Dr. Harley,

I am writing this because I am at my wits’ end. I simply do not know how to handle this situation. My husband has been laid off twice in the last year due to corporate bankruptcies. The last time he had a job was January 2002.

Since then we have sold our house and moved to another state to get away from my interfering parents. We also moved because my husband did manage to land a contract position in the new state. However, this contract position has only brought in about $1000 since April. I have slowly watched our savings dwindle to the point where they will be at zero in two months. It has now been 9 months since my husband has had a “real” job. He has had small contract positions adding up to a total income of $8000 since Jan. He also has some contracts that “might” happen but the deals are coming from friends who still need to hash out everything from the companies before they hire my husband to do his part for the job.

I have offered to get a job but he tells me that he wants me to be home taking care of our three young children, all five and younger. I am also homeschooling the oldest child and we both feel this is the right way to go for us. However, he still does not have a job. He keeps telling me not to worry but how can I not when he is not actively pursuing employment? I am always the one on the internet posting his resume and looking for jobs for him. His laziness has always been an issue in our marriage but never about him working a job until now. I am so conflicted because we need to earn money and I am a very capable person who would be able to do so. My heart’s desire is to stay home with the children and homeschool them, but I feel he is going to force my hand into getting a job while he sits at home and does nothing.

I am starting to deeply resent all of this. He has big dreams and goals, which we both agree to, but from past experience I am afraid he might be all talk. I am so afraid that if I do the God honoring thing and obey my husband by not finding employment, that the bank is going to come repossess both cars and we will literally be left penniless. When we sold the house, we both agreed to the plan that he would work at anything in our new state so that we would always have this nice financial cushion. Well that obviously has not happened and there is no cushion anymore.

I have tried my best to be patient and understanding during all of this. What scares me is that I am starting to have thoughts about leaving him because the stress level is so high and has been for most of our marriage concerning money. If I am truly honest with myself I have to admit that I just don’t trust he will do what he says he is going to do. I stick with him because I do love him and when the finances are in order, we have a great time together. I also don’t want to harm my children emotionally by taking them away from their father. I really want to make this marriage work, but I don’t know how I am going to hold up anymore emotionally. I have talked with a church counselor and she suggested I make him set a deadline on when he should get a job. When I approached my husband about this, he said , “Well, the deadline is now.” That was two weeks ago and nothing has changed.

I realize my emotions are in a dangerous spot. I am starting to think things like, “Wow, look at that guy. He has his life together financially, emotionally, he’s a good Christian, etc. Why can’t my husband be like that?” I have read enough of your books to know that I am on dangerous ground. I do not want to leave my husband. I want to make my marriage work. I have prayed about this so much I don’t know what to pray about anymore. Do you have any suggestions or advice? Thank you for reading this.

Woman to woman, I'll warn you that this is going to sound like the stupidist advice you've ever gotten, but here goes...
Get off his back. Nagging him is not working, so quit it. Don't say another word about it, but make sure he's the one that pays the bills (so he gets to see how close to the edge you are).
From a woman's point of view, men are not from Mars, they are from a whole different solar system altogether. I don't even pretend to understand this, but it's a fact...the more you push, the more he'll resist. I know it seems logical to you that anyone in their right mind would have gotten a job months ago, but your nagging makes it so that getting a job is the last thing on earth he's going to do.
So you change how you deal with the problem. You quit bringing it up, he'll get a job. I think it may be a pride thing for guys, I'm not sure. And resist the temptation when he DOES get a job to point out that it's about stinking time he got off his butt.
Like I said, this whole thing is a mystery to me, but it works. If you practice it long enough, you'll be amazed how much he'll do. You just have to force yourself to get out of the habit of harping on stuff. Just keep telling yourself that it doesn't work. However, do feel free to mention things ONCE...Lord knows, men are not mind-readers and they need some things pointed out to them.
***I have to add this word of warning...since you have been pointing out to him, at regular intervals, that he needs to get a job,you may very well get in the hole this time before he actually does anything. Since he has chosen to be the sole bread-winner, it's his responsibility. Let him figure a way out of it. Next time he won't let it go on so long. Especially if you call a halt to the power struggles that go on..