Well, I’m doing it again….I’m dwelling on things. I hate when I do that. I’m not so upset that I’m crying, or having anxiety fits. I’m just feeling empty and alone.

First, today is the one-year anniversary of when my XH moved out of the house. I’ll be glad when I’m passed all the one-year anniversaries of things. (Of course there are the 2-year, and 3-year, etc.)

But I lurk a lot still over on GQII, and it’s a very busy board so there’s lots to read. And sometimes I feel like maybe I have something worthwhile to say, so I post. But sometimes I read things that start me obsessing again, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the last couple days.

I’ve had these fleeting thoughts of putting my profile on a couple reputable singles sites maybe in the near future just as a Christian woman looking for companionship and things to do—not immediately looking for a serious relationship.

And each time I have that thought, it’s like this voice in my head says “NO! It’s not right!” So I try and analyze why it’s not right, because I’m no longer married.

Some of you are aware that I was a WS years ago. I had an affair 15 years ago—E/A with a 24-hr P/A. STUPID!! VERY STUPID! But my husband didn’t kick me out, and I never considered leaving him. Then he had his first affair (20 months—in my face—very open about what he was doing—and very sexual in nature). I got tired of waiting, filed for DV, but he met my criteria and came back before the DV was final. Okay, we were back together. All past should have been cleared at that point.

But we had a very rocky marriage off and on (no excuses for the infidelity—just a statement that living with a resentful alcoholic is tough), and I was STUPID AGAIN! OM and I had been friends before the A, and we stayed in occasional contact afterwards. Not smart. Our lives took a simultaneous dive, we started talking again, and things ended up in another one-night P/A. This one my husband didn’t know about because I realized just how freakin’ STUPID I was, I knew the pain and devastation it could cause, I knew it would make our marriage just that much wouse, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I just wanted everything to get better between us.

It was a huge wake-up at how vulnerable I let myself become and just how far I’d walked away from my faith (or in reality, just how weak my faith had always been). I wanted to stay married to him, never make the mistake again, and go on with our future together. To this day he doesn’t know about it.

And then there was the “I don’t know what to call it” incident with the pastor who was supposed to be my counselor back in 1995, before the relapse with the OM--I basically mentally fell apart for the next two years. I won’t even go into that because it makes me really ill. I have successfully blocked most of that incident from my brain—-trauma is great that way. But my husband didn’t find out about that until we were separated this time. He did say, in his anger, “Why didn’t you tell me when it happened? I’d have beat the S**T out of him!” He didn’t say he would have left me. I didn’t tell him because I was afraid it would screw up his Christian walk, because he really liked this pastor. In the end, his Christian walk seems pretty screwed up anyway.

So here’s the deal: All along (because I successfully bury this crap for periods of time and forget that it happened until something triggers it) I thought if the right man came along, I was “allowed” to remarry in God’s eyes, because I DV because of unrepentant infidelity on my spouse’s part. I have become much closer to the Lord over the last 4-5 years. I am not the same person. I don’t act the same, I don’t think the same, I don’t feel the same. My whole focus is different and has been for a number of years now.

Then I remember what my past contains and the fact I never told my XH about part of it, and I’m not so sure if I can ever rightfully remarry. This is where the obsessing comes in....

Since my spouse never got the chance to decide if he still wanted me around after I was unfaithful, because I never told him, because I repented and had no intention of leaving my marriage, maybe it’s really HIM who is free to remarry, because I was the unfaithful one, and I’m the one who must stay single and celibate forever????

I have always believed in my head that the grounds were “unrepentant infidelity” and I repented, but in fact that’s reading words into the verse in Matthew that aren’t there. It just says marital infidelity. I divorced him because as of yet he is unrepentent and still living with his current OW and I gave up.

In reality, he could have kicked my rear to the curb eight years ago and have been free as a bird to go on with his life. Now I’m worried that either I can’t remarry again because of this or that I’ve unfairly put him in that situation by divorcing him.

I’m SOOOOOOOOO confused!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Don't worry about remarriage right now....you have too much on your plate for that. Right now, you need to deal with healing.

For me,the problem is about how I go about the healing.

