I've cautiously gotten my feet wet, just a bit. Here's what I'm finding. At the risk of sounding negative and cynical, nevertheless, these things are in spades it seems. So I'm gonna take a risk here & spell out a mostly negative-oriented post. If you would, view this is sort of a "Reality Check" for myself. Cause we all get such Rose-colored glasses on and kindof go weak in the knees when it comes to finding that proverbial "SOUL MATE"!!! (everyone's looking for that these days -- hehehehehe)

1. It ain't the same now as when I was 20 something. Dating is waaaaayyyy different.

2. The Internet dating thing makes life much more complicated, although it brings others into reach...sortof.

3. Long Distance dating is truly difficult.

4. The pool of selection (even with the I'net) is MUCH more limited than in my 20s.

5. I'm basically looking at folks with lots of baggage no matter what. Families to blend. Careers to address. Moving for someone. Kids that don't like you or vice versa. X's to deal with. Trauma they've been through that is often times devastating.

6. There are LOTS of wounded folks out there.

7. There are plenty that should NOT be dating at all.

8. Lots of men that are dating are quite dishonest! (from the stories I'm hearing from women). To be fair, I've had some lies told to me by a few women too!! I.E., dishonesty is in regular supply in the divorced & dating world it appears == "Buyer Beware"!

9. The ones who are single, never married, and 30 something or older (really hate to stereotype), but so far in my investigation, there's a REASON they're still single!!! I.E., these aren't "pick of the litter" life partners for various reasons that come to light as you dialogue with them! This is not to say that there won't be a single, never married worth finding, but thus far.....

10. There are TONS of foreigners who want to find an "Import Spouse" in order to come to the USA!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

11. There are many "Hummingbird daters or Turbo daters, etc" who are in it for a quickie physical fix....this is true especially of men, but these days also women.

So, like I said, view this as a personal reality check. LOTS of SHARKS in these dating waters!!! DANGER!!!! What's a person to do?

For me, it's all going back to a refocusing of my attention on God. Only He can safely guide me through the pitfalls of trying to start another relationship. Only He already knows the name & address of the one I'm best suited for. I think my job is to just stay close enough to Him that I can hear Him when He points her out to me & me to her! And if God wants me to remain single, then I ought to be content in whatever circumstances He places me.

After all, there are worst things than being single! --> Being UNhappily married is one of them.

Thx for listening. I needed to write this out for myself to see.

High Flight

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> *sigh*

Unfortunately if you look at the church the divorce stats aren't any better.

I just don't know HF. Then for single parents like me you have to factor in that dimension too.

*sigh* So, do I just somehow try to resign myself to being a single mom forever?

It's not that I NEED a relationship. I just missed out on so much with my husband that I don't want to live the rest of my younger years and not get to experience the things I really want to experience.

I'm scared to even think about being put back in the "dating pool"..Luckily, I don't have any baggage - well, not physical just deep emotional scars..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lots of men that are dating are quite dishonest! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH is in that group...In a years time I have found out about 8 different women - (wonder how many I don't know about) mostly married that he's been with..THey know he's married - but he like many others give a line of bullsh** that justifies his cheating or "dating" them..

What I don't understand is why oh why - do MOW or OW settle for a MM??? No matter his excuse for cheating.. I guess if you lower your standards/morals about dating you won't have any problem hooking up w/someone..You are limiting your dating potential by tossing out the MM..Just think - if you add them in there are tons of potential "soulmates" out there..PLEASE....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After all, there are worst things than being single! --> Being UNhappily married is one of them. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got girl..believe me I don't want to start looking - but, what do I have right now..NOTHING..I have a WH who slams me to every trap he meets to get them to sleep w/him..I think if he truly were single he'd be "dating" less. Though, with his $$$ alot of women find that VERY ATTRACTIVE...They just better not look into the real type of man he is/isn't..THey won't like what they find..

Get the book - What Smart Women Know..It will help you weed out the losers..will help you from making the same mistake twice..or more..THough, it will lower the potential number of men dramatically. Work on yourself..be the type of person someone WANTS to be with..that will help keep the losers away..they don't want a strong independant women - they want a weakling they can prey on..

