We are about to file.
I found forms on line for free, which is nice. I guess.
Part of me hate how easy it is... how with the click of the mouse "We, too, can join the 10 million others filing for divorce today..."
I never thought I'd have divorce in my life.
I suppose I have some internal conflict about it.
I can't wait for it to be over.
My STBX will be here tomorrow to pick up his cat and his truck, and I don't want to be here when he arrives. I can't look at him, I can't say anything to him, I can't hear him speak.
Not right now.
It's not that it's too raw, although that migt be part of it, but it's also because I am afraid I"ll be mean. And I desperately need the meanness to stop.
It's eaten me up long enough.
I can dislike and disrespect him from a distance until I've worked through it, can't I?
Somehow, I feel this bitter irony that we'll agree on the divorce paperwork-- who will take care of what, etc, to expedite the proceedures. We're both beaten, defeated, ready to be done.
My brain keeps playing catch up-- looks down the road years from now and wants to know.... will I know him? Will I be single? Will he? Will our spouses know and like each other? Will we ever find peace with what was, and be able to forget and forgive each other completely?
Or will I remember him as a blur? That man I spent 2-3 years in wedded hell with?
I'm not going to miss him, but I already miss some of the STUFF that came with being married-- having BBQ's on weekends, open invitations to do things with friends, someone to make dinner for, sew for, pray about, think about.
Not all of the last 2-3 years have been awful.
We spent so much time recreating-- I really miss that already. Just the companionship on bike rides, or on hikes. I take my son, but it's not the same...
I need to find joy in my life as it is. It is there, I know it, but right now I"m between jobs and have too much time to think, I suppose.
I don't know what to do about tomorrow except leave a note. I"m sure he'll understand why.
The sooner he's a memory, the better off I"ll be. But what to make of the memories then?
Feeling not exactly sad... but something like it.
Peace,
Lucy
