Apologies up front for the trilogy I'm about to type. But I know the best advice only comes when others can understand where I am and what's happened.

My wife and I met first in 5th grade, met again just after High School. We moved in together after a year or so of dating, a year beyond that we moved into our first home. Happy years pass. Her Mother was killed, it was a very tough time for her. I know she did not handle it very well. Later that year we decided to have a baby. At this point we had been together for almost six years. Our daughter is an amazing little girl and the light of both our lives, she is now 2 1/2 years old, beautiful and smart as can be.

When our daughter was about a year old, my wife became depressed and I could tell things were not working out. She wanted a divorce (did not directly tell me), instead she consulted her Brother, Sister and their significant others who were living with us (read: we had never really been alone all these years). Her Brother and Sister thought she was making a horrible mistake, I'll tell you my Wife's reasoning in just a minute. They cornered her into trying to make it work. Part of her criteria to try and make it work was for me to take her out more often, do the wine dine and dance routine. But she also wanted to move to the outskirts of town almost 40 miles away that prohibbited us from getting time away from our child.

Our sex life has never been amazingly consistant. I must push her into intimacy, to the point of feeling guilty. I knew she had been molested as a child and wrote the problems off to that. She had been seeing a Therapist to deal with her unhappiness and depression, she began to take medication to aid in sleeping and physical discomfort due to what we though was stress.

Sept. 2004

I return from a business trip that had me away from home for a week, this only happens once or twice a year. When I returned I could tell something was wrong. She was distant and cold. I thought she was mad at me for some reason. After two days, she asked if I wanted to know why she was being like this. She gave me a letter. It was many pages but basically said: "You are a great Father, you have taken such good care of me and our daughter. I feel as if I owe you my life. I am not happy and have not been for some time, I'm no longer in love with you and I'm not physically attracted to you. I love you though. I want to be friends but I cannot go on living a lie. I must get drunk and force myself to be intimate and I can't stand seeing you in pain like that anymore. I owe it to myself to be happy. I want to be alone. I want a separation and possibly a divorce.

I was shattered. I am so deeply in love with her, I am so happy with her. She says it can't work on me being happy alone. I know this is true. She was physically attracted to me and we were deeply in love years ago. I have not changed physically and neither has she, the child put a few pounds on her but I always considered and still think of her as the most beautiful woman on earth, I tell her this regularly.

She says her Therapist has helped her drill down into what is wrong. This is her decision and she won't let anything change her mind. She says she has been preparing for this for a couple years. I fear that she may be doing this for all the wrong reasons, but nothing I've said or done has gotten through. I'm not pushing, instead trying to support her decision, telling her I only want her to be happy. This is half true as I want to be happy as well.

I found out she began a relationship with one of my (ex) friends whom I work with. It was on and off, he was just getting divorced. Things fizzled between them, but I'm pretty positive they were intimate at least a few times.

We have always been great friends, and regardless of what happens, we will always be tied by our daughter, and will always be good friends. I am so broken over this, it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced, even the loss of my Father in my youth. We have never had any abuse in our relationship, not verbal, not physical. I want to hold onto the hope that she will see the grass is not greener. I'm a giver and a provider, I have always put myself behind my family in order of priority.

So it's been 5 months now. She has an apartment, I'm home shopping. Joint custody seems to be working. Lo and behold I start getting some odd signals from her. I'm at a very confusing point currently. The best place to begin is when my wife and I had a bit of a (instigated by me) blowout three weeks ago. She had been asking me to come over now and then, just for a visit and some "family time" with our daughter. I finally cracked and told her that I cannot be her buddy-buddy friend and come to the rescue when she is sad or depressed. That I can't be around her if I expect to ever get past her, I can't be near her while I'm still in-love with her knowing she doesn't return the sentiment. She reacted poorly to this, said that she didn't need me in her life. She told me she had searched for enough love to tell me this was all a mistake and that she wants to try again. She said she can't find that love and knows her and I will never be again. She said it was time to file the divorce paperwork and sent me the link where she was going to do the paperwork online. At this point I threw in the towel and started to force myself to cut her off emotionally from my heart (didn't do to well, but tried).

So for two weeks I had no contact with her other than what's necessary with our daughter. I was cold and quick to end conversations on the phone and had no contact in person with her. Last thursday she sent me an email. In short, she asked if I'd be interested in taking our daughter up to play in the snow for the first time as a reward for doing so well with potty training (she is two and a half). She said "I know you can't stand being around me" and "If you don't want to I totally understand and will do something else".

