Support group for women who just separated from husbands... Here is is, there seems to be a lot of us who left our husbands in the last month or two. How about helping each other figure this out here? It's hard being alone, decided to reconcile or divorce. Why did you leave? Are you considering returning? Do you have children? How are you coping? Let's keep this one going for awhile...

Hi Horsey,

I'll bite. My H and I separated initially last August. I had a 4 mo EA/PA that ended in May 2003. I confessed to him in July of 2003, and embarked on a Plan A. I suppose we tried to recover, but he wasn't able to trust/respect me again. We moved back in together for a week at the beginning of September, and realized that his old patterns (verbal and emotional abuse) resurfaced. I told him I couldn't stay - allowing those patterns were one way I contributed to the vulnerability of the M, and I wouldn't do it again.

Shortly after I moved out a second time, I discovered an EA my H was having. I knee jerked, filed for D, and implemented plan B. As of today, he is no longer with OW, but does not see that he did anything wrong, has not addressed his tendencies for abuse, and is drinking heavily (every night).

Where are we now? Who knows. We have no children, and he has called me a few times in the past month when he has been drinking. He called me last night, and when I returned his call, he was angry.

There are too many issues that have not been addressed in our M to reconcile, yet I still love him, and have not been able to take that last step. I have called to meet with him today, to reimplement plan B and reset the boundaries.

So, that's where I am. 29 y/o, working on myself, trying to A-proof me ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> because I didn't do a good job before), and doing my best to learn from all this.

Good luck to everybody in this sitch!

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

Do you think he's an alcoholic, or just drinking a lot in relation to your problems? I never thought of my husband as one, but people have said that the drinking might be the underlying cause of many of our problems. He drinks every night and I have a feeling when I've talked to him since I've been gone he's been drinking more.

I'll join in here...

Was going to post a new thread, but might as well post here.

Fogman, my STBXWH has tortured me long enough with his A plus physical/verbal abuse plus drug addiction, so I reached the end of my Plan A rope earlier this month.

He attacked me and the baby for the last time.

I called the cops, got a restraining order (RO)that night with full custody of the kids. He went to jail briefly. People who I really thought were my friends bailed him out.

I filed for a D exactly a week later.

RO was made "final" (for one year) last Tuesday. He is only allowed supervised visits with the older boys. He is not allowed any contact with me or baby.

He was wearing his wedding ring for some odd reason on Tuesday. He hasn't worn it since last April.

He came with a sheriff to get his stuff on Friday. It was so awful. He was a complete jerk, complaining how he doesn't have any money, that his car wouldn't start, blah blah blah. He left an old Valentine's Day card from me sitting out in front of the computer so I was sure to see it. Not sure what that was supoosed to accomplish.

I cried a little out of sight while he loaded up his stuff.

Not sure what I was crying for. He has completely ruined my life and devastated the kids. He told me he's going back to the OW in Maine. She can have him. I truly tried EVERYTHING to save my M.

He's still in Vermont.

Just more mind games, nothing more.

At first I felt really horrible for about 2 weeks. My parents came to help with the kids. Any thought or hint of contact with him made me feel sick. That is getting much better. Thank you God for the restraining order. Otherwise, he would continue to be a selfish obnoxious jerk.

I've lost some friends that I really didn't think I would EVER lose. I'm coming to terms with this. They didn't have to live with him, and he is very slick at placing blame on me for everything he does. He is one sick Fogman! Why didn't I see this before? I always knew he wasn't treating me with respect, but I put up with it for 20 years. The A was icing on the cake, the mother of all Love Busters, sucking me dry forever. He is banned from my Love Bank.

I feel more peaceful now, and so do the kids.

I'll be moving as soon as I can get the court to approve it. Running out of D money already (spent a LOT on the RO stuff, but worth every penny). Th ehouse has already been for sale. We were going to "start over" together somewhere else. Change of plans I guess!

I have felt the hand of God on my shoulder for about a week now. I am NOT super-religious or anything, but have leaned on God during this ordeal and have given it to Him. I feel sure in my decision to finally get away from this man who has poisoned my life.

The kids are doing pretty well. We have lived for months without him during the week for months, then a few weeks of h#ll when he came home in December and maintained contact with OW behind our backs. Life is much less chaotic without him here. He also has ADD, so life was always a whirlwind of spur-of-the-moment projects (not usually finished) and activities.

