Hello all -

I usually hang out in the GQII forum, but since I know my WW filed on me on Tuesday of this week, I guess I have to start hanging out here more....

If you are unfamiliar with my sitch, here is the Cliffs Notes version:

My WW and I moved from our hometown in TX to Philly for 4 years so she could become a podiatrist. Most of my work was out of town (hence the MB handle), so I was able to provide for us as long as there was an airport nearby. Usually, I was gone one week a month, and when I was home, I had a good deal of free time. This past May, she was offered, and accepted, a very excellent surgical residency in Los Angeles. We had only a two week notice to have her here and ready to work. We sold the house, packed up, and moved completely across the country. Once here, I had a larger than usual project that kept me away for almost three months solid. She got lonely, and you know what happened. I flew home on Thanksgiving Day, we had a nice dinner, and then she promptly asked me for a divorce. I later found out she was having an A with another resident at a nearby hospital that she worked closely with. He is married and has a now 5 year old son. She moved out in December, and I tried to Plan A as best I could with very limited contact. She now has filed D papers with him simultaneously at his behest (She cried on my shoulder yesterday for a solid 5 minutes, so I know her heart is still with me) on Tuesday, 02/01/05. I am now considering my options, the most appealing of which is to move to TX and continue my education and start a new life.

I have done so very much for her, and she appreciates none of it. She can throw away a 14 year relationship for a guy she has known for only 4 months! I would like some feedback on my imminent decision - please see Should I Stay or Should I Go?.

I am very surprised she filed on me...I gues I expected for things to work out different....

TM

TM, Sorry you're here. I read your post on GQII. Though it probably seems like forever, it really hasn't been that long since D'Day, and, unfortunately WS's don't usually come out of the fog quickly enough for us (mine never did).

For those who can handle Plan A, it allows you to show her what she'll be missing while you work on yourself. If you decide to continue Plan A for a while, don't listen to what she says. She's in the fog and may treat you like nothing more than a back-up plan. This is "normal" for fogged WS's.

Plan A as long as you can, but for those who can't (this included me with a lying, abusive WH) Plan B is better. It relieves you of the burden of avoiding LB'S when you really feel like LB'ing and protects the love you still have for your WW while allowing you to detach. It allows her to see what life will be like without you.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If you decide on Plan B, do you know about the Plan B letter?

Good luck. Again, sorry you're here...

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

LetSTry -

Thank you for the post...

Yes I have read SAA, and I have tried to Plan A, although my WW has limited her contact with me. Most of the time, she will not even return my calls.

I have begun work on my PBL, and will post it once I have a rough draft. Can you Plan B once the WS has filed on you?

Also, please see my post in GQII to help me with my decision on whether to move or stay...I have rec'd replies that are all over the board, and would like to arrive at some kind of a consensus...and I will have to decide fairly quickly as I have given my landlord notice that I will be vacating this house at the end of the month - rent here is atrocious...

The more I think about leaving town, the more it appeals to me. 2 months after being seperated she files on me? Sheeeeesh...

Methinks there is outside pressure on her....

TM

Sounds like there could be outside pressure to me too. She seems to be taking things very quickly. Because she's in the fog you don't really know what her motivation is. Maybe she is feeling so guilty she just wants to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I was friends with a woman several years ago who hooked up with a M man. She was a single mother and had just broke up with her longtime BF. She was panicked because she had no where to go . She was also very attractive and hooked up with this guy in a hurry. He ended up getting a QUICK D from his pregnant W and marrying this woman. The whole thing happened in less than a year. Well within six months he was back, begging his XW forgiveness and D the other woman. They are now happily married again. Just an example of how crazy people can get sometimes.


Only you know how much of this you can take. I was in plan A for a little over four months and that's all I could stand. You have to go into plan B knowing in YOUR heart that you did all you could do. That level is different for everybody, only you know when you reach that point.

IMO, the level of stuff a person would be willing to take is a lot less when there aren't any kids involved. I know I would have kissed it goodbye a LONG time ago if I didn't have kids caught in the middle of it. GOOD LUCK!

I take it, TravelinMan, you've been a California resident long enough for CA divorce law to apply? You might be able to tie up the divorce for a while if not, in which case staying may be a good idea.

On the other hand, depending on where in TX, financially you are probably better off in TX.

Ultimately, I think it has to do with what's in your heart. If you still have hope and want to save your marriage, being on hand to pick up the pieces is a good idea.

I have a feeling that once the OM figures out that he'll only be seeing his son every other weekend, things with OM might change. Divorce can get ugly quickly, and OM may rethink his position once he finds out what he has to lose. Hopefully it's a lot.

Sorry you're here.

TM,

I am also sorry you are over here on D/D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've posted to you a couple times over on GQII, but really don't have any advice on this one. I guess this is "LL's how NOT to do things" advice:

I did it all wrong. I had 3 months to be a nutcase on my XH before I found MB. Then I tried to Plan A, but wasn't good at it at first. Once I got the hang of a better Plan A, he moved out, so then I was trying to do it from a distance. Like you, my XH was very bad about not returning my calls, so it was a rather one-sided Plan A at best.

MBers tried HARD to get me to do a Plan B before I went nuts or lost my urge to stay with him. I tried it for 2 weeks and blew it.

So I was sort of in a perpetual Plan A with very limited contact until I finally had enough of his threats and filed for DV in August, and I guess you could still call it a Plan A to this day, though I have no real hope of ever reconciling with him.

My sitch was complicated by his alcohol use and some recreational drugs though. You don't have that, so I think you're in a much better position overall.

But advice--the only advice I have is to stay with us on these boards. There are a lot of people with great advice and a lot of valuable experience. And for me, just being able to come to this community of people who understand, at 2am, when I was going nuts, and have them help me get a grip has been a godsend!

LL

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Thanks starman, greengables, and lordslady....

I have drafted a Plan B letter...if you have the time, please review/comment on it here.

I spokw with my WW this morning for about 40 minutes, and we had a very calm, rational talk. She tells me she is so overwhelmed by her responsibilities that she cannot even consider what the conequenses to her actions will be months from now. She also tried to put the resposibility for her filing on my shoulders - that I "pushed her over the edge"....I didn't let her get away with that....I told her that she needs to stand up and accept any/all decisions she makes - no scapegoats. I said it nicely, though.

I am terrified of being alone once I move to TX (I have been with my WW since I was 17), but I am starting to learn how to stand independently. It is such a long process...

TM