Do I concentrate on making myself a better partner, in the hope that someday I'll have the opportunity to love again? Or do I focus on never being in an intimate relationship ever again, give up that hope, (sort of like a prisoner who commits a grave crime giving up on ever being free and concentrating on how they will live a fruitful life in prison while serving their life sentence).

Bad analogy maybe, but it is something I think about. It makes a difference in what my focus is.

Do I give up that hope...that desire...and avoid putting myself in situations in life (i.e., getting to know an unmarried man I might work with or be in a group with someday, or maybe joining eharmony when I'm feeling more whole) where I might accidentally meet someone who fell for me and wanted to marry, if it is indeed wrong for me to do that? Should I be closing myself off and hanging with women only in life to avoid the danger and pain of falling in love, only to realize that I can't do anything with it?

Make sense?

LL

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> For me,the problem is about how I go about the healing.

Do I concentrate on making myself a better partner, in the hope that someday I'll have the opportunity to love again? Or do I focus on never being in an intimate relationship ever again, give up that hope, (sort of like a prisoner who commits a grave crime giving up on ever being free and concentrating on how they will live a fruitful life in prison while serving their life sentence).

Bad analogy maybe, but it is something I think about. It makes a difference in what my focus is.

Do I give up that hope...that desire...and avoid putting myself in situations in life (i.e., getting to know an unmarried man I might work with or be in a group with someday, or maybe joining eharmony when I'm feeling more whole) where I might accidentally meet someone who fell for me and wanted to marry, if it is indeed wrong for me to do that? Should I be closing myself off and hanging with women only in life to avoid the danger and pain of falling in love, only to realize that I can't do anything with it?

Make sense?

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL,

I have a feeling that love is going to find its way TO you.

What have you learned from the site?

Have you learned how to be a better partner?

Have you learned how to ask for things that you need?

Have you learned to POJA things in a relationship?

The things that you have learned here can be and are the building blocks of what you need in order to have a "healthy" relationship. You have never truly had a "healthy" relationship.

Do NOT cloister yourself off...but do NOT rush into the first relationship that comes your way either.

I would encourage you to go to church...join a church "singles" group...you want a Christian man in your life, that's generally where they are.

Take your time...enjoy life...concentrate on your daughter (boy, does she need it)and heal at your own pace.

Do NOT be "afraid" to embrace a new relationship...just be "cautious". There is a big difference.

committed

I agree--still some healing to do. Mainly in the form of "boundaries".

And the church singles group is a bit of a struggle. I attend church each week--same church I've gone to for nearly 5 years. I like it there. But I am, to my knowledge, the only divorced and not-remarried person who attends on a regular basis. There is one guy, don't know much about him, and don't find him the least bit interesting, who comes occasionally. I think he's divorced. Other than that, there's the widower, but he's found himself a new lady already.

So the only one to form a singles group in my church would be me...unless I wanted to invite the few late teens/early 20's singles to it.

I did contact someone from another church who does a DivorceCare group. She said they sometimes had people attend who were not members of their church and was supposed to get back with me if they were having one this spring but I never heard back, so assume not enough people signed up.

But the real issue is not that I may not FIND a relationship or it may not find ME, but....

If it DOES find me, am I allowed in God's eyes to even pursue it, given my past and the situation with my XH not knowing about certain things before I DV him? Or will I be committing adultry (and will my future spouse as well) if I remarry, even if I marry someone else who DV for the "allowable" reasons?

LL

God forgives you,
now he's waiting for you to forgive yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If it DOES find me, am I allowed in God's eyes to even pursue it, given my past and the situation with my XH not knowing about certain things before I DV him? Or will I be committing adultry (and will my future spouse as well) if I remarry, even if I marry someone else who DV for the "allowable" reasons?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL,

Check with your minister at the church, he can answer all these logistical questions for you.

I appreciate the fact that you want to do what is right in the eyes of God and your church...yet, I am not sure what the "right" answers would be to those questions.

There are too many "technicalities" that could make it impossible to know beyond a shadow of a doubt where you fit...where a potential partner might fit.

Would you be mad at me if I suggested to you that you are making all this harder than it needs to be?