Just be very careful - there are many deceptive men other there - I bet all the OW my WH is dating think he's only dating them..Since he stopped wearing his wedding ring - he may be telling them he's already filed for D..Which he hasn't...But, they dont' know that..

Good Luck - I don't look forward to it either..especially since I'll be alot smarter/picker the next time around..

Well, HF, your report is mostly what I thought, but unfortunately what I hate to hear...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are many "Hummingbird daters or Turbo daters, etc" who are in it for a quickie physical fix....this is true especially of men, but these days also women.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sunk right from the start. I don't plan on quickie SF. I don't even plan on SF at all before I'm married. That'll weed out just about everyone!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm basically looking at folks with lots of baggage no matter what. Families to blend. Careers to address. Moving for someone. Kids that don't like you or vice versa. X's to deal with. Trauma they've been through that is often times devastating.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And if the first comment doesn't weed 'em out, the "baggage" I carry will. I have q full set of luggage: a family to blend with a very difficult teenager (I do think infants and small children are the best age to have when going back into the dating game--they adapt easily), I'm NOT moving out of my city (I just landed the job at a newly-opening upscale retirement community that I've been seeking since the place was being developed and am leaving my company of 19 years to take it. I'm NOT job hunting again!), physical baggage (some major imperfections), emotional baggage (the first time I so much as sense a lie, I will be long gone!), and though I am very happy with it, "spiritual baggage" to a lot of people (I have very strong biblical convictions and believe that while God knows we're not perfect, he wants us to strive to live that way--not just to go do whatever we want under the "I'm human" excuse!!).

Hmmmm. I just joined Netflix a couple nights ago. They have something like 20,000 selections, I can rent on-line, and I only have to walk as far as my mailbox on my curb to pick up and drop off my movies. That ought'a keep a single girl busy for quite a while, I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

When I was 28 and very cynically dating I told my old aunt at the cabin one day... there's just no good men out there. Always an optimist she told me, "there's just as many good women as men out there, you just have to find them..." I hope it's true. I didnt' marry until I was 32 years old, I made a mistake, I knew it was wrong, I got tired of waiting for the right one and was worried about the 30 thing.

Recently separated I'm to wary of "what's out there" - I did my night of searching singles sites out of curiosity, almost made me go running back to my husband. Is it easier to fix a bad marriage or go out in that "mess"? I thought most men looked wierd, said wierd things, claimed to be so great even if divorced... I'd like to think there are people out there who are divorced, who are hurt, who would like to do it differently in their next marriage. Sometimes they will too, learn from their mistakes. But so many just move on directly to the next relationship and marriage, especially men.

So we on this site can't be the only "normal" ones that'll come out of divorces right? Yes, it's going to be different then in the 20s, when everyone was dating, and most without so much baggage. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for dating myself, I started emailing a guy from a singles site and quit. I'm separated, it's not right. I told him so, he said his divorce was easy, thought it was no big deal, but no way am I ready. Too I'm suspicious of everyone, including a friend who said I'd sure like to take you out... really he's just a friend, always been just a friend and it steams me.

We are vulnerable right now. People can see that. We have to be careful. It's easy to jump in. They say divorce rates are even higher in the second marriage, I wonder if part is because you want a relationship so bad, that it's so lonely, that you rush into the next one? I can picture myself being single a very long time. I think I'm going to learn from this mess and I won't marry again unless I'm totally sure....

HighFlight,

did you expect differently?

simple logic and thought gets you to your point. . .

the best hope is to undergo a ton of relationship education and training to be able to spot a good possibility who is most likely divorced from a not so good possibility. ..

the other is to have fun and just grow independent. the sex part sux with this route, but its pretty much free of lots of complications.

wiftty

He he he...High Flight I hear ya. And wifty you're on target too...

However, I caution the "separateds" out here who are jumping in b/c your feelings will change a whole lot after the d is finalized and you get thru some more of this and have a bit more clarity...right now it's painful and compared to a dying marriage, anything has gotta look better. I can sympathize...I really can.

