My wife of 8+ years wants out of our marriage and I've tried several things, such as purchasing the "His needs, Her needs" book and also the book "Fall in love, stay in love" and she is not even interested in reading them. It seems all is lost and I still love her. This has been killing me since she first mentioned it and I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do. We have 2 small children and I don't want to see them get hurt. Any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Has your wife mentioned why she wants out? Is it that she doesn't feel in-love with you? Has there been an affair? People can have Emotional Affairs EA as well as Physical Affairs PA.

At his point don't try to get your wife to read the books. Start reading them yourself. Don't hide that you are reading them. When you are finished reading for the day, leave the book in plain-view. She may get interested.

There are Emotional Needs Questionnaires in HNHN. Fill them out. If your wife doesn't wish to participate then fill hers out the way you think she would answer.

You need to find out what your wife's top 3 needs are and to try to meet them. It will probably not be easy if she won't participate, but there certainly are some things you can do.

Don't lovebust LB her: no angry outbursts, stop annoying habits, remain pleasant and upbeat, don't beg her and bother her all the time and let le relationship talk go away for a while.

Other's more gifted in this stuff will be along soon, I just wanted you to know that someone has read what you wrote.

Well, have you worked on Plan A? You don't need your wife to participate in Plan A. While initially Plan A was designed to make the Betrayed Spouse attractive to the Wayward Spouse, it has been effective with severely withdrawn spouses as well.

If she won't even look at the books, fill in the ENQ and LBQ as if you were her. This is your best guess. Then develop a plan.

The first step, you must not commit lovebusters at all. None. It's not easy, but you can't afford to make any more withdrawals from her account. In time, your wife may start to feel safe enough to allow you to make deposits in her lovebank.

I disagree with Comfortably Numb in one instance. I wouldn't fill in the forms for yourself yet. I did that when I had an unwilling spouse. Filling in the forms may be interesting to you, but entirely worthless until your spouse wants to meet your needs and stop doing things that harm your love for her.

I ended up frustrated that I had filled in the forms. Filling them in as if I were my spouse was much more useful.

GG

I think we were posting at the same time . . . our minds think alike!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, have you worked on Plan A? You don't need your wife to participate in Plan A. While initially Plan A was designed to make the Betrayed Spouse attractive to the Wayward Spouse, it has been effective with severely withdrawn spouses as well.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is Plan A? I've looked through the site but for some reason the search function hasn't worked for me and I haven't seen anything about Plan A. Thanks for your posts as I will continue to read the books and keep you updated on our progress.

Plan A and Plan B are described here.

Here's a little bit of an update. My wife went to a candle party at her mom's on Sunday and spent the night. I went and bought her a dozen roses and made a card from our kids and we all signed it and had it ready and waiting for her when she came home Monday morning. She saw them and her only comment was that I shouldn't have done that. Well I go to work and I called her and we spoke on the phone for about 25 minutes -- just about other things not our relationship. Then when I get home from work we spend most of the night talking to each other again not relationship talk just conversation. My hopes are riding high and in the morning when I go to wake her up I started rubbing her back and she takes my hand and holds it and says it bothers her when I touch her. She understands that I was just trying to wake her but asks me not to do it anymore. Needless to say my hopes are dashed... again! She tells me that she knows that I love her and that a part of her will always love me as well but not in the way she wants it or that I deserve. I started looking for an apartment and will probably move out either 3/1 or 4/1 but this is killing me. I've been praying that God will bring her back not just to me but to Him as well as she has drifted since things have been exposed. Also earlier today I spoke to her again, not us talk but we spoke for 15 minutes and everything seems rosey. but I'm not getting my hopes up again. I'm just afraid that once I move out there will be no chance of any reconciliation. Thanks for listening to me and please pray for me/us. Larry