The one thing that I appreciate about you and your posts is that you don't get annoyed with me (nor furious) when I lay it all out there for you. For that, Thank You.

Talk to your minister...he should be able to allay your concerns.

committed

I've sort of touched on the subject some time ago, but didn't get into the details. It's very difficult to talk to a pastor about 1)because I have to face this guy and his wife in church the next Sunday, and 2) because some of my issues go back to a pastor who was supposed to be counseling me. Trust is an issue. And I'm Southern Baptist, and we don't have female pastors.

Second, my pastor seems to be a little more relaxed than some pastors. Perhaps it's because his parents were divorced? His feelings on the adultry are more relaxed than mine (it was brought up when I told him I'd only marry a man who was widowed, never-married, or DV because of infidelity because otherwise I felt I was committing adultry with him per God's word).

He feels that once the couple has SF once, it breaks the first vows and that after that they're a new marriage and not committing adultry. My feelings are that every time they have SF, they commit adultry.

To each their own--I'm not judging others. I am accountable for me only. But I don't want to make a decision personally that could prevent God's blessings on me or a future relationship. And if by not confessing my A to my XH before we DV I have not allowed him the right to DV me or decide to accept my repentent attitude and let me stay, then it may well be that I am to pay that price for the rest of my life.

A rather difficult thought, but then again, God doesn't promise we'll like everything he commands.

Moral? Don't keep secrets.

LL

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, I agree with committed that you're making this harder than it needs to be. IMHO, making yourself a better person is the same thing as making yourself a better partner. If you don't know the answer to your question about what God wants for you, then you definitely shouldn't be pursuing a relationship, not now. You need to recover from your guilt or it will poison a potential relationship. If and when God is ready for you to be in another relationship, I believe you'll know it. So for now, work on yourself and pray for God's will for you. Like committed said, love will find its way to you when the time is right.

I probably am making things harder than I should. I just don't want to willfully go against God's wishes. Bad idea.

Today I have decided I'm sorry I DV'd. I'm not sorry that I didn't let him move back in last June when he asked, because he refused to get help for his alcohol and he couldn't promise he wouldn't see OW. But if I'd just waited and stayed separated (and not been so worried about the financial devastation he could cause, and trusted God to take care of me whatever my financial situation), I could have prevented his upcoming marriage to OW, and maybe after a few years the affair would have burned out and he would have been ready to come home and try again with me.

Now I've screwed that up. Even though I told him when I filed (and several times after that) that I was filing at this point out of financial fear, but would entertain thoughts of reconciling if he'd meet my stipulations, I think he saw filing as "she's done...she's gone...I screwed up, and now I must live with what I've done."

So OW is railroading him into marriage. He's ruining his life and seems no happier than he was with me. If he marries her, even if it ends up not working out, I can't remarry him--God says.

And I've screwed up myself, because I truly put my "past" so far back in my mind that when I DV, I didn't think through the fact that I'd withheld information that might have made a difference in my XH's desire to stay with me years ago.

I would like to wake up tomorrow and have no desire to ever be with a man again, to not long for love, or a Christian marriage, but to be perfectly content in my "singleness" and eager to stay that way and out of relationships for the remainder of my days on earth. I don't know why that's such a hard feeling to get my arms around.

LL

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Is it God's plan for you to come down so hard on yourself?

LL,

You are only 39. You will probably live to be 90+. That is a long time to be without a partner. I won’t touch the religious issues because they are your personal beliefs. I don’t think that a loving God would want one of his children to suffer in isolation for 50+ years to atone for sins they committed and repented for.

You don’t have to be in an intimate relationship to enjoy the company of a male companion. I don’t see anything wrong with making a date to go to a movie, a restaurant, to an antique mall . . . If you are only interested in Christians of your particular flavor, I’m sure there are websites devoted to singles of your faith. I do know the Southern Baptist Council holds annual meetings on the national level, perhaps you could attend one of them and just see what happens.

Your really need to put the hammer down and stop hitting yourself: we can’t change our pasts, he can learn from our mistakes, apologize and make recompense, and then we have to get on with our lives.

Do you really thing God would want you do be miserable?

