This is my first time here, tho I have looked around before.....the posts ARE good for helping me to think I CAN get thru this. In a week and a half my 26th anniversary will be coming up. It has been a draining three years. I found out by an anonymous letter two and a half years ago that my husband was having an affair. We were both 44 at the time - she was 29. Our life was sooo screwy during the whole affair, which lasted about 8 months. He was staying at the office, sometimes all nite, and acting strange in all aspects. I had begged him to tell me what was wrong, that I could not bear to see him/us like this...if it was another woman, we would either get thru it, or he could leave. I dragged him to marriage counsellers, where he would sit and lie throughout the whole session..."no, there was no one else; he didn't know WHAT was wrong". anyway, I finally found out, and, over the course of two more years, he finally admitted to other "indiscretions", one of which lasted over a year with a 16 year old girl, while I was pregnant with our first baby. During the last 3 years, he has moved out several times, but somehow we always got back together. About 3 weeks before Christmas, he went out for the evening, and just didn't come home - was drinking, went to our camp for the nite, and didn't come back home. I was upset when he left - he has little enuf common sense when he is sober....none when he is drinking. I did not feel it was a good thing to do. I ended up snapping at our 14 y/o son that it was not the best idea for his father to have gone out. Being 14, he snapped back at me and I ended up saying that "his father had the morals of an alley cat". I immediately burst out crying and went upstairs. I came back down in half an hour and he was gone. I spent a wretched two hours, calling all his friends, trying to find him. I had called the camp several times and since there was no answer, assumed he wasn't there. Finally, with no where else to look, I drove out to the camp, and he was there. I dissolved into tears, wondering how he could deliberately worry me like that. He said he did not like what I had said about his father. He knows what his father has done, and also that I have tried to put our family back together. But he has not spoken to me since that nite. Two weeks later I bought a house a half-hour's drive away and my youngest daughter and myself moved out. Our two older daughters are 20 and almost 19, so both are away at school. I am not used to not getting along with my kids, not knowing what they are doing, where they are. I find that there are new ways to feel that your heart is being ripped out almost every day. People tell me that 14 is a tough age, even when things are going well. He was always soft-hearted and, well, what can I say, he is my son and I love him. Last week, after not seeing him for nearly two months (even over Christmas), I asked if he would talk to me. I had written a letter to sort out what I wanted to say (I can't even believe I wrote a LETTER to my own son!), so I read it to him, pausing to try to keep from totally breaking down, but still crying most of the way thru it. I told him I loved him and always will, and that I was truly sorry for whatever things I had done or said that upset him. He sat there like a rock, and at the end, made a snide remark about his father's morals being "like an alley cat"....it was as tho the entire letter and apology meant nothing. He left. His father (who he lives with in our house) was away for the nite, and I tried to get him to come to my new house with me....to no avail. My family and friends tell me there is nothing more I can do, which I know now is true. I guess his age accounts for part of his attitude, but I can't believe my son is treating me this way. I feel that he is digging in his heels because he doesn't like things the way they are.....who does??...and that if he makes it unpleasant enuf for me, that I will somehow "fix" it. I am at a loss as to what to do next. I have already apologized for all sins, past, present and future. Has anyone had any similar experiences with their kids? I'd appreciate any thoughts....

Honestly, if your H had "indiscretions" with a 16-yr-old, he should be in jail. That's child molestation. You should report him to the police. Hate to be so blunt. I'm sure you're hurting, but that's a crime.

No, I have not had any such like experiences with my kids. I am sorry that you are going thru all of this.

I'll throw a few things out there and hope that they help or at least make you think, you probably need a professional to get you thru this.

He's the only boy in the family, 14 is a rough age, he's mom and sister have moved out, there have been troubles in the family over the last three years. (they know this even if we hide it well)

He's probably thinking that you are the one that broke up the family and does not want to see or acknowledge that it was dad's behaviour that caused this. Some one has to stick up for dad. It's the boys against the girls. It's so hard to say what is going on in his head, things get in to a teens head and it gets so mixed up with what is really true.

He's your son and you just have to continue loving him no matter what, even if he is being stupid with his thoughts or siding with dad, he's yours and you love him. Don't push him to hard. Get yourself to a counselor and see if they can't help you to understand what it is he is feeling and going thru and help you in dealing with it and helping him.

Not much I know, pray for him every day and just love him, be patient.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The affair with the 16 y/o had happened 18 years ago....I just found out 2 1/2 yrs ago. Yes, it makes me sick to think of it. My second daughter was 16 when I found out....she was a little girl. aaahrg.
and, yes, daybreak, i think you are right, he does feel the males vs the females thing. he DOES know what his father has done and knows it is not right, but i think, feels that dad needs him to stick up for him. we were always close and i miss him. my husband and i went to a very good counsellor for more than 2 years, and on my last appt by myself, i told him i didnt think the marriage was saveable but had a real problem with actually ending it. i know my husband did not honor his marriage vows, but, to me, i took the same vows and i meant them....for better or for worse. in that sense i didnt feel that divorce was an option, but the counsellor (who trained for priesthood) told me that he thought that that meant "within reason" and that i should do it, that he didnt think my husband was going to change. so i went to a lawyer a couple weeks ago and collaborative meetings are scheduled starting in a couple weeks. i never in my wildest nightmares ever thot i would be doing this. to me, having a family together is one of the most important things in life - for everyone.

We have a 15 year old son and our divorce has affected him a lot. He deals with it by withdrawing, even more so than is usual for a teenager.

I really don't know what I'd do in your case, but here are a couple of suggestions. Have your older children (who I assume know what's going on?) hang out with him and talk with him. I have a 20yo son, 20yo daughter, 18yo son and the 15yo son. The kids all know what's gone on (H had A) but it has most affected the 15yo, mostly because that's the age where they seem to be striking out for their independence, hanging out with their friends even more, and totally 'rejecting' their parents. My 15yo won't even eat much or watch TV with me.

Anyway, try to have your older kids talk to him about what has gone on. Have one of them bring him over to 'visit' you at your new house. Have them ease the burden a bit, try to talk to him about his feelings about the whole matter.

He may feel like you abandoned him, that someone has to continue to take care of dad and he's the one left to do it. The older kids should have a bit of a better grip on what happens with affairs, how betrayed the spouse feels, why you are so hurt, etc. and can talk to him about this. I fuond that I could talk very openly with the 3 older kids, but not with the 15yo. He just did not want to hear it. But he will talk to my older guys.

Also, did your son ever cry over what's gone on? He may be afraid to actually break down and cry over it in front of you or your H, so stuffs his feelings down inside and won't talk at all to you.

As an alternative, it might be good if you could get you, your H and your S to a counselor and get it all aired out in front of him. That could be a bit more difficult.

Don't give up. Keep trying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi, 4kids-

I see. I jumped the gun or misunderstood. Sorry about that. Besides, I guess that wasn't your point to begin with.

Best to You.

Too