I have a question about an email message from a mutual acquaintance, "can't say friend" that my H and I have...

My Husband was setting her up with his brother..she is attractive and in her mid 30's. So my H wanted to help her and his brother get together. But the relationship never developed.

So in between my H was helping them out, trying to give them pointers for better communication, etc.

Well, I found out, He took her out for lunch and never told me... I let him know that I was left out of the looped, he said I never asked before who he ever went out to lunch with and found it no big deal. That's why he didn't tell me. He reassured me nothing was going on, just asked a friend out for lunch..no big deal.

Ok, fine. I found some emails they wrote to each other before this Lunch "engagement", that is what he called it. She asked questions about relationships and kind of opened her self to my H. He was kind of curious why she wasn't married at her age. She wrote this line to him " I really value our friendship"..

I did over react kind of crazy about this, first for not telling me about the luncheon and second for not keeping me inform about her. Is this line a red flag...should she have said "your friendship".

Just need to know If I was crazy for overreacting.

Thanks for your time.

MariD

Nope, you are not over reacting. All affairs starts as 'friends' and 'just talking.' If he saw nothing wrong with it, he would have told you about it.

My H's affair was also with MY friend but she ended up in MY bed. Married men should not be going out to lunch with other women, period. I used to be more flexible, but after they broke my heart, I woke up.

I don't know how crazy you acted about this but I probably would have done the same. It's easy for men to fall in a trap over another woman. If your husband is like mine, this girl is probably boosting his ego. I don't have any advice, but I did want you to know you are right to question this.

Maggie & Mam,

Thanks for your replies...

Maggie...I'm so sorry for your hurt. How long has it been for you? I know how it must feel, my situation is nothing compared to yours and I know the feeling of betrayal.

My H said he was never thinking on the line of sexual involvement or emotional with her. But why hide?.. He says that he no longer desires to go out to lunch unless its within a group. He told me he didn't want her to feel that he could conversate with her because he was married.

MAMAC....Thanks... just to know that you read my post and replied means alot to me. I went kind of crazy so he says,u know crying and shouting...

I was about to leave for a volleyball practice and when I saw the email messages I just wanted to drive away...somewhere but away..., but was unable to find the keys..so no telling what would of happened on the road.

My H tells me that I get validation from people who have had the same problem, and I get things in my mind. I say its not true at all.

I wanted to confront her and talk with her, I initially told her I wanted to speak with her. But I backed out. Then she went to my H and asked him was I all right. And he mentioned about the lunch incident. Now I feel that she knows that she was a threat to me and I didn't wanted it to go there, I just wanted her to back off...if she can not be friends with the 2 of us together and have the same conversations in front of me, then there can be no friendship. My H says that I am being too controlling by stating that.

Thanks for hearing me out.

MariD

I think you have 2 issues here-the issue of how you feel, and the issue of how you acted.
Concerning how you feel, I think your concern was not an over reaction. Your H does seem to be overly involved in this woman's life-not just wanting to introduce her to his brother, but wanting to facilitate the relationship and play counselor. That would make me feel uneasy, too.

I don't think your actions are going to get you where you want to go, though. I would pay attention to what your husband says about being too controlling. You can't really control where he goes, who he talks to, and what they say. You can tell him what hurts or bothers you, but that only has an impact when he is in a state of mind to care that you are hurt or bothered. So I think you need to find a neutral way to talk about this, sort of along the lines of "Sweetheart, you know I love you and trust you. I certainly don't think you are looking for an affair, and I know for sure I'm not. But we are both human and can be tempted, so it makes sense to avoid tempting situations. Can we each talk about what would bother us to have the other person do with a person of the opposite sex, without blaming? If it's too hard to do that right now, can we set a time next week to talk about it?" I think if you make it a non-blaming conversation about general rules that both of you honor to protect your marriage, rather than what sounds to him like an accusation, you will get farther. JMO.

I can understand you over reacting, but your husband may be totally innocent. While he should have kept you in the loop he may not realize this woman is after him. Several years ago a woman was after me. I coached her son in baseball. She kept asking me in front of my wife if I was stop by and look at her furnace, ect. A few times I stopped by to check something for her without mentioning to my wife. Which I later found out wasn't the right thing to do, but I had no interest in this woman. I did not even realize she was after me till my wife said something and I started thinking about her calling me just after she had gotten out of the shower, and mentioning something to me one time about how good she looked naked. After I thought about it I
felt pretty stupid because I never caught on, but I was happy at home my mind wasn't even thinking like that. I love my wife and had no intentions to do anything, but I could see where my wife could have thought differently. I would say this woman is after your husband, but I'm not to sure he's aware of it. I would bet it did not work out with his brother because she likes your husband.
I was totally innocent, but I sure could have looked totally ingaged. Talk to your husband and tell him your concerns and that you would rather him stay away from this woman. If he's innocent and love you and respects you he will. Good Luck

It happened 7 years ago, but they lied about it and I just found out last summer. I 'forced' the issue in counseling or he would have never told. When the counselor asked why he had lied he said 'I promised her I'd never tell." So he had a bond with her for 6 years, stronger than our marriage vows?

When it happened, they both said it was 'just talking' It was painful enough that we did separate for 9 mos, got into counseling, etc. we eventually started dating again.

My friendship with her was never resolved. She never admitted the truth or apologized. She did say she was just trying to be his friend. Funny, I don't have sex with my friends, do you?

I feel like I was used and humiliated by both of them. It's made it hard for me to trust or get close to female friends also.

good luck and keep posting

Hey,

Maggie, congratulations on rebuilding your marriage and on your new baby. Your focus will defintely change with giving life and raising your child together. I'm excited for you.

I have 4. Twins 14- G-B, B-12- and B-10. I am almost 40...got 2 more years, so am happy with my family that God has blessed me with.

Elspeth...very well said, had an "episode" yesterday and the advice you gave was excellent, tried to follow thru but I didn't get there. He feels that I have our relationship under a micrscope, and that I want to seperate from him, that I don't love him anymore...everything opposite of what I feel. He still says I over reacted at nothing...it was just common talk with people be it man or woman. He never had any malice intentions...understands where I come from but does not agree with how I feel about the situation.

He says I'm trying to get something out of him that wasn't there. He told me from the moment I found the emails that I would destroy the marriage and that this will not go away, because of the person I am.

I'm in a no win situation, he doesn't see any inappropiateness, never talked about us outside of marriage, knows his boundaries... then why do I continue to falsely accuse him?

I told it may be because of his private talk with these women and not informing me about them.
Keeping me out of the loop so to speak.

I just can not get out of this phase, can someone please give advice. thanks

Tim..thanks for your reply. You handled your self well in your situation. I do admire the fact that it wasn't hidden. That your wife was informed, because the woman talked in front of her. Not that what she was doing was wrong, but that your wife knew about her.

Did you tell your wife about the shower incident? and if so what was her reaction?

I believe if she spoke to my Husband in my presence that I don't think I would have such a problem. But she did not do that. I never knew about the 5 or 6 emails my H says that he can count, he never talked to her about our relationship, but took her out to lunch without me knowing. I'd asked when would I had known...and he said he would of asked me this ?" What do you think about me going out to Lunch with Hope" and this would after the fact that they had lunch.

Yes, I probably have some serious problems, but I am not stupid to the fact that he doesn't trust me to handle things either.

Like I said my situation is a no win. Like My H said I can get over it, or it will get me.

Thanks for giving an ear.

MariD.

"He says I'm trying to get something out of him that wasn't there. He told me from the moment I found the emails that I would destroy the marriage and that this will not go away, because of the person I am."

Because of the person you are? Ouch! No wonder it was hard for you to keep calm. That was a disrespectful judgement right there, wasn't it?
Still, this apparently a hot button issue for him right now, and maybe the best thing to do is drop it and move on.

"I'm in a no win situation, he doesn't see any inappropiateness, never talked about us outside of marriage, knows his boundaries... then why do I continue to falsely accuse him?
I told it may be because of his private talk with these women and not informing me about them.
Keeping me out of the loop so to speak.
I just can not get out of this phase, can someone please give advice. thanks
--------------------
Mari D."

I think he's more likely to tell you about talks or lunches he has with women in the future if he isn't afraid you'll take it to mean he's getting involved with someone. That won't happen unless you drop the subject for now.

The counselor that I am seeing now keeps telling me "Be curious" whenever my husband says or does something hurtful or seemingly out of proportion to the situation. I know from my own experiences over the past 9 months that that is easier said than done. The last thing you want to do when you think someone is being unfair is to be curious as to what that person means, "I'm too controlling? Tell me more. What have I done? How has it affected you? How do you feel about that?" I find it helps to practice being curious in less touchy situations, like, "Oh, your boss was on your case today? What did he do? How did that make you feel?" and work my way up to doing this when the person he gripes about is me. The point is, rightly or wrongly, he does feel this way, and this is information you need. (Of course, rightly or wrongly, you are concerned about his lunches and how you feel about that is information he needs, if he would only realize that, but he's not here right now.)

So you didn't do wrong to tell him how you felt about this to begin with, but I think it's time to drop the subject and move on.

MariD, I agree strongly with the rest here. That "lunch date" is a time bomb. First you start innocently and then it progresses from there. Dr. Harley discusses this in how affairs start. He has seen it hundreds of time and I speak from experience because my husband and another woman found themselves in just the same situation. She was very agressive with him and I found out she was "innocently" bringing him lunch to our house (he works from our home)and then telling him how much she'd like them to go away on a trip together (obviously without me!) She was married and had a son, like that matters. We often went out with her and her husband so it was really shocking, and really painful, to discover this. I say thank heaven you caught the situation. I also don't think there is any problem in "confronting" the woman with your information. I don't mean in an angry way or being mean, but I think it's best if you let her know that you are aware and have discussed the info with your husband and you are not afraid to discuss it with her. So what if she thinks you are threatened? Be confident you have a marriage to protect- a calm, friendly manner in dealing with it will let her know you are not threatened, just protective of a relationship in which you invested - who can blame you for that? Discussing it with both your husband and her just brings the whole thing out into the light so that everyone is on the same page and no one is hiding anything. After 20 years with my husband, I know that opposite-sex friendships and marriage, unless both marriage partners participate in the friendships openly, do NOT work.

Also agree that this is could be Classic.

According to Dr. H and my own experience, this is an example of how an A can start. A friendly lunch, some communication, a crush begins...

Many of the BS's on this site have given examples of FOG babble that was very convincing. "Nothing is happening, I think YOU'RE the one with the problem...."

I like the advice to be curious! My advice is: Trust what H does, not necessarily what H says.

This must be really tough now to sort out, so I'm glad that you've found everyone here, they've given great support and ideas for my issues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your support>

Yes, I need to let go and on...My H states he knows how affairs can start, and says he wasn't sharing any info with her about us as a couple.
She was asking questions for direction he says because at age 34 she still is not married.

My H is the kind of person that if you come to him for advice he will not give u the cold shoulder, he will start analyzing the situation and start asking questions. He can't just walk away no matter how dangerous he is walking that boundary line. As long as he doesn't cross it and handled its ok, even if he doesn't let me know.

Thanks,

MariD

No I did not say anthing at the time because I never took anything from it until later. Like I said I had now interest in another woman. I was very satisfied with my wife, so I truly missed every flirt she threw. Not until later when my wife mentioned she thought the woman was after me di I start getting the picture. I felt kind of stupid at first, but then I felt good because I realized how devoted and still consumed by my wife I was. That's why I say your husband may very well just be trying to help this woman without picking up on anything else.
Sounds like your getting it under control though.
The best thing for any relationship problem is communication. Find out the facts don't assume. that will get you nothing but trouble.

Tim, yes, what happened to my H sounds similar to your situation when its comes to the part of not knowing the indirect messages some women give.

Yes, I sure do need to stop assuming... and yes he was trying to help this woman and was not picking up any signals because he wasn't going there anyway. But.... I had a hunch that she might like him of course as a friend, she would talk with him when I wasn't around, ( we attend the same church), but no matter........... a Husband does not take out a single woman-especially if he knows her.... to lunch and not tell his wife about it.

And when I ask was he ever going to tell me, he said yes. But he would of placed the question in a hypothetical way, "oh, by the way would it be alright to take Hope out for Lunch" ...after the fact that he had already taken her out? My husband sees no inappropiateness in this because he did nothing.

Yes, u hit it right on the nose, its all about communication. At times I feel that I am ok and then at times I'm at square one.
Thanks,

MariD

I wont go into my saga but its deja vouz of almost all the above & worse. Do Not acknowledge this woman's existence. There is no point talking to her whatsoever - I promise you the "OW" (other woman) just doubles their efforts. I heard the excuses -
"I'm just trying to help"
"I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage" etc etc .

She got divorced from her husband soon after and she has a 4 yr old son!! It started around March of 2001 that I know of & though my H denies everything, does not even speak to me & yet remains under our roof I know it is still going on. I have suspected outright lies & driven to her place & found him parked there. I have seen phone bills & an email in the past.

Check the archived messages in your Yahoo messenger or whatever program you use to chat on computer with. Look at your phone bills, credit card statements. Even if you find something dont confront your husband just yet. They only learn to cover their tracks better next time, and lie, lie lie and become defensive and turn the conversation around to blame you for some stupid thing & say thats why they are unhappy. Be very careful if you get the "I need space, time to think, speech" or the "I love you but am not "in love" with you. AARRGH!!

Your H & OW are sharing at least conversation & time excluding you. This builds into a further relationship with her. Watch out. Try not to be critical or nagging. Play it cool. Be a little bit more independant that before and do things on your own with some friends or alone or with kids, but without asking him. It'll make him wonder. Change your habits & throw him for a loop. But never seek a friendship with another man. Do not confide in one either. Only talk to very few people you can trust.

My H has a cell phone & lap top that I dont have access to. He locks them away in the truck at night and has removed all his paperwork (phone bills, credit statements) from the house. - because he calls her constantly and has bought her gifts. He is only trying to get me to give him our house or agree to sell it. NEVER!! I'll be damned if I let that whore move in with him in my house. He says he's moving out but I've heard that for 1 1/2 yrs. At first I told him "emotional affair" & he screamed there is no such thing. THERE IS!! But I soon found out they'd been having sex while out of town for work at the same time & maybe even at my house when I was away!!

Be careful & keep your eyes open. Try to find out what your H feels is missing from your relationship (without being obvious) and fill that need of his. Read all the good info on this site. Just gather information for right now. If something IS going on, your H will still deny it and blame you for something totally different to change the subject. So wait until there really would be something solid to confront him with and know ahead of time how you will react. What steps are you prepared to take and could you go thru with those steps? They couldnt care less if we cry a river & tell them how much we love them & are a mess. They tell us we are lying & pretending.

I hope your situation is nOT this at all!! Good Luck.

although the way you approached the lunch date was not appropriate (too emtional), I agree with you. Your husband's curiosity tells me all is not exactly well at home. A better idea would be for him to take you out for a quiet intimate lunch where you can discuss your dreams, etc. He sounds like he's starting to stray. Be careful because if he's expressing some interest in this woman it could happen again.