We are about to file.
I found forms on line for free, which is nice. I guess.
Part of me hate how easy it is... how with the click of the mouse "We, too, can join the 10 million others filing for divorce today..."
I never thought I'd have divorce in my life.
I suppose I have some internal conflict about it.

I can't wait for it to be over.
My STBX will be here tomorrow to pick up his cat and his truck, and I don't want to be here when he arrives. I can't look at him, I can't say anything to him, I can't hear him speak.
Not right now.
It's not that it's too raw, although that migt be part of it, but it's also because I am afraid I"ll be mean. And I desperately need the meanness to stop.
It's eaten me up long enough.
I can dislike and disrespect him from a distance until I've worked through it, can't I?
Somehow, I feel this bitter irony that we'll agree on the divorce paperwork-- who will take care of what, etc, to expedite the proceedures. We're both beaten, defeated, ready to be done.

My brain keeps playing catch up-- looks down the road years from now and wants to know.... will I know him? Will I be single? Will he? Will our spouses know and like each other? Will we ever find peace with what was, and be able to forget and forgive each other completely?
Or will I remember him as a blur? That man I spent 2-3 years in wedded hell with?
I'm not going to miss him, but I already miss some of the STUFF that came with being married-- having BBQ's on weekends, open invitations to do things with friends, someone to make dinner for, sew for, pray about, think about.
Not all of the last 2-3 years have been awful.
We spent so much time recreating-- I really miss that already. Just the companionship on bike rides, or on hikes. I take my son, but it's not the same...
I need to find joy in my life as it is. It is there, I know it, but right now I"m between jobs and have too much time to think, I suppose.
I don't know what to do about tomorrow except leave a note. I"m sure he'll understand why.
The sooner he's a memory, the better off I"ll be. But what to make of the memories then?
Feeling not exactly sad... but something like it.
Peace,
Lucy

Lucy,

I agree. The ease of getting divorced, assuming there is nothing to go to trial about, is rather frightening.

In regards to the future, if I have learned anything from my divorce it is that I have so little control over what happens. My best advice is to not worry and don't over analyze what is happening. Also, don't try and predict the future. If you are like me your future turned out a lot different than you thought it would even a few years ago.

Relax, let time, nature and God work their healing magic on you.