So, I guess I am where I am.

I do feel very lonely with just children around, so I cherish my time at work and my friends that have stood by me during this mess. My family too has been wonderful. I haven't heard a word from his family, which is fine for me right now.

Wow, that's a sad story, I'm sorry for you. I too put my husband in jail, the last straw was the night he pushed/shoved/slapped me saying it was ok, he had to have a way to shut me up when we argued. The physical had been minor I think, but I was likely in denial, it was more awful then I thought - it's like a movie playing now that I'm gone. I haven't gotten a permanent restraining order, an attorney told me to do so. Now, while he's in trouble. He pleaded not guilty of course, I might have to testify against my own husband in a few weeks. He's rich, has the best attorney I'm sure. He'll try to get off then will come back to haunt me.

Four years of marriage, the abuse started after the first year of marriage. I found him flirting with women at softball games and business functions. It made me suspicious so I checked his cell records and computer. I found calls to some young woman, he said 20 years his junior, from the town he lived when we dated "exclusively" and long distance for three years prior to marriage. He said she was just a friend but wouldn't give her name or more info, defended her like a girlfriend. I called her and she disconnected her phone, he said he warned her his wife "had found out about their relationship..." I found porn on his computer, one a site where married women have sex with men, in towns all over the US. Of course it was just "pictures" although he had one name and Phoenix written down in his desk drawers.

So I yelled, screamed, called him every name in the book. A counselor said I was blindsided at the time, he showed me just what he wanted me to see while dating. We had some issues, I thought he was a little controlling but I never dreamed life would be such a nightmare. He went to counseling with me, begged me to stay. But when we faught he'd resort to pushing/shoving/slapping, what he called wrestling. I tried and tried, read books, went to counseling. A counselor said to leave, I was too angry to stay. Any woman would have divorced him at this point. I was in partial denial thinking, ok, he really didn't cheat, he's not the type. Not my clean cut older banker husband.

He was so selfish too, moved in the first month, he said these are "my" cars, I wasn't able to drive them. I was 12 years younger then him, he loved to lord over me, I had less money and power. I separated two years ago. His dad died, he cryed, I felt so sorry for him. I moved back, got pregnant immed of course. Stayed for baby, faught a lot while pregnant. He lost his job, I moved again for him. He liked that I made less then him. Slowly I built my business up to 60k+ profit per year, and I'm growing this year, working only part time. He started saying I couldn't run a business of course. My dad was sick with cancer, I had a baby, was up all night with him, was working, setting up a new house - his favorite thing to tell me was I was lazy, the last thing I was.

I begged him to not make me get a divorce and deal with a dying father in the same year. He hurt me and continued to get worse the past 9 months since the baby. He moved down the hallway, called the baby "my job" refused to help out. Sat in the basement at night watching tv. I warned and warned him I'd leave. He didn't believe it, we were wealthy, he said I had it made, I wouldn't leave him. He taunted me the night I called the police. The day before he'd slapped me, then shoved my office stuff around. I told him I'd call them, he laughed at me. I'd never done it so I did.

That's my story. It's like a broken record, I've repeated it so many times. I can't believe it's real, it's my life. Why did I stay. How did I not see through him - now I"m really seeing him and don't want to be anywhere near him. I have to at some point go get my stuff, I got the apartment, hes' in our 600k house. I can't get myself to do it. Then I have to call an attorney, I don't see how this one can be salvaged anymore. I can't get myself to do that. But I will. One day at a time, one minor accomplishment at a time. Then I'll be on with my life, only with a baby, he'll be in it one way or another.

One thing that is really hard to accept, and WE MUST, is that the abuse is not our fault! Plenty of people in this world get angry, but only abusers use violence to shut us up, or whatever they want to call it.

Fogman also pleaded Not Guilty. Next hearing is soon. He doesn't knowit yet, but he will be charged with an additional count of domestic assault. I had a friend take pics of the bruises. That was really bad, and he never actually slapped or hit me, only pushed me into stuff and down. It sucked and yes I should have reported it then, but that is the TRAP of abuse.

My therapist gave me some very good advice. Do NOT waste your time wondering why you "put up" with the abuse. Do not wonder why he did it. You will never really know why. The best thing to focus on now is healing you and your kid/s and planning your future.

