Hi there everyone
My name is Nicole,I am 25 yrs old. I was recently married in June of this year. My husband and I have been discussing our future these past few weeks,house,car,pets,and kids,etc..
Anyway I want to try to have a baby now,but my husband wants to wait until he knows if this job he has is going to be secure,well it could be 3 yrs before we know. I'll tell you why it will take that long. He works for the DOD=Department of Defense and once hired you are required to apply for a security clearance and becaue of his age it will take even longer. I had been looking forward to having a baby for a long time and he wants to put our family on hold for this clearance that he may never get. I tried to tell him what is wrong with trying and if we get pregnant,we still have to wait 9 months for the baby to come,that gives us time. Yes he has a money issue too,he wants to get completely out of debt before we have a child! No one is ever out of debt! We have $12,000 in debt and that depresses him,last year we had $30,000 and what we got now,that's not bad. I know i'm skipping around here but it's frustrating. Now that we had this discussion and all,i'm depressed everyday cause I want a baby so bad,I cry when I wake up in the morning and then when we go to bed,I cry again. I see other couples with babies I start to cry,I see a baby on tv,I cry. Yes I am VERY VERY sensitive.

Do you think he's scared to have a family? I try to talk to him more about this and he just gets upset and he'll say Nicole,we've talked about it and I'm not going to talk about it anymore.

What should I do to put my emotional feelings aside until he's ready?

Dear Newlywed, I know all about the baby-craving thing (if you see my posts, you'll see that's an issue I never satisfactorally settled with my husband, and the repercussions have been very painful). That said, I see two things here. First, you've barely been married, what, a year? Naturally you're eager to do the NEXT big thing: Have a baby. By all means, prepare to get pregnant. Start taking folic acid. Get in great physical shape beforehand (did you know that bellydancing supposedly develops the muscles in your abdomen and back that will give you easier labor) and make plans for where the baby will live etc. BUT, second, there's one big thing you want to do before you get pregnant: Figure out if your husband is a controlling jerk. It's not that his arguments about financial security don't make sense: It's the way he seems to think it's only HIS decision!!! He says, "You know we've talked about this." Talked about it? Or did his Lordship pass down a decree? I'd make real sure about my marriage before breeding with this high-handed man, if he's really talking to you like it sounds like in your post. There's a lot of preparation, psychological and otherwise, before making babies. If he's putting you off and not even working toward that goal, I would be concerned about his real agenda. At least you're young enough to study your situation carefully and honestly before you get pregnant! One suggestion: If you don't have a pet (cats are good) get one. See how H does with it, and you'll have a good notion of whether he WANTS to nurture a kid.

Oops!!! Posted to the wrong thread. What a goof!

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: curious53 ]</small>

Ok, here is my $.02 worth.

You said you got married in June of this year. That was only a couple of months ago. Don't you want to get out, enjoy life and do all the things that are 10 times harder when you have to bring a child along? Enjoy your newly married life together, enjoy the time with just the two of you. Because once you have that child there will never be just the 2 of you again.

I have to agree with your husband. I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world when I'm financially strapped or could possibly loose my job. Yes, I agree most of us are living in debt, but that doesn't mean we all feel the same way about it. My H and I have been married for a little over 2 yrs. I am 26 yrs. old and we have quite a bit of debt racked up as well. This stresses me out! But it doesn't bother my H that much. I can't blame your husband for wanting to wait until you are more finacially secure.

Now on your end. I also would like to have a child. I go through fazes where all I want is a little offspring of mine to love and cherish. But then I realize once I do, my life is forever changed. I can't just get up and go on a weekend getaway or join the co-workers after work for a happy hour - without worrying about who's going to watch the baby? Someone mentioned on an earlier post to get a pet. This is WONDERFUL advise. I got myself a puppy. Puppies are like kids to an extend. You can't go on weekend trips without them, they require your constant attention for the first couple years of their life (going outside every few hours to go potty - being supervised at all times to make sure they don't chew your furniture, etc....).
Share your motherly feelings and love with a puppy and watch your husband. See how he reacts/interacts with he dog. Does he play with the dog, does he show love and affection to the dog, does he help you clean up when the dog has an accident, etc...

Again, this is just my opinion. I think you have to respect what your husband wishes. Give him a little time to adjust to married life and he'll come around. He sounds like he wants children, just not tomorrow.

Best of luck,
rooner

(((MrsFinch)))

First off, CONGRATS on the marriage! It's fun to be a "New-bie Wed"! (I got married June 2001, but am in my early 30's)

Secondly, let me give you some hope ---

My husband talked like yours as well... couldn't commit, even to the IDEA of kids. It made me really sad, depressed and I kind of felt like I was badgering him just for asking. (Baby fever is intense, especially after 30!)

This summer though, we visited his family out-of-state... there were Grandparents, Empty-Nesters, Parents, Newly Weds, Young Single People, and children running around.

I think the world of family finally "clicked" in his mind. Where he had only seen negatives with children, now he saw the magic of children!

Okay, now that I've shared this wonderful news, here are some ideas that my new guy and I are following right now....

The beginning years of marriarge are about negotiating:
How will we live? How do WE do things here? Who will take out the trash and who will pick up the dry-cleaning?

Right now you are laying the foundation for the next 50 or 60 years!

Moving on... getting ready for baby can take a while because you have to negotiate a whole brand-new relationship. And your husband seems to be thinking "first things first," just like mine.

For instance, when there is a crying baby it's hard to communicate or talk with each other, much less show love at a 4am feeding!

There's still lots of time for you to have a baby, so, Think Positive! Now is a perfect time to do all of the preparation that can help you be the best wife and mother ever...

Read this entire website and share with hubby.
Be relentless --- Use the POJA, Meet each others Emotional Needs, take all the action Dr. Harley suggests!

Then with your relationship running happily along...

Learn everything you can on parenting and child development with the internet
(I like www.parenting and www.parenthood)
Organize your new home/apt and run it efficiently
(I luvvv www.organizedhome)
Start your pre-natal vitamins now, it's not too early
(talk with your pharmacist)
Excercise and learn proper nutrition
(oprah.com has current info)
Save money, Save money, Save money!

Good Luck!

I don't know what to say but I can offer my personal experience. It took me 17 YEARS to have a baby, with no explanation. They didn't really find anything wrong with all of the tests we had done. Because we waited so long, she was a wonderful surprise, our 17 year miracle baby. She's very sweet and easy going, and quite pretty to boot! We feel very blessed.

I don't know if you saw Oprah a few weeks ago, but it was about how hard it can be to get pregnant after 35. Many women are finding they can't have kids after putting their careers first. After 40, 90% of your eggs are defective.

I'm not trying to scare you. But I would really consider that when you do start trying, you may not be able to get pregnant right away. It can take years. Also, I don't think anybody ever really feels 'ready' to have a baby so don't let that scare you.

We used to travel a lot, eat out, etc. Now we just take her with us and it's been great! Oh, and you do get more sleep than those complaining people lead you to believe! That is if you have a supportive husband who helps out.

Good luck

maggierose-
Thanks for bringing up that Oprah show, that show really got my attention and changed my whole life probably!

Like the other women on that show, I was under the impression that I could concieve easily after 35 and even into my 40's.

Now my husband and I are planning on delivering while I'm 32.

My Grandmother had my mom at 35... I've always waited 'til the last minute on everything, hope it works out with baby!

BTW, congratulations on your Miracle Baby! She sounds like the absolute perfect baby and daughter.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>