I wasn't sure what topic this belonged to, so I decided to post under "Other Topics". My husband and I have emerged from several months of serious conflict still together, but with nothing really resolved from what I can see.

My husband and I have been married for over 14 years-a second marriage for me and a first for him. I have a son from a previous marriage. When I met H, I was almost 40 (he is younger), and almost 41 when we married. When it looked like we were starting to get serious about each other, I told him I did not see myself having any more children, because of my age, and that if this was a problem for him perhaps we should find other partners. He accepted this and wanted to marry me anyway. For almost 14 years he did not say or do anything to suggest this was not okay with him. This is one point we both agree on-that I was clear with him from the start, that he said he agreed, and that he did not suggest anything to the contrary for years.

Last November, about a year after I reached menopause, H came to me crying and saying that for several years he had felt he wanted a child of his own, and that he could no longer keep this desire secret from me. I felt the bottom drop out from under me. Not only could I no longer give him a child of his own, but apparently he had been keeping an important secret from me for years, leading me to wonder if I could even trust him. But I could see how sad he was and I hurt for him.

He made an appointment to see our pastor, who tried to get H to see that he might want to look within himself first to see what was going on. H did see a counselor, but it was obvious that his focus was on getting me to agree to have a child. At first he wanted me to try in vitro fertilization with a donor egg, then it was let's adopt a child. I felt really torn-I don't want to be a mother all over again at my age-my son is an adult and I want to be a grandma, not a mom. But I could see how sad my husband was. I asked H what he would do if after giving it careful consideration I said no to adopting a child, and he said he would leave me. By that time I was seeing a counselor. I came to realize i could not bring a child that I did not want into my marriage to try to save it- that was too big a burden to put on a child. I think children need two parents who are crazy about them and want them.

So there followed several months of H vacillating about whether to leave or not. He was very angry at me for not wanting a child-he kept asking how I could deny him something so basic to a marriage, and did not seem to understand my point of view at all. He talked about how if we split up he might not find anyone else and we'd both have to have mortgages (our house is just about paid for), but nothing about loving me and not wanting to give me up. For my part, I tried to listen to him non defensively (and succeeded sometimes), and told him if he felt he needed to leave our marriage to find someone he could have a family with, I would try to let him go without rancor. I thought several times of asking him to leave-he was so angry and critical I wanted him gone. The funny thing is, every time I got up my nerve to ask him to leave, at least temporarily, before I could do so he would do something to give me hope. One of those things was to agree to see a counselor (another was to plan a cruise for my summer break from work, right when I was about to tell him I was going off on my own and to please move out while I was gone). We saw the counselor for a few weeks, and she said she thought there must be other problems in the marriage if he felt he could leave it, that she could not imagine him leaving an otherwise happy marriage for that reason. I agreed-one of the things that troubled me all along was the realization that when he married me, he felt as though I was worth giving up the prospect of a child for, but 14 years of marriage to me had disabused him of that notion. I wanted to know how I could do better and meet his needs more, but he insisted that he was happy other than not having a child. (Except for those times when he insisted that I had never met anyo f his needs and that I get everything I want and he gets nothing.) She suggested that he make a decision either to stay and work on the marriage to make it good enough that he would not regret not having had a child, or to separate, but not make any big decisions like selling the house right away. She did tell him he needed to make a decision that he could take responsibility for.

After that session, he asked if I'd be willing to host a foreign exchange student. I said it sounded like it could be a lot of fun, but was it fair to a student to invite him or her into a home that might be breaking up? He said "Well, maybe I changed my mind." I thought "maybe", but figured this was a start and we could address this with the counselor. Once we got back from our cruise, he refused to go to the counselor anymore, saying he didn't think she had helped us and that it was a waste of time.

So now we have the exchange student, who is a delightful young lady, but we don't talk about what happened. If I try to, he stonewalls me, and if I try to push it, he accuses me of wanting to start a fight. I am not sure anything is really resolved. I don't know whether he stayed with me out of love or because he wants a paid up house. He seems a lot happier than he was, and we have fun together, but I'm scared this issue will pop up again someday-that maybe he will use our experience with the student to convince me that we really need another child, and then get angry if I don't agree. And I'm afraid that with the whole topic of our recent horrible times taboo between us, what little intimacy we have left will wither away. But I'm afraid to bring anything up because of the barrage of anger I faced before-it was so hurtful I do not feel safe.

I have been trying to meet his basic needs and avoid behaviors he finds painful-the problem is those behaviors seem to include seeing a marriage counselor and talking about us and our future! I'm not sure I want to stay in this marriage; I'm not sure I want to get out. I'd be grateful for any input.

Hi!

I promised I'd come and check in, and here I am! You want to copy and paste this one on to General Questions II. You'll get some responses over there, hopefully some with similar experiences.

I'm a bit younger than you, 32, and I have 2 little ones now - so I can't personally put myself in your shoes, but I'll try to give it my best shot and you can read - take what you want and leave the rest.

It's really sad that your husband didn't come to you sooner and tell you how he was feeling. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, and it would have been great if things could have been worked out the instant any of us who find ourselves here were told there was any little marriage issue as soon as it began right?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The thing that comes to mind here is a little bit of compromise. You were willing to take the foreign exchange student, and your H feels the need to nurture - what about doing some foster care? Not for babies, but for older children that need a nice Mom like you? He will get his nurture thing, toss the ball around, soccer coach, parent teacher conference... You have already done it so you know the score - is it something you might be willing to consider?

Do you feel safe, loved, and protected in your marriage? How far are you willing to go to work on it? What kind of lines do you want to draw?

Marriage counseling is really something that you need to get into. Even if you start going on your own. I love my shrink! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Post this over on GQ2, hopefully you'll get some more ideas.

Elizabeth

And hey - Welcome to MB! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for your response.

How do I get to General Questions II? It doesn't come up on the list I get when I select "Issues".

I suggested foster parenting when this first came up. H's response was negative-he wanted a child he could consider his own. When I told him I would not adopt a child with him, then he suggested becoming foster parents, but added, "and if the child became available for adoption and we really liked the child, could we go ahead and adopt?". So I did not feel safe agreeing to be a foster parent because it seemed like we would just be postponing the argument, this time with a kid there to overhear and be hurt.

I am in counseling on my own, and it has been very helpful. I liked the joint counseling because it gave us a safe space to discuss difficult issues.

When I come to the forum I see this. Then I scroll down the page a little and there is a whole list of things.

General Questions II is under Infidelity, about halfway down the page, but it doesn't have to be about infidelity. Sometimes there are even questions about how to change a flat tire. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anything in an emergency!

Here is a link for GQ2.

Keep going to your counseling, and hopefully he'll get back into it soon. I wish I could be more help....

E

I did find General Questions II, thanks. I finally wound up posting my post under Emotional Needs though because it didn't involve infidelity, and it does involve emotional needs, kinda.