I contacted our local support hotline for women. It was the BEST thing I have ever done! They are the most caring group of women and pulled me right out of the initial shock of the arrest situation. They even came to court! I also just ordered a book on domestic violence and helping your kids. I'll post the name when I find it.

Fogman opened a bank account the day after getting out of jail apparently. Th estatement came right to our house! You would think he would've used our friend's address to hide it from me, but he's none too bright, I guess. Our friend/enabler gave him a nice chunk of money. That's funny, I haven't received any $$ in almost 2 months. He's not working. I had to cash in stocks and borrow from my parents to pay every single bill here. What a JERK!

I suggest reading as much as you can on domestic abuse. Not everyone here is dealing with this, so I don't want to threadjack too much about abuse, but it is very real issue that victims hide for very long periods.

Fogman would NEVER be able to follow the Harley's principles. He has no respect for anyone. I have come to see this and don't really give him any hope of changing. Eventually, your Love Bank hits rock bottom, and then you will see the truth of abuse. It sucks! It is true that love is blind. So true.

Hey Ladies,
Yes Horsey, Me too! I moved a month ago. And there had been physical abuse in our M as well.
Not since last April, tho, after I callled the police.
My main mistake was taking him back after that.
Even there wasn't anymore violence, it was horrible.
I moved to another town about an hour and half away. I have a ten year old from a pervious LTR-- who died 5 years ago.
I was married for 2 years, together as a couple for 3 on Jan 21. Not too much time was wasted on it!
I'm glad your baby is young and won't remember fighting.
I have told my son repeatedly that I'm sorry he heard us fight-- that people who love each other should not treat each other that way. I don't know how effective it was, but I have to do some sort of damage control.
At this point, my son seems to be well! I'm not worried about him at all.
I can't say I'm worried about much. Mostly, I just have this feeling of wanting to move on and not being sure how to.
We haven't filed yet-- just decided this AM that he will when he gets back from a vacation in mid February.
I can't wait for it all to be over.
I left a town where I had a sister, and three very good friends, and where my son was happy and we had resources for his care. I don't feel I was brave to move totally away, but looking back, I guess it does seem draastic.
Lately I have the feeling that not liking one's self can be a good guide towards directing behavior. I hated how I was with my H and I thought that it wouldn't be enough to move in the same town... I had to get CLEAR out.
I had to to set clearer boundaries.
I don't know how long I'll be here. Like most decisions made in haste, I"m not sure I picked an appropriate town for me... but it is friendly, and the job market is slightly better. It feels safe enough, but there aren't many interesting things to do, or people to meet.
The womens' shelter has meetings I go to once a week. I can't say that I realte to them there at all-- the group I was going to in the other town was phenominal tho!
But I"ll keep going and hope it's enough support for now. Lord knows I need some being here where I know no one!
Thanks for this, Horsey, and best wishes!
Lucy

Yes, that my son won't remember that night... he's too young. But he has been stressed out, he's felt my stress. I had a good daycare, a place to board my horse, you name it, I was settled. I moved 5 hours away, I was going to move in the same town, I dropped the boy off after him not seeing him three weeks. Was a half hour late, he went off on me, should have wanted to be with his kid, would rather argue. I canciled the apartment, moved further away. Haven't seen him since.

Abuse isn't our fault. A shrink said the same, it's time to stop thinking about why, I've figured out so much, now it's time to get on with my life, now that I know what I know. No one would believe my husband was like this, not even the last counselor until I called and told her what happened. She called over and over for a month, feeling bad, she missed it. It was our last chance for counseling, I said in counseling if he touched me again I'd be gone. She was suggesting restaurants to go to and lightening up, really in domestic violence!

I called some of those DV places too. I dont' like to. They use the word victim, I don't think of myself like that. I'm a strong person, at least I used to be. But hey, I left the jerk, set up an apartment and threw him in jail... The word victor is better. I'm not one to go on and on feeling sorry for myself. But I have been lately. It's been a bit much, my father is dying too, he only has a few months left. The boy got very sick this week. I resented my husband more then ever. I was a single, traveled, executive with my own company before I met him. I was in love with life. So spirited. I felt pressured into getting married at about 30, wish I hadn't. Slowly my life has become a nightmare, slowly I was conditioned to accept this. The mind plays games with yourself, have you found that? That anyoen could accept this is beyond me. I'm the last person to be the type.