I was in a pretty good mood and my response was not cold, as it had been for the two previous weeks. Instead I responded that I'd like to take her to the snow, that I thought we would all have a great time and that our daughter deserves it. I went on to say that it's not that I can't stand to be around her, it's not that I hate her, I don't. I told her I can't be around her because I am still in-love with her and being near her without being able to hold her tight is too hard for me, it makes me fall to pieces.

All along she has been very adamant that there is no chance again for us. She has been hard-set on this decision and has shown no holes in her defenses. When she responded to my email, I was very curious. She said this exactly; "Why do you love me? I am a horrible person. I have totally destroyed all our lives. I'm sorry for everything". WOW! My mind of course is swimming in confusion at this point. I ask her where this is all coming from. She responds that she has had a lot of time to think about things. I tell her that I know what I want, but that it's too late. She says "I hate to admit it, but it's never too late. Atleast that's what people tell me." Yep, you can guess that my heart is kinda pounding by now and I'm feeling emotions rush in that I have not felt in months. I ask her what she is feeling in her heart right now, she says "Part of me wants to try to make it work again, but I don't know if you could ever trust me again". I tell her I don't know either, but it's time for her and I to talk in person, she agrees. She tells me she can't understand why she can't just let herself love and be happy. I have wondered this for 8 years. She has been through much pain in her life, the love she has given and been given through her childhood came with high prices in pain and hurt.

I go to her apartment that night hoping to talk, she is soo exhausted that she falls asleep before our daughter does. I stay awhile watching tv. I wake her up to tell her I'm going and she asks me to stay. I do. The next day we have a nice time at lunch shopping for snow clothes. The trip the following day was great, except she gets sick... Strep throat. High fever and miserable despite her efforts to have a nice time. Our daughter had a blast and my wife tells me that she had a wonderful time and that even just being stuck in the car in the blizzard for 4 hours was a nice getaway. When we got back I asked if she'd like to have dinner, just her and I within the next few days to talk. She tells me "I'll let you know".

I take her to the Doctor the next day, I mention that the ball is in her court and that I'm ready to talk when she is. She says "Now is not the place and time". I say that I know. Later that night (this is yesterday) she tells me on the phone, when calling to say hi to our daughter, that she is not sure what she wants, that she just doesn't know. I told her it's been difficult making up my mind, but that I'm ready to talk when she makes up her mind.

So here is the jist of this entire epilogue I've typed... I don't know what to do next. I know I want her back, I know if she is willing, we can turn this all into a positive and have a happier, more beautiful marriage and life using the lessons we've learned. I know I can forgive her, even though it will be very difficult, and will take much time. I'm afraid that I may be pushing too hard for her to talk about this. I wonder if maybe she wants me to take command and tell her we must try this again, or atleast have a very open discussion about it. I don't know if it's time to be patient again, or if I need to sieze this opportunity before the window closes. This is soo risky for me, here I am with my heart open on a platter, ready for her to do with as she pleases, I'm afraid she may plunge the knife into it again. I'm not sure I could take it.

Any advice? Especially from any Ladies who may have been in my wife's shoes?

Thanks
JD


Sorry for the diatribe, I know it was a long read.

If you love someone then set them free. If they come back to you then it was meant to be. If they don't return, then a lesson from this you shall learn...If you love someone set them free.
Quit trying to force her to make up her mind. My husband is doing the same and the more he pushes the more I stay away and inform him that I don't now what I want. Time will tell, pressure will only end up biting you in the butt. you may love her, but if she doesn't love you then what good will that be? People change and yes, it is tough when there are children involved, but why try and make a marriage work just cos of the kid or what you want? It will never work unless you both want it. Don't mean to sound so harsh, but it is the whole truth and I hae many more years behind me in a relationship then you do.

I don't know what to tell you. I am in your wifes shoes, very much. Although my husband is not so.....well. I love him, I love him so very much. I want to be the one to encourage him to succeed, to laugh, and whatever. But I am not attracted to him.....I love him but I am trying to figure out if I am "in" love with him. I know that it will kill him if I don't stay. I want to be in love with him. I just can't make these feelings of "I can't do this anymore" go away. We still live together. I want to leave but I am so so so afraid of being alone. I am stuck trying to decide if I should just deal with what I have and be happy about it or take a risk and go on my own. I know that decisions are so hard right now for you; remember they are for your wife too. I wish I could tell you; I wish you could tell me. I am still waiting for a little help from above.