hello. i came to this site shortly after 6-1-01 (d-day) and i came for a while. life got busy and now i am revisiting. i don't know what to do. My husband has physically and emotionally abused me for about half of our marriage (8 yrs in jan). During this time he has thrown stuff at me, spit on me, hit me over the back with a wooden flag pole & knocked the breath out of me, given me a black eye, and cheated me. Now, we have a 5 year old son, Peyton. I dont feel like Gary respects me. He never really does anything for me and will call me a stupid bit-h, a fat bit-h, and other names i won't mention. We did go to counseling right after I found out about him cheating on me. It didn't really help much. Last Friday nite, I got upset and hit him (not very hard) on the neck area. He then punched me with his fist as hard as he could. Still have a knot right above my ear. And when I got home today, he was talking to me and I was trying to listen to what Peyton was saying. He asked me about a minute later and because I said "huh", I am a stupid bit-h because I don't listen. Can somebody PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE HELP ME. I have asked him to move out (maybe in with his mom) so we could try to work things out and he won't go. I just started a new job about a month ago at the Department of Veterans Affairs but I can't afford to move out right now. Can someone please help me. I don't know what to do

Helpless in Milwaukee

" Can somebody PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE HELP ME. I have asked him to move out (maybe in with his mom) so we could try to work things out and he won't go. I just started a new job about a month ago at the Department of Veterans Affairs but I can't afford to move out right now. Can someone please help me. I don't know what to do
Helpless in Milwaukee "

I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. Like yours, my X progressed from cursing me out to throwing things to blows. When I threw my ex out I had a 5 year old and a part time job. I was worried about how to pay my bills, too, but I was determined not to stay in a situation that was getting worse and worse. I faced some tough times, but my life eventually became much better than it had been-I realized looking back that I had become so used to an angry, unsafe relationship that I didn't realize how bad it was until I was out of it.

In my state, it is possible to get a court order to evict an abusive spouse from the home without having to get a legal separation. You can also get court ordered support payments. You can check with an attorney or your local battered women shelter to see if this is true of your state. Milwaukee is a big enough city that it probably has some sort of services for victims of spousal abuse. There are people who are trained to help you with this sort of thing, no need to go it alone.

I found the book "Getting Free" by Ginny NiCarti to be extremely helpful. It talks you step by step through concerns tha you have, such as how do you manage financially, what if you still love him, and many other concerns.

Please be assured, you are not stupid and you are not helpless. There are people who are willing and able to help. You do not want your little boy to grow up thinking this is how people behave in a marriage. I don't know whether your husband can change once he realizes he can lose you, or whether your only chance for safety is to leave him for good, but the odds are overwhelming he will not change as long as there are no consequences to him for his abuse.

FINALLY, someone who needs advice I can actually give!!!!

I have some experience working with victims of domestic violence (I worked in a shelter for a year and am currently doing counseling for victims as part of my internship for my Masters).

Your story, I know. I know lots of ladies who have been through what you are going through.

The best way to get help is to seek out a domestic violence shelter in your area. If you are not sure where to look, call the national DV hotline--1-800-799-SAFE. They can refer you to local resources. DV shelters are not just shelters, they have many other resources available to victims. You will likely find counseling specific to your experience, as well as community resources that can help you with transitional housing, rent subsidies, utility assistance, and legal assistance.

Lots of people avoid shelters because of the stigma (living in a shelter with your kids is embarrassing at the least). But, if you are not safe, you need to become safe for the sake of your children and yourself. The kids hear what is going on with you and your H, and they internalize it. A shelter can be a safe haven in the storm--and give you enough time to save up money from your new job.

And NO NO, you are not crazy for loving your husband. You are far from alone, too. Go to DV counseling, learn about the cycle of violence and how abusers manipulate their victims.

Again, you are NOT crazy, you are not a stupid bytch (as you know in your heart), and there ARE people who can help you and who understand exactly how you are feeling (scared, ashamed, in love...). Find them--you can do it!!!

Good luck, and you can email me through the board (I think) if you need more encouragement!
EJ

Dear Helpless,

The above 2 responses give good advice. I endorse it as well.