Well, things will look up. We will survive this... it will be lonely for a time. Money will be tight. Emotions will swing. But this too shall pass.

Wow.....do I know you all or what?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Been following this with much interest. I have been separated from my H for 8 months now. I just came to the end of the road with a man unwilling to try. Then I went past that point of no return- the love bank had been depleted for so long that there was no spark of anything left.

There has been the struggle with should I try one more time and the sadness of dreams lost. But, I have learned to listen to that gut reaction, too. That little nagging tug that will not go away.
Wish I'd listened sooner.
keep smilin

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: keep smilin ]</small>

Sorry! Wrong thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I too moved out a little over a month ago - the week before Christmas, actually. I bought a house near where I work, and he refinanced "our" house into just his name.

He had decided he didn't want to be married to me, didn't want a future with me... etc. It was the second time in a little over a year he had made that decision, but the first time he changed his mind and decided to stay with me. However, I do not think he ever made an effort, though he says he did. Both the IC I was seeing (that he came to see with me a couple of times) and the MC we were seeing together told me since then - without me saying a word - that he was totally disingaged and putting the responsibility all on me. So, it wasn't just my imagination. Also, since then he has told me I "duped" him into staying and still wasn't the person he wanted to be married to.

Why did I leave? I guess a combination of being TOO tired to go through it all again, and knowing he would never feel differently about it unless HE decided himself. I still, at that point, hoped for reconciliation. Fast forward to today....

Funny, I am now realizing some other things about him I didn't see before. Some of it is being triggered by comments other people are making, that I now realize are true. I did not think I was abused, but am now thinking there was verbal abuse. And anger - terrible anger. Though he never hit me, both I and the dogs were afraid of his temper. He put holes in doors and walls. He would scream and swear at the computer from the other end of the house I could hear him, and the dogs would come flying into the room where I was with tails between their legs.

About 2 weeks before I left, I went upstairs (where he was living in his office) to tell him something before I left for work. I no longer remember the specifics, but he blew up at me, went into a rage, and screamed, said some really ugly nasty things, and left me shaking for the better part of the morning. When I got home that day I told him to pack his things and get out. I said I was not going to be treated like that, and if it had deteriorated to that level - I was saddened but not going to put up with it. I told him he could move back after I had moved out.

Well, he felt really bad - apologized and said that was not how he wanted to behave either. I allowed him to stay but said if he even hinted at that behavior again, HE was out of there. He kept his word.

Anyway, I told a close friend of mine the other day - someone we had both been friends with - that he had a temper. I've never told anyone that before. Well, she said she was not surprised, and had always felt like you did not ever want to make him mad. She had also noticed the holes in the walls in our house.

It is amazing all the things people are saying to me now that we are separated -- and they are reinforcing things I've been coming to see too. People are saying he is bullheaded, arrogant, self-absorbed, and dillusional about his own abilities.People are complaining that he doesn't follow through on things - NO KIDDING! I hadn't realized the extent to which I was always finishing things or cleaning up after him because he had done something and made a mess of it. I've had to tell these people who have complained to me that THEY will have to remind him now, because I can no longer pass it on to him. It's clear they don't feel comfortable approaching him. I also found out some people do not want him to return to teaching at the dog club because his behavior creates a bad role model. All this without me EVER saying a single bad thing about him.

I feel SO much calmer now, and so do my dogs. One of my dogs was so reactive towards the other dogs before we left - since then he's been nothing but good natured and not picked a single fight in 6 weeks, whereas it was a daily occurance before we moved out. All the dogs seem happier - the pup has stopped chewing his coat too.

Interestingly enough, the last couple of interactions I've had with him, he expresses concern about things he's doing now that are still "letting me down" - even though I'm supposedly not part of his life anymore. He's also wanting to be sure I know he is not seeing another woman. I let slip that something he said sounded like he was anxious to find someone else. He was upset, insisted on telling him what plans he DID have, and wanted to know how he was supposed to address my misconceptions if I wasnt' going to talk to him about it. To which I said, why - under the circumstances - would I care about resolving communication problems with him at this point in the "relationship".