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you really thing God would want you do be miserable? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, but I think he wants me to focus on him and find my peace that way. There are several references in the Bible about how it is better to remain single. (I believe they're for never-married people, if that's their desire, but apply them to myself as well.)

I'm frustrated because I can't just let the desire for the Christian marriage go and focus on other things in my life other than a partner/companion.

And I miss my XH. I "people watched" for 15 minutes while waiting on my cousins for lunch today. I saw nothing I'd be comfortable with. I keep thinking of XH. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone else ever again (which I guess is a good thing?).

And as luck would have it, he left a message today--just simply saying he had an "unavailable" call and wondered if it was from me (my phone from work shows up that way).

Nope, it wasn't. But I left a message back, my voice cracking because I get sappy when I talk to him, saying I think about him, wonder how he is, and wonder what we could have done differently to have things not turn out this way. I told him I miss him, and that I had always held out hope that perhaps he'd decide to come back, but that I understand he's engaged now so I guess that's not going to happen. Told him I guess I wish him happiness.

I'm sure that message freaked him out. He can't deal with emotion, and it was uncalled for. He's engaged. I have no right to be leaving those kinds of messages. I'm not sure why I did--I guess because I can't seem to ever feel closure. He hasn't called back, and I doubt I hear from him again for quite a while.

Just digging myself deeper....

LL

LL,

I believe that you and I are in the same situation. I filed due to the unrepentant behavior of my wife. Right now she's in the middle of affair number four. I do believe that we both are biblically eligible to remarry.

I listend to a series of broadcasts by Chuck Swindol. The series was "Getting Through the Tought Stuff". As part of the series he dealth with the tough stuff of divorce and remarriage. You can listen to these broadcasts too. Go to Oneplace.com. Click the "ministries" tab at the top and go to Insight for Living. On the right there will be a pick to select the broadcast archive. When you scroll down they will be there. I believe that it will illuminate the situation for you.

I believe that we are to prepare for the mates the God has planned for us. My divorce won't be final until July 10th. I'm already praying for my new wife. I pray that she is making herself ready for me as I ready myself for her. In due time we will find the mate that God has prepared for us.

Don't become discouraged! There are plenty of men like myself who are looking for a Godly woman. Unpack your bags and get ready to fill them with new memories and all that God has in store for you!

Trusting Him,

Titleist

Titleist,

I know you and I are both a WS/BS, and it is a tough dilemma. But what I thought I remembered about your situation is that your wife was aware of all you'd done.

My XH is only partially aware. I haven't out-and-out lied to him about infidelity 8 years ago; it's just that he never asked, never suspected, and I didn't want to lose him. I thought about it, but with him drinking and all, I was afraid if I told him, I'd lose him, or it'd just make everything worse.

I just wanted my marriage to get better. That's what I've prayed for for years--a Christian marriage. I kept hoping and hoping and thought there was finally a chance after his cycle accident in 2001 when he quit drinking. And at that point, it didn't make sense to tell him because it would only hurt him and would have probably sent him spiraling downward again.

I've put massive protections in place to not let myself ever get in that situation again. And I'm working on boundaries. (Topic for a different post--finally reading the "Boundaries" book by Cloud/Townsend. Very enlightening!)

But my issue is that BECAUSE my XH never got the opportunity to know about the latter infidelity, he never was given the choice of whether he wanted to DV me because of it or not. Had he decided he wanted out of the marriage then, he'd have been the one free to remarry--not me.

Until I started hashing this over, I thought I was just really fortunate, that God gave me a chance to wise up and repent of my ways and turn to him without losing everything.

I saw his and my situations differently. Because I repented and stayed in my marriage, I thought it was cleared at this point. Because my XH is still actively living in sin with the OW, I saw him as unrepentent and gave up hope and DV him, thinking again that I was in the clear.

THEN I started analyzing and realized that infidelity is infidelity in God's eyes. There aren't levels.

So how is it fair for me to DV my XH because of his infidelity and expect to have the right to remarry in God's eyes, if he wasn't given that choice with me first??