Don't be afraid to go to a shelter. I won't go into how, but I ended up in one in May 2002. Not from abuse by my WH though. In the shelter I found allies in the counselors and in the other women there. It was SUCH a relief to know I wasn't the only one who missed my abuser or made excuses for him. My kids were happy to be safe and to know that I was safe.

Sure, it was inconvenient. And some of the rules seemed stupid and arbitrary. But it did me SO much good. Gave me a chance to catch my breath in a safe environment and get some counseling to help me when I left. They can also help you with any assistance you need such as food stamps, medical care and even housing. Also, here in Texas being in a DV shelter gets you preferential treatment by some of the aid agencies. You can get bumped to the head of the line for certain things because of the nature of your emergency.

The damage my children suffered from seeing the abuse was FAR worse than the injuries I sustained. It hurts me to this day that they have had to deal with things no child should ever have to deal with.

GET THEE OUT NOW! If not for yourself, for your little boy.

Feel free to email me at suzpreuss@yahoo.com

BTW--

Lots of victims lash out and hit their abusers in utter desperation.

DON'T do it. Don't touch him again. You don't want to get arrested (I have had LOTS of clients with jail time and POs because they hit their abusers and left a mark. The law doesn't recognize the truth of DV, only that people are hitting eachother).

Leave, get safe, don't hit him again (no you were not abusive or bad, just angry and desprate--it happens all the time!)
EJ

iluvracing20-
From my experience, the abuse only gets worse. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My boyfriend in high school sounds just like your husband. While walking down the hall to class, he spit on me in front of everyone in my face. When I got to my locker one time, he had written s*ut on it. (I was not..)(am not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Anyway, he was always calling me some horrid name, leaving bruises, bumps, torturing me in any way he could. And yes, I loved him. In fact, I was so immersed, that I couldn't tell that this behavior was really wrong in any way. I was controlled by him, and convinced that no one else would ever love me. He told me that I was stupid, and would never amount to anything.

I guess I could go on and on. It hurts so bad just thinking about it. Leaving him was worse than quitting smoking. I'm glad that I moved to another state. I called him a couple of times, but within a year, I had emotionally moved on.

I realize now that I had been brainwashed. I'm still surprised that my current/only H has NEVER ONCE cussed at me. Never called me any kind of name. Never grabbed me, pushed me, tripped me or scolded me. Never told me I was stupid. Never raised his voice in anger.

I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but the thing I remember most about my boyfriend of 4 years is the evil look in his eyes. When I saw that look, I knew something bad was going to happen. Current H has Never looked at me like that. Sure he gets grumpy, but not like that.

The reason I posted this is because at the time, I had a real hard time understanding that I wasn't being too sensitive, or that I deserved it in some way. Sometimes I even thought I was making it up or liked it.

Most of all I didn't see an escape route. He was my entire world.

Now, (years later), I don't wonder if I'm being too sensitive. Too sensitive about what???? There's nothing to be sensitive about unless you count love, admiration and a life I feel safe in.

So, my advice is don't doubt yourself if you are, because it sounds like your intuition is giving you a ten second lead on this guy. The posts above have the best advice ever, so good luck, and stay strong. Hugs from one survivor to another.
-bbs

Sorry to hear about your troubles.
It sounds like your husband has physically,
emotionally,and spiritually abandoned you.
I think he is abusing you in all senses of the
word.
I have been through something similiar.
Getting away and regrouping is the probably a
good idea. If you can.
My prayers are with you. Continue not to speak
badly about your husband around your child.
He'll find out eventually about the abuse. Maybe/
maybe not.
Continue to go God in care, seek out wholesome
counseling.

My advise comes from my own personal experience. I was a child of abusive parents. They were abusive to each other. My father was always good to me, but very abusive to my mother. The night he punched her and the blood gushed from her face was tramatic. I will never forget it. I was 7 then, I am 43 now. Parents put up with a lot of things in the name of "Love" and "because of the children". I didn't feel anything but terrified as a child, as an adult, I blame both my parents, especially my mother, for raising me in that environment. I suffer from anxiety attacks to this day and find it hard to have a relationship with another person. My advice to you would be to "Please" remove the child from the situation!!! No matter what you feel for this man, your child will suffer forever.

Do everything possible to remove yourself and your child from this dangerous and volatile situation!!!! You are not at fault...HE IS!!!