I probably sound like I'm in the phase of blaming my H for everything. I probably am. But, I'm also seeing things from a new perspective and realizing I had gradually adapted to his temper, and his taking everything personally. I had learned to be even more of a conflict avoider than I may have been before. Every time he took on something for me, or for both of us, and didn't follow through - or left things half done - I ended up unable to proceed. If I said anything, I was a nag - if I did it myself, that made him mad - if I just shut up and put up, I had to find a work around for myself. So, I became an enabler, left in the lurch, or a nag - depending on the seriousness of the situation.

I also knew at some unconscious level that nothing I did, nor the person I am, met his expectations. Another mutual friend told me my H expected me to fix him and make his life better, and that was no longer working for him. This hit a nerve - because I had felt for some time that his accepting nature had become critical and unaccepting, but I couldn't explain why.

So, right now I'm not sure what my role is/was in all of this. I'm sure I have one - conflict avoider for sure, enabler for sure. Stupid, for certain. But, at the moment I'm opening my eyes for the first time to see what I never wanted to acknowledge, and finding out how much I like being alone. I can't begin to explain the relief I feel now at not having to be on guard and walking on eggshells all the time. I no longer feel guilty if I sit down to read the paper, check my E-Mail, watch TV, etc. instead of making dinner, or something else I was supposed to have known to do. IT'S MY LIFE AND I'LL DO AS I PLEASE!

On the other hand, this is still a very sad time for me. I still have days when the pain comes back, when I still think I love him, and when I find myself wondering why I love him, why I ever loved him, and what in the world is happening to me. I truly don't know if I still care or not, if I would be open to reconciliation or not. I'm guessing not.

Sorry this is so long. I guess this is about 6 weeks of musings I've been sharing with just me, myself, and I.

You left the same week I did. The week before Christmas. Seems like so long ago, only a month, and my mind is so much more clear. Who was the lonely woman who lived in that big house? Was that me? I'm lonely in my apartment, but yes, it's mine. I can too do what I want. Not feel guilty to just relax, watch tv, leave dirty dishes on the counter... I don't have to watch my back for a husband constantly nit picking me apart. About a dirty dish, something stupid. I'm just weary, when I'm done being weary I am going to run and run and run. I need to drop 20 pounds, I"m fat since a baby 9 months ago, and I know if I eat right and exercise I'll feel empowered. But I'm not quite done eating potatoe chips and ice cream and doing the pity party thing...

Our timing is very close...I got RO right after New Year's.

The house is so much cleaner without his sloppy self here. He never really helped around teh house except for laundry, so I usually did mostly everything.

I'm trying out not taking my anti-anxiety meds for a few days. I had gotten down to one in the morning, pretty low dose, but enough to keep me from being too antsy. Yes, Fogman had caused me to develop panic attacks during my DD pregnancy. Panic attacks are AWFUL! You feel like you wanna crawl out of your skin and get away from everything. Changes your life. I feel so much better without him here causing his usual disruptions.

I'm filling out my financial disclosure papers for child support. Very detailed money stuff. Thank goodness I keep really organized records. I'd like to start on the taxes, too, at some point. First D hearing is on Valentine's Day, of all days! That is going to be so ironic...

With 3 kids, I'm finding it hard to find time to work on this kind of stuff. The baby is at the clingy age, or maybe just superdependent on me since daddy tried to put us through a wall. She only has seen him on weekends her whole life. Well, now he won't see her for a year. I know it may seem cruel, but he is so inappropriate with the kids, I wish he didn't see any of them for a year. I know the dads here will not want to hear that, so sorry!

OK, back to kiddyland!

Wow! This thread has grown so much since yesterday morning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I must say that I am amazed at the frequency of abusive relationships. Mine was not physical, but it definitely fit a pattern of degradation, building me up, and then more degradation afterward. It was about control, blame, and (in his words) making me feel the pain he felt.

It's so sad - I still love him to death. And as my counselor says, I still want to 'take care of him.' 'If I could fix him, I would.' 'If I could cure his pain, I would.'

Yet our relationship is toxic. And I think that's true of so many abusive relationships. They are hard to leave. Yet they are hard to stay.

