Hi all,

WH and I are in the very, very beginning stages of possible recovery. I know this is a bad time to be making major decisions, but I find myself trying to figure out a way we could get a divorce without destroying my kids.

We've had several false recoveries since d-day over a year ago and each one tore me up more. The constant betrayal, the choice to not pay any child or spousal support for over a year, the choices to be physically absent from our family for 2/3 of the year have left me really wondering if it's even worth trying again.

I filed for divorce a month ago but put the process on hold at his request because he apparently wants to get our family back together.

My question is for those of you with kids or those of you who experienced divorce. Do your experiences support the theory that, barring physical abuse, kids are better with parents who are married regardless of the state of the parental relationship?

I've got two little kids - 2 and almost 4. Given WH's almost constant absences for the past couple of years (either work or school or OW), they barely remember him living with us. We now have separate residences with a (mostly) amiable relationship and are considering a 50/50 parental responsibility split.

How bad is it for my kids if we cut our losses, preserve the amiability we have now and the status quo of us not being together (instead of trying to get back together only to have it fall apart later when the kids are older) and just call it a day?

I am not trying to discount the pain of divorce for children nor am I looking for an excuse to avoid the pain of recovery. I'm just honestly not sure if I want this marriage anymore but the thought of being the one who ends the relationship and the possibility of my kids living in an intact family completely causes me a lot of grief.

Thanks,

Gris

IMHO, instability is worse. If a parent leaves, comes back, leaves, comes back, the children can't build a life for themselves. I think it's also worse if the two parents hate each other. I don't that that teaches our children anything of value either.

Of course, it's best if parents are happily married to each other. My youngest tells me at least twice a month that it isn't fair that her parents are separated because she missed me while she's with her dad and misses her dad while she's with me. Sometimes, her spin is slightly different. "It isn't fair that only me and A's parents are divoced." And she says it as if she expects her fellow classmates' parents to divorce in order for them all to be in the same situation!

On the other hand, my 8-year old remembers what it's like when Mommy and Daddy fight at night. And let me tell you, there were some doosies at the end when I refused to just go along with B to keep the peace. It was horrifying.

So, in my opinino there are things that are worse for the children.

It is always worse for the kids to be in an unstable, unhappy environment. Sure, divorce is hard on them, but living with an absentee parent and one that demeans and abuses is much worse. they are just learning bad habits, especially if they are boys as they will think that what Daddy does is what I should do. Get out of there and make your own way. Your kids will adapt even tho it will be hard, but it will be much more difficult if you stay in a very unhealthy environment. Life does go on even tho it doesn't seem like it will.

I think that living a lie teaches your children nothing good.

griselda,

In my experience, my exH was verbally, emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. He had 13 A's that I could document, and two A's in which he completely left the family, disappeared for half a year and sent no support, and basically did not care about his own family because he was so wrapped up with OW.

This sounds pretty awful, doesn't it?

Anyway, due to my exH's choices, my kids and I were also frequently pretty much on our own, and eventually the kids got used to life without their dad. He would show up and leave, show up and leave, so they thought that was how dad's acted. HOWEVER, when he was home, my exH and I would stay up fighting all night, and the kids HATED that.

When the day finally came that I decided to separate from my exH, the kids' were 10yo and 12yo, and I thought for sure they would be devastated and angry with me. Instead, they were relieved! Not that they were angry at their dad or really understood what he had done...but they said it was too hard to never know if he was going to be there or not--or if we were going keep them up all night with our fighting.

We have been divorced now for almost two years, and I can honestly say that it was a wise decision. My children were not devastated. In fact, after moving into our own townhome, they have told me time and again that they are happy and that they feel safe in our home (which we chose together to dedicate to peace and respect). They see their dad more often now than they ever did before--and now it's on a regular basis (he sees our D more often, but our S is 18yo and okay with that). The courts have FORCED him to be a responsible parent, and it's a relief to me to not have to convince him!

If you are in a stable place in your life now, and if your kids are secure and happy, I think it is in their best interest to maintain STABILITY. Now, if your WH is willing to PROVE to you over a long period of time that he is able to add to that stability rather than destroy it...well then you might consider "recovery" IMHO.


CJ

My kids (4 and 6) have seen their father more often and more consistently since he moved out. While living with us he was never home.

Here, it has just been 6 weeks or so since he's moved out. The kids have adjusted and seem fine. They had been sleeping with me really for the past 6 months, but both have started sleeping in the own beds every now and then, so I know they are feeling more comfortable/protected/etc.