Let's see...Peachy's dating files...this week had 2 dates and an ice storm. First guy is newly divorced but did not tell me..thought it was longer...met him from online. Was attractive and seemed grounded...but that was BEFORE the date. When I met him at the restaurant, he was well...much too flashy for me. He reminded me of my xh right away...and when he talked to me earlier, he seemed like anything but. And this gets creepy ok? When he smiled, he visibly had either his teeth all capped or all super bleached out by a dentist. His hair was a bit too long on top for me and he looked like he went to a salon. When he crossed his arms on the table, I saw the bejeweled watch on his hand and wanted to RUN for the door. He was ok and fairly nice...but he didn't look at me like somebody I could connect with...he REEKED OF TURBO DATER AND POSSIBLY GUY WHO WAS A WAYWARD WANNA BE AND WANTED TO GET WELL...I won't say that here. AFterward, he said he wanted to go to a nightspot nearby b/c they had acoustic music there. I said I'd follow him and only stay briefly b/c I had an early day the next day (excuse). During the time we were there, the guy was completely scoping the place out. He was 40 and the girls were my age or younger. He was eyeing everyting that walked by. I immediately had flashes of the xh. It was not good. He asked if I wanted to do something later and I said I wasn't sure. We talked on friday morning and he said "sure I want to see you again, but I gotta be honest...I met another girl last saturday night online, and we've had really good chemistry too..so I'd like to continue seeing you BOTH." My opinion had already formed of him the previous night and now, after much life experience with a guy like this, said with ease..."I don't think there's room for me in this. Maybe it would be better if you just saw her and we can leave it at that. I am a simple girl and want a guy who wants one person. I don't think we're on the same page here and if you were honest, I don't think you've had enought ime to work on yourself after your divorce and may need some alone time...Jumping doesn't do anything." End of that. Last night in the ice, had dinner date for fourth time with guy I met from starbucks a month and a half ago. And I have come to conclusion that he's a great guy. Very nice. And I likehim. But no sparks. He kissed me goodnight last night and I slipped and slided up the driveway. Alas, he's sweet and nice, but I am still keeping all options open.

What I have learned is:
1)lots of turbo daters out there in their 30's and up. Why? Their biological clocks are tickin and tickin and tickin.
2)lots of predators out there. Met one thursday evening. My analogy to him being at the nightspot with lots of girls, attractive ones (and I was just as attractive) is like tossing chum into the water and seeing one great white circling about...I love Jimmy Buffet and kept hearing the song "fins" in my head during the brief time at the place with that guy...
3)many newly single out there are looking either for sex or they are wanting a bandaid.
4) Here's where I break from HIgh Flight though...and this is POSITIVE. There are alot of older guys and some older girls out ther (30's and up) who because of seeking advanced degrees are still single. Nothing wrong with them except they may have a slightly bigger brain than some of us.
5)You probably will have to meet alot of frogs or frogettes to find a good one. Yea, maybe I set my own bar way too high. But that's my perogative. Life as a divorced adult in your 30's is not like life in your 20's when you went to a college frat party. I never had to blink to meet somebody I liked. But that was then. And yes, life was much simpler.
6)My final theory on this:You should just face the world with your eyes up, attitude good, and ready to take on the world. Become happy with yourself. Find sometimes that a saturday night alone is a GOOD think as long as there's a fireplace and a good book and some herb tea. When you are right with God, accept yourself, and work on yourself and your shortcomings and toss to the curb your baggage as best you can, you will naturally be attractive. Rest is a matter of time. Don't force it or it will not work.

As for the rest of my sordid dating life? Swissboy is not on my good list. When he casually called after five days of again not hearing from him and getting a lame story about how he had the flu and a 103 degree temperature, I asked him "oh my goodness...you didn't suffer any permanent damage to your brain with a prolonged fever like that did you? I am glad you're better, but something's not adding up. When you can level with me and be honest about you, your intent, and what's going on in your life, we'll talk. Until then, I guess it's just until then." So I dumped him yet once more. And (giggle) the end of feb., (week of 26th) my xcollege bf is coming in town for a week on business..one I saw over thanksgiving. He is charming, still darn cute, and we're still very good friends. Right now he's at the x games in aspen. We have 2 dates scheduled for the weekend when my son is with x.

I am not putting any pressure on myself. Don't give yourself pressure. And for goodness sakes, if you're separated, wait until you're healed as good as can be and healthy before venturing out there in the dating waters seeing fins to the left...and fins to the right...

Jimmy's song is soo right on target.

Now I'm sure I don't want to get married again. I think I'll just try to find friends to do things with - who share my interests - and make NO attempt at anything else. If I meet someone, fine - but he can live in his house and I'll live in mine: ALONE. Dating only - NO marriage. After two failed marriages, I'm having a hard time imagining what would make it worth doing again. Or what would make putting lots of effort into a relationship worth the effort. Maybe I'll change my MB name to "Cynic"!

As a guy I've met my fair share of people too after trying out the dating scene. Things arent too different from years ago though, except folks are older & have jobs..haha I guess my experiences are different from other people though. I didnt date at all when in college....I had school work & wanted to get into grad school. So I am kind of reconnecting with the dating scene I never really experienced. Ive met some odd women though...younger than 30 too. I met one (29) that had a 7 year old & a 8 month old. SHe had been married once before & was currently going thru a divorce. I didnt know she was going thru all that at the time..she filed for divorce. I thought it was odd for someone who had a 8 month old baby & who was just separated to want to date. After talking to her & finally meeting her...I knew why. She wanted a band-aid I suppose. I decided that we should just be friends. She didnt like that at all. She wanted a 'man' to go on dates with, hold hands, kiss, etc. She also admitted to me that she wanted me for SF. I was shocked & kinda sad after hearing that.
I've learned that there are both men & women out there that should not be dating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong> HighFlight,

did you expect differently?

simple logic and thought gets you to your point. . .

the best hope is to undergo a ton of relationship education and training to be able to spot a good possibility who is most likely divorced from a not so good possibility. ..

the other is to have fun and just grow independent. the sex part sux with this route, but its pretty much free of lots of complications.

wiftty </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wiftty ~ Succinctly well said!! I do agree with ya.

Nope, didn't expect differently. But like I said, the ole romantic rose colored glasses just have a way of spawning images of bliss.....you know.....lived happily ever after made for TV type stuff! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm a romantic dreamer. There! I admitted it!! That's my passion coming out. I wish, I wish, I WISH!!! Can't help it.

But, thank God, I'm pragmatic too.

Forward! That's all we can do. Forward with wisdom. And for me, much Prayer! Maybe, just maybe.....there's a "Good Possibility" still out there for me who's divorced from an "IMpossibility"!!!!

High Flight

There's some good Christian books about dating, and about safe people out there, maybe it's true, a little education.

Yes, there are a lot of wackos in the world.

But still I think there are as many good men as women.

Morals have gone to hell, dating has always been on the sleazy side, even in my 20s I had a hard time meeting nice men.

I don't know that it'll change much in the 30s, I don't know if most people have even grown up.

Is single again better then a bad marriage? I'm having to agree on that one, even my separated state. I have peace.

No one will take my peace away... if I marry again it'll be a kind, gentle person, someone who really cares, who isn't out to hurt me.

Well, that's what I thought. I cruised through match.com for fun the other night. Now, that's a hoot and a half! Half the men in my target age range listed drinking as a hobbie they enjoyed. LOL. I forget some of the other red flags I saw.

Any time I think I should speed the divorce in order to date, I'm going straight to that site and reading through the prospects.

Meanwhile, I was studying at Applebee's on Tuesday. A gentleman struck up a conversation with me. He was a gentleman. His coworker appeared a gentleman. I gave them each a biz card because I NEED A JOB! Anyway, the gentleman left. His coworker remained for a little while, then passed me back my card as he left. No biggie. He was in IT. I do marketing. Then, I notice that the guy had written a number on the back. Three digits. Yep. It was his hotel room!

Ick. Gross. Disgusting!

