Hello,

Just over a year ago I posted here with all the signs my wife was having an affair/sex with another man, to this day I still believe she has regardless of what little she has told me. I have tried to carry on/get over it with this on the back of my mind all this time but it keeps surfacing (in my mind) and prevents me from trusting her and loving her like before, mainly because all the deception a year ago. She seems to love me, but I believe its more of a friendship as we have been together 17 years. I never feel the passion from her anymore and haven't for many years, yet I have passion burning a hole in me. To me passion is about the love you have for someone and the desire to deliver it on a daily basis and when you do deliver the other person feels it deep within and has unquestionable and unmistakable feeling overwhelm them (true love). I never feel this anymore and want it back desperately but feel my wife can't deliver it, at least not with me believing it! She's not capable of it, at least not me anymore!

I have been in limbo land searching for a decision so I can find my happy place again. I ask myself if I had no kids and wasn't married, would I leave? Yes. So it makes sense that it should be my decision but I still can't make it.

I would describe my wife as non-confrontational and having a passive-aggressive personality.

I know many of you will ask about the root cause of all this, like what EN's did I not fill or did I spend time with her and so on....I'm not perfect and have Identified my own issues with myself & wife and have worked to give her more of what she needs, she has done nothing to make things better for herself, our kids, me or us. Same routine every day.

I need to make changes and need help determining what they should be.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

GR

Your logic is flawed when you say your decision should be to leave because that's what you'd do if you didn't have kids and weren't married to her.

Well, duh. That's what most of us would do.

The fact that you have children and are married makes all the difference.

At this point, I don't care what ENs you tried to meet. I'm going to assume you eliminated LBs.

You suspected her of having an affair. Did you take steps to find out if you were right? Snooping, hiring an investigator? You might want to do that.

How about marriage counseling? Have you tried that?

If you've tried it all, I suggest looking into Plan B. That may shake her enough to create in her a desire to change her behavior to you.

JMHO.

Have you tried MC? And the big question is...do you love this woman? I mean really and truly love this woman madly?

My opinion: Find out if there is an affair. If there is, that puts a different spin on things but still, in my opinion, it's not worth throwing away without giving it your best try to save it. It just takes a different approach.

But based on where I am right now (which is still very unsure that I did the right thing by DV-ing, and I left a man who abuses alcohol and who finally walked out on me to live with OW) I say give serious thought to not giving up just yet.

Marriage isn't always about happiness (though you shouldn't just 'accept' that your marriage has to be a drag and not try and do something to fix it).

Nevertheless, if you are like most of us, your vows probably said something about "for better or for worse, 'til death do we part".

Marriage is a commitment.

(edited...can't type...finger malfunction)

LL

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Sure my logic is flawed it just helps say what I'm feeling...logic & feelings don't always coincide.

I suspect she had an affair a year ago, I took steps to find out and it slaps me in the face as well as any close friends I've discussed it with. Lets just assume she did because all evidence points to it...I just can't be proven. So, should she be innocent until proven guilty? not in my mind. She will never admit it so I'm loosing all hope of love. Some secrets are not best kept secret if they undermine what your trying to re-build. Plan B is for people were the betrayal is in the open so you can work things out, not a secret!. The affair ended a year ago as well.

I have mentioned MC on several occasions to her and the answer is "If you want" and that's it. Thinking more about MC, I think if we do go and we discuss my issues and hers it will bring out the deception from a year ago and show just how clearly it all points to an affair (again). Maybe this time she would admit it and understand the pain it has caused me. Then I can make a clearer decision. Then I think...what if she could prove she didn't have an affair...That would make a clear decision as well. I gave her an opportunity on several occasion to prove it, I told her what I would like her to do which was to call her girlfriend (the friend that is associated with all this) and ask her casually a couple questions with me on the phone as well...the answers would have clearly removed any doubt from my mind...I told her this and she wouldn't do it..she said "I will not put a good friend of mine through this", first the friend would never suspect anything and second this good friend has only known my wife of 17 years for 9 months. (all my wife's excuses regarding the incriminating things she did included this friend)

Lordslady, I'm not giving up totally just yet. That is why I'm here again. Family means the world to me (my 3 boys), I will not give up easily but I won't live a lie.

A home polygraph sure would come in handy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GR

Gutrot,

first, the finding out about an affair is without her knowledge, or without your W's participation. . .

That way you can confront her, alone without embarrassing her in front of her friends at first, and get her reaction. . . so you need to sharp up on your logic, which does appear very flawed. . .

Second, you are expecting someone who thinks her marriage is fine or acceptable, to want to be enthusiastic about marriage counseling. . . well, no, this is your lead, you can't expect her to be willing and then take the lead, you need to be the leader, and you need to set it up, and you need to clean up your act and make the clean up permanent, before you can have any expectations that anyone else will follow.

lets keep your expectations relevant to yourself, and not to others. . .

finally, right now, forget about long ago affairs, start working on the present, and the future. . . the present would be if she is actively engaged in an affair, then you need to consider how to expose it. .

keep posting, you need to do some research before you make any big or rash decisions.

wiftty

I'm with Wiftty on this one. I think you should hire a private investigator if you can't find out on your own one way or another.

It is jsut possible she is not having an affair.

Also, you do need to make the appointment for MC. I would also suggest a healthy dose of radical honesty on the topic of how you feel about the marriage.

you said it yourself if she is cheating then get out and never look back and find someone that deseves your love. its not that easy. as i can see from your posts