I need some help from somewhere. Hopefully I can get some good advice and opinions here. My wife and I are about to divorce. We have been married for a little over three years. My wife had an affair for over half our marriage with a man twice her age. The affair started about six months after we wed. We have have two beautiful sons ages two and one that is a month old. She was
sleeping with this man before she became pregnant with our first. She was sneaking off to Hotels and such all through her pregnancy. I never had a clue. Her man was a co worker and a car salesman who is married with two kids (imagine that). MY wife was the choir director and the woman of my dreams. To make along story short after having to force her into counseling the truth came out, just not all of it. After hearing for months that I needed to keep my mouth shut and that she didn't even know why she was there. I decided it was time to get out. I never beleived she was telling the whole truth. I knew she had been with him more than the one time she confessed to. After being served with D papers the truth came out, It had been many more times, she was telling him how she loved him and longed to be with him. She said she wanted to save our marriage and make it work though. She would do anything to make it work she said. Well through the months I have been accused of everything under the sun. I work full time I have worked two Jobs to help us get by since she quit her job at discovery. I am a full time student also about to graduate. Their has been a lot of poison spit about me from her mother who is telling everyone we are having troubles because I am unfaithful. We have both talked about having to move away for awhile if we wanted things to work. I still love my wife and would like for things to work out so much. It is close to being over and I am about to graduate there are endless possibilities for us away from here. I asked if she would be willing to move a short distance from here to try and make things work, make a fresh start for our family and get away from the extended family drama. She told me she would have to really think about it hard. She is a member of a blugrass gospel band and said she doesen't want to leave the band for they may make it big soon. I was floored another kick in the face!! She says all I want to do is take her away from the important things in her life, her band,her mother.
I need opinions or advice. Should I just quit hoping that I really mean anything to her. I don't think I'll ever take priority, It always seems to be about her and her needs. I don't want to run away from problems by moving, we'll still have issues to work through. I just don't think we could make it with the outside interference. I would be leaving my family and a great job to make a fresh start but that doesen't seem to matter to her. Does it seem like this person really wants it to work or is willing to do whats best for us and our family or am I just still blinded by the love I feel. All opinions and advice needed. Thanks

I'm all for trying to save a marriage if at all possible when the people still admit to loving each other. I wish I could have saved mine.

Granted, there'd be a lot of work ahead, but you are married and you have children. It just seems like the right thing to do if you are both willing. Why throw it away? Why not give it another chance?

But she sounds a bit selfish (and we all are to a degree). I'm sure her singing means a lot to her, but if she wants to save her marriage, then IT needs to come first.

Dr. Harley in his book SAA has suggested moving away if that's what it takes to get away from the affair. If you two could move away and get a fresh start (and a lot of MC), I think the M might have a good chance.

But she's going to have to be willing to do this.

LL

Thank You for the reply. I just don't know what else to do. I have been blamed with being the only one who doesn't care. She says she has never had any intention of leaving me, no matter what was she was doing. I just can't get over the feelings of rejection that come along with this
I have stuck by her side even after filing for divorce.I assured her I was looking for a way to save it. I told her I would withdrawl the papers if she really wanted it to work we would really need to move. She finally said O.K. if you want me to leave everything I love behind than thats what I'll do. I don't want to take someone from what matters so much to them. Am i crazy can this person really want to save this marriage.

don't know, Have you read all the information on this site? Have you considered marriage counselling? This is the time to do it.

Don't Know,

Let me ask you a few questions. First, have you had a DNA test to see if the children are yours. Second, if the affair is still going on, you should expose the affair to her family, and friends.
Third, if this marriage is to work, SHE needs to protect you by being honest with you AND protecting you from her family, she wronged you.

Fourth, there is no way this marriage will work if you don't get a backbone and even if you do she may leave.

Finally, if she truely places her friends, and her singing above you and perhaps even your children, there is little hope until her perspective on things changes.

I see no reason for you to stop the divorce proceedings until something has changed. So far from what you have said nothing has changed really.

I would strongly urge you to read the articles here and if you can get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Harley. They will help you alot.

Has she even apologized for the affair? Does she have any idea how you have been hurt? If not, then you cannot change her, that has to come from within her.

So step back. If her attitude doesn't change there is little reason to move elsewhere. She will just hold it over you and you get more of the same.

I am sorry I cannot be more positive, but fill us in more about the situation and perhaps there is something that could be done.

By the way have you addressed any issues you bring to the marriage? It is a good thing to do, because if the divorce goes through, you don't want to bring any baggage into the next relationship. And I would tell her mother to button it up until she knows the truth, which you should tell her, if the A is still going on. By still going on I mean ANY contact with the OM.

God Bless,

JL

Yes we went to counseling with paid counselors and preachers. It stopped when she said it was doing us no good,due to my hurt and angry words. She apologized and then turned around and said that she had apologized all she was going to and that she wasn't going to beg me for a thing. That all kind of changed when I filed for divorce. She has changed some, she stays at home more and seems to be trying. This I appreciate and it has helped us somewhat. I am waiting on results of the DNA now. Her mother knows the truth but says I have made her say those things. She knows her mother is saying and doing bad things but they still go on. I ask why she hasn't asked her mother to stop. Her answer is that it wouldn't do any good and her mother thinks I'm to blame. The affair is over as far as I know but I never dreamed it was going on to start with. All I have asked for is to move away from this town to start over with no interference
I want to know that me and our sons are the most important things in her life. It does not look as if though I am as high on the priority list as the band and mother in-law. There are changes that I have made to improve myself and us but I guess that doesen't matter. She blamed the whole problem on my hunting. So at discovery I quit. This has not been a problem for me. I feel that she is much more more important than any hobby I may have. I do love her but I guess theres only so much any nut can take.

Yes we went to counseling with paid counselors and preachers. It stopped when she said it was doing us no good,due to my hurt and angry words. She apologized and then turned around and said that she had apologized all she was going to and that she wasn't going to beg me for a thing. That all kind of changed when I filed for divorce. She has changed some, she stays at home more and seems to be trying. This I appreciate and it has helped us somewhat. I am waiting on results of the DNA now. Her mother knows the truth but says I have made her say those things. She knows her mother is saying and doing bad things but they still go on. I ask why she hasn't asked her mother to stop. Her answer is that it wouldn't do any good and her mother thinks I'm to blame. The affair is over as far as I know but I never dreamed it was going on to start with. All I have asked for is to move away from this town to start over with no interference
I want to know that me and our sons are the most important things in her life. It does not look as if though I am as high on the priority list as the band and mother in-law. There are changes that I have made to improve myself and us but I guess that doesen't matter. She blamed the whole problem on my hunting. So at discovery I quit. This has not been a problem for me. I feel that she is much more more important than any hobby I may have. I do love her but I guess theres only so much any nut can take.