It's not that I think God will hold the past against me when it comes to my salvation, but that if I willfully disobey him and remarry when I'm not supposed to, to blatently disregard God's direction going forward and yet say I'm Christian is dangerous in my opinion.

(But his direction isn't very clear in this situation...)

I'll check out the website you posted.

LL

Titleist...

If you read this--thank you for that website address!!

I listen on my way home from work to a contemporary Christian station sometimes, and I caught just bits and pieces of a couple of those broadcasts. I had no idea where to find them again.

You just found them for me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess I will find a little comfort tonight in that Chuck Swindoll (a pastor I respect), differentiates divorcing for a one-night stand (or 2 or 3 night in my case--something that is not my normal lifestyle), from divorcing because of continued, unrepentent behavior (which is more where my XH seems to fall).

LL

In your mind, llady, it's easy to glamourize the marriage of our xh's. It is.

But I can tell you if it happens, you'll live thru it. You sure will. I can guarantee it won't be some wedding like trump's former mistress, marla maples had or charles' mistress, camilla...aka...camzilla "her royal horseface".

It won't. I guarantee it will be a day that will happen and you will live through it.

I knew my xh was getting married because he began acting wierdly. He'd look at me with sadness in his eyes, a definite sadness, when he'd do the holiday drop off's. And he announced he was going to "disneyworld" for a while and would be back. I had suspected she was for sure preggers, but neither of them would say she really was. Plus judge had just signed papers and if I did the math, she was in her last trimester. Was a shotgun wedding basically.

I remember going out with friends on new years' eve last year and telling everybody at midnight that I thought my xh was getting married right now. They said "so what...he lost out. let's toast YOU being single". I went out on that night. I looked good. Made sure I was in company of friends and did not stay anywhere near or around where I would sit, cry , or think about it.

Take a deep breath.

If the unblessed event happens, here's what to do:
1)cry, vent, get it out. Go to gym. Run.
2)do not glamourize the affair marriage. It's a day. It most likely, due to the families knowing it's an affair, be a less glamourous affair than your wedding was. And the family members that do attend...will whisper and there will be some that will even talk about remembering when you got married. How's that for having "your" day as a OW/bride? You never really get "your" day.
3)make plans...this is huge. Make some plans for the day you think it's gonna happen. Big plans. You could do what my friends did shortly after I signed my divorce papers (a few months before judge signed them). They threw me a "re-bachelorette" party. We went to a nice dinner, and they had a big fancy baseball cap that looked like the ones brides to be wear, except mine said "SINGLE AGAIN!" They brought confetti, horns, and bubbles. When we went to a nightspot after, all our wine tabs were taken care of by well-wishers. People were patting me on the back. Got lots of support and had fun. The night x got married, I was at a NY eve party. Not sure of the actual date, but it was either NYEve or NYday. Take THEIR day and turn it into YOUR day.
4)Pamper yourself. Drink herb tea. Buy one good bottle of wine.
5)Remember this...YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS REALLY FREE AFTER ALL OF THIS MUCK AND MIRE. That was huge for me. You have the chance to start over. Date. Develop trust (vs. distrust that is bred in an affair). Sleep horozontally across your king size bed. Do the laundry when you feel like it. They're not free. They are moving from one marriage right into another. Did they learn anything? Nope. Did you? Yes. Did they have time to mourn or grieve their loss? Nope. Did you? Yes. Did they find somebody they can trust with their heart? Nope. Can you? Yes.

Now do this. Visualize in your mind you achieving a special goal. See the people you love in your life in a circle around you. Smiling, hugs, and pats on back. You will have many more "your" days. You may very well one day meet somebody and have a wedding where there will be NO whispering, NO rumors or snide remarks made while you walk down the aisle. It will be full of faith, and respect, and trust. You have the opportunity to begin your life anew. It is your time. Now.

And why?

Because you are the ONLY one who is truly free now.

First, gotta comment off-topic about...

charles' mistress, camilla...aka...camzilla "her royal horseface"

I saw what I think is the best alternate name for her over on GQII.

Camel Bowels

Okay, back to the topic at hand. I am feeling a little calmer today in general about the divorce/remarriage thing thanks to Titleist pointing me toward the Chuck Swindoll broadcasts dealing with such. Still have by no means resolved the issue in my brain, but I am considering that I might be free to remarry.