And totally uncalled for. Nothing in our brief conversation would have led any man to believe I wanted to have sex with him. Yuck. Double yuck.

I was wearing a turtleneck!

I really like men. But this one should be placed in a barn yard.

I agree, browsing sites like match.com and cupid.com can be VERY entertaining (although disheartining, too). I don't think I've seen one single guy I'd be interested in dating on either of those sites (and they don't see me, because I don't have a profile--I just get on and browse for the heck of it every now and then).

I just don't want a guy whose favorite thing to do is party, or go to bars, or party, or drink, or party--did I mention party? And there are some whose profiles just scream "I'm married and just wanting to play around".

If I ever join the dating world again, it most likely will be via internet, but I'll probably spend the bucks and join eharmony.com. The price for that one should hopefully weed out the sleezes who are just looking for a little fun on the side.

LL

Honestly, I'm married.

I could say I'm still married, but married is married.

But, I think if I were divorced, I would be looking for women to punish for awhile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OK, that doesn't sound good. What I mean is that I would be so alert for the first sign of <the long list of things my w did to me> so that I would have the pleasure of dumping them.

Conclusion?

If I D, it will be long time before I'm ready to date.

Just my POV right now.

I would say "sorry, ladies", but I know none of them are holding their breath anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm laughing at myself now.

If I D, I think I'll try to be happy alone.

-AD

See my sig.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Proverbs 21:9
<strong>It's better to stay outside
on the roof of your house
than to live inside
with a nagging wife. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

You are not furthering my hope in the dating world...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

LL,

C'mon, nobody wants me anyway. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm ok with that. I'm sure if you met me, you'd be OK with it too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously, did you read Peachy's post - about the guy with the flashy watch? She dumped/skipped him because it reminded her of her ex. It's only natural.

-AD

... maybe I should change my MB handle to "RoofSitter".

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I just had a brainstorm!! E-Harmony arose out of that fellow's marriage counseling business I think I recall reading. Maybe we should start a MB-Harmony dating site!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Think of it! You could be sure that the one you were dating was absolutely aware of the same married life principles you were. I mean the ole POJA would certainly be in effect right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

All teasing aside, I surely hope that whomever the good Lord leads across my path will have the willingness to align themselves with the MB concepts. I will NOT marry someone who doesn't.

Another wild thought. Why can't we just hook up all the loser X-wayward spouses we've all grown to know and NOT love!??? I mean think of it. My sleep-around, homewrecking x-WW is PERFECT for so many of your X-Sleazball WasBands ladies!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> They could keep each other up all night wondering who was going to have the next affair?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sigh!!!!!
High Flight

High Flight, I'll volunteer my H to anyone who's willing to give him a good home. Okay, how about a decent home? He's not ex yet, but still heading that way. I'm not out for blood so he won't be hampered by an emormouse child support payment.

He's good looking in the rugged outdoors way.

I bet we could charge at least as much as e=harmony for any ex-spouse who wants to set up his/her ex. It would be fun.

We may have to get a separate web site though. Or do you think Magnolia will look the other way?

Oh, and AD, we ALL want you bad. Real bad. LOL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong>Seriously, did you read Peachy's post - about the guy with the flashy watch? She dumped/skipped him because it reminded her of her ex. It's only natural.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup! I have the distinction of TWO failed marriages. In both cases, my H's name was the same as someone else I'd dated that also didn't work out. So, you can imagine, I'm building a list of names to avoid! Got a list of two so far... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For me, it's all going back to a refocusing of my attention on God. Only He can safely guide me through the pitfalls of trying to start another relationship. Only He already knows the name & address of the one I'm best suited for. I think my job is to just stay close enough to Him that I can hear Him when He points her out to me & me to her! And if God wants me to remain single, then I ought to be content in whatever circumstances He places me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably the best thing said on this thread!!!!

Sometimes it's hard to trust and wait, patience isn't easy!!! But I am trying!!!! The Lord will provide!!! Or so I hope!!! But I am ok with being single. I just keep thinking that wow I lost 120lbs for what!! And then I remember "oh yeah for my health".

I just keep smiling as it makes those around me wonder!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />