Divorce has been on my mind quite seriously for the last 9-12 months. I have emotionally separated myself from my wife for the past 6-9 months. My friends had noticed that my spirit had left me. They asked me what was wrong. I shared the truth with a couple of them. One of them had been divorced in the past and recommended I do the things I enjoy in life. So I took her advice and got involved in a political campaign, got more involved in church, volunteered at a YMCA camp and worked out on a regular basis. It felt good!

But I've always been afraid to divorce because of the impact it will have on our children. Our girls are 12 and 14 years old. It's a transitional time for them anyway. My wife has been screaming at me for the whole of our married life that she wants a divorce. She comes from an alcoholic family, all of her family have mental health issues. I used to think the irrational screaming was just normal marriage fights. I finally gave up. Three years ago I proposed a separation and she fell apart. She told her therapist, my therapist, her friends, my friends, our children. They all called me asking why I was refusing counseling and opting for a divorce. The pressure went on for three days.

I finally gave in, spoke to her therapist and we went to marriage counseling for a third time in our 17 years together. I started the conversation with my concerns that my wife abused me verbally and emotionally. The counselor seemed to ignore it. My wife felt like a victim of my complaints. We went for several sessions. The pledge was to be nice to each other and do special things for each other. I'd been doing nice things all along. I was tired since I didn't feel much reciprocation. But we went on.

She's continued counseling. The outbursts are less frequent and less drastic. But on the night of my daughter's birthday party she had been drinking again and when I called her on it, she flew into a rage. She chased me around the house, took a swing at me and chased me outside swearing at me that she was going to ruin my career. Too much.

Last week she flew into a rage about our finances. She can't figure out why our checking account is so low. She thinks I'm spending too much. I've noticed that she's putting any additional income like expense checks and medical reimbursement checks into a personal account rather than our joint checking account. We also spent lots this year on our daughters on some special opportunities. That costs money. She wants me to quit donating to charity. I donate about $1000 a year to charity. Less than 1% of our income. Less than what we send to her mother to support her. Less than she spends on clothes and jewelry each year. More than I spend on clothes each year...

So she proposed in an angry fit that we separate our accounts. This was the second time she proposed this in an angry fit. She said she would do it. She never did. So I did it. Now that she knows, she seems humbled and scared. She's being extra nice.

I'm ready to move on. But I'm scared. I've picked up divorce papers to understand better the process. I don't want a big fight. I don't want to spend lots on lawyers because we don't have much in terms of assets. I don't want to hurt the children. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to get hurt.

I wish we could just divide everything in half and split the time with our children. But I'm scared it will be a big,ugly emotional fight. I'd rather have it be a simple business transaction.

That's all for now. Insights are welcome.

Roberto,

I also have a violent, angry bitter wife, so I comiserate with you. Fortunately, my w doesn't drink, so at least I have that small advantage.
I don't know how you have lasted so long.

On the other hand, I noticed that you mentioned a female friend. Are you thinking ahead of a better life with somebody else? Doing that can undermine your efforts to save your family. Be honest with us. How much has that affected your thinking?

-AD

Thanks for your response and your sympathy.

My female friend is married and has children. No plans to hook up with her. Great to get a female perspective from someone I've know for 30 years.

No females in my life at this point. Once this is over, we'll head that direction.

Roberto,
Can I add a little female perspective on this? First of all, it is interesting to see how my female colleagues can react and not appreciate the man that they have. For whatever reasons (alcoholism, child abuse, etc...) that have caused her to react in her manner, the first and foremost counseling needed is for herself. She definitely needs to get a grip with why she feels she needs to drink and fly off the handle. She won't understand her reasonings with you around, I hate to say.

You say she reacted with kindness when you put your foot down and set up separate accounts. What she did was realize that her H has balls (pardon my expression) and won't just threaten, but actually follow through. I would almost bet if you went into Plan A, she would get another clue that her behavior has to seize. She may need time away from you to concentrate on her issues with a therapist and find herself.

I am not sure if she has ever lived alone (it doesn't sound like it), but she may have taken for granted that you will always be there regardless of what she does. Be there for her emotionally, spiritually, but firmly tell her that she needs to straighten up. Also, don't be afraid to stand up to her. She is emotionally disabled right now, and probably needs an adult role to snap her back into reality. Be firm, but do it with love, not resentment or hate.

Then time and patience is what you need to work on...she is not going to be "normal" overnight. She may say or do things that seem out of line as she is working towards peace. Kindda like the girl in the Exorcist spitting up the split pea soup, then in the end being a gentle little girl. She may breakout in tears as she realizes her mistakes and how much pain she caused over time. Just be there for her and hold her and tell her that you are there for her.

When you think about it, most marriages are started by the man. I mean it is the man who decided one morning that he will ask this woman to be his wife. She probably wasn't even thinking about it. Or was happy being single at the time. But once the ring comes on, it seems the man feels his job is done. Or there is not a whole lot of effort left to keep that woman. WRONG! The work just began...

I hope this helps...stay married to her, but be willing and prepared to work at it. If you need to see your therapist on your own to blow off some steam, then do so. Remember, she is the same woman you asked to marry years ago, just a little confused right now.

Nomoregames

Thanks for your insights, Nomoregames. You were pretty much on target with a few things. Yes, she had some childhood problems that she hasn't overcome, that may influence her behavior. Yet, I've been patient 17 years. Not seen enough progress. Don't expect to see much more.

Ironically, she proposed to me 18+ years ago. I had to stop and ask that we take some time, visit with a pastor and marry in a church rather than a courtroom.

During this "quiet" time, I'm assessing our relationship. I've actually lost the love. We get along as colleagues. I feel "compassion" for her when she feels bad. I gave her some sweet surprises for her 50th birthday. But I don't see spending the next 30 years together. I'll be very lonely.

Still, I'm afraid and proceeding slowly...

Roberto,
This makes me really sad.
Sad that you were abused, sad that she has been sucessful in doing the one thing she really didn't need to do: push you away. SAd that she is so sick that she works against herself that way.
You'd be a saint to stay with someone abusive, keep a mellow head, and be there for her.
She does need counseling, and you could use some too.
If you have compassion for her, and are a thoughtful husband, I think you can love her again.
What really is best for the situation?
I see there are three options:
Get divorced,
maintain the staus quo
or fall in love with each other again.

Maybe it's too late, but I don't beleive it's ever too late.
She really needs to work on her issues. It sounds like she's about to loose the best thing that ever happened to her.
Peace,
Lucy

Lucy: Thanks for your response. I agree with your 3 choices. I can't believe that I'm choosing the divorce route. I'm not a quitter. I've never quit a relationship...

But if I give in and go on with status quo, I'll be frustrated and unfulfilled the rest of my life. I've been in counseling. She's in counseling. I'll go back to counseling for my sanity and to help our children get through this.

Take care. Roberto

You need to think about what is best for you and your children. Divorce will hurt but, it will eventually fade as life will take its course again. What I would think about is your daughters. What kind of role model is this for them? This is how they will see a marriage and role play it maybe in their own marriage. They can see a happy mom and a happy dad that is not married and see success.

I am will be going through it myself soon. Right now I live in a marriage out of convenience. I realized that I do not live in a healthy environment for me and my children. I want to create a healthy life style for them and not see their parents at each others throats day in and day out. Would it be fair to see your kids see this every day? And with your W. who does drink a lot and go off on rages? What kind of role playing is that?

I am scared right now. I really am. I don't think anyone who goes through a divorce doesn't feel somewhat guilty, afriad or the lose.

I also see a lot of control issues too. So that may be another thing to consider as well.

Your wife needs help. She grew up in this environment and she thinks it is normal behavior to be this way. So think about your kids!!!!

Good luck to you

Ali~