maybe?

How are things going for you now?

MY WH always gave me his weekly schedule - I'm doing this today, I have that on such and such a day...BUT..............It he left out the part about what day he was meeting his MOW..I assume now, the majority of his plans were lies. Meetings that didn't exist..places he had to go and never went or stayed 5 min, to run off with MOW.

Don't base everything on him telling you his schedule. I don't think most men like to get into the details for what they do all day. It's not like us women who give every detail of everyday.

I'm still pretty new at this forum. I'm not really sure how to make my previous post available in this forum. So I will try to give a summary into my situation.

We started dating 1/29/04 and got married 8/15/04. He is in the navy stationed in CA. After our wedding I relocated with my 2 children (from previous relationships) to CA. After a long-distance relationship we were now living together and that's when I found out about the affair. From 10/15/04 12/3 he went to NJ for training.

There were several signs of an affair the week before he left for NJ. Such as, not being as affectionate, not spending any time together before he left for 2 months, he paid 2 months ahead on a storage that he had in which I didn't have access to. My H who always gave me flowers and gifts for no reason didn't get anything for my b-day which was 10/24. The first week in NJ we barely talked. We even had sex less that week then we did the entire time that we had been married and even on a couple of occasions he refused me. Well that when the snooping began for me.

I got access to his cell phone bill online, I discovered 10/20/04 there was a call to a number in the SD area around 11:30pm his time that lasted for 58 minutes. I did a search of previous phone bills and this was the first appearance of the phone number. Now things were already becoming strained between us the week before he left. The 1st week he had gotten there things hadn’t gotten better we didn’t even have conversations that lasted more than a few minutes at a time. The cell phone bill proved that and now here pops up this number from nowhere. I first called the number and a woman answered and she denied knowing my H, told me that even though her H had was away in Italy she was happily M. I confronted him about it and he denied knowing her or making the call. Of course I didn’t believe him but after several days because it was just one phone call and I didn’t have any other proof I decided to let it ride until the next phone bill came out. Well low and behold the number was on there again especially the day that I confronted him, they had to collaborate their stories, and previous to that their was another number that drew my attention a cell phone number that I hadn’t notice before (because now my radar antennas are way up). But looking closer at the bills the cell phone number popped up the first time 8/6/04 (one week before we got married) and then again 10/06/04 (one week before he left for NJ) and between 10/06/04 and 10/25/04 (the day after I confronted him) the number was on there 14 times, 11 calls were made before he left SD. The new bill came out on 11/25/04 Thanksgiving Day. I called the cell phone number and a woman answer I just hung up. I asked him whose number was it he said that he didn’t remember. The next day I called the cell phone company and found out the billing name was the same billing name as the phone call for 58 minutes. I also got her address and paid her a visit on that Friday afternoon after work. I could tell by the look in her eye and the way that she said my name that she was lying and that she knew exactly who I was. I also called my H while she was standing in front of me and put her on the phone so that it would be no doubt that I knew what was going on and wasn’t going to stop until I got a confession.

Needless to say, he rode it out as long as he could then he started confessioning small parts of the truth in Nov. He would only tell enough to satisfy me and make the problem go away. He admitted having a sexual relationship with her ONLY previous to our marriage. Of course I don't believe that and this is why; If it was over when we got married then her number would have never have shown up on his cell phone bill after we got married.

Now there are several things that to note about our situation:

1) Before my husband and I got married, probably back in March 04 we began working on a Christian marriage counseling workbook. He had one and I had one and we completed it around June. We felt that this would be a great way of getting to know each other even if it the end result was not marriage. It was a great book that covered everything! The 1st chapter was communication; I’m uncertain about the order but then came religion, sex, family and children, roles of husband and wife, family relationships and history…etc. After each chapter was a contract that we agreed to and signed of things that we would also honor and commit to do in our marriage.

2) We have and continue to have a great sex life.

My husband decieved me, I feel like he tricked me into marriage. He knew that if I knew the truth about him I would not have married him in a million years.

There was absolutely no reason for my husband to cheat on me before we were married or after. Heck, we hadn't even been together long enough to
have any serious problems in our marriage. This should be our best years...what do I have to look forward to? A cheating and lieing husband. And because he is in the Navy for the next 2 1/2 yrs he has plenty of excuses and opportunity. My love for him is barely worth taking note. I'm numbed because this has happened to me SOOO many times before. I have never been with a man that has been faithful to me.

I want a divorce so bad. I'm stuck, my religion tells me that divorce is not permitted unless there is adultry. But I don't have the proof, yet. I feel like a sitting duck. I won't be able to live with myself if I walk away and don't know for certain.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>

cyllanlisa

Things are going no where. He is out to sea for 5 days. He is taking 2 online college classes. We are going about our daily routines and not taking out anytime to work on our problems.

I told him that I'm not IN love with him. But there is the love that I have for him in a Godly way. I made a commitment to him that I intend on keeping, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health until death do us part or until he leaves. I will always be by his side as his wife as long as he is my husband and I will accept him the way that he is...the good, bad and the ugly and I will try not judge nor condem him.

This is for anyone reading this.
Question:
How would you handle working on our situation? He says that he is willing and loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me.

Today I talked with the W of the minister that married us. I toiled over making that call. I didn't want to make my H look bad, because the minister was my H's friend. But I felt so helpless this morning and I really need some Godly encouragement from an older married woman. The good news is, Wow did it help! The bad news is, she confirmed what I already knew in my spirit and that was that at this point I don't have grounds for a divorce because from what I've been told of the A, it took place before we got married and end when we got married.

Last night it was bad. After trying talk to him about our problems, he totally went off the handle, I just sat there balling <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . He spoke over me whenever I tried to say something then when he was done he left the room. Afterwards, I told him that I wanted a divorce <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

This is what is beginning to happen, as a result of the affair, he started flipping the script by saying things like: our M is not going to work b/c I don't trust him (as if I don't have any reason NOT to trust him!) or he feels like, I think that there is nothing that I can do wrong to him its like him having the A gives me freebie cards to do whatever I want and he should be ok with it, b/c after all he was the one who cheated......WRONG....I don't feel this way.

Is there anyone out there with a cheating spouse that have had this happened to them?

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>

Gosh! I would check out all the stuff on the site and perhaps get the books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

I would also post on the General Questions II Board -- they would have a lot more specific advise on things you can do ie Plan A/Plan B/ exposure, etc.

Sounds like he is having an ongoing affair, that sucks - I am sorry.