Hello to everyone here!

I have been on just found out for a long time and the time has come to move over here. Something finally snapped with me. I decided that the pain of his infidelity and his unwillingness to work the M through is no more a threat to my self esteem. And.... the A. is no longer consuming me anymore. I doesn't hurt anymore!!! I am moving on. YAY!
Problem, we cannot get a divorce or even separate do to financial reasons. So I am stuck with a man that I no longer want to be apart of. I look at him and I now see that somehow his affair was a blessing in disguise. I see him for the man he really is and I cannot believe I put up with the controlling behavior for so long. I want to be free of the misery and unhappiness that he brings every morning. His affair was his insecurities. I finally see that it wasn't me all a long. So no matter how special or supportive I was, I could not make him feel good. I feel that he depends on me to bring him happiness and when he doesn't get the results he is looking for, he blast me. He bailed out on IC and MC. So to me that is a wake up call to get out. What do I do when I am stuck and we both want out but can't afford it?
I am scared because I have no upper education. I didn't finish school and haven't worked in a job in almost eight years. What I am afraid of is failing and not being able to support myself.

But today, I went to our community college and spoke with continuing education advisor about my goals that I now envision. Everything is so clear but I feel that what I want is unrealistic. I am scared as hell to make this step. But on the other hand I am on a high. Reality hasn't stepped in yet. I am going to become a single Mom of two with one of them with special needs. Since I haven't worked I am scared! I have never been on my own before and that frightens me. Since H. took a 30 grand hit in pay, his child support will be nothing. We talked about staying in the house until I can get on my feet. I am not sure how I can do that because of his controlling behavoir. Example, I was out running errands all day today and attending to my 2 year old. So I was really unable to clean up. Last night HE made a big mess in the kitchen including dishes. OK I know he works, and my job is to mainly do the chores around here but, when he got home, things were undone, the dishes were still in the sink and he was mad. (Our dishwasher is broken). Whoops, I have also been educating myself on divorces and the law to what I am entitled too as well. So the house work was on hold and today we don't have a show room house!! I also had to run out to the store to pick something up. I didn't want to bring the boys well, you know how kids are. I just wanted to get in and out. He was angry that 45 mins later after he got home, I went out. I am in ways being rebellious. I am tired of not being able to go out with my friends and have no me time. He says that he cannot take care of both kids and he can only handle one. Our special needs isn't anything impossible to take care of. As a matter of fact, he can't "take care of" the 2 year old! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I haven't my time in years. Even in the home. I was even harassed about posting on MB's. Because I wasn't attending to the kids. We talked about our situation and he still does not "get it." He is very controlling and makes it obvious that he does not want to take his own responsibilities in this house. How can this work? Sorry for rattling I am typing what ever comes to my mind.

Any suggestions?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ali~

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Hi Ali! First off, I'm sorry this is happening to you - I followed your other threads re: RandyRail on the 'just found out..' Boards.
Second, welcome to 'The Kingdom' (of Caerlon) There, I think, you will find a quiet peaceful place to heal, regroup, and recharge. You will always be welcome there!
As to your current sitch, I am GLAD you are riding a 'high' now - I know that once you finally do reach a decision - and it looks like you have - the future is indeed scarey with the uncertainty of 'where am I headed now?' thing?
I can tell you how I handled things when I was where you were - 6 1/2 years ago, I was ending a long marriage where I was NEVER right and everything I said or did was WRONGO! So, I went: "Well, since I'm wrong on every single thing, then I'm doing whatever the hell I want to!" And I did. Sure, she went ballistic, etc. - why? Coz she LOST her CONTROL over me. I never let her have it back. Example: She was driving us back home from somewhere - can't remember where, and I said something that POed her off big-time. She slammed the brakes on (thank God for seatbelts) and screamed at me to get out. We were 10 miles from home and the temperature was like 20 degrees below Zero. I said, "Nope. Not getting out." She said she was not driving me home. "Fine. We'll just sit here and freeze our ASSES off, won't we?" .... DOH! Well, I think she realized I was NOT going to do what she demanded and I was being just as hard-headed as she was, so she drove us home. That was the beginning of me not being obnoxious, just taking BACK CONTROL of my own life and destiny. I was able to move out and get my own rat-hole of an apartment until I could move away.
Now, Ali, I know finances won't allow you to do that. I know it's not going to be easy for you to live in the same house with him.
If it were me in your shoes, I would tell him that YOU have a job too and just coz you don't get 'paid' a salary for it - taking care of 2 kids (one special needs), running errands for the household, cooking, laundry, cleaning, taking care of bills-paying, etc. is JUST AS MUCH A JOB as what he does! And if he can't understand that, then maybe he can understand that you are not SUPERMOM and that you are human and have physical limitations to just how much you - one person - can do with NO FRIGGING HELP from him! He needs to help you with some of the household things too. It's not that hard for him to pick up a dishrag and wash the dishes. Hell, I do a lot of the household stuff here, as my wife is unable to do what she used to. It's not beneath my dignity - it's called living together and helping each other out, and it looks like your STBX is not wanting to help. So he needs to understand that 'One person (you) just can't do it all'. That's good you're looking into getting back into school for a Career Field.
I do sincerely wish you the best with your new life and stay strong, OK?
SDLOM

I dont' know your story but wanted to let you know that many areas have displaced homemaker programs where you can train for a job, get counseling (typically for emotional or other abuse) and learn about housing and other programs available to you. In my area, it's called the women's crisis center. Your local community college may also know of these programs as many classes are through these colleges.
Seek out what you need and you will find it.

Also, see if there are Rainbows programs inyour area as support for your kids and for you. www.rainbows.org

Good luck.

I kind of understand what you are going thru. I have been staying with my husband because I am really afraid of being on my own. If I had enough courage I would have left a long time ago. I wonder alot of times if it is better to have a bad marriage than being alone. Sounds like you are getting your courage up and go with it. You can do anything; the resources are out there. I do understand that this decision is a hard one to make. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your imput, info and support!

I am scared just as I am excited. And as I posted on JFO, the more controlling he becomes the more motivated I feel to get out! Again, I just have to live with him. In ways I like it because it is free baby sitting when I have to go out! Hah haa!
OK back to reality though. I have so much fear of not making it out on my own. I have had careers, but the competition will be tough. Here is a 35 year old with a year or so of college and here comes this young thing with a college ed and and young and not expecting a lot of pay!!! And where I live, you cannot get a decent job with a decent salary. Decent day care is so expensive too.

OK here is my gripe! Tell me why a person who receives child support gets taxed twice on that? What the *&^%$@! is that? I just can't understand that as a women and a (going to be) single Mom who barely is going to make it as it is, would get taxed twice? I wonder who and how we can get that changed? My husband took a 30 grand hit in pay! Ouch, so his support will be nothing as it is and then to be taxed on that?

How many of you felt so motivated and once reality checked in went into shock? I am afraid of failure I guess. I really never had to support myself. So making sure I have a job and being reliable totally scares me to death. What happens if my kids are sick and I have to go or call off? Would an employer be so understanding? There should be some laws out there that protect newly divorced people who don't have a dime to their name. I know there is alimony but again, husband lost a lot and is not making the cash like he did!

OK, sorry, I am just posting my fears! This is going to be very hard. I have full power attitude now, but what if I run out of steam later??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali~