I am sure someone out there has seen my situation many times and knows the correct path.
I am divorced, have 2 girls, 7 and 8. When I left the house, they were shattered. They still want me back. I knew I did wrong but for some reason could not stop what I was doing. I remarried. My ex is not married. I have "awoke" from my wrong doing and now want to raise my kids and love my ex. My current wife seems only to want to take care of her daughter. There's nothing here for me. What is right? Trying to salvage this or raise my daughters? I want to raise my kids.

Wow. I think we need to break down your situation a little bit and get more information.

1. Your children. Do they live near by? What kind of visitation do you have? Have you ever exercised that right? Are you current with child support? What sort of relationship do you have with the girls now?

2. Your wife. The one current one. You seem to be feeling the effects of not spending 15 hours total undivided time together, since she's so involved in her own child. Is your current marriage an affair marriage? How long have you been remarried? What else is going on in your marriage?

I'm not even going to your ex-wife yet. Unless the above answers are all properly aligned, I see your duty as to your current wife and your daughters. I doubt very much divorcing this wife and rushing back to your ex will solve anything or make you attractive to your ex.

Do you have someone who is trained to talk this over with? A clergyman?

1. Your children. Do they live near by? 90 minutes away. What kind of visitation do you have? Every Wed, every other weekend, 3 weeks out of the year for vac etc... basically unliminted. They moved far away. Have you ever exercised that right? Always. Are you current with child support? Auto deduct, not an issue. What sort of relationship do you have with the girls now? Perfect. We are very close.
2. Your wife. The one current one. You seem to be feeling the effects of not spending 15 hours total undivided time together, since she's so involved in her own child. This is her choice. I was the arranger of our marriage in Aruba, stressed dating, bonding, etc, her 7 year old sleeps in our bed or she sleeps in hers. Is your current marriage an affair marriage? Yes. How long have you been remarried? 2.5 years. What else is going on in your marriage? I spend most times waiting to see my kids. That's my single most important thing now. Very empty.

Last year we almost divorced. I stressed couseling which we did until she gave up. She said she could handle my "bagage". We seperated for about 9 mos. Then when Vacations and Christmas came around she would be more enthusiastic about "us" but what I see is dependance for financial reasons. Maybe to get through Christmas etc. Then when that is done, she quickly reverts back. We were almost divorced Dec 12. I canceled that because she wanted to get back together. I feel like I'm being used and waisting a lot of time I should be at least putting more into my kids.

Do you have someone who is trained to talk this over with? A clergyman? I have both pastors and couselors. They have said she should go to anger management, stressed dating etc... rekindle fist love etc. Pastors were conflicting on divorce stance. What I came out of all of that was that if she wanted to go, let her go, but strict sense was for her to leave. Unfortunatly I am in HER house so technacally, leaves me "stuck". I have since rationalized that if it is over, I would have to go again and not worry about that.

LMK, I'm hoping others will jump in here quickly. At this point, you've probably read up on the statistics of marriages to Other Persons. I'm very glad to see that you have and are trying hard to make this current marriage work.

If you do decide to divorce, I think it should be because this marriage does not work for either of you. From what you said, it seems like there's a possibility your wife married you for financial support. Is that a possibility? I don't think people should let others use them. It's bad for both parties.

Meanwhile, can you spend time alone with your girls? Minus current wife?

I wish I had better answers. Your situation is complex, as you know. I don't think there are any perfect answers.

I would ask you what were the reasons for you and your first wife divorcing? What was lacking in your marriage? Do you still love your ex and does she feel the same towards you?

On 2-6-05 Saphira wrote:

"From what you said, it seems like there's a possibility your wife married you for financial support. Is that a possibility?" Yes, I feel that is one of the driving reasons that makes her stay or want to keep me around.
"Meanwhile, can you spend time alone with your girls? Minus current wife?" I do always. Even my weekends to have them over, she finds excuses to disapear which is another issue, seems like she can't handle the whole group very long.

On 2-8-05 Cndy wrote:

"I would ask you what were the reasons for you and your first wife divorcing?" She was from a previous marriage, her ex would come over and walk in the house, spend much time while was at work there. I would find this out from the kids tha he had come over, she would not do anything about it. Fealt she may be cheating etc...

"What was lacking in your marriage? Do you still love your ex and does she feel the same towards you?" Trust, stability. I will always love her. I think she does me also although she has a live in boyfriend at the moment. My strategy is first to focus on the girls and if God saw fit for her to want to re kindle that relationship, then I would let Him direct this over time. There's a lot that would have to happen to make this stable and right. I would let her know that I believe the most stable environmentfor our kids would be us together but foundational issues would have to be laid up front. We have both been through and learned a lot.

As an adendum, there have been some recent developments. Last night I went to a friends wife's funeral. It was very sad. Afterwards 3 of us went out for dinner (co workers all male) talked this recent event over and other work related issues. We had some drinks. I went home and because of the recent snow, I slid and got my vehicle stuck. A police came by and you can guess what happened to me, I spent the night in jail. I was dumbfounded. I tried to call my now wife and could not get through to her. Because of her attitude about our relationship, she had all of this "stuff" built up in her mind and assumed I was out carousing. (I have never "caroused" and even while seperated I did not date, in fact I am a rare breed in that I have only had sex with my wives. No one ever I am 'squeaky clean") This whole ordeal last night was, for me weird. I have never been arrested, never had problems with the law, always did the "right thing". In fact, last time I had a drink was over dinner months ago. I don't hardly even social drink. Wake up call for me, I am not drinking at all any more. Never needed it. This is costly and I feel I have let a lot of folks down. I will face my consequences and deal with this head on as all issues.

The ironic thing was that I was in the town jail which is 2 blocks from my house, yards away at 10 PM. I was on my way home. She would not answer the phone for the collect call.

They took my cell phone and in the morning when I finally got out, she had a message on there (10:30) that she was tired of our "dead end marriage" that she was going to go to the lawyer file same papers I had filed etc etc... So today, when I got out and walked home in the snow storm, I explained to her the whole situation. Her response was confusing. She was "sorry" but she was so self absorbed that I felt really alone. I really don't know what to do.

All of these co workers she also works with and she knows my job etc. It's not a mystery. I am truely a good guy and I put my all into this relationship. This house, "her house" I have cleaned, maintained, fixed. I have tried to maintain our relationship by building dates, good family memories etc.

She is even now sleeping with her daughter, 10:56 PM, I will not see her till tomorrow afternoon again. Her conversation will be with her daughter mostly. I am a fixture. I am here for a purpose, of which is not a whole relationship.

Do you want blunt response & advice?

On 2-10-06 12:16 PM Bellevue wrote:
"Do you want blunt response & advice?"

Yes, Please, that's why I am here. I am open for anything. I want to do the right thing.

Okay, I have your permission to be blunt. The gloves are off.

Your daughters must come first. Unless you are living in the same town, same zip code, same street, they are not quite first.

I don't respect your present marriage. From all you write, it "doesn't count." Nor do I see any obligation to stay in it. I believe all you owe your present wife is honesty and truth. The only way this marriage exists is on paper. Dissolve it and get back to your daughter's city/town.

You say the children are very close to you. No, they aren't. Closeness is impossible unless you are physically in the same location. They have a fraction of a Daddy. A fraction.

How is this? Were you still living with your ex-wife, they would have a whole Daddy. Well, that's not possible right now, with you both being divorced and with your ex having a live-in boyfriend. They don't even have a half a Daddy.

My advice is, realize you have to give up everything you have. Give up your wife (who doesn't love you by the way) and her child (who is suffering and clinging to her only security, her Mommy.) You are doing nothing but providing money for them. You're not their family. Calling yourselves married, calling yourselves a family doesn't make you one.

Give up your job. Career, whatever. Walk away from anything you have bought in your present marriage. Take the car though. Drive back to the city where your daughters live. Now, find a cheap hotel, a room to let, a homeless shelter, and start from Ground Zero. Ideally, you will find a place close to their home. That way, any time they call and say "Can you take me to the store to get art supplies for my Science project?" you can say "See you in five minutes."

Hunt for a job. It doesn't matter what - McDuck's fry cook, newspaper deliverer, part time accountant through an agency, anything. Or, with luck, you can get a more lucrative position through a headhunter, or through the internet.

Now your kids have half a Daddy.

What they have now is a mother who indulges herself by having a stud on call, a mother who is teaching by example that living with a man without being married is the norm. What they have now is a father who married a woman who doesn't even like them, a sort of "Cinderella stepmother" who [naturally] favors her own daughter over your girls. A father who is a message on the computer screen, a voice on the phone, and honestly not any part of their real lives.

Bluntly, the marriage you have is not worth working on. It isn't worth counseling, Plan A, Eliminating Love Busters, or depositing into the Love Bank. The marriage you have steals from your daughters. Steals.

All you are entitled to now is the opportunity to make things up to your birth children. You aren't entitled to happiness, sex, romance, or to keep the lifestyle you had with your present wife. You aren't entitled to start over again with your ex wife, the mother of your children.

If you do what I'm laying out, you will be much worse off. You'll be poor. You'll be watching your wife being happy with her lover. You'll be on the receiving end of insults and slights from the both of them. And you'll have to shrug and bite your tongue. Not only that, you'll have to answer your daughters questions with this type of thing:

"You're number one in my life and I made a mistake. I should never have left this city and seen you only part time."

"We divorced because we had grown up problems. You don't need to think about them. Think about your little girl problems. I moved back because I didn't see you enough."

You will never say anything negative or critical about your ex or her boyfriend. Imagine that. Even as the girls get older and start asking questions, you will NEVER say "Okay, you're old enough to know. Your Mom did xxxx" Instead, you will see the above paragraph. Kids won't press for details. Telling them you had grown up problems, letting them know that they are not counselors for Daddy, gifts them with the freedom to be children.

You aren't entitled to a wife, a lover, or happiness. You are obligated to be a good Daddy, no matter what the price. If your daughters are telling you they are fine with only seeing you part time, they are desperately lying to avoid losing that part time, fraction of a Dad.

Your now wife and her child aren't entitled to your money, commitment, time, and your life. I'm not saying this with spite, I'm saying this pragmatically. The Mom and the Daughter are a sad little unit. But even if they were healthy, and you three presented a happy little "family" I would be telling you that you don't belong with them. You belong with your daughters who you created from your own body and raised with their own family.

Interested in how I learned all this? If so, post back and when I have time I'll tell you a story.

This is exactly the conclusion I have come to myself, no one telling me, just needed confirmation. Yes, tell me more

What's your plan? Outline the steps. And I mean, concrete:
1. Have you talked to a family law attorney to take care of the legal end of dissolving your marriage?

2. Checked out rentals or hotels close to where your ex and your Ds live? Registered with a roommate finding service so you can save money by sharing with someone else?

And if you're going the roommate route, remember you need to check out in the Megan's Computer or some way whether the roommate is a sex offender. Don't want the girls around that kind of person.

3. Moved money into a separate bank account so that you have something with which to pay your expenses.

Any of the above? What is your time line?

As to how I know what I wrote, I could write a novel about my life and the ruin it became for me and my sister, but I'm an adult now and your children have their lives ahead of them. Let's focus on making their lives stable rather than on my Oliver Twist true life story.

You know now that the affair with your soulmate has harmed your daughters. No point in beating you over the head with that knowledge. Time to focus on your concerns about hurting your wife and her daughter.

You will hurt both of them, your wife and her daughter. Every time you decide something, make a choice, someone loses. Someone gets hurt. If you try to straddle both worlds, you shortchange the people in each. It can't be helped that your present wife will feel badly. The kindest thing is to make a clean break, as quickly as possible.

Again, what's your plan? What is already started? What is in the works?

On 2-11-06 1:15 PM Bellevue wrote:
"What's your plan? Outline the steps. And I mean, concrete:
1. Have you talked to a family law attorney to take care of the legal end of dissolving your marriage?" - yes, Divorce was suppose to be final last Dec 12th. We decided to try again. I saw this lawyer yestertday.

2. "Checked out rentals or hotels close to where your ex and your Ds live? Registered with a roommate finding service so you can save money by sharing with someone else?" - I still have my apartment. The lease was not up. so yes

"And if you're going the roommate route, remember you need to check out in the Megan's Computer or some way whether the roommate is a sex offender. Don't want the girls around that kind of person." - not an issue.

3. "Moved money into a separate bank account so that you have something with which to pay your expenses." - I was smart enough the first time. Everything is seperate. I am totally independant. Money was such an issue with her last time, I seperated everything. She lived on her income, me on mine. She ownes the house. To be fair, since I moved back in, I paid utilities only. Long term plan was to alternate all payments after apartment lease was up. Then eventually buy into 1/2 the house. But not goin to happen.
Any of the above? What is your time line? - Next weekend. I have my girls right now.

"You will hurt both of them, your wife and her daughter. Every time you decide something, make a choice, someone loses. Someone gets hurt. If you try to straddle both worlds, you shortchange the people in each. It can't be helped that your present wife will feel badly. The kindest thing is to make a clean break, as quickly as possible." I have come to learn this... She does the same. We are both pulled towards our own family. I think she realises this as well.

"Again, what's your plan? What is already started? What is in the works?" - yes, more than you know. I have been for a while. Just trying to weave through the issues to make the best decision.

? Well, good luck. Doesn't sound like your present wife will be terribly surprised or shocked. I hope you do decide to move back to your own separate apartment and rebuild your relationship with your kids.

Pray, if you believe in God. It can't hurt!

"Interested in how I learned all this? If so, post back and when I have time I'll tell you a story."

So, you said you would tell your story from your perspective. I need to hear that.

Well Bellevue,

I am back in my apartment, your right about her, not only "not being very surprised" but not caring much either. I think that both of us will benifit. She looks at things financially. She sure saved a lot of money over Christmas by me being there with her. I paid all of the utilities plus I fixed everything in there and bought a lot of food. She received about $1500 in presents and She don't need me anymore. She will warm up to me around vacation when I am planning on taking my little ones out west, but this time, I am not going to let her come along. I have been cheating my kids out of what they deserve.