Married for 14 years, many previous problems, 3 kids, my wife is emotionally untied to me (for all the reasons discussed in this site), I want to do the things to make her happy, I can’t seem to get her to start the process of healing or working on saving the marriage. We are separated for a short time, planning to get back together and go to counseling. She says my feelings of optimism and hers are very different. She says she has to make a good decision for her happiness. I hope and pray that the family stays together and my wonderful wife can be extremely happy. I haven’t been able to do the things to give her happiness or paid attention in the past. It’s like a brick hit me in the head, I know if we stay together, I will be the great husband I’ve never been and change my priorities for her and the family. I only hope she can allow herself to start letting me back into her emotional realm. I love her with all of my heart.

Any suggestions on saving this marriage?

only that you change the "if we stay together, I'll be the great husband" to "I'm starting to be the great husband she wants today, even though she's undecided."

What are you doing differently now that will allow you to attend to her happiness? You said, "I haven't been able to give her happiness." Why weren't you?

The marriage started off with great love but also had some big problems. Trust and lack of attention. Eventually this caused an affair, then suspicions, then the truth, then hurt and coldness, then we are to now.

This all played out over a long time. We are at the point to where we want to erase all the mistakes and start over, but not sure how. At this point I want it badly and she's 50-50.

Things I'm doing differently. I'm giving her attention, listening, helping around the house; mainly I'm showing her that I love her and respect her.