As for XH and OW's probable upcoming wedding, I would imagine it will take place someplace romantic like in a courthouse in front of a judge. I don't see them planning a church wedding. I see her railroading him into marrying her as quick as her DV is final, and him following along like a lost puppy because he can't think on his own and needs someone to take care of him, and she's doing that now.

Once they are married (if they do go through with it) they may bond again with his family. Right now, his dad & step-mom had nothing good to say about their intro to OW at the family reunion in September, where she showed up on the back of his Harley dressed in leather lace-up britches and a leather bra thing, with her stretch-marked belly and the navel ring hanging out there for all the world to see. The rowdy though semi-conservative in-laws were not impressed.

But as for why it bothers ME: If they marry, it will be the end of 'hope'. Right now, though I don't want him back in his present condition, I had held this little hope in the back of my mind that it still wasn't too late for him if he came to his sense. But if he weds the OW, there is no going back to me ever, even if their marriage busts wide open.

I'm sure I won't know WHEN it is going to happen until afterwards, unless by some rare chance he invites his daughter. He never talks to his son anymore, so I don't expect anything there.

Thanks for all the suggestions, though. If it does happen, I know I will have a very sad day, because it will put the seal on an end of an era. I will have to treat myself to something good.

LL

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,

I'm glad you were able to listen to the broadcasts. They helped put a lot of thoughts in order for me.

The only thing Swindol said that troubled me is that he feels after a minister divorces, he has made himself ineligible for pulpit ministry. I was an associate pastor some time ago. It's not my heart to resume that role again. However, I do enjoy leading small group bible studies.

As far as remarriage is concerned. I do believe we are free. Today is a challenge. The first time in 17 years that I didn't buy my wife a Valentine's Day card. Had a bad dream this weekend about me confronting one of the guys she had an affair with. This OM and I were close at the church we attended. I guess it's because we were friends that it bothers me so much.

I've already started praying for my new wife. I know I am no where near being ready to take that step again. I have prayed for all of the characteristics that are important to me.

The right man will find you when the time is right. I believe that we can hasten that time by actively working on ourselves and becoming who God wants us to be for Him and our new mates.

The one cloud that hangs over my head concerning remarriage is my vasectomy. I fear sometimes that it may be a deal breaker. So part of my prayer is the Lord will send me to someone who can accept that fact. We can always adopt and maybe she won't be able to have children either.

Just know that God is working a Romans 8:28 reversal for us, even when it doesn't look or feel like it.!

God Bless and Take Care of Yourself!

Titleist

Titleist,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was an associate pastor some time ago. It's not my heart to resume that role again. However, I do enjoy leading small group bible studies. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I do agree with the pastor being of "one wife" (no matter what the circumstances of the DV--just because it's what God says), I don't see small group bible study as the same. I think you can serve in leadership positions such as that, just perhaps not be a pastor or maybe an elder. And again, I haven't researched all that because it doesn't apply to me.

As for your vasectomy, I don't know your age, but unless you're still in your early-mid 20's, I don't see it as an issue. First, they are often reversable. Second, God may lead a woman with children to you.

Frankly, if I ever fully resolve that I'm free to remarry, and IF God leads me to the right man, I hope he HAS had a vasectomy. Of course I'm almost 40, have 2 teenagers, and have no desire to be pregnant again nor to use birth control. My husband had a vasectomy over a decade ago, in his 20's.

Valentine's Day wasn't so much a challenge as it was a relief for me. My XH was never much of a romantic, so it was a strain for him to even buy a card (though he usually found a pretty good humorous but not corny one). Other than that, and the occasional gifts I'd get him if I found something really appropriate, we didn't do much to celebrate, and I always felt sort of slighted compared to other couples.

So this year, there was no pressure to celebrate. I worked late, stopped at the grocery store on my way home and picked up cheap Chinese food and some California rolls and kicked back with the dogs at home.

I'm trying to not dwell on the future (easier said than done) but to concentrate on taking each day as it comes and living as I believe God would want me to live.

LL