I wish you all the best....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by horsey:
<strong> You left the same week I did. The week before Christmas. Seems like so long ago, only a month, and my mind is so much more clear. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup! Me too! Hip hip horray!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
But I'm not quite done eating potatoe chips and ice cream and doing the pity party thing... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad to know I'm not alone in this. I've started eating chips again after over a year of not eating them, and am totally addicted to ice cream. One night I had a bowl of Double Chocolate Fudge Chunk ice cream with chocolate sauce on top! This ended up being dinner that night! But I'm almost ready to scale it back again.

He he he! Doing it because I CAN!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, everyone keep posting...

It really does in some pathetic way feel better to know others are going through what you are...

There's a chinese proverb - if you know you've made a mistake, work as quickly as you can to fix it.

I held on to a "toxic" marriage for four years, it was bad the first month I moved in with him. I told him if this is the way it's going to be our marriage wouldn't last. It went on and on and on. Yes, I too tried to "fix" him, but the truth is he's selfish, lacks values and doesn't care for anyone but himself.

I'd like to know why, why would anyone really be like this? But the why's don't really matter do they?

What I know is that I need to fix the mistake I made, marrying him, staying with him too long, letting him bring me down, not standing up for myself.

Tomorrow I will call an attorney and start the divorce process. So I can get on with my life. It's a big move for me, I haven't been able to get myself to do it.

It means it's really over. No more shrinks, books, analysis and trying to hard to make this marriage work. It'll never work, I tried, he didn't care. He didn't care. He didn't care.

There will be a bright future for all of us women, if God put us through this abuse especially, we deserve a future of peace and love don't you think?

Yes, I've just decided this morning to pursue divorce, and here I read this thread with women who've been in the same situation as me. I've been living with chaos and verbal/emotional abuse for twenty years. We've been unofficially separated on/off, but haven't seen each other in two months now. At this point, i don't even care about anything, but finding my self-esteem and a peaceful life with my kids.

I expect the money situation to be really hard, but it was much worse trying to be "nice" to someone who doesn't care how much he hurts me. And my 3 children (ages 24, 18, and 13) want me to file!

I came to this site initially because of his infidelity, and I don't read as much anymore, because we have abuse problems, but I'm happy to know there are other women out there who are moving on with their lives, and looking forward to being happy again someday.

I moved out one month ago -- he's in our house still (well, sort of, he's mostly with OW) but we sold it today, with a settlement on 2/25. He's moving 5 states away - took another job - i'm having a tough time - that kind of lended to the finality of it all. He's a serial cheater and i know i'm better off without him but still having a hard time adjusting to it all -- i'm about 4 months post d-day -- was totally blind-sided. I'll be OK financially - i'm luck to have a good job that allows me to support myself. My head knows i'm doing the absolute right and best thing for me and that i'm going to be OK -- my heart hasn't caught up yet though.

He moves on 2/11 - once I say my peace to him i'm going completely no contact - it will be hard but i need to move on as he already has.

thanks for listening.

((((((You All)))))

To those just starting out, I highly recommend as little contact with your H as possible. It really helps to make you feel better. Plan B for yourself. Those of us in abusive relationships and those with infidelity especially need to have that space to clear our own fog. You will feel horrible for like 2-3 weeks at first, then you'll be better.

A marriage is the melding of two hearts. Our hearts have been ripped apart by the abuse, infidelity, rejection or what have you. This was not our idea. We never planned for this to happen. It so totally stinks and hurts so darn much.

Those with children will suffer even more since now we must deal with their father as long as he is around. This horrifies me. Thank goodness for the RO right now, so I don't have to be around Fogman at all except for court. Whew!

I know that I tried every single thing I could, went above and beyond Plan A and B, to pull my M out of the sh*tter, but when you're the only one who really wants to...what can you do? The fog of the A can choke you to death. I hate it. It's more like a nuclear bomb with a huge mushroom cloud of poison spewing out. Nasty!


It definitely takes time to come to the point of really knowing you have to do it. I still feel like cr*p most of the time. I restarted my anti-anxiety meds today, since I haven't slept in 2 days.

I am choosing to start my own life, away from the negativity of an abusive cheater stuck at age 14.

Thanks if you made it to end of this post, longer than I thought it was gonna be!

An ad in the paper, psychic (sp), I actually called the woman up. Supposedly these people read what's going on in your life and help you make deicisons. Not like counselors but quickly as they "know things." Ok, you'll think I'm a bit crazy, but I used to be a journalist, investigated some crimes and actually a few cops used these people to try to find bodies or figure out if someone was guilty or no. And I've identified with Princess Diana and her jerk for a husband, when she was about to leave her husband and when she did she went to one, and a number of counselors too. So I tried it, just a wierd day, reaching for straws, wanting to know what to do with my life. (tomorrow am I have a meeting with a legit shrink mind you)

So I took her a photo of my husband, she read him as a happy man, but one with lots of anger. One with two personalities, a split personality. He goes from good to bad, really bad. He can't control his anger. She knew there had been physical violence. She asked if he was the oldest child, he is. She asked about his mom, a strong *****y controlling woman. Brothers - one handicapped two years younger then him, another 8 years younger. His mom, an absent woman, father, full of rage. So he had to be the protector for his brothers, he learned to control, he resented it at such a young age. His mom would yell and go off the handle often, she admitted to me months ago that she neglected my husband, she had things to do, the sick brother... she never apologized to him. He never really had support and learned to despise his mother. He doesn't like women, has issues with them, when I"ve been angry at him verbally it reminds him of his mother so he pushes/shoves me, he gets back at her through me, he couldn't do this to her, but he can to me.

He's insecure, so he builds his life around his status as a banker, making money, having a trophy wife (that's what she called me) and of course the baby. We were both possessions he acquired to uphold his image. However we are supposed to fit into a certain slot, we are supposed to be submissive to him, he is supposed to be the "man" making the decisions. If he can't control by just doing what's best for him as he sees it, he becomes verbally abusive, if that doesn't work he gets physically abusive to control me. He learned at a young age to not really feel, he's afraid of me because of feel, I care, I have the emotions he doesn't allow himself. He drinks, more and more as he hasn't been as in control of his jobs, he feels powerless, and he takes it out even more on me at home. The alcohol numbs him, but she said that's his real personality coming out, the meanness when he drinks. At work he has to present himself in a positive way, at home he can let loose and drink, and hurt me.

She said I didn't need counseling, that he has brought out such anger in me. He's pushed and pushed. He chose me 6 years ago when we met because I was positive, making money, happily single, loved live. He didn't like it, he brought me down. He wanted me to see him when I looked in the mirror, he wanted me to be more negative. He told me to fight with him, that's what he was used to at home. I grew up in a good Christian family, I knew better so I was enraged that he was so awful at home. I felt like he lied to me. He called other women, was on porn sites, I was side swiped as well - or hit head on - this man I dated long distance three years wasn't the dorky banker I thought he was. He was out to get me.

He flirted with other women, often in front of me. I would get mad, he'd think, she does love me when I got mad... that was his crazy way of coping with life. The silly women boosted his ego, made him feel better about himself as he really doesn't like himself. He knows he can't control his personality, it comes from his mean, awful mother. He tried all day to control it at work, then the meanness comes out, against me, just like his mother did to him. Nothing he did as a child was right, so he tells me nothing I can do is good enough. Everything I do is wrong. I'm a bad mom, I can't cook, I can't run a business, you name it... what I do the best, is what he hurts me in the most.

This woman grew up with a father like this. She knew my husband. So did my mom when I was dating him as my grandfather was mean and controlling. She warned me, you have no idea what's it's like to live with someone like this. I didn't know, I was on top of the world when I met him seven years ago. Now I've left him, yes it is foggy, the fog is starting to life, I'm starting to see that there is a life out there. And a future without the meanness and abuse. I'm sad for myself that I put up with this so long, I wasn't the type to. Shrinks say I had to stay long enough to figure it out - I too did A, B, books, shrinks, you name it. My husband never thought I'd leave him, he took advantage of me, he knew I was nice, I have a big heart. He's trying to cry and get me back. There's a judge mandated RO too, it's good, he can't call me or come by until court in a few weeks. I"m getting some peace in my life.

I didnt' call the attorney today, I"ll see the shrink tomorrow that I knew, who told me almost three years ago to leave this man, he lied, cheated and gave me reasons to leave him. The shrink warned it'd come to this if I stayed, he was right. I was strong, I wanted to hold on. Now my life is a nightmare. But this too shall pass, so the Bible says.

Thank you everyone for posting, and listening and sharing. This is